Building a healthy relationship with someone is not easy. In addition to requiring considerable time, process, commitment, and dedication, you can also misunderstand the concept of reasonable boundaries if you don't have reference to proper levels of attention and affection. Recognizing the symptoms of overdependence can be difficult, but try to do it through an objective lens and focus on achieving the desired goal to make the process easier.
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Part 1 of 4: Evaluating Feelings
Step 1. Identify tendencies to disclose information too quickly
A person who has dependency problems tends to want to express his emotions as quickly as possible, especially because his mind is filled with fear of being abandoned or ignored by the other person. For example, you may have expressed your love for someone on a second or third date, and even asked them to marry you right away.
- Also, instead of revealing your emotions, you may end up sharing very intimate details about your past. For example, you tell the story of your mother's death at the age of six to a coworker. In fact, that personal information isn't worth sharing with people you're not too familiar with!
- Before revealing details or personal feelings, think about how you might respond to the comments later. If you think the situation will be awkward, don't share too much information!
Step 2. Identify your inability to make decisions
People who have addiction problems always want to make the "right" decision, one that they believe will satisfy them and allow them to win the attention of a specific person. If you feel that you always depend on specific decisions, such as where to go to college or lunch menus, on the person in question, chances are that you are too dependent on that person.
Step 3. Identify whether or not there is a fear of separation from others
People who have dependency problems are generally very attached to one person and fear losing that person. Therefore, try to identify the presence or absence of these feelings for the person concerned. Do you always think too much about them when the relationship is separated by distance? Do you always look forward to meeting them again? Do you often postpone his departure so you can continue to spend time with them? If so, you most likely have separation anxiety disorder, which is the fear of being abandoned by someone.
If you're constantly texting, calling, or visiting someone's house, chances are that you have an addiction problem and a fear of being abandoned
Part 2 of 4: Analyzing Relationships
Step 1. Identify the ups and downs in your relationship
In other words, identify a cycle of emotional swings, in which your relationship with those who seemed fine suddenly sour at the end of the day. If that's the case, chances are you've become too dependent on him.
- For example, your relationship with them starts to feel fine over lunch. After that, the relationship still feels effortless when you and them rent a canoe and go down the river together to enjoy nature. After the activity, you and they are also still sitting side by side while watching a movie at home. However, the next day they decide to meet up with their closest friends and you start to cry complaining about their behavior that you think you don't pay attention to, even though you've spent hours with them before. Then, you even completely forbid them from seeing other people and demand that they get back to spending time with you.
- In addition, you may also insist on accompanying them when traveling with other people. The next day, when you go back to spending time alone with them, suddenly you feel whole again, important, and happy.
Step 2. Ask a friend or partner's opinion about your potential addiction
You can do this process directly or indirectly. If you want to ask them directly, try approaching them and asking, "I'm too dependent on you, aren't I?" Chances are, they will startle and laugh or smile awkwardly afterward. If their answer sounds awkward, they may be lying when they say that your question is unreasonable. If an acknowledgment of your dependency comes from their lips, it means they are telling the truth.
- If you want, you can also use another, more implicit approach. Specifically, this approach uses questions that aim to “dig up” information such as, “You think I'm too dominant in our relationship, don't you?” or “You think we spend too much time together, don't you?” Such questions can lead a friend or partner to provide an implied admission of whether or not there is a potential for unhealthy dependence within you. The confession will generally be implied through phrases such as, "No, but …" or "Hm, I think …"
- For example, your friend might answer a direct question like "Do you mind if I come over to your house?" with responses such as, "No, but I think we've seen each other too often, haven't we." Even if it's not explicit, it's actually an indication that something's wrong in the relationship, and that you're just too dependent on it.
Step 3. Listen to what your friend or partner has to say
If a friend or even a partner asks permission to limit the time they spend with you or to set stricter boundaries in the relationship, they are actually telling you that your attitude towards them is actually too possessive. Therefore, learn to listen to the language they use to express their annoyance or discomfort.
- Do friends or partners say your presence is starting to annoy them? Or that they need more time to be alone?
- Does your friend or partner seem to distance themselves from you?
- Do friends or partners point to your specific behavior, such as when you visit their house in the middle of the night or keep calling them, as being dependent? Do you find this behavior normal and acceptable?
- Have you heard the same complaint from other friends or relatives? If they often comment on or joke about your habit of always being with a specific person, chances are that you do have a serious addiction problem.
Step 4. Identify friend or partner behaviors that indicate their inability to build deep relationships
Do they have a tendency to withdraw from other people or end relationships abruptly? Do they feel like they're gaining a certain strength after pushing others away? If so, it may be you who influenced them to push you away, especially since they've had a history of being controlled or rejected by the people they care about. As a result, they are afraid to accept the same rejection from you. If that's the case, understand that you don't have a dependency issue. Instead, it's the person who has to confront the issues that are preventing them from getting closer to you.
- For example, if they grew up with parents who were possessive and very restrictive, even as they grew older, they are more likely to deliberately “distract” you from approaching you for fear of being manipulated and controlled again in the same way that their parents did..
- On the other hand, they may not get enough attention from their parents. It's being comfortable with relationships in which their accomplishments and successes are never truly recognized that may make them feel uncomfortable when they have to accept the outpouring of other people's attention.
- However, don't assume that your dependency issues are simply rooted in other people's attempts to push you away.
Part 3 of 4: Reducing Addiction
Step 1. Familiarize yourself with stories where each character loves and cares for each other
Sometimes, humans fail to achieve a sense of security from those closest to them when they are small. Oftentimes, this situation occurs when the parent or guardian is not an example, has an unhealthy dependency problem, or has an unstable relationship. By changing the idea of a healthy, safe and acceptable relationship, you will undoubtedly be helped to build healthy attachments by referring to the examples read.
