You will be frustrated if your own parents treat your sibling special. Before you get too upset, understand that you and your sibling have different interests, hobbies, and abilities and need to be treated differently. If you believe that your parents only favor the sibling, talk about the problem and share your feelings with them. Heal the emotional wounds caused by the treatment, then seek professional help if necessary.
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Method 1 of 3: Responding to a Child's Favorite Parental Behavior
Step 1. Understand that every relationship has a different dynamic
Because everyone is different, no one can treat two people the same way. Sometimes, from another point of view, your parents can seem like your favourite. It is unrealistic to expect any parent to be able to treat their children in the same hundred percent way.
- However, there is no reason to favor one child over another.
- Before confronting this issue with your parents, ask yourself if you believe your sibling is really getting preferential treatment. Of course, he may get "special" treatment in some respects, but you should also be treated the same in other ways. If this is the case, the parents do not treat your sibling in a special way, but view their children as unique individuals with different needs.
Step 2. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself
It's important to share your feelings with your parents if you feel they are being unfair. Express your feelings honestly. Whether you're an adult or a teenager who wants to feel more valued, it's important to talk about parental unfair treatment.
Try to start the conversation by saying something like "Mom and Dad, after some thought and I'd like to convey that I feel like I'm being treated differently from Budi."
Step 3. Express your feelings in a firm, but not aggressive manner
Find quiet moments to talk about parental behavior directly without being distracted. For example, say "I'm really hurt because you guys treat me differently than my own sister."
- Avoid “confrontational” with “you” statements (e.g. “You don't care about me”) and focus on using “I” statements when expressing feelings (e.g., “I hurt being treated differently”).
- Give specific examples to explain the points made. For example, you could continue the conversation by saying, “It seems like you guys always come to Budi's soccer game, but only come once to my volleyball game. How come?"
- Finish your sentence with a direct request, such as “I hope you can come to at least three of my matches this year. I think that's fair."
- If you can't pinpoint why you feel like you're being treated differently, start memorizing and take notes. After that, when you have recorded the evidence, talk to your parents.
- Be honest when expressing your feelings.
Step 4. Don't argue
If your parents are angry or upset, don't fight them. Remain calm and end the conversation if you feel you are not making progress or are frustrated. Don't get angry, nag, and yell at them. However, stay calm and speak slowly. Choose the words you use carefully.
- If you feel irritated by the conversation, try to take a break and do some deep breathing exercises. Say something like “I'll be right back. Please give me a few minutes.”
- You may need to talk to your parents more than once about this issue. If they won't listen the first time they talk, try again another time.
- Stay focused on the topic being discussed. Don't let your parents distract you or take their actions lightly.
Step 5. Don't expect your parents to change
In the best-case scenario, your parents will notice their different treatment and promise to change. However, they may disagree with your opinion, even if there is evidence of it. They may deny the behavior, or admit it and try to justify it. If this happens, be prepared to face frustration and sadness.
Remember, you can't change other people. You can only change yourself
Method 2 of 3: Dealing with the Effect
Step 1. Stay positive
Look for the bright side. Instead of saying to yourself "That conversation didn't get the results I wanted", say "That conversation wasn't satisfying, but I did my best and feel proud of it. Other people will certainly appreciate my hard work.”
- Face your negative thoughts. When you think "I'm so stupid," stop the thought and imagine it as a red balloon. Imagine that thought written on the side of the balloon.
- Imagine yourself releasing the balloon into the air. Watch the balloons float up and never come down again.
- After that, imagine that there are hundreds of balloons coming down from the sky. Each balloon bears a positive word, such as “I am a winner.”
Step 2. Manage your emotions
Because of your parent's behavior, you may feel irritable and/or aggressive. This mental condition can affect the ability to form relationships with other people. Learn to control your emotions and don't be provoked.
- Before saying or doing something out of anger, think about what it would feel like if someone else did that to you. Breathe in slowly through your nose, then out of your mouth to feel more relaxed.
- Look for positive outlets to relieve your anger and frustration, for example by running or cycling. Take self-defense classes. Physical activity is a great way to channel anger.
- Look for alternatives to violence, yelling, or other angry reactions. In the end, these reactions will not solve the problem or defuse the situation that triggered it. If someone says something that offends you, for example, be mature. Just say “I don't like the way you treat me. Let's apologize."
Step 3. Rebuild your confidence
If your parents over the years behaved as if your brother or sister was smarter, funnier, or more attractive, you will begin to believe that. Learn to identify critical feelings and dislikes about yourself, and then fight those feelings as much as you can.
