Changes in good and bad times and fluctuating feelings are normal in relationships. However, if you feel like you're not receiving the respect you deserve or the attention you want, it may be time to discuss your needs and wants with your partner and find ways to feel fully happy in your relationship.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Evaluating Wants and Needs
Step 1. Prioritize respect
There is a saying that “love is all we need”, but along with that, everyone needs respect. If there is no respect, is there love? Respect goes both ways, meaning it will not be accepted if it is not given. Make sure you treat your partner with the same amount of respect you would expect from them.
Most importantly, have respect for yourself. Treat yourself with respect and dignity. Don't get into a relationship just because you're lonely, and don't let your partner stomp on you. For more on this subject, read the article How to Respect Yourself
Step 2. Evaluate the pair
Feelings can be depressing, but you also have to think about what kind of person he really is. What are the principles and personality of your partner? Think about what impact his values and personality have on you and your relationship.
If your partner treats friends and family in a way that you don't like, chances are that you and your partner have different views on how you treat other people. It may be difficult to agree on how to treat each other in a way that is pleasing to both of you
Step 3. Consider your own values
Think about what values you value in your partner, or what you consider "non-negotiable." If you value mutualism but your current relationship seems out of balance, ask yourself if there's something you can compromise on or not.
- Think about all the values you value in your partner and relationship, then compare that to current reality. What are you willing to compromise, and what are you not willing to bargain?
- Chances are, you won't meet someone who meets all of your "criteria," so you'll have to be willing to compromise in certain areas. Remember that you can choose which areas require compromise and which do not.
Step 4. Remember that sex is not the same as love
Physical attraction and intimacy can easily be mistaken for love, especially early in a relationship. It is important for you to distinguish between sex and love.
Think about what you get out of the relationship, and what your partner gets
Step 5. Assess your compatibility
Make sure you and him have the same understanding. If one person takes the relationship casual while the other takes it seriously, chances are you treat each other differently and end up feeling unhappy. The way you treat him is not the same as the way he treats you, or you expect treatment based on your own expectations. Make it clear what your goals are in the relationship.
If you're not clear on the nature of the relationship or aren't sure how your partner feels, talk about it
Part 2 of 3: Communicating with Couples
Step 1. Write down all the things you want to talk about
Right now you may be engulfed in anger or frustration. However, before attacking your partner, write down your problems. Putting your thoughts and feelings down on paper can help clarify what's important, what you want to say, and how to say it.
If you are angry with your partner, write down some examples of their behavior that made you uncomfortable. Make sure you understand the problem you want to solve and know how to solve it
Step 2. Speak openly
Talk about what happened honestly and openly, but subtly. Your partner may feel defensive if he or she feels negative evaluations or judgments, so make sure you start with an open heart. If you can't think of any kind words, you may need to rethink your options for living with him.
- Communicate openly and interact with a good attitude.
- Instead of attacking your partner or putting him on the defensive, say things that show you appreciate him or her first. From there, you can steer the conversation towards things you both can change.
Step 3. Express your feelings
Remember that you feel something, and that feeling is valid. Even if those feelings stem from misinformation or misunderstandings, you can feel them and express them. Don't let him downplay your feelings.
To avoid blaming your partner, use "I" statements. For example, instead of saying, "You always ignore me," say, "I'm sad when you leave. It feels like you don't want to be near me."
Step 4. Say what you need
Communicate what you need from your partner and from the relationship itself. You can have desires and express them with your partner. If you're holding back on your needs for fear of sparking an argument, ask yourself again if that helps. Can you sacrifice those needs, or do you grow resentment because you continue to be reluctant to discuss them?
If your partner is always late and it really bothers you and makes you feel unappreciated, tell him. Emphasize how you feel because of the habit, not by blaming him. Say, “I feel uncomfortable when you're always late. It's as if you don't value my time. I'd be happy if you'd put in the effort on time."
Step 5. Ask your partner to listen to you
If you want to say something without interruption, tell your partner. The other person can easily interrupt or want to justify their words or actions, but ask them to let you finish. If you find him unreceptive, you may need to have the conversation at another time.
Say, “I wanted to hear what you had to say, but now I want to talk and you listen. After that we take turns.”
Part 3 of 3: Taking the Next Step
Step 1. Set limits
Boundaries allow for respectful interaction and the existence of appropriate limits. Boundaries also help you to avoid making assumptions. If you assume that your partner has the same feelings and thoughts, you will run into a lot of problems and misunderstandings. You can set boundaries for your partner so they don't use abusive or insulting language at you, or don't speak negatively about your family.
Setting a time limit can also help. For example, you are having a serious discussion and then realize that you have to pick up your sister. Say, "I want to hear what you have to say, and I can give you your full attention in 5 minutes." Or say, "I'll do the dishes if you put all the dishes in the sink by 8 o'clock."
Step 2. Make an agreement to make changes
Relationships will work well if both parties agree to make changes and work together. Together, determine what changes you want, and figure out how to make them happen. Don't expect things to change without effort, make a plan that will help you and your partner make the change happen.
Have a mindset that relationships can be beneficial for personal development, and that compromises and changes that are beneficial to both parties can help your development and meet the needs of you and your partner
Step 3. Let go of hate
If you keep remembering what your partner did, let it go now. You have the choice of letting go of the hatred or ending the relationship. It's not fair for you to be angry about what happened, and it's not fair for him to continue to be haunted by it until you get through it. If you feel you deserve special treatment because your partner has messed up, you have a choice whether or not to forget about it.
Yes, being betrayed is painful. But think about how you treated him after the incident. Do you treat him with love and respect? If you can no longer appreciate it now, you may want to consider whether this relationship is worth living
Step 4. Establish reasonable expectations for the relationship
After you share your concerns and thoughts and feelings, you may find that there are different perspectives between the two of you. Your understanding of how to treat someone well in a relationship may differ from your partner's, so you have to find a compromise. Talk about what your expectations are, and how you can meet and compromise on these important factors.
If you both want this relationship, you both need to find compromise and cooperation on sensitive topics. For example, if you're arguing about how much time to spend with your in-laws, agree that you'll be attending family events but not every time, while your spouse may choose to go every time
Step 5. Decide if this relationship is right for you
If you feel deeply disappointed, unappreciated, or treated unfairly, consider whether this relationship is really good for you. Think about why you persisted even though you felt that things were out of balance. Be honest with yourself and take some time to think about what's best for you.
Remember that you can't change someone. If you're just waiting for your partner to change or if you're constantly making excuses for their behavior, this may be an indication that the relationship isn't the best choice for you
Tips
- Don't have conversations via email or phone. Body language can say a lot.
- Always talk face to face. Don't involve other people in the relationship.
- Trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't.
