If your marital problems are getting out of hand, maybe you or your partner will think of divorce as a solution. However, it's never too late to fix your marriage. Improving yourself and your relationship with your partner will help you to get your marriage back to being healthy and happy again.
Step
Method 1 of 4: Improving Yourself
Step 1. Listen to your partner
Open and honest communication is essential for a healthy marriage. Listen to your partner when he or she is talking about problems or concerns about marriage. Paying attention to the conversation will help you understand what is making your partner unhappy and give you a chance to act.
- If you have questions about what you can do to make your partner happier and more satisfied, you should be free to ask them directly.
- Expect your partner to listen to you with the same appreciation you give them.
- If your partner is abusive, belittling, or appears to refuse to engage in the conversation, share with your partner how you feel about his or her behavior, such as hopelessness, loneliness, and anger.
Step 2. Stay positive
From the start, your partner falls in love with someone who is cheerful and has a balanced emotional state. If you're tired of conflict in your marital relationship or feel that your marriage can't be saved, take a step back. It's normal to feel sad because of conflict in a relationship, but try to focus on the big picture. If you're feeling depressed about the state of your marriage, think back to all the good things you've had with your partner.
- Your happiness should not depend on your partner. Stay focused on trying to be your best, even if your partner hasn't done it yet.
- If you always expect the worst from your partner, you will see and focus more on your conflicts and problems. Try to notice any small, positive changes in the way you and your partner interact. Also share these positive changes with your partner.
Step 3. Be flexible
Don't ask for things to go your way. Marriage is a partnership. Each party must be willing to not get what they want at certain times. If you and your partner have different ideas and goals, whether it's about moving house or where to have dinner, listen to each other's wishes.
- Talk both ways, not one way. Listen to your partner and wait for him to listen to you.
- Just let certain things flow as they are. Imagine if you want to eat chicken but your wife prepares soup, or you want to watch a drama but your husband forces you to accompany him to a football game. In cases like these, and with decisions made, remember that life goes on. Just go with it and don't worry about things that don't really matter.
- Being flexible doesn't mean your partner has control over you. There are times when you may make a decision that is not what your partner wants.
Step 4. Take care of your appearance
Physical attraction is only one part of love, but in this visual culture physical appearance plays an important role in how we think about our partners and relate to our partners. When you go out with your partner, wear appropriate clothing to show that you value your partner. Pay attention to your health too. Have a balanced and nutritious diet by consuming fruits and vegetables. Exercise for 30 minutes every day. Wear neat clothes and keep your appearance so that your partner is still attracted to you.
Step 5. Practice healthy communication
Talk to your partner when you are in a good mood and in a good mood. Don't speak in a high-pitched voice to your partner. If you or your partner start to feel angry, it is recommended that each of you take some time to cool off and then continue the conversation afterwards.
- Avoid topics that tend to trigger problems, conflicts, and anger.
- Communicate only in quiet and relaxed times.
Step 6. Balance your time
Healthy couples should have time together as well as alone time. Watching movies, playing mini golf, bowling – whatever both of you love to do, do it together. Try new things and have a journey that can bring the two of you closer together. But just tell your partner if you need some alone time to recharge yourself. You and your partner are not photocopies, and there are bound to be different activities you like. Give each other space to do each other's hobbies and interests.
- Try to set aside a certain number of days or times for dating.
- In addition to spending time together, take time to interact with your friends.
Step 7. Be loyal to your partner
Perhaps, you are easily tempted for a while or have an affair with someone who gives you the attention and affection that you don't get from your partner. But remember, your family is your partner, not your mistress. Breaking the vows of fidelity in a marriage can push you into divorce and make you feel guilty.
Identify certain situations or people that you know can lead to unfaithfulness, and then avoid them as much as possible
Method 2 of 4: Accepting a Partner
Step 1. See your partner for who they are
Everyone always has two versions of themselves: the real self, and the visible self-expression. Sometimes these two identities are closely related, but sometimes they are not. It is important to know the partner's faults and shortcomings, but it is also important to know the good qualities. If you find yourself focusing on their weaknesses, remind yourself that your partner is also a sweet, caring, and compassionate person. Give your partner a chance when he says he can and wants to change, and you should be tolerant when he tries to make changes.
- Demanding a change in your partner will not make him or you happy. Your partner will feel trapped by your demands, and you will feel frustrated if nothing changes.
