One of the hardest things you have to deal with as a parent is watching your child who used to adore you turn into a nagging and abusive teenager. Your child's teenage years may overwhelm you, but if you want to have a peaceful home, it's important to have a clear plan to punish bad behavior and encourage good behavior. Instead of losing your temper, use the tips in this article when responding to your teen's rude behavior.
Step
Part 1 of 4: Defuse the Situation
Step 1. Don't raise your voice pitch
Research shows that yelling at your teen, no matter how much he deserves it, actually makes his behavior worse. It may feel good to yell at him in the short term, but parenting is about correcting your child's behavior, not making you feel good. As difficult as it is, don't let your child yell back, even if he screams loudly.
Step 2. Try to keep your teen calm
Even if you keep your anger in check, yelling at someone is still unpleasant. So, you have to stop your child's habit of raising his voice when arguing with you before he feels that it is okay to do so.
- If this is a new behavior for your child, understand the problem he's in and explain why yelling won't help anything: “I know you're sad, but shouting instead of solving the problem creates an argument. The more we fight, the less happy our lives will be.”
- If the behavior continues, be more assertive: “I will try not to get angry even if I am very upset. But, I also hope that you will do the same thing.”
- If your teen is used to nagging at you, set firm boundaries in a confident tone: “I don't know what you mean by that. Mom/Dad will continue to be your parent, and you must speak politely before Mom/Dad adds punishment to you”.
Step 3. Think before you speak
Everyone will remember when he got angry with someone without thinking about what he said – usually, you'll regret it right away. Take a moment to digest your reaction to frustration and anger before responding to your teen. Teenagers tend to act on emotion, but you as an adult and parent must act on logic.
Don't worry about venting your personal anger; instead, focus on what words will provoke the behavior you want in your child
Step 4. Take a deep breath
Taking deep breaths to keep your breathing and heart rate under control may help for some time. By reducing your physical characteristics when anger is high, you can calm yourself down. Counting to ten can also help you, although it will take longer to calm down.
Step 5. Stay away from the situation
If your anger is so intense that deep breathing and counting don't work to calm you down, you should step away from the conversation and ask your teen to do the same. When you're calming down, do something that reduces stress, like: read a book, knit, cook, lie down, and close your eyes-or whatever makes you feel better.
- "I'm too angry to talk calmly, and so are you. I'm worried that we might end up fighting, so I'm going to take a break."
- "I love you very much, but I think we should separate for about 15 minutes before continuing this discussion".
- "We should go to our respective rooms and calm down. When you are ready to talk again, I will wait for you in the family room, and you should also go there when you have calmed down".
- Don't restart the conversation until you've both calmed down.
Step 6. Don't accuse
Use “mother/dad” instead of using second person pronouns or “you” when speaking. When emotions run high, hearing the word "you" over and over again can make anyone feel attacked, and it's best avoided. Instead of attacking your teen for bad behavior, try to get him to understand how his words and actions are making life difficult for those around him, including you. For example, try saying:
- “Mom/dad feels bad when you talk like this” instead of “you behaved really badly”.
- “Mom/dad is so tired because you have been working all day and cleaning the house every day” rather than “you never clean up”.
- “Mom/dad is in trouble” rather than “you should be nicer to your mom/dad”.
Step 7. Anticipate when problems arise
Pay attention to situations that will provoke your teen's bad behavior. Your child may be upset after school, but he'll feel better after a snack or nap. Maybe he's being unkind because he has a lot of schoolwork or he's in a fight with a friend or girlfriend.
- By being aware of situations that provoke your child's misbehavior, you have the option of giving him leeway or proactively reducing his stress.
- Be proactive by making life easier: provide snacks in the kitchen after school, help with homework, and more.
Step 8. Don't take the comments to heart
While it can be very difficult to watch your child go from being a sweet kid to a grumpy teenager, you have to remember that for some reason, your child's grumbling has nothing to do with you. Starting from early adolescence (12-14 years), healthy children will begin to develop a new awareness for him that adults, including their parents, are not perfect. It's normal for teens to vent from time to time as they struggle to come to terms with the fact that you're a flawed human being with their newfound awareness before they learn how to understand you as a fellow adult.
