In the song, Neil Sedaka sings "breaking up is hard to do". This statement feels real to most people. The decision to end a relationship with your partner can be stressful and upsetting for both parties. However, by taking the time to consider whether this is the right move and breaking up in a rational, respectful, and calm manner, you can reduce the hurt and break up with your partner.
Step
Part 1 of 2: Reaching a Decision
Step 1. Don't rush to make a decision
It's important to consider the decision to end the relationship when you can think clearly and aren't feeling upset. This can prevent you from making impulsive decisions that you can later regret or hurt others.
It's more difficult to work things out when you're still angry or upset, and situations like these can lead to irrational decisions
Step 2. Explain why you want to end the relationship
It's important to be clear about why you want to break up with him. By seeking clarity, you will be able to distinguish the minor obstacles in your relationship and the more serious and unresolved issues between you and your partner.
- Only you can determine what are considered unsolvable problems and which can still be solved. For example, if your partner doesn't treat other people well or doesn't want children, both are factors that cannot be changed. On the other hand, your partner's unwillingness to help with household chores can be something that can be changed or discussed.
- Every couple must have a fight or argument. However, if the debate continues and worsens, it could indicate a deeper problem and discrepancy.
- If you are in a dangerous relationship, both emotionally and physically, the state of the relationship can be a clear sign of ending the relationship.
Step 3. Write a list of positives and negatives
Try to make a list of reasons that prompted you to end the relationship. You can also list positive and negative things about your partner, interactions, and relationships.
- Seeing the positive things about the relationship on your list can help you focus on those things, and not the negatives that follow the feelings that currently surround you.
- The list also helps you avoid ending your relationship just because you "feel that it was the right thing to do."
- Remember that any kind of violence is an obvious reason to end a relationship.
- As you go through the list and think about it, ask yourself if the relationship you're in is causing more harm to your life, rather than improving or developing it.
Step 4. Determine if changes can be made
If you're just annoyed with your partner, find out if there's a way to change the dynamics of the relationship. Before making a final decision, try to focus on solving the problem instead of ending the relationship as the first solution. If change is possible, see if your partner is willing and able to change.
If the issue has been discussed before without any change for the better, and you're still feeling dissatisfied, hurt, or betrayed, the only way to break the pattern may be to end the relationship
Step 5. Communicate your frustration
Before making a final decision, talk to your partner about your frustrations and considerations. Give him a chance to change into a better person. If you ultimately decide to end the relationship, your decision will be less sudden and emotional turmoil can be further eased because you've raised your frustrations beforehand.
- Holding on to resentment and feelings often prompts you to “blow up” your anger or express your emotions in inappropriate ways.
- Try to explain the cause of your irritation calmly and respectfully. Do not curse, be violent, or directly blame your partner.
- If he cheats on you or hurts you, these things can be considered as irreconcilable differences. You don't have to bother expressing your annoyance or giving him a chance to change.
Step 6. Set a “reasonable” timeframe to see the changes
Don't keep hoping your partner will change, but in the end you will experience disappointment. Set a time limit for him to change to make it easier for you to make decisions in the long run.
- You can (or in some situations, don't need to) tell your partner about this timeframe. Throwing "threats" by saying, for example, "If you stop smoking by next month, we can stay in a relationship" can actually encourage him to agree on a short-term agreement, before finally returning to his old habits in the future.
- Make sure the threats you provide are useful. Often times, threats are useless. However, it is important for your relationship to be sustainable. For example, you could say, "I need to see your efforts to quit smoking or reduce your smoking habit to keep this relationship going." Threats like “You have to show a desire to have children” will not work and will only lead to hurt and feelings of guilt.
- For some, it takes a long time to change a long-held habit. For example, a smoker may take months to years to break the habit. Give your partner time to make a significant effort to change his behavior.
Step 7. Share your feelings with someone you can trust
If you're having trouble getting clarity, talk about your feelings with someone you can trust. This helps you express your feelings and explain your position more effectively. This trusted person may also be able to add a new perspective on you and your partner's behavior.
- You can choose a friend, family member, counselor, or doctor (professional health care provider) as someone you can trust.
- Make sure the trusted person you choose will not betray your trust and discuss your concerns with outsiders. You also need to make sure he doesn't treat your partner differently.
Step 8. Make the final decision
After considering the various dynamics in the relationship, discussing them with your partner, and giving them a second chance (if possible), make a final decision on your relationship. By making the final decision, you can move on to the next step and plan for an honest and respectful ending, or focus on restoring the relationship further.
Remember that your decisions are based on what's best for yourself-and not someone else's
Part 2 of 2: Ending a Relationship
Step 1. Take the time to talk about the end of your relationship
It would be nice and polite to end the relationship in person and discuss why. Schedule time in a quiet place that allows you and your partner to have a one-on-one discussion to ease the process and reduce distractions.
- Try to set aside time outside of work or school so that your partner can quietly “cry” over the end of the relationship, without having to immediately confront or meet someone else.
- You can show your partner the direction of the conversation so he can prepare and not feel "blind" about what will be discussed. For example, you could say "I want to talk about our relationship status calmly."
Step 2. Choose a location where to end the relationship
You need to talk about this in a quiet and private place so you and your partner don't feel embarrassed. Also, choose a place that's easy to leave so you don't get caught up in a protracted or spiraling conversation.
- If you feel insecure about your partner's presence, talk about ending the relationship in a public place or invite someone who can help you, without coming across as confrontational.
- If you and your partner live together, ending the relationship can be a stressful issue. However, you can decide whether you need to move immediately or wait.
