Are you having a hard time defending yourself in front of your annoying sister? In fact, a powerful step you can take to do this is to set clear and specific boundaries. In order to do so, you must first assess the situation that is going on between you, as well as identify any personal issues that might make the situation worse. Then, you can ask him what's going on and defend yourself using appropriate confrontation techniques. In the end, try to improve the situation in the future by strengthening the relationship between you and your sibling, getting external support from those closest to you, and changing your mentality about your sibling.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Assessing the Situation
Step 1. Think about why you feel that your sibling has treated you badly
Usually, these feelings are motivated by two situations. The first situation, you find it difficult to defend yourself and express your needs to him. The second situation, you feel your needs are much more important than the needs of your brother. In fact, both situations can be improved if you learn to understand yourself and understand your sibling better.
If you're having trouble expressing yourself, try to identify what you really need from him or why you feel like he's been mistreated by him. Then, summarize the results in words, then write them in a journal to clarify the actual situation. For example, you could write, “I feel hurt when he ignores my words. I feel stupid and want to get angry about it.”
Step 2. Define specific boundaries
Think about his behavior that makes you feel stressed or uncomfortable. If you feel uncomfortable with him, chances are he has been treating you unfairly all along. Therefore, try to evaluate him and point out his behavior and/or words that you cannot tolerate.
- For example, you might feel uncomfortable if he walks into your room without permission or starts taking things without asking. Perhaps, he also gives reasons why this behavior is legal for him. Don't be bothered by the reason or the behavior! Instead, focus on thinking about the fault in the specific situation, and then set boundaries based on that mistake. In this example, tell him that he has to knock on the door before entering your room. Doing otherwise would be like violating these limits.
- Set more specific boundaries. If you don't want him to enter your room without knocking on the door, think about what's the right way to knock? Can he come in if you're not in the room? Set boundaries that are more specific but still reasonable, such as saying, “You can't enter my room without knocking on the door, okay? If I'm not in the room, you should text me first before entering my room."
Step 3. Understand the reasons behind his behavior
Chances are, you'll find that most of his real problems wouldn't have happened if you'd paid more attention to and cared about the things that were going on in his life. If he invites you into an argument or communicates something to you, pay more attention to his words and body language. Observe if he seems stressed and try to evaluate the bigger picture of the reasons behind his stress. If you are able to understand the reasons behind your sibling's annoyance, it will likely help you to avoid getting into trouble with him or her.
- Is there a special situation that triggers a fight between you and him? If you can identify the location or time that is causing the problem, it will be easier for you to find a solution.
- For example, if you notice that he's always grumpy when he goes to school, try to avoid him at that time.
Step 4. Evaluate the things that are happening in your life
Think about it, are there other factors in your life that are making your relationship situation worse? For example, did you have problems at school? Or, are you having problems with your parents? If you and your sibling's problems often arise after you've been out with your friends, for example, try evaluating the influence your friends have on you.
Armed with that knowledge, you can think of ways to avoid the same problems after traveling with your friends. For example, you can say positive words to your sibling after traveling with your friends to start the interaction in a positive way. Or, you can avoid specific topics of conversation when communicating with them. For example, if he asks you what you were doing that day, just give a short answer and change the topic right away
Step 5. Get your sibling to communicate before another problem arises
Most likely, he won't mind discussing it with you. If you want, you can also ask the root of your problem with him so far. In fact, this is the first step you can take to defend yourself in front of him! However, make sure the discussion process is carried out only if you have sufficient free time to communicate issues in the relationship without distractions.
- If problems start to arise, immediately stop fighting and say, “Stop! I don't want to fight. Lately there seems to be some trouble between us, huh. How about we talk about the problem?”
- If you manage to get him into a discussion, say honestly, "Please tell me what really happened between us."
- Explain your desire to improve the situation. For example, you might ask, “What can I do to improve the situation?”