Remember that you are not the only one with teenagers. Talk to your friends who have kids the same age as yours, and you'll realize that all teens behave the same way
Step 9. Change your perspective on his behavior
A child's bad behavior can make you angry, and it's very difficult to deal with the frustration you feel. However, it will be easier for you to calm down if you try to see things from his point of view. Think back to your youth-you must have nagged and said hurtful things to your parents too. Some things to remember about life from your teen's perspective include:
- Egocentrism, or the belief that one's interpretation of a situation is the only correct interpretation, is a normal part of the cognitive development process.
- Your child's brain is developing the ability to outgrow egocentrism, but that development isn't over yet. For example, when your child is three years old, he may be standing in front of the TV and not understanding his body blocking the view of others because he can watch TV. As a teenager, he grew beyond that-but there will always be ways to cope.
- Your teen's brain is developing so he can grasp abstractions in new ways for the first time. He perceives injustice as ubiquitous-but that assumption arises without the wisdom that results from life's experience, and without the cognitive ability to think about the consequences that would logically arise from his abstract thinking.
- Because of this, his mind was filled with thoughts about something that was considered unimportant in an adult's view. But remember that their brains are still developing important cognitive functions that will make them realize how to make the most of their time as you do.
Part 2 of 4: Managing Consequences
Step 1. Don't ignore his actions
Even though parenting is a day job that will last a lifetime, there is a difference between being calm and letting your teen go when he is bad. While you definitely don't want to fight with your child every time he grunts or rolls his eyes, you should engage him in frequent discussions to advise him that such behavior is inappropriate.
- Determine which behaviors you tolerate and which do not.
- One way to do this is to allow verbal impoliteness, such as exhaling exasperated breaths and squinting at the eyes, but to advise him not to grumble behind your back.
Step 2. Describe your expectations
If your child doesn't understand where boundaries lie in family interactions, he or she will overstep your boundaries. Making an explicit written contract about the repercussions for behind-the-scenes nagging and other bad behavior is a good way to set boundaries. While confrontation can be exhausting, it's important that you be a verbal communicator when your child breaks a contract. Explain explicitly what behavior or use of language crosses the line between “attention-seeking teens” or “problematic rudeness”. As an example:
- "It's okay, really, if you're tired and don't clean the room right now. I know that you do a lot of homework. However, this tone of voice is unacceptable and you can be punished.”
- "You may not be able to control the blinking of your eyes, but you can control the tone of your voice, right? Because you've crossed the line, son ".
- "I know that you are upset because of being punished - my mother/father must be as upset as you are. But even though I am very upset with you now, I am not talking rudely, right? You can't talk rudely."
Step 3. Create frequent and predictable punishments for bad behavior
If you punish arbitrarily, your teen will not understand the consequences of his nagging habit. Explain to your child what punishment he will receive for his bad behavior so he knows what he will face if he behaves badly. For example, say:
- "I understand that you are young, and sometimes you will get angry. But if you raise your voice to mom and dad twice in a week, we will cut your lunch in half".
- “You can't go anywhere on Saturdays and Sundays if you say rude things in this house. There are no exceptions."
Step 4. Make the punishment happen whenever it's needed
You might think that you're going to spend time punishing your child every time he misbehaves, but no one said parenting was easy! If you punish him inconsistently-let him get away with it when he misbehaves and sometimes punish him at other times-your teen will be confused. Teens are programmed to push boundaries, so the boundaries you set must be firm.
- "You already know if you raise your voice twice in this house, your pocket money will be deducted. Don't be angry or you will know the consequences".
- "You promised you wouldn't complain to mom/dad again. But you just did it. You know the consequences of your actions. Only you can control your own emotions".
Step 5. Don't negotiate without a good reason
If your child does something that prevents him from going to the school farewell party, you might want to push the punishment time into next weekend. Ultimately, you want him to learn from his mistakes, not miss out on important life experiences. However, don't get into the habit of letting your teen go through negotiations for good reason. Wanting to go to the mall with his friends is nothing special to make you break the rules to punish him.