- One of the books that elevates healthy attachments and is based on mutual respect in a relationship is the Chicken Soup series.
- Meanwhile, fictional characters who have friendly relationships without possessive bonds can be found in the stories of The Avengers, X-Men, or Justice League.
Step 2. Make time for hobbies
To break the chain of dependence, you need to divert your mind by pursuing a healthy and fun hobby. Therefore, do not hesitate to take a leisurely walk in the afternoon, cycling, or simply reading an interesting book. Whatever activity you choose, do it without the company of someone you feel dependent on. In other words, take advantage of the moment to find a personal interest and distance yourself for a moment from the person in question!
- Taking up a hobby will take your mind off the person and can help boost your self-confidence.
- Take time to pursue a new hobby or do an old one you have. Have you always wanted to learn to play the guitar but didn't have the opportunity to do so? Now is the perfect time to try it!
Step 3. Apply therapeutic treatment methods
Psychotherapy is one of the best options for fighting unhealthy addictions. In general, your therapist will try to find a solution to a specific problem, such as your dependent behavior on a particular person. To prevent this behavior from developing, you will most likely need to do long-term therapy for the duration recommended by the therapist.
- Trust if the therapist states that the treatment you are doing is sufficient. If you feel like you're still being overwhelmed by depression, anxiety, or insecurity after the end of therapy, try to think back on all the positive developments you've made, and don't use those emotions as an excuse to prolong the therapy process.
- Group therapy can also help. In this approach, you have the opportunity to share your specific behavior disorder with others who have similar problems. Listening to other people's stories and telling your own can help overcome your problems, make you feel comfortable and supported, and eliminate your feelings of loneliness.
Step 4. Try taking medication
Expert therapists can prescribe medications to manage the personality disorder symptoms that may have triggered the addiction. If your case is not related to another personality or psychological disorder, it is likely that the therapist or doctor will not be able to prescribe medication. However, keep yourself open to these options if your doctor deems it appropriate.
Remember, drugs are not magic that can instantly eliminate your negative emotions or addictive behavior. In fact, the biggest change will happen when you accept the fact that the only person who can fight feelings of incompleteness or insecurity in a relationship is yourself
Step 5. Acknowledge your feelings, but don't react negatively
When someone you trust and rely on starts pushing you away, it's natural for hurt feelings to surface. In fact, realizing that your feelings and theirs are not on the same frequency can make you feel betrayed, angry, embarrassed, and sad. However, try not to give a negative response, such as yelling, throwing things, being violent, or doing other things that attract attention.
- Acknowledge their thoughts and words, then thank them for being willing to critique them. Remember, you owe them honesty, and the only way to repay that debt is to confront your behavior.
- Express your apologies, even if you don't think you're overly dependent on them. Say, “I'm sorry, I haven't been respecting your boundaries lately. I hope you will forgive me.”
Step 6. Understand the reasons behind your dependence
In many cases, people who are too dependent on one person have a great fear of being left out. If your friend or partner's interest seems to be fading, such as when they start ignoring your calls or text messages, spending less time with you, or just don't seem as interested, chances are that a sense of dependency will start to build up inside you. In fact, what triggers this behavior is your fear of being ignored and your difficulty controlling the situation and the behavior of the people you care about.
Part 4 of 4: Building Healthy Relationships
Step 1. Be patient with yourself and with your partner or friend
Most likely, the people closest to you will feel very frustrated if made the object of your dependence. In particular, they will be very suffocated by the excessive attention you give, or even explain bluntly that your attitude is very dominating in the relationship. If that's the case, try to empathize by putting yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if someone kept interrupting your private time, or insisting on calling you without your consent?
- Be patient with yourself too. In fact, a long process is not only needed to really realize the symptoms of dependence, but also to change it.
- Whenever disappointment or frustration arises from your inability to shake off the loneliness or longing for that person, always remember that humans don't need other people to feel whole! Say to yourself, “I am a strong and independent person. Therefore, my world does not need to be centered on other people!”
Step 2. Spend time with other people
Being too dependent on one person can lead you to ignore other people in your life who also care about you. If you are in a similar situation, try again to strengthen relationships with people who make you feel loved and appreciated. During this period, distance yourself from the person you are dependent on so that both of you can get some fresh air in the relationship.
- If you've lost touch with most of your old friends because you're too busy depending on one specific person, try making new friends online and in real life. Then, invite your new friend over for lunch, bowling, or even hiking together.
- Make sure you don't replace one dependency with another. If you notice that the same emotional state is coming back to haunt you in your relationship with someone else, take a step back to make sure you don't become dependent on a different person again.
Step 3. Respect their boundaries
The limits you need to adhere to will actually depend on the specific situation. For example, if you keep contacting them and don't get a reply, the person may ask you to stop doing so. If you frequently visit her home without her permission, she may ask you to contact her before visiting to make sure the timing and conditions are right.
Step 4. Use visualization techniques to visualize the state of a healthy relationship
Imagining healthy and safe interpersonal relationships can help all parties to trust, and become comfortable with, one another. Therefore, try to spend some time discussing and imagining the ideal relationship with your partner or friend.
- If you're already very dependent on other people, try to imagine yourself allowing your partner or friend to interact with other people. Imagine that you are willing to accept that healthy decision and respect their freedom.
- Also encourage friends or partners to imagine the same thing. How do they view your relationship in the future? What do they want to do with you? What are the differences or similarities in your views?
