Sexual desire is a normal part of human nature. Unfortunately, uncontrollable desires can sometimes interfere with our daily lives or relationships, even in detrimental ways. Finding ways to control sexual urges can help improve quality of life, relationships, and productivity. You can learn to avoid situations that trigger sexual desire. In addition, you can also talk about this problem with other people, or even ask for help from a professional therapist if sexual desires start to have a negative impact on your life.
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Method 1 of 4: Finding a Quick Solution
Step 1. Get out of your current environment
Try to get away from an environment that makes it difficult for you to control your sexual desires. For example, if you are at home and suddenly feel the urge to masturbate, get out of the house immediately. You can walk to a convenience store or something. If you can't leave your current environment (say you're at work), try talking to a coworker or taking a break.
There may be nothing wrong with asking someone, such as a trusted friend or even a therapist, to help hold you accountable for your actions
Step 2. Keep a to-do list in your pocket
Write down all the chores, errands, or household chores that need to be done today. If you feel the urge to do something you shouldn't, get off the list and do something else to distract yourself.
If you find it impossible to do anything productive when you have a strong sexual urge, try preparing something simple to distract yourself, such as a fun book or puzzle to occupy your mind
Step 3. Postpone your desire for the next few hours
Delaying the compulsive behavior will give you a chance to think about it before giving in to the urge. It also helps you to tolerate those uncomfortable urges and pressures.
- Set a time limit. Try telling yourself, "I'm going to see an adult movie in an hour," or you can delay it as much as you can. If you're comfortable putting it off for just a minute, that's fine. Give yourself a chance for one minute.
- Once you've passed the set time limit, you can choose to postpone it again, or give up and go for it. However, try to delay it if possible, even if it's only for a minute.
- After a while, you can extend the snooze time without feeling the need to actually fulfill your sexual desires.
Step 4. List the possible negative consequences of your compulsive behavior
Making a list of all the negative risks or consequences associated with the behavior can help prevent sexual impulses. Write down all the risks and consequences you might face as a result of the behavior. Carry the list with you wherever you go and check it when you feel a sexual urge.
Method 2 of 4: Avoiding Situations That Trigger Sexual Desire
Step 1. Identify what triggers your sexual desire
Take time to reflect on your behavior and what triggers these sexual impulses. Think about the stimulus that triggers your sexual desire, the time of day, and the situation that tends to make you feel that urge. Observe if any particular pattern appears in your behavior.
- If you find a particular pattern, think of ways to break the cycle by adopting a new behavior or lifestyle change. For example, you may feel your sex drive is strongest at night or on weekends because you are not working and have nothing to do. You can start a new hobby to take your mind off sex.
- Maybe your sexual desire arises because of environmental stimuli. For example, if you feel aroused by a passionate love scene in a movie, you may want to skip the romantic movie until you can better control your sexual urges.
- Consider keeping a journal about all of your actions and behaviors that provoke sexual desire. Journaling can help you identify triggers and patterns.
Step 2. Don't watch pornography
Pornography has become a trillion rupiah industry, and nowadays pornographic content tends to be easy to obtain. As a result, pornography becomes more difficult to ignore. However, because pornography triggers sexual desire, it's best to avoid viewing it if you tend to find it difficult to control your sexual urges.
- You can install browser extensions or parental controls on your computer, making it difficult for you to access pornographic sites on your computer. You can even ask a friend or partner to install it and ask them not to share their password.
- Throw away any pornographic magazines, books, or films you have.
Step 3. Consider avoiding masturbation
You can avoid masturbating for a period of time to help control sexual desire. For some people, avoiding masturbation altogether may be more important than others. You can ask a therapist for advice about what is right for you.
- For example, if you feel the urge to masturbate, you may want to try to avoid it for a period of time. This trick may be appropriate if you are addicted to pornography.
- For others, masturbation may help improve intimacy and sexual health.
Step 4. Avoid using drugs or alcohol
Drugs and alcohol can make you lose your sense of shame, including when it comes to sexual control. For that, avoid parties and situations that can get you into trouble.
If you are under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol, you are more likely to engage in risky sexual activity
Step 5. Find effective methods for controlling thoughts
Look for mental techniques you can use to help "change the subject" in your mind when you're hit by an irresistible sexual urge. You can consult a therapist about how to control obsessive thoughts. Some of the techniques you can learn include:
- Clearing the mind through meditation or mental awareness. Don't give up right away if it feels really hard at first! Most people feel the same way. Rest assured that things will get easier if you keep practicing. If you are used to a certain spiritual practice, try saying a prayer to help you focus and get spiritual support.
- Turn your attention to the task at hand. Acknowledge your sexual urges by saying something like, “This is all in the mind. Right now that desire is not going to help me, it's hurting me.” Then, take a deep breath and turn your attention to the activity at hand.
Step 6. Minimize stress
Sometimes obsessive thoughts arise when you feel overwhelmed and stressed. If you are experiencing the same condition, look for ways to reduce stress in your life.
- For example, you may find that when you arrive late for work, your mind is full of sex. Try experimenting with getting up early or allocating extra time for commuting to work so you can see if your mindset changes.
- Make a list of the various things you are responsible for, and see if any tasks can be omitted or delegated. Try to work smarter, not harder.