Step 6. Ask him to do a productive task as a punishment
Simply forbidding your child to go outside and leaving him in his room will not improve his behavior. Some teens may indeed enjoy relaxing in their room. Instead, use their punishment as an opportunity to instill life lessons. As an example:
- "I understand that you are upset that you can't get the video game you want, but you also have to learn that there is a difference between what you get and what you deserve. Everyone has the right to have shelter, clothing, food and love from his family-but not everyone has it. We'll be volunteering to cook soup for the underprivileged this Sunday so you know you should be grateful."
- "I don't think you understand that words are so cruel, so you should write an essay about the history of abusive language in this country. Prove to mom/dad that you finally understand the power of words".
- "I think it is difficult for you to speak to your mother/father politely. I want you to write a letter about how you feel about this, and write it in a good and correct language".
Step 7. Remove the "privileges" if needed
Be prepared to argue if you choose to take something of value to your child, but it is the most effective way to show that your child's behavior is no longer intolerable. What you lose will depend on your child-consider what is most valuable to him/her and don't want him to sacrifice later on.
- For example, you can take your child's car, cell phone, laptop or TV.
- Set a clear deadline for when the item will be returned; The payback will depend on the good behavior your child displays.
- Say, “If you act like this again, mom/dad will keep your favorite things for longer. The punishment will be even more severe if you continue to behave badly.”
Part 3 of 4: Supporting Good Behavior
Step 1. Reward your child for good behavior
Don't wait until he upsets you before you discuss his behavior. When your teen does something that makes you proud or lightens your load-like doing the dishes without being asked, helping a classmate who is being bullied, etc.-don't be afraid to compliment him just as you would punish him when he upset you.
- A heartfelt thank you with hugs and kisses will make your child want to continue doing things that make them feel loved and appreciated.
- Sometimes, if your teen is very calm when faced with a difficult situation or can't resist fighting you, give him a special gift.
- Examples of positive gifts are buying him something he wants (for example, a video game), enrolling him in a course he is interested in (such as tennis, guitar, etc.), taking him for a walk (such as a sporting event), or letting him go somewhere which is usually not allowed (such as going to a concert with friends).
Step 2. "Brib" him into good behavior, but think "bribe" carefully
Research on bribing children for good behavior has been contradictory: some studies say it's a good way to develop positive habits, while others say it makes children behave well simply because they're promised a reward. Bribes can work, but only if you think carefully about what message you want to convey to your child.
- Don't limit it to just a “bribe”. For example, you give your usual pocket money which will be deferred if he says something rude to you.
- That way, he won't see it as a reward for good behavior, but as a result of bad behavior. Instead of training him to see good behavior as something that will get him a reward, he will see that bad behavior is something that will be rewarded.
Step 3. Be a good listener
Teenagers' problems may seem trivial compared to those of adults, but your child won't be against you if you show you care about them. Look for ways to connect with your child about youth issues:
- "I remember that studying in class made you sleepy at your age. Even now, you are still sleepy in the office. But your grades keep dropping now."
- "Indeed, if friends have been talking about us behind their backs, it will hurt. Here, tell your mother/father".
Step 4. Be a good role model for her
Think about how you behave around your child: do you roll your eyes or fight with your partner in front of him? If so, you make him feel that it is okay to do so. Children learn by imitating the behavior of those around them, and if you can't control the behavior of those around your child at school or while watching TV, you can control the behavior you display in front of them.
Step 5. Eat together as a family
It will be very difficult to gather all the family members for dinner together because each one is busy with work, homework, friends, internet, and TV. However, research reveals that regular family dinners are a proven indicator that children of all ages behave well. Make eating with your family a priority.
- Take this time to ask your child what he's been up to lately, and what's upsetting him.
- This is a way to get him to let his frustrations out in a way that strengthens the bond between parent and child.
- Without regular conversations like this, you'll only hear his irritation when it builds up and explodes into an argument.
Part 4 of 4: Dealing with Serious Behavior Problems
Step 1. Coordinate your efforts with other adults
There is a saying that "raising children must be done with mutual cooperation", and that expression is true. There are many other adults your child interacts with, and they may also be treated as disrespectfully as you. Contact them and coordinate an effort to set boundaries and practice discipline in a systematic way to limit your child's behavior problems.
- Set up a meeting with the counseling counselor at his school to discuss any behavior problems your child may have at school and make plans to limit such behavior.
