Revealing your homosexuality to your mother can be stressful, as well as nervous about her reaction. Make a thorough plan before starting a conversation and plan what you want to convey. Give your mother time to process her emotions and ask questions. This is difficult, but opening up to him can help you understand each other better. Even if he doesn't understand it right away, still be proud of yourself for doing something brave and honest about who you really are.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Making a Plan
Step 1. Choose a quiet and quiet place
Choose a place where you won't be interrupted or worried about your surroundings. Instead of going to a coffee shop or restaurant, using the living room or a chair at the dining table may be more suitable for starting a conversation.
- You can also take your mother for a walk. Go to a quiet and peaceful place, not to a noisy place or a busy street.
- If you want to talk to your mom at home, but there are relatives or people you don't want to involve, try to time the conversation when no one else is home. You can also tell your mother that you want to talk one-on-one so that she can arrange a time to talk alone.
Step 2. Write down what you want to say so you don't forget
If you're nervous, write a letter to your mother – when it's time to talk, you can follow the flow of the letter. You can also write down a list of points you want to say. As you speak, you may feel so nervous that you run the risk of forgetting important points.
- For example, you may need to reveal exactly when you realized you were a homosexual, how you have felt since then, and why you decided to be honest with your mother.
- If you live in a home that doesn't support the sexual orientation of a homosexual, you may want to let them know that this is innate and is part of who you really are, not a life choice.
- End the letter with your hopes for a future relationship. For example, you may hope that your relationship will remain good and that your mother will accept you completely. Maybe you're hoping that your mom can help tell your dad about who you are. This depends on your relationship with your own mother. So, take some time to think about it.
Step 3. Prioritize your safety if you are worried about your own mother
If you're afraid he'll be rude when you tell him you're gay, you should have a contingency plan. In this situation, it's best to talk to him in a public place, or ask someone to accompany you for emotional support.
At least make an escape plan. So when your mother acts or says rude things, you have nowhere to run
Warning:
If you think you might be physically hurt or kicked out of your home, it's a good idea to hide your sexual orientation first. Sometimes, you have to wait until you can earn money and live on your own before being honest with your mother. Talk to a professional about conditions at home if you are concerned about this.
Step 4. Talk to someone who is supportive or a mental health professional beforehand
If there are acquaintances with the same sexual orientation, ask for support from them. Revealing one's identity can sometimes be daunting, even to the mother herself. Talk to him about your fears, seek advice, and be honest if you are worried.
If your mother is the first to know about this, the method above probably won't work. However, you can still talk to a previous counselor or therapist for support
Step 5. Tell mom that you have something important to say
Instead of bringing up an important topic like this out of the blue, you can let him know that you want to talk to him. Say it earlier in the day before talking to your mother, or a few days earlier. Remember that your mother may not want to wait long after you convey this wish.
- Say something like, “Mom, I want to talk to you about something. Can we talk one-on-one this afternoon?”
- You could also say, "There's something I want to tell mom, but I want it to be our secret. May I have a moment to talk?”
- If he asks what the topic of conversation is, say, "This is about me, but I just wanted to tell it one-on-one."
Method 2 of 3: Having a Conversation
Step 1. Tell an honest story about your journey to self-discovery
If you take notes or write letters, take them with you. Do your best to focus on your personal feelings and experiences. If your mother tries to interrupt, say gently, "I know you're confused and have a lot of questions, but I have to be honest about this."
It's normal to feel emotional, talk nonsense, or forget to say something. Even if the way you say something isn't perfect, you should still be proud of having the courage to speak your heart out honestly
Step 2. Ask mom if she has any questions, and say that you're happy to talk to her
After telling you that you're gay, say something like, “I know it's taking time for you to understand this. I've thought it through. Do you want to ask something? I'll try to answer that. If your mother seems angry, sad, or confused, stay seated with her even if it feels awkward.
- In the best case scenario, your mother will be supportive and still love you. Even if this happened, he might have some questions! Be sure to give him time to ask questions.
- If your mother says she needs time to process your confession, say, “I understand. When you're ready, please tell me what you think."
Tips:
If your mom says something that indicates you've changed, say, "I'm still the same person I used to be, you just know me better today than I did yesterday."
Step 3. Respond to any comments and questions calmly and confidently
This may be difficult to do, but try not to get defensive, angry, or rude. Some things that seem obvious to you may not be obvious to your mother. For example, if your mother said, "Is this your fault?" You may want to shout that homosexuality is not a bad thing. If you can, answer these questions calmly, such as “Mom has been a great parent and my sexual orientation is part of who I am. It has nothing to do with anything you have or have never done."
You may feel like swapping roles with mom. This is a natural phenomenon when a child reveals his identity in front of his parents
Step 4. Limit who can learn this from your mother
When and how you disclose your sexual orientation is your own decision. So, be sure to ask mom to keep this conversation a secret until you're ready to make it public. If you're not ready to tell your grandparents, cousins, or anyone else, ask your mother to keep it a secret.
- Say something like, “I haven't told anyone about this. This is something I have to take care of myself. Please keep this conversation a secret until I'm ready."
- If you need help revealing that you are gay, say something like “I haven't told dad about this and I'm really nervous. How do you tell him?”
Step 5. Be proud of yourself for having the courage to talk about such an important issue with your mom
Regardless of the response, starting this conversation is difficult and requires great courage. This is a big step towards your life journey and the recognition of your sexual identity.
If the conversation doesn't go smoothly, it's natural to feel sad. Discuss this with a trusted person and remember that it often takes parents (weeks or even months) to digest new information like this
Method 3 of 3: Following Up on Self-Confession
Step 1. Continue open communication
About a week after confessing to your mother, ask if she has any questions or thoughts to share. Show that you are still part of the family and want to stay in touch.
- For example, say something like “It's been a week since we talked and I think you have more questions for me. Is there anything you want to say?"
- If you don't understand your mother's feelings, say something like “I know we haven't spoken much since yesterday's conversation. I want to know what's on mother's mind."
Step 2. Give your mother time to process the information
Remind yourself that you too need a long time to think about and process it. For your mother, this is something completely new. You can even tell him this if it helps. It may take your mother a few weeks or months before she can adjust to reality.
Even mothers who responded negatively to this news at first were able to accept it. While waiting, seek support from friends and people who support you
Step 3. Understand that this is usually hard for moms to accept, so you have to show empathy
Your mother may have had strong emotional experiences, even when she was willing to support your decision. Instead of expecting her to adjust quickly, give her the space she needs to reflect and explore her own feelings.
Your mother may feel guilty that she didn't realize you were gay or that you didn't want to be open with her
Step 4. Give your mother some LGBTQIA+ materials so she can educate herself
It can be helpful for your mother to read the stories of other families with similar experiences. PFLAG is a good resource for educating families about the LGBTQIA+ community. You can also introduce your mother to a homosexual friend who has discussed this with her family. This will allow your mother to freely discuss with your friends.
If your mother is interested, invite her to the gay parade to keep her involved in your life. He might be your best advocate
Tips
- If you are nervous about what to say, practice in front of a mirror first.
- If your mother isn't responding positively, you may need the help of a therapist to deal with feelings of confusion and rejection. Later, you can ask your mother to visit a therapist together if you think that might help.