- Don't compare your partner to anyone else, anyone.
Step 2. Focus on your partner's good qualities
Think back to when you first met him and fell in love with him. Remembering the good times will help you see the bright side more clearly in the present. If you are constantly looking at your partner's faults instead of their positive qualities, you will drown in their negative qualities.
Step 3. Empathize with your partner
Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Do you treat your partner with the same respect you would expect for yourself? How would you feel if someone else asked you to change drastically (or maybe in small ways) in your personality? Most of us refuse to listen if we feel judged to be doing something wrong or disturbing. We become defensive, hurt, and angry.
Understanding how and why your partner reacts to criticism will help you refine your approach. On the other hand, explaining that you feel attacked or hurt by your partner's demands will also help him improve his approach
Step 4. Think of the big picture
No one is perfect. You and your partner need to be honest with each other and with yourself about certain qualities, habits, or quirks that could lead to divorce or at least become a nuisance. You may think that your partner's snoring is too loud; his nagging was like the sound of a duck; he made a lot of grammatical errors; or reckless in dress. However, these are not reasons for you to end the marriage. Understand your partner's limitations and faults as well as yourself, as this is an important step towards restoring a happy marriage.
Step 5. Accept yourself
Often, our judgmental attitude toward others is due to disappointment with ourselves. Investigate your feelings, namely why you have high expectations of your partner, or why you tend to be demanding of your partner. Is it because you are not satisfied with your personality or professionalism? If so, it will be difficult for you to accept other people as well.
- Lower your expectations of yourself until they are realistic enough and admit that you and your partner can make mistakes.
- Don't expect your partner to be the only person who can satisfy you.
Method 3 of 4: Working Together
Step 1. Relive your sex life
Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. If you're on the verge of divorce, it's hard to have good sex, but physical and emotional intimacy go hand in hand, and both are equally important if you want to prevent divorce.
- Take time to do romantic things. Everyone is busy, but scheduling a date will give you time to reset your mood. Try having a romantic dinner (either at a restaurant or at home), watching a movie, or going bowling alone together. Before you get ready for bed, it's important to show your partner the love and care you haven't given him in a long time. Tell him that you love him and enjoy your time with him.
- Place scented candles and flowers around your bed. Massage your partner's hands, feet, and shoulders before having sex. Generating sensation can be an important first step to excite your partner.
- If you find your sex life boring, try new positions or try wearing attractive-looking underwear. You can read erotic literature, or watch hot movies together. Take turns controlling sexual activity each night so you both get maximum variety.
Step 2. Talk about your dreams and desires
In addition to communicating everyday needs and situations (“We have to work hard”), it's important to share your deepest fears, hopes, and dreams with your partner in order to build emotional intimacy. Use sentences like “I believe…” or “I hope….” when you state your vision and future with your partner. Thinking and sharing your thoughts and feelings in this way will help both of you realize that there are opportunities and solutions for your marriage that are far better than divorce.
-
Ask yourself and your partner a variety of questions, such as:
- What great things are couples capable of doing? How can I equip my partner so he can achieve the best results?
- Where will I travel with my partner?
- What do I hope I will do with my spouse in retirement?
- Invite your partner also to share his dreams and desires. Thinking and talking about the future together can help your marriage heal.
- Don't use this conversation as a platform for complaints or negative thoughts.
Step 3. Identify what needs to change
If you are contemplating divorce, there is usually a serious problem involving the fault of both parties. Don't blame your partner for all the problems in your marriage. Talk to your partner so that you can meet each other on a common understanding of what went wrong and how to fix it.
- Express the problems you see using the word “me”, such as “I wish we could spend more time together,” not “You never want to spend time with me.” Thus, the problem does not appear to be a critical issue and the discussion will produce a more positive outcome.
- When you've been wrongly blamed, you can defend yourself, but don't attack because you're criticized. Try to see the conflict from your partner's perspective.
Step 4. Strengthen the relationship with your partner
Be generous to your partner by giving expressions of affection and praise. This will help you live the love you once had together. Meet emotional needs first as a priority as important as material needs. Love your partner the way you want to be loved by them.
- Tell your partner that you love him, every day.
- Surprise your partner with small gifts he likes. Make dinner for her, buy her flowers, or take her shopping.
- It may take extra time to build trust and affection for your partner. Be patient and keep trying.