- Talk to your child's homeroom teacher, if possible. Set up a system of punishment for when your child goes against your words from home to class, and discuss it with all of your child's teachers.
- For example, you can ask the teacher to tell you when your child fights the teacher at school so you can discipline him through some punishments such as doing extra cleaning, forbidding him to go, and so on.
- If your child spends a lot of time at a friend's house, keep in touch with the friend's parents. If you are comfortable with their parenting style and abilities, tell them that they can discipline your child as they would their child if he or she is seen to be misbehaving.
Step 2. Enroll your teen on a sports team
Research shows that long-term, structured, team-oriented exercise can provide benefits beyond keeping your child healthy. Exercise also has an effect on increasing grades, decreasing behavioral problems, and increasing self-confidence. Team sports will also provide your child with a positive authority figure, a coach. A good coach will promote healthy social behavior and provide the emotional support your child doesn't ask for from you. In addition, the bond that exists between your child and his or her teammates will create a sense of community and pride-for the team and the school-which is correlated with better focus and behavior.
- Choose a sport that your child likes; Forcing your troubled child to do something he doesn't like will not correct his bad behavior.
- Research the coach before letting your child join a team. Set up a meeting to meet with the coach and talk to the parents of all the other kids on the team to make sure the coach's character development goals align with yours.
- Talk to the coach discreetly about the issues you and your child are having, so he or she will know what's going on and can come up with a plan for dealing with these issues.
- Show interest in your child's involvement in a team. Watch all the matches you can attend, and be a noisy fan. Support your child, and grieve when he loses.
Step 3. Follow functional family therapy or "Functional Family Therapy" (FFT)
Even if you think the problem is with your child, you, as a parent, should be willing to work hard if you want your child's behavior to improve. FFT is recommended for families with children aged 11-18 who exhibit serious behavior problems, including delinquency and violence. This therapy focuses on 5 dimensions: engagement, motivation, relative judgment, behavior change, and generalization.
- Engagement: FFT therapists develop close relationships with all family members and are available to a greater extent than non-FFT therapists. The FFT therapist relationship is much more intimate than other types of therapy.
- Motivation: the therapist will help redefine the difference between blame and responsibility-these are sometimes unclear. The goal is to change the family dynamic from blaming to expecting.
- Relative assessment: the therapist will make an objective analysis of the dynamics among your family members through observation and interviews. They will try to change the perception of family problems from an individual perspective to a relationship perspective. This will allow family members to see the relationship of family members and how all family members can work together, rather than focusing on each other as someone who is isolated in the structure of a family.
- Behavior change: the therapist will equip your family with family resolution techniques and communication methods that will help you get through bad moods and family problems in a more structured way.
- Generalization: You will make a plan to develop what you have learned in the FFT session in your life after completion of therapy.
- FFT is usually performed in 12-14 sessions over a 3-5 month period.
Step 4. Attend attachment-based family therapy (ABFT) with your child if they suffer from parental attachment issues
This closeness theory explains that the relationship formed by the baby with the caregiver in the early years will continue to influence the relationship and behavior in youth and adulthood. If you, as a parent, weren't able to provide a safe and educational environment as a child, it's unreasonable to expect him to get through his own closeness issues as a teenager, even though you're a much better parent now than you were before.
- ABFT sessions are usually conducted for 1.5 hours once a week.
- This session begins with the question “why don't you (the child) tell your parents when you are having a hard time?”
- The therapist will meet with your family members in group or individual sessions.
- Individual sessions will guide your teen through bad childhood memories that must be disclosed and addressed for positive behavior change.
- Sessions with parents alone will help parents deal with any closeness issues they may have too, and how their problems are reflected in the child's behavior.
- A full family session will provide a safe place for you to be honest with each other and make plans to improve the family dynamic.
Tips
- Teens can say hurtful things because they don't consider the consequences. As a parent, it's your responsibility to show them the consequences if they behave disrespectfully to others.
- Stay calm and don't vent your anger in an irrational, aggressive, and impulsive way!
- Keep in mind that a lot of times, when your child has a sharp mouth, it's because of the hormones. Don't take everything to heart because often they don't mean to be rude or disrespectful.