- The quickest way to prove your worthlessness is to pursue hobbies and interests. Whatever you're doing, just keep going. The harder you practice, the better you will be at it. After about 10,000 hours of practice, you will have mastered the hobby or interest. Developing talent can increase self-confidence and self-esteem.
- Push yourself. Look at your face in the mirror every day after waking up and say "My life is very precious and there are many people who like me."
- Make friends with people who care about you. Ask for their support when you are feeling down.
Step 4. Build healthy relationships
Children who are bullied or neglected by their parents are at risk of being exploited by others who provide them with care and validation. Stay away from radical groups, terrorist organizations, and deviant sects, especially those that have a family form of organization. As a child who feels seconded by his parents, you may be tempted by the promise of love and attention they provide. However, these agreements are usually only temporary and are designed to benefit you in the future.
Remember, true love is given unconditionally, and without any strings attached to get certain benefits
Step 5. Don't blame your brother
If your parents give a sibling preferential treatment, you may think that the sibling and your parents are conspiring together. In fact, you must understand that parents are fully responsible for their own behavior.
- Your sibling is not at fault for the behavior of the parents. Maintain a healthy and positive relationship with him.
- If your sibling is mature enough to understand the situation, talk to him about the matter. Seek advice and encourage him to stand up for you.
Step 6. Improve your academic grades
Children who are seconded by their parents are usually children who do not do well in school. Find a bright and quiet place to study. Do your homework every night and use a scheduler app to find time to study before exams, write essays, and complete important projects.
- Arrange everything carefully. There are a variety of apps that you can install on your phone to help you manage your time and keep track of your work. Complete Class Organizer and iHomework are two of the best apps to try.
- Attend the entire class at school and take complete material notes.
- Ask questions when you are confused or do not understand the material being taught.
Step 7. Deal with your depression.
Depression – i.e. feelings of sadness and loss of energy – is a very common side effect of children being treated unfairly by their parents. A common way of treatment is to combine antidepressant drugs with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
- CBT is a therapy method that can help you deal with negative thoughts head-on, as well as find the right treatment method for dealing with depression.
- CBT helps you focus on your current feelings and experiences to develop healthy self-defense mechanisms so that the thought patterns that cause depression can be changed to positive ones.
- If you experience symptoms of depression, consult a therapist for help and cure.
Method 3 of 3: Understanding Why Parents Prefer One of Their Children
Step 1. Find out if your parents treat you differently for identity reasons
Parents often favor a child for a simple reason. Stepparents may show greater affection for their biological child because they feel closer to the child. Other reasons may be:
- Age. Firstborns are often given special treatment. Middle children are often neglected, while younger children are usually pampered than teenagers because they have more needs and greater attention.
- Gender. Hard parents feel closer to children of the same sex as them. For example, mothers are usually closer to daughters than sons and thus treat daughters better. In addition, in a patriarchal society, boys are usually treated better than girls.
Step 2. Look for signs of a personality disorder
If parents treat their children differently, they may have a personality disorder. This can include a wide variety of disorders (including histrionic personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder) that make them feel inadequate and lead to impaired thinking. Instead of making rational decisions – for example loving every child fairly – they seek justification for unfair treatment and assume that there are children who do not deserve love (for some reason).
Step 3. Consider your parents' mood
When parents are stressed, they tend to be unfair to their children. Stress can stem from relationship or financial problems. If you notice that parents are in trouble and are treating their children unfairly, think of it as an effect of stress.
Step 4. Don't assume that you deserve to be treated unfairly
If your parents continue to give your sibling preferential treatment (or if they treat you badly), don't assume that you deserve it. No matter why they treat you the way they do, you still deserve love, respect, and fair treatment, just like your brother or sister.
- In the end, your parents' reasons don't matter. The problem is in their wrong behavior.
- Don't obsess over figuring out how to "fix" yourself or please your parents. In most cases, this is not possible.
Step 5. Try to see things from the parent's point of view
How do parents explain the difference in treatment? Even if you don't agree with the reasons, looking at them from their point of view can be very helpful.
Step 6. Watch for signs of violence
If your parents treat you differently or cruelly, you may be a victim of violence. There are different kinds of violence, some of which are:
- Emotional abuse, such as yelling at, humiliating, insulting, or ignoring you.
- Neglect, such as not giving food or not seeking help when you are sick or injured.
- Physical abuse, such as hitting, taking hostage, or doing anything else that hurts you.
- Sexual violence, such as touching intimate areas, forcing sexual intercourse, or verbally harassing you.
