Perhaps for years you have felt trapped in an unhappy marriage. Or maybe for the last two or three years you have been thinking about divorce. Perhaps the only reason you're holding on to your marriage is guilt if you have to divide your family. However, after some thought (and perhaps some counseling sessions) you decide it's time to tell your husband that you want a divorce. While this will be a difficult conversation, it is not impossible to have an effective and clear discussion with your husband.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Preparing to Tell Your Husband
Step 1. Consider why you want a divorce
Divorce is often brought up as a threat when your spouse is having a heated argument, usually out of anger or frustration, or to gain power and control over the other party, and as an attempt to take it seriously that you want real change.
- Remind yourself that divorcing your partner is a big decision, mentally, emotionally, and financially. You also have to be willing to let go of strong emotional bonds with your partner. Therefore, you should try to make the decision to divorce from a clear perspective, without emotional involvement.
- Ask yourself: What is the purpose of my filing for divorce? Having other motives, apart from ending the marriage, can be an indication that you are not ready for a divorce. Divorce has no power to right wrongs or change a person's heart. Divorce can only end your marriage and relationship with your spouse.
- Keep in mind that a partner who constantly threatens divorce can lose credibility with himself and his partner. So, if you are serious about getting a divorce, you need to convey this desire to your partner clearly, but in the right way.
Step 2. Try not to give your husband an unpleasant surprise
In some cases, both parties usually realize that something is wrong with their marriage. You may have tried marital therapy together, did private counseling separately, or discussed issues in your relationship. If possible, try to continue counseling or therapy together first before jumping into the conversation about divorce.
If you and your partner have the same feelings, it means that both of you will have more options. If your husband doesn't realize it, the conversation can be potentially devastating. Surprising your husband with such difficult news can also result in a more difficult transition for both of you during the breakup
Step 3. Practice what you are going to say
This will be a very difficult conversation to have with the husband. So take a piece of paper and write down a few things you might want to say when you tell your husband about the divorce.
- Practice what you are going to say. This will be a very difficult conversation to have with the husband. So take a piece of paper and write down a few things you might want to say when you tell your husband about the divorce.
- Focus on using neutral words. Make statements with “I”, for example: “Indra, I want to share some difficult news. I have decided that you and I should get a divorce.”
- Avoid giving your husband false hope if you are serious about getting a divorce. Say something like: “I've been unhappy for a long time. But I wanted to see if we could do something about the things that were bothering me” will give the husband the impression that you want to improve your marriage. If this is not your goal, avoid the statement.
Step 4. Find a room that provides enough privacy and quiet
Choose a time when you're alone and no one will be walking in during the conversation. Find a room in your home, such as the living room or dining room, that is quiet and comfortable.
Turn off the phone and ask your husband to do the same. If you have children, ask a family member to watch over them while you talk to your husband, without being distracted
Step 5. Request the presence of a third party in the room if you are concerned about your safety
Perhaps you want a divorce for reasons that are troubling you, such as an angry or abusive husband. If this is the case, ask for the presence of a third party such as a therapist or counselor, or choose a public place to talk to them.
- You can't control how your husband reacts to the news, whether he will accept it well or not. However, if there is a history of violence or abuse in your marriage, make sure you request the presence of a third party in the room with you.
- You can also break the news to your husband over the phone if you are concerned about your safety and don't want to meet your husband face to face when you tell him about the divorce.
Part 2 of 3: Telling Your Husband
Step 1. Be calm, kind, and forthright
Treat the conversation with all the tenderness you would use if you told him that someone very close to your heart had died. Be frank, but loving at the same time.
Being respectful during the conversation will also make it easier to talk about other logistical matters such as joint custody of children, if you have children, and the division of joint property
Step 2. Focus on neutral words and “I” statements
Don't try to make assumptions about how your husband feels about your marriage. Instead, express how you feel and don't put the blame and shame on your husband's shoulders.
For example: “I know this is hard news to accept, but I believe our marriage is over and I want a divorce.” Or, “We have both tried but the relationship is not working out as we hoped and I don't think further counseling or therapy is necessary. will help. I think this marriage is over and we should get a divorce.”
Step 3. Be prepared for angry reactions
While it's possible your husband is aware that there are problems in your marriage, he may get angry when you tell him that you want a divorce. However, it's important that you don't retaliate, try to defend yourself, or try to justify your decision.
- For example, he may respond to you by saying: “This is just another example of how you are trying to run away from responsibility. You are very selfish and only think about yourself. I have given you everything I have. I have worked hard for this family and this house. I don't deserve this and the kids don't deserve this."
- Avoid responses like: “Don't lecture me. I left because I'm sick and tired of your childish bullshit. I'm sick of living in this house and I'm sick of living without sex or affection. I have been trying to make this marriage work and you always stand in my way whenever I ask you to change.” This kind of response may feel good for two minutes but will eventually lead to a bitter fight.
- Instead, try to respond with: “I know this hurts a lot and I'm sorry I had to do it. But I don't think there is any other choice. I'm not sure that we should keep it. The distance between us is too far to be bridged.”
- This response is better because it doesn't sound defensive or angry. You are showing your husband that you feel you made the right decision and that this did not come from wanting to defend yourself. You also show your husband that you realize that any anger or defensiveness that you express will only cause more anger and hurt between the two of you.
Step 4. Deal with the possibility of a trial breakup
Once your husband's initial anger has subsided, he may try to negotiate with you the terms of the separation. He may ask for a probationary separation, which requires you to live separately but still legally married. Or he may ask you both to try therapy or counseling again. You should be prepared for questions like these, especially if your husband is going to be devastated by your desire to divorce.
If you are serious about the divorce, you need to be firm about your decision. Say to your husband: “I don't think a trial separation is the answer. We've been trying to fix our marriage and I don't think, at this stage, that kind of effort is going to work."