Step 5. Forget the past
Talk to your partner about times he has hurt or disappointed you. If you want, write them all down. Maybe not everything is revealed, but there will be painful memories or experiences that you and your partner will always remember, and arouse feelings of resentment on both parties. You and your partner may have different lists. Talk about each incident in turn. Each time, you have to admit that you contributed to the misunderstanding and you have to apologize.
Practice forgiveness even though your partner may not want to forgive
Step 6. Be open to change
Be willing to make changes in your routine and the way you interact if you think the changes would be useful. Emphasize that you will try to do your best, but that it will take some time to get used to the changes. Then, be serious about trying to give your best in making the changes you promised and show that you are sincere. Ask your partner the same.
Step 7. Seek guidance
Marriage counseling with a therapist will help you find a way out of the problem through a neutral or impartial mediator. The therapist will provide an objective view and can provide advice on strategic communication, conflict resolution, and general guidance for repairing a troubled marriage.
- Wedding tutoring usually lasts for an hour once a week. Working with a mentor more often can provide maximum results.
- Group therapy is also a useful type of mentoring, and introduces you to couples who have been through similar stressful times. You can discuss further about how the couples can go through the process and successfully get out of their problems. Group therapy provides an opportunity for you to gain new understanding and ideas about your relationship.
Method 4 of 4: Attempting to Temporarily Separate
Step 1. Suggest to do a breakup experiment
A trial separation is a period of informal separation in which the two partners separate temporarily. This provides an opportunity for each party to evaluate their feelings and live away from the influence and constant presence of the other. A temporary separation can help you and your partner remember how much you miss and need each other. There is a saying that goes "far in the eyes close to the heart".
Your partner may have no idea about the breakup. Explain to him the benefits of “taking time” to be alone from each other in order to know what is most wanted in the marriage
Step 2. Decide how long the separation will last
The ideal separation time is between three and six months. The longer the separation goes on, the more difficult it will be to restore the relationship between you and your partner, because each of you is getting used to living single again.
Step 3. Create requirements
When you enter into a trial of separation, there are several questions regarding finances and lifestyle that both parties must agree on. Write down the terms of separation so that each of you avoids confusion. These important questions include:
- Will both parties get out of the house, or just one side?
- Where will each of you go and live?
- Is it necessary to split the account at the bank into two or keep sharing the same account? What about credit cards?
Step 4. Think of the children
If you have children, make sure that you are open to them about this process. Help your children understand the situation and let them know that you and your partner still love them despite all the challenges.
- Children may react badly to the attempted separation. They may want to be around all the time or don't want to go to school. Older children and teens become aloof or angry. Talk to your children's teachers about the state of your household so they can pay attention to your child's behavior as a result of the situation.
- Children may think that something they did caused the breakup. Let them know that you and your partner's circumstances were not their fault and had nothing to do with their actions at all.
- Schedule necessary parenting and visits for your children. Try not to move your children from house to house more than once a week, and make sure that their school schedule is not disturbed.
Step 5. Use your time wisely
Problems in your household will not be resolved by itself with your separation from your partner. Whether or not you are trying to break up, talk to a therapist about how and why your marriage ended up where it is now.
- Ideally, you should continue to attend couples therapy even after living apart. An attempted breakup should not kill communication between you and your partner. Try to find common ground between the two of you with the help of a therapist.
- Don't use this trial period to pretend to be single. Don't date other people or get involved in romantic relationships. The purpose of this trial period is to find a new perspective on the relationship between the two of you, which can be found when you are at a distance from your partner.
Step 6. Have the courage to make a decision
When the trial period ends, evaluate your experience. Are there problems in your relationship that are completely insurmountable? Or does the attempted separation make you miss and love your partner so much that divorce will be a disastrous solution? Talk to your partner about how you feel and ask how he feels.
Maybe you and your partner don't come to the same conclusion about the state of your marriage. Be prepared to continue the divorce process at the end of the trial separation process, if both parties feel that is the best path
Warning
- You shouldn't force yourself to try to fix a really negative relationship. If your spouse is physically harming you, your children, or your family, or is acting aggressively, divorce is the best option.
- Seek immediate protection from the authorities. Call the shelter, the police, family, or close friends, and let them know you need help.
- Don't feel obligated to continue the marriage for the sake of your children.
- Don't underestimate divorce as a solution. Some couples just can't live together.