Step 7. Keep yourself busy
Having a busy life will keep your mind active and focused on things other than sex. Take up a new hobby or fill your calendar with activities with friends.
- Channel your sexual energy into tackling creative projects. Coping with difficult emotions through imagination can be categorized as changing to a higher level, or dealing with “negative” or unwanted emotions and turning them into something more positive or beneficial.
- Look for hobbies that keep you away from stimuli that trigger sexual impulses. For example, if you tend to watch pornography when you're home alone, find a hobby that requires you to be outside and surrounded by people so you don't find yourself in an environment that triggers sexual desire.
Step 8. Exercise
Physical activity is one of the healthiest ways to control and manage a variety of feelings and emotions, including the urge to have sex. Exercise regularly to counter sexual energy, or head to the nearest park or gym once you start to feel this sensation.
Consider setting a physical fitness goal as a focus. For example, you can choose to lose weight, lift certain weights at the gym, or train for a marathon or long-distance cycling race. When you're not exercising, take the time to think about strategies for achieving those fitness goals, rather than letting your mind be distracted by your sexual desires
Method 3 of 4: Talk to Others Who Can Help You
Step 1. See a doctor
Consider getting tested to make sure your sex drive isn't caused by a physical problem. Sometimes, illness or health conditions can mess with your hormones and can make you feel hypersexual.
- Your doctor may ask you to see a psychologist or psychiatrist to see if you have a mood disorder. For example, high sexual desire is a symptom of bipolar disorder.
- Talk honestly to your doctor about your sexual desires and explain your concerns. Count how many times a day you think about sex or give in to your sexual urges. For example, you could say, "I watch porn and masturbate 4 times a day." Your doctor can help decide whether your behavior is problematic or within normal limits.
Step 2. Talk to your partner about your feelings
If you are currently in a relationship, talk about your sexual desire with your partner. If your relationship is not providing the sexual satisfaction you expect, be honest with each other and discuss how to make sex an important part of the relationship.
- You might say, “I wonder if I have a big sex drive or we just haven't had sex lately? What do you think? Are you satisfied with our sex life?”
- Keep in mind that you and your partner may have different levels of libido. You may want to have sex more often than your partner. This doesn't make either of you right or wrong. Be honest with yourself and your partner to determine if this problem can be controlled or is a reason to end the relationship.
- Talk to your partner if you feel the urge to have an affair. Be honest, even though this is going to be a tough conversation. You might say, “I know what I'm talking about will be painful to hear, but I feel sexual desire for other people. I say this because I want to be honest because I feel tortured.”
- Consider seeing a couples therapist with experience dealing with addictions or sexual problems so they can help steer your relationship.
- Talking to a trusted friend can be a good option. They can help you take responsibility for your goals, are willing to listen to all of your questions, and provide objective feedback.
Step 3. Look for a spiritual point of view
If it is religious reasons that make you worry about these sexual urges, consider seeking guidance from a spiritual leader in your religious community. Try talking to a cleric, pastor, religious leader, or youth leader in your congregation.
- Do not be shy. Most likely, religious community leaders have heard of this problem and know how to solve it. You can express your feelings of embarrassment the first time you ask to talk to him. For example, you might say, “I have a personal problem that is quite embarrassing. Can I discuss it privately with you?”
- Ask the religious leader you are talking to for references that can help understand your problem from a spiritual perspective.
Method 4 of 4: Seeking Help to Cope With Compulsive Sexual Behavior
Step 1. Watch for warning signs of sex addiction
Sexual desires or impulses can be considered sex addiction, or compulsive sexual behavior when they begin to have a negative impact on life. If you're starting to feel overwhelmed by your sexual urges, consider finding a counselor who can help develop a treatment plan. Here are some warning signs to watch for:
- Spending a lot of money on sexual needs (for example, buying pornography, visiting strip clubs, or hiring prostitutes)
- Feeling the urge to engage in sexual behavior, but not getting satisfaction
- Damaging interpersonal relationships, including with intimate partners
- Apologize often for your behavior
- Engaging in risky sexual behavior that can lead to physical and interpersonal problems (e.g. having unprotected sex, or having sex with employees)
- Spending a lot of time looking for sexual gratification leads to decreased productivity
Step 2. Seek counseling assistance
Consider finding a counselor who specializes in sex addiction. To find such a therapist, you can ask your doctor for information, contact an employee support program, or search the internet yourself.
- You may need to find a counselor who is certified in dealing with difficult sexual behavior or a sex addiction therapist. This certification indicates that the counselor has received training on the causes and treatment of sexual behavior.
- Therapists are trained to be open-minded, non-judgmental and receptive to other people's problems. Don't be embarrassed if you do need professional help. Therapists must comply with confidentiality laws, and will protect your privacy, as long as you do not risk hurting yourself or others, or if you report harassment or neglect.
Step 3. Attend support group meetings
Look for information about a sex addiction support group that has a 12-step program (similar to a support group for alcoholics). These meetings can provide you with support, hold you accountable for your ongoing recovery, and provide you with a workable program to achieve your goals. If you happen to be visiting or in the US, you can find the meeting location for this group by visiting the following sites:
- Sex Addicts Anonymous:
- Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous:
- Sexaholics Anonymous:
