If your mother-in-law repeatedly hurts you both physically and emotionally, it could do permanent damage to your marriage. Here are some ways to deal with your mother-in-law while protecting yourself, your family and your future.
Step
Part 1 of 4: Preventing Conflict from Escalating
Step 1. Release yourself emotionally
Think of her as an acquaintance and not "another mother," unless the relationship between the two of you is warm, friendly, and full of a sense of family. Don't call her by the nickname you used to call your own mother. He's not your parent; You have an equal relationship with him. Address her with the common courtesy used for older women and if the mother-in-law is from another area, they usually have a special nickname. Just follow the prevailing custom to greet him respectfully and decide on a nickname, with your partner, that you are comfortable using.
Step 2. Understand common problems
There are often many reasons why a mother-in-law may be fussy with her child's new partner. He may feel that his position is less important in the eyes of his child (or still think of him as someone's son rather than someone's husband). She may have a hard time being number two in her child's life. He may indeed be a very different person from you. Understanding the reasons behind the behavior instead of feeling offended will make it easier for you to deal with it.
Step 3. Get away from her physically
You don't have to move to another country, but you don't have to attend every event. People can understand if your partner attends some family events without you. However, don't make it a habit. You should not create a gap between your spouse and family. The mother-in-law can think of it as a win – she can spend time with her child and avoid you completely. Although this is easier to do, it will lead to disharmony in your marriage in the end.
Step 4. Remember that expecting your mother-in-law to change is nearly impossible
If he criticizes you, badmouths you to other family members and doesn't pay attention to anything you have to say, he may be trying to emphasize how the two of you are. If he does this, remember to keep his distance even when he is being friendly. Look to other women for direction, advice, friendliness and role models. You may have to cross it out as a positive factor in your life.
Step 5. Identify and avoid triggers
Before connecting with your partner's family, imagine an incident that always irritates you. What words or actions made your blood boil? Once you've identified those triggers (which tend to be the same emotionally, but manifest in different ways), think of ways to avoid them.
Step 6. Don't cloud your emotions
If conflict is unavoidable, feel free to respond honestly. Don't be rude, but be firm and don't use sweet words. Remember that despite your efforts to avoid direct conflict, your mother-in-law does not show respect for your feelings about the issue at hand. Don't let worrying about hurting your partner's relatives or family keep you from responding appropriately – they just don't show that kind of tolerance.
Step 7. Don't use guilt as a weapon
If your mother-in-law tries to use guilt as a tool of manipulation, you can easily get over it. Every time you see her trying to manipulate your emotions by making you feel guilty, bring the whole issue to the surface by asking, "You're trying to make me feel guilty, aren't you?" He may deny it, but you'll soon see the pattern repeat itself. Continue to interrupt the pattern that is causing you to fall into guilt by directing your attention to his emotional manipulation tactics. You don't have to be rude, but you have to stop him from using guilt as a weapon.
If you refuse to get caught up in feelings of guilt, it will open the way for you to be more objective and compassionate in seeing the fact that he may be using guilt feelings for feeling helpless. If you can respond to this state of helplessness, you have the opportunity to change the relationship for the better. For example, say something in front of the whole family to compliment him like, “We usually schedule Friday nights to have dinner with Mom and Dad. We need family time with them.” This gives him a degree of importance in front of everyone and helps make him feel needed and wanted
Step 8. Think about your spouse and children
You certainly don't want to say or do anything that could damage their relationship. Should you try to break the tension? Holding your tongue? Sometimes you have to be proud and sweet for the sake of other people's happiness.
Part 2 of 4: Setting Boundaries
Step 1. Set limits
You set boundaries in your relationship, both with your partner and with your mother-in-law. If these boundaries are violated and your mother-in-law doesn't seem to pick up on your cues, and if your partner isn't willing to respond to the situation or is on your side, then you need to be firm to restore balance. Set boundaries that you consider to be the most basic lines that should not be crossed and that make you feel betrayed when they are violated, and make sure they understand them well.
- For example, if you value privacy highly and a relative insists on frequent unannounced visits, that might be your bottom line. The first thing to realize is that it's not a taboo to meet your own needs. A relationship that makes you feel betrayed is not a healthy relationship.
- If your mother-in-law drops by unannounced and you and your partner are about to head out for dinner, you can say, “Wow, what a pleasure to meet you. I wish you had informed us beforehand that you were coming. Budi and I are going to dinner. If we had known Mother would be dropping by, we would have made plans to have dinner at home.” This explains to the mother-in-law that next time she has to tell in advance if she wants to come.
Step 2. Verbalize your boundaries
If you keep quiet, mother-in-law will not stop. And if you don't explain to your partner how you want to deal with the problem, your partner may continue to silence their parents at your expense. Talk to your partner first. If your partner can't stop the offense, go see your mother-in-law.
If you go on for years without expressing yourself clearly and enforcing your boundaries like an adult and allowing your mother-in-law to treat you like a child for too long, chances are she won't take you seriously at first. There may be a "shock" reaction, which is usually artificial, in response to the fact that you dared to try to impose limits on the behavior. Just let him react and keep your attitude
Step 3. Establish your boundaries
Do this in a compassionate but firm way. However, it is possible that you allowed this behavior to continue for years and that means you have a share and are partly responsible for the fact that your mother-in-law never understands the behavior you expect from her. If your gentle warnings are not heeded, take a no-nonsense approach to enforcing your boundaries.
- Tell him that for the next 10 days (start with 10, extend to 30 if he doesn't understand your message at first), you intend to strictly enforce the limits you've outlined. Explain to him that if he breaches your limit just once during those 10 days, you will initiate a 10 day communication block. If you have to enforce Blocking, ask your spouse to be present and tell your mother-in-law that she won't have any contact for 10 days. This includes surprise visits, phone calls and emails-unless there's an emergency. After the 10-day “fasting” period, you can reimpose the original 10-day limit trial and repeat the process.
- Show your mother-in-law that you and your partner are both committed to doing this (and it's better if your partner tells the mother instead of you). Try to be completely transparent about what you do. Also let them know that you are forced to choose this process because he has no other choice. Remind him that you've tried to tell him how serious you are and that all of those efforts went unheeded.
Step 4. Consider another approach if you feel you can't have a confrontation with your mother-in-law
Why don't you write down what he said or did? That way, the situation doesn't grow bigger and bigger in your head, especially after days of holding onto it. And after a while, you will be able to understand his actions more clearly and make you aware of the times when you were alone and he insulted you or entered private spaces or touched personal items without permission. You will be better prepared for the next opportunity and will not feel so scared or victimized again.
Use writing to retaliate without speaking. For example, let's say he searches your bag. Just put a note in the bag that reads; 'This is not Mother's property. Don't search my bag without my permission.' Or, put a lock on. Think of a solution to sabotage his spying/theft action
Part 3 of 4: Asking Your Partner for Help
Step 1. Share your feelings with your partner
Tell your husband (or wife) that his mother's treatment is hurting you. You have the right to share these feelings with your partner. Don't criticize your mother-in-law - remember that she is your spouse's mother - but don't protect her either. You can say something like, “Honey, your mom probably didn't mean to hurt anyone, but she did last night. Next time, if he says something like (give an example of what he said that hurt you), I'd really appreciate it if you could share my opinion with him."
Step 2. Ask your partner for support
Does your partner support you? Spouse support is very important and will determine your success in dealing with issues with your mother-in-law. Sometimes you have to tell your partner that there's a problem, because he or she may be silent because she doesn't want to offend anyone. Be clear and offer a specific solution that is acceptable to both of you. Each partner must be responsible for putting the marriage/partner first, then your childhood family. This sometimes requires you to protect the marriage of the family you were born into. If your husband/wife is not willing to come forward and protect you from his mother, it means that you have problems that will haunt you throughout your marriage.
Step 3. Make your partner understand that he or she must be the leader for his family
If your partner doesn't want to deal with his family, you will never solve this problem. Your mother-in-law has already shown that she doesn't respect or acknowledge your existence. Nothing you say or do will change that. Unless your partner is willing to take responsibility, outlines clear boundaries that the mother-in-law should not cross, and is willing to follow through with these statements with clear actions and consequences, then you will have to face the fact that you can never change your relationship with your mother-in-law. This may be the cause of the rift in your household. If so, let your partner know before it's too late so he or she has time to make things right.
Part 4 of 4: Dealing with a Bullying Mother-in-Law with Love
Step 1. Show compassion, not cruelty or anger
There are many ways to send messages gently instead of being sneaky or manipulative. This world is made up of many good people and good intentions. Actually mother-in-law has many good sides. She may be suffering from not being able to have the special relationship with her son that she used to be. Regardless of whatever reason is causing him to feel neglected or threatened, look for the good in him.
Step 2. Understand what prompted him to act that way
Try the following to do it:
- Observe him as an individual. Notice why he behaves a certain way.
- Understand her needs as a mother.
- Understand her needs as a mother-in-law.
Step 3. Meet only the needs you can provide
For needs that you can't provide, or don't want, refuse by giving a reasonable excuse.
For example: Let's say that your daughter has reached school age and her mother-in-law feels that school A is the best for your daughter. However, you prefer school B. Respond like this: “I don't mind sending my daughter to school A. But school B has more values that I think Mom would also agree with, such as friendliness, an organic way of life, healthy activities, and etc. That's why I chose school B." This way, you show respect for what he thinks is important, but you can still stand up for your opinion
Step 4. Answer annoying questions or questions you don't like by counterattacking without showing what your preferences are
For example, say, "We're still thinking about it, what do you think?" Listen to the explanation without interrupting, but you are not obliged to follow the steps, the final choice is always yours. Remember that you are your own master. No one can interfere with it, unless you allow it.
Step 5. Set a time limit for the chat in a polite but constructive way
If your mother-in-law is on the phone too long, set a timer for 10 minutes. When the timer is at two seconds, turn it off and say, “I really enjoyed talking to Mom, but I still have to iron, clean the bathroom, feed the cat, take the dog for a walk, cook pasta for Adam, and make rice crispy. in the form of a train for a children's school project. I feel bad, but can I call Mom again Friday at 10:00 am? Is the time possible?” Keep your promise, but again try to keep the phone conversation short and sweet.
Step 6. Set some rules that allow the mother-in-law to spend some time with her son occasionally
For example, you can create a rule every three times; that is, every third visit, leave him alone with his son. Go for a jog, complete an errand, or better yet, offer to go grocery shopping for him. That way, you visit him, but also show him that you're not a threat. He could always be alone with his beloved son if necessary.
Tips
- You deserve a quiet life. Mother-in-law deserves respect, but if her behavior is bad, she is not entitled to any privileges. Mother-in-law sometimes assume that they will be the head of a powerful family. If he doesn't deserve respect, you have the right to protect yourself and your marriage, and enforce strong boundaries.
- You marry the person you care about, not the mother. Of course, you'll have to make occasional adjustments and compromises, but no one should completely change themselves just because their mother-in-law is dominant, passive-aggressive, or ignorant.
- Remember that he will say and do what he wants, you should do what you feel comfortable with as long as you don't demean yourself and follow his moral standards.
- If you suspect he's faking his illness to get attention, accept the bluff. "I'm worried about the headaches that you often experience. Let's call Mom's doctor to make an appointment."
- This topic relates to a difficult mother-in-law… I love the way people find excuses to tolerate bad behavior. For example, enthusiastic but clueless. Whatever the reason, you can't change anyone else, only yourself. Taking care of yourself and your marriage is important for peace and joy. Many wonderful mother-in-laws. This article is not about that, stop looking for excuses to justify bad behavior, some people are not lucky enough to have supportive in-laws and they need help setting boundaries.
- Consider sitting down together and having a heart-to-heart conversation with your mother-in-law. Choose the right time carefully. Think in advance what you want to say. Ask your partner for support and thoughts on this in advance. If your mother-in-law is making your life miserable, why not try?
- Mother-in-law, if nurtured properly, can be a great and useful force in your life as well as a great support network for your marriage. But you have to work hard to make it happen and communication is key. Just let him know that you need more alone time or something else. It's only when he ignores your wishes after you've explained them that you can use other steps.
- Sometimes, mother-in-law's negative behavior is simply ignorance and not malicious intent.
- If possible, be kind and gentle with him. You will make more friends by being nice than by being rude.
- The prospect of “getting a son or daughter” makes the mother-in-law feel excited and sometimes overreacting even though she doesn't really mean to cross her line. Show a kind and loving attitude. He may just be excited about getting a new family member and want to lend a helping hand by interfering too deeply.
Warning
- If all efforts are in vain, move to another city. Many people claim that their marriage can be saved with this solution.
- Sometimes in-laws can be very rude and mean to their partner because they see that your partner has the ability or advantage to succeed in life over them and they don't like it so they refuse to act quickly by deliberately causing disturbances, making hurtful statements, swearing at your partner and make your partner unhappy, and so on. In-laws do this because they want to destroy your marriage and they believe this is the best approach to do so because a happy human being will only make success in life. And again, if your partner doesn't have the power to make changes to this or even correct the attitude of your mother-in-law and siblings that is troubling you, the best course of action is to move to another city away from them and closer to God through prayer because of people. These people are sure to wait for your downfall and feel good when you're always in trouble. They will never change because they believe they will not be able to compete with you.
- If your mother-in-law verbally attacks you, your husband or wife should support you. Your spouse can call your mother-in-law and say, “I heard you say X to my wife/husband. I didn't think it was nice, and what Mom said really hurt her. Please don't do that again."
- If your partner doesn't support you, this is a critical signal in both your relationship with your mother-in-law and your own marriage. You should seriously think about whether this is the marriage you want to keep.
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Mother-in-law sometimes “waits silently” until no one is in the room (including her own husband, who she certainly wants to be on her side). Don't be alone with him. If you find yourself alone with him, get up immediately and go to the bathroom, go for a walk or do whatever it takes to get out of the situation.
If there are children present, it is highly recommended to take them out of the room at the same time you leave the room. If you don't trust your mother-in-law, you certainly can't entrust your children to her. Do not let him poison the minds of children with harmful words and ruin your relationship with them