Step 6. Get ready to listen to it
Some of the things he says might make you angry, and you should anticipate those possibilities. Understand that no matter what happens, you must remain silent, not interrupt him, and listen carefully to him before trying to defend yourself. By listening to his words, you will undoubtedly be helped to explain what you mean and understand it better.
- Nod your head to confirm the words.
- Make eye contact with your sibling when he or she is talking.
- Ask questions to clarify the meaning. For example, you could say, "So, I can only go out with you and your friends if you ask me to?"
Part 2 of 3: Defending Yourself
Step 1. Explain your needs to him
How you do it will depend a lot on the type of relationship you have with him. If your sibling prefers to be direct, explain your situation to him with simple affirmations. This means that you have to say or ask for something in a straightforward manner.
- Start with a positive statement like, "I would really appreciate it if you let me use your computer."
- State your problem honestly and straightforwardly. For example, you could say, "I think we have something to talk about."
- Tell him what you need from him. For example, you could say, "I want you to knock on the door before you enter my room."
- Explain how you feel by saying, "Because I don't think I can trust you if you trespass."
Step 2. Communicate with empathy
This method works well if your sibling is emotional and/or always wants to be heard. When communicating with him, share how you think he feels while explaining the issues that are bothering you. Do this to show that you also care about his feelings.
- If you want to start the conversation in a positive way, you can say, "I know you don't have to let me use your computer, so I'd be glad you did."
- Include empathy in communicating your needs. For example, you might say, "I see why you don't feel the need to knock on the door because we slept together before. But now I need my own place. So please knock on the door, every time you want to come into my room."
Step 3. Be more assertive if he disagrees or doesn't take your word for it
This method is suitable for people who need to be treated well one day and then treated sternly on another. If he doesn't want to listen to you or is constantly doing things you don't like, feel free to be assertive by following these steps. Not that you have to be aggressive, huh! Instead, just show how serious you are about the boundaries.
- Start the conversation in a positive way like, "I'm glad you came into my room, but next time please knock on the door first, okay?" Say it in a polite but firm tone.
- If he doesn't want to listen to you, be more assertive by saying, "Amanda, don't come into my room unless you knock on the door." Keep your tone serious, but not rude or accompanied by shouting. Trust me, shouting will not speed up your communication process!
- If the same situation persists, take your prohibition more seriously like, “Amanda, I asked you to knock twice before entering my room. Don't come in until I ask you to!" Make sure your tone is serious and firm, but not emotional or accompanied by screaming that makes you sound out of control.
- If he still doesn't agree, there's nothing more you can do. The only thing you can do is keep making your wish to him clear.
Step 4. Emphasize yourself if your actions and words don't match
For example, if he's caught taking your food without your permission but won't admit it, use the moment to express how you feel using "I" words. In general, the utterance "I" consists of four important parts:
- Describe your brother's actions and specific facts about the situation. For example, “Amanda, you took my lunch menu today.” Don't use an accusatory tone like, "You stole my food." Or "You don't care about me, do you." Remember, you are not capable of reading other people's minds and should not assume before clarifying.
- Describe the impact his behavior had on you. For example, you could say, “I saved the food because I wanted to eat it today. Now, I have to look for other foods and don't have much time to choose options that are also delicious.”
- Then explain how you feel by saying, "When you took my food, it made me feel like you didn't really care about how I felt."
- Provide relevant solutions and/or describe the situation in more detail. For example, you could say, “I want you to ask permission next time. If I'm not at home, call just send a text message. If there's more food, I'll definitely be happy to share it with you, really."
Step 5. Remain calm when talking to him
Don't shout or treat your sibling rudely! If you want him to respect you, you must also learn to communicate what you mean without being rude or loud. Remember, your difficulty in controlling your emotions will be interpreted as weakness by him. As a result, he will try to divert your focus by inviting you to argue.
Practice your words in front of the mirror or with the help of a friend to help you calm down in the actual conversation. Try to always focus on the facts and maintain a natural tone of voice
Step 6. Simulate your attempts to be assertive with your closest friends
Ask the people closest to you to pretend to be your brother and help you practice your words. Choose someone who also knows your brother, and ask him to treat you the way your brother would. Then, practice your words to assert yourself or express boundaries to him.