Step 5. Don't discuss the details of the divorce right away
The initial conversation with your husband is likely to be very emotional. So don't rush into the details of the divorce when you first tell your husband about your desire to separate.
Reassure your husband that you are willing to work with him to reach a fair and respectful divorce and work with a lawyer to find the best arrangement for both of you
Step 6. Give your husband time to process the information
Even though both of you are now worried about the future and the details of the divorce, reassure your husband that he can take the time to think about what you've discussed.
- Understand that the divorce will make a big difference for both of you. Then tell him that you will be staying with another family member or friend for a few days. Or say that you want him to stay somewhere else until he can process the information.
- For example: “Thank you for being willing to listen to what I think, I really appreciate it. I know there's a lot to consider. So don't rush, just think about what I said."
Step 7. Decide about living arrangements
It's a good idea to decide whether you're going to stay at home or move out of there. Reaching an agreement on living arrangements will help both of you to adjust to this major change. Remind your husband that this residency arrangement is only temporary until the divorce is decided.
Step 8. Discuss ways to convey this news children, if any
If you and your husband have children, you both need to come to an agreement about the best time and place to share this news. You should sit down with the children, after dinner in a common area such as the living room or dining room, and explain the details of the divorce.
- Tell the truth. Your children deserve to know why their parents are getting divorced, but very detailed reasons will only confuse them. Say something simple and honest, like: "We can't be together anymore." You may need to remind the children that while sometimes parents and children may not always be together, parents and children never stop loving each other or divorce each other. In general, younger children do not need complete details, while older children may need more complete details about the divorce.
- Say "I love you all." As simple as it sounds, letting your kids know that your love for them hasn't changed is a very powerful message. Tell them that you will still take care of them in every way, from preparing their breakfast to helping with their homework, and that the two of you will always be there for them.
- Handle the changes that occur. Preemptively question children about changes in their lives by acknowledging that some things will be different now, but that some things will stay the same. Tell them that together you can handle every detail as you go along.
- Avoid blaming others. Try not to be critical of your husband or his actions. Make an agreement beforehand to show your solidarity and tell the children the reasons for the divorce are the same. Explain the situation regarding temporary housing arrangements with children and when the divorce will be decided.
Step 9. Keep your distance from your husband
While it may be tempting to comfort your husband by showing him physical affection, it's important to keep your distance so you don't fall back into your marital habits. You need to guard against sending cues that confuse or hurt your husband more by engaging with him both emotionally and physically. Show how serious you are about the divorce by keeping your distance.
Step 10. Take the kids with you if you are dealing with an abusive husband
Don't be afraid to do this if your husband threatens to take the kids away from you. In fact, the judge will likely be more sympathetic to you if you keep your children away from potentially dangerous situations if they live with your husband.
- You also need to give your controlling husband as little power as possible, and this means keeping the kids out of his control.
- You may need to ask friends for help in getting out of the family home and away from your husband.
Step 11. Get a restraining order if you are concerned about your safety
If you are trying to divorce a husband who is sexually active, it is important to have a plan to protect yourself and your children, if you have one. An order to stay away from someone can provide you with a legal way to create distance between you and your husband. You may need to get a warrant to stay away from this person before you tell your husband that you want a divorce or once you and the children are in a safe place, away from your spouse.
The most dangerous time for a woman to experience domestic violence is the first 24 hours after a warrant to stay away from someone is issued. If you feel insecure and decide to get a warrant to stay away from someone, ask the police if they can patrol your home. You can also contact local shelters to see if you can stay in a safe home until things are sorted out
Part 3 of 3: Continuing the Divorce Process
Step 1. Hire a lawyer
It will be much easier to take a collaborative approach to divorce. It's also less expensive if you and your husband can resolve your issue without legal involvement.
- If it's not possible to get rid of a lawyer, make sure you hire a lawyer who is willing to take your case to court. The attorney should know the importance of getting a divorce done quickly, but he or she should also be willing to fight for your behalf in court if the need arises.
- Interview at least three attorneys before you decide on one. Look for a divorce attorney who has at least 5-10 years of experience in family and divorce law.
Step 2. Gather your financial information
You must have a clear picture of you and your husband's financial situation. One of the main goals of divorce is to distribute marital property and debt fairly. To get your fair share, you need to know what assets you and your husband have and what debt obligations you both have to settle. Here's how to do it:
- Make a list of all the assets that are fully or partially owned by you. Some of the assets of a joint marriage are pretty self-explanatory. The spouse's residence, financial accounts and vehicles are assets that must be shared fairly. Other assets may include artwork, retirement plans, inheritance, or items acquired during the wedding.
- Gather all the paperwork for each asset you own, including its current value, when and where it was purchased, and whether the asset in question was purchased with a joint or separate fund. Turn all documents over to a lawyer and keep a copy for yourself.
- Determine the debt that arises in your marriage. When determining what debts are the obligations of both of you, it doesn't matter on whose behalf the debt is. Marriage debts made by mutual consent will be divided based on who is more financially able to pay it, not based on the name listed on the debt document. The easiest way to determine marital debt is to ask for a copy of your credit report. Also hand over this information to a lawyer.
- Determine your income. If you and your husband are salaried employees, provide your attorney with a copy of your most recent salary receipt along with your most recent income tax return.
Step 3. Prepare a post-divorce budget
It is important for you to know how you will finance your life after the divorce.
- Think about your living expenses, and how much you will earn after the divorce. Some women experience a very large drop in income after a divorce. So, avoid choking on bills that you can't pay by making a budget for yourself.
- Calculating your post-divorce expenses will also affect how you negotiate your divorce benefits. Your attorney can use this information to determine your alimony options and what you can request if your case is brought to trial.