- If you don't feel safe or would feel awkward living with your partner, make sure you have somewhere else to live. You can move things around when he's not home, then talk about the end of the relationship when he arrives. You can also end the relationship and leave the house with a few things, with the intention of returning when the emotions have subsided.
Step 3. Plan the chat
Decide what you need to say to your partner. Having a basic plan for your upcoming chat can reduce your chances of getting emotional and keep you on the right track. In addition, a plan like this also makes it easier for you not to hurt your partner, more than "should".
- The actual conversation (when you end the relationship) can go on longer than it should, especially if your partner feels hurt or shocked by your decision. A lot of chatter ends up going round and round so make sure you set a time limit.
- Be honest with your partner, without being rude or brutal. You should try to tell him the things that previously attracted you or highlight his strengths when discussing why you don't want to stay in a relationship with him.
- For example, you could say "I was attracted to your open personality and kindness when we first started dating, but I think we have different goals in life and that makes it difficult for us to stay together."
Step 4. Disconnect directly
While it may seem easier to end a relationship if you don't have to meet the person in person, ending a relationship over the phone, text message, or email is impersonal and is seen as disrespectful. Show him the respect he (and your past relationship) deserves, unless you're in a long distance relationship and can't wait to see him again, or you're afraid of him.
By ending the relationship directly, he will realize that you are serious about the decision made
Step 5. Maintain patience and respect
Sit down with him and let him know that you have decided to end the relationship. As much as possible, approach it calmly and respectfully, and show resolution so that this bad situation doesn't sound too negative and "hurtful".
- Don't badmouth your partner or say things you'll regret. Remember that the ugliness can turn around and hurt you in the long run. For example, don't say "I don't think you can keep yourself clean and I feel disgusted when I'm with you." Instead, you could say, "I think we have different lifestyles and don't get along with each other."
- If you can, don't get too emotional. This helps you reduce any feelings of guilt and stay firm with the decisions you make.
- You could say, "I think you're a nice person with great things to make someone happy, but those things don't fit my picture of this relationship."
Step 6. Focus on the problem in the relationship, not your partner
Talk about things that aren't going well in the relationship, instead of pointing out what's wrong with him. Talking about it personally can exacerbate an already painful situation.
- For example, instead of saying "You are too suspicious and always following me," try saying "I need a lot of freedom and independence in my relationship."
- Don't use it as an excuse. For example, if you say "You deserve better," there's a good chance that he'll tell you that you're the perfect person for him and there's no reason to end the relationship. Instead, you could say, “I feel like we're going on different paths. I wanted an academic career that required me to travel and spend some time alone.”
Step 7. Don't make false hopes
A few "open" phrases and words can leave a false hope that makes him feel that he can get back into a relationship with you. In fact, by providing a "way" like this, you will only hurt him and yourself more.
- Statements like “We can talk about it later” or “I want to be your friend/want you in my life” just give him a chance to hope that things will get better eventually, even if things won't change for you.
- You may need to say that going forward, you will not be able to relate to him. Tell him that this is the best thing for both of you to be able to recover from the existing heartache.
- If you want to remain friends with him, explain the boundaries or “conditions” in the chat. You both may eventually realize that a breakup is the best thing for the relationship. However, be clear about your expectations and needs regarding your future friendship.
Step 8. Prepare for your partner's reaction
Make sure you are ready to respond to your partner's arguments, reactions, and anger. This helps you to stick to your decision and reduces or prevents any manipulations he might make. Be prepared to face:
- Question. Your partner will likely want to know why you don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore and if there is anything he can do to prevent it from ending. Answer the question as honestly as possible.
- Weeping. Your partner may feel upset and show it in the form of crying. You can calm him down, but don't let him manipulate you into changing his mind.
- Argument. He may deny anything you said when you ended the relationship, including “uncovering” all the examples you mentioned in the reasons for ending the relationship. Don't get dragged into arguments over small, meaningless details. Let him know that his fight or argument won't change your decision. If he tries to fight back, you can say "I don't want to get into an argument and I'm leaving if you keep acting like this."
- An offer or inducement. He may say that he wants to change or behave differently in order to maintain the relationship. If he doesn't show any change after you previously discussed the same issue with him, it's too late for him to change now.
- Anger. He may say hurtful things and try to "cook" you into feeling better. For example, if he yells at you, just accept it and get up. You can say, “I know you're very angry with me, but I can't take your insults. Maybe we need to end this chat." Threats of physical or emotional violence escalating are serious. If this happens, leave him immediately.
Step 9. Stay away
This is one of the hardest and most important things in a relationship ending. Try to reduce contact with your ex-boyfriend and friends to reduce feelings of guilt or prevent yourself from giving false hope.
- If you already have children with him, you may not be able to simply distance yourself from him. Treat your relationship as politely as possible and put your child's condition first.
- It's a good idea to delete the phone number from your phone, and the email address from your computer.
- If you live with him, move as soon as possible. If you can't move permanently, find a place to live and store your belongings temporarily. Extending engagement will only complicate the process you have to go through.
- After a while, you may feel that you can still be friends with him. In situations like this, make sure you set boundaries for future friendships and relationships.
Tips
- If you're sure you want to end a relationship with someone, it's a good idea to do it right away and not to procrastinate. However, if he just had a bad day/event, try to wait until you find a more opportune moment. Ending the relationship when your partner is already on a bad note will only make things worse for both of you.
- Never end a relationship in the heat of an argument. If the relationship is terminated before it can be repaired, the relationship will not change once the fight is over and the anger subsides. End the relationship when both of you feel calmer and can talk about it amicably. At this time, there is a possibility that you can get the best solution for the relationship.