- Write down the things you want to say and practice saying them during the simulation process. Then, ask your co-star for help to give a response that your sibling will give later. As a result, you can also train to defend yourself, right?
- Also learn to listen to your brother. Ask your co-star to explain the situation, then try to be an active listener. Once again, don't forget to write down all the questions you want to ask along with follow-up questions to respond to the answers. Be a good listener by nodding your head to affirm his words and making eye contact with him.
Part 3 of 3: Moving On
Step 1. Be proud that you've made your point, and be ready to do it again
Whatever happened after that no longer mattered. Most importantly, you've managed to defend yourself in front of him! Because the effort is not easy to do, be proud that you made it through well. In particular, this is a process that you must constantly practice because changing circumstances doesn't happen overnight!
While confronting him, convince yourself that you are doing the right thing! After that, remember that confronting him and setting personal boundaries is the right decision, regardless of how he reacts
Step 2. Reflect on the positive aspects of the conversation between you and your sibling, and evaluate aspects that could be improved on in the future
If you and your sibling aren't having a good conversation, or if you feel like you're not being listened to, don't get upset right away! Instead, focus on actions or words that make you happy because you said or did them. Then, come up with a plan to say what you mean in a different way, hear the words better, or react in a more positive and relevant way.
Step 3. Change the way you speak to yourself
In fact, many people often have monologues in their brains, and unfortunately, those monologues can be negative and repeated. In relation to your sibling, make sure you don't focus your mind on negative things in your kinship relationship. Not forgetting someone's ill-treatment in order to remind oneself to always stand up for one's personal well-being is right. However, at the same time you also can't keep lamenting about the negative things so that things don't get worse! Instead, try turning negative self-affirmations into positive ones to help reduce stress levels in other aspects of your life.
- For example, if you feel like you're constantly repeating negative self-affirmations like, "I'm never going to like him," your feelings for him will become even more negative! As a result, these negative emotions will make it more difficult for you and your sibling to establish a good relationship. Therefore, try to find ways to change your thoughts to be more positive. Not that you have to lie! Instead, try modifying it by thinking, “Sometimes I don't really like her, but she always stands up for me in front of Mom and Dad. He also cares about me.”
- Focus on the positive. After you disagree with him, you can say, "No matter what, I'm great at not losing control."
Step 4. Work harder to get closer to your sibling
If your relationship with him doesn't feel right, he probably thinks you're the one who doesn't like him. As a result, your relationship will be further apart. Therefore, try to find a way to re-establish closeness with him. The trick, try to find common interests between you, then invite him to do it together. For example, if you and he both like to watch movies at the cinema, try taking him to the movies together sometime.
- Ask about things that are going on in his life. If you have extra time, try to sincerely ask how he is. For example, you could ask, "Hey, what's been going on lately?" or "How are you really doing, anyway?" Believe me, most people feel happy when asked how they are sincerely.
- Show appreciation for the things your sibling does and says. Although it won't be easy at first, trust me that you will feel more and more used to it as time goes on. When you're out and about or talking to her, make every effort to show her you love her. For example, laugh when he jokes, ask questions, and tell him what you like about him. If the award is realized by him, surely he will do the same in the future.
- For example, if you see him helping a friend, compliment him by saying, "Wow, you're a really good friend, aren't you."
- If he does something for you, don't forget to show your appreciation! For example, you could say, "Uh, thank you for supporting me when I was accused of taking the keys with Mom and Dad."
Step 5. Share your situation with your parents and close friends
Get external support to improve the relationship that exists between you and your sister. Doing so will help you understand the situation better. In particular, parents usually have wise advice on how to better deal with your sibling's behavior. In addition, your friends may also have similar relationships with their siblings so that they can provide relevant views for you. In general, sharing the situation is a healthy way to improve relations with your sibling!
