Until now, unfortunately, there are still quite a lot of parents who consider spanking or other physical violence as an effective form of punishment. In fact, the act of beating from parents, whatever the reason, can accumulate a sense of stress in children, especially those who have grown up. If your parents did it too and you start to feel the negative impact, try communicating the complaint to your parents. State the reasons behind your objections, then try to offer other punishment options that are more effective for you. At the same time, avoid problems by properly completing all your responsibilities, such as those related to homework and schoolwork. In addition, also train your ability to control and manage emotions!
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Part 1 of 3: Communicating Your Objections
Step 1. Understand the final result you want to get
Before inviting your parents to chat, first understand the end result you want to achieve. For example, think about the various solutions you might want to offer your parents, or the various compromises you could make. Also identify how you feel about the conversation.
- Get to know your feelings. Most likely, you feel nervous when you have to communicate your objection to the punishment given by your parents. In particular, you worry that your parents will feel harassed or unappreciated when they hear your opinion. Trust me, it's perfectly normal to feel nervous in this kind of situation. Most importantly, don't let those feelings get in the way of your desire to have the conversation.
- Think about the goals you want to achieve from the conversation. For example, you want your parents to understand your feelings and the reasons behind them. So that this goal can be more easily achieved, try to write down your thoughts from a long time ago. If you want, also write down some solutions that you think are relevant and possible to be realized. For example, you and your parents can agree on another form of punishment to replace spanking.
Step 2. Choose the right time and location
In particular, make sure you and your parents are chatting when the whole party is completely calm and able to think clearly.
- Choose a time when your parents are not busy. If possible, talk to your parents when they're not at work or have other important responsibilities. If your parents are always home on Tuesday nights, for example, there's nothing wrong with initiating a chat at that time.
- Eliminate all forms of distraction. Don't talk to your parents while the television is on, or when one party is still playing on the phone. Show that you want to take them seriously and ask them to first distance themselves from anything that could potentially be a nuisance.
Step 3. Express your feelings honestly and straightforwardly
Always use "I" speech, which puts the focus of the sentence on how you feel, rather than on their behavior. An example of a sentence with "I": "When you hit me, I feel _." Express your feelings honestly and straightforwardly, without implying that your father and/or mother are bad parents. Then, ask their willingness to discuss changes to your methods or ways of disciplining.
- "When I was hit, I honestly felt ashamed and unloved. I felt like I wanted to crawl into the hole and not come out again, because I feel that you don't love me anymore. Can we, together, look for a new form of punishment. and fairer to me?"
- "Father/Mom's beating scared me. I was afraid of Mum/Dad, and didn't want to tell me anything about the things that happened in my life because I was afraid of being hit again. I feel like that kind of punishment is ruining our relationship."
- "Mom and dad probably already know that I have an anxiety problem. Sometimes, I'm really scared of being hit until it's hard to breathe and it's hard to focus while doing my homework. Can you change the form of punishment that Mom and Dad use?"
Step 4. Open up to your parents' point of view
In a communication process, you must also be able to be a good listener, not just a speaker. In other words, try not to make your parents feel attacked or judged. Understand your parents' feelings and listen to their words. Do it so they feel heard too.
- Your parents must have good reasons for disciplining you that way. For example, perhaps this method was also used by their parents in the past and it turned out to be effective for them. In addition, they may find it an effective way to improve your behavior and make you understand the concept of consequences as a child.
- Try to show your maturity. Trust me, it will be easier for your parents to open up to your objections if you are willing to listen to their perspective. For example, you could say, “I appreciate the hard work of Mom and Dad in educating me so that I can grow up with the right values in life. I also understand why Mom and Dad consider spanking the right way to grow up for me." If your parents feel heard throughout the discussion process, surely alternative solutions that benefit both parties will be easier to come up with.
Step 5. Offer different forms of punishment
In fact, there are many ways that do not involve violence, and can be used by parents to discipline their children. Remember, your parents really just want to see you grow up the right way, and they think spanking can help you understand the concept of consequences, as well as train you to be a better person in the future. Armed with this understanding, try to offer other forms of punishment that are no less effective in achieving that goal, but which do not involve violence of any kind.
- Verbal warning can provide an opportunity for you to evaluate errors. Therefore, try asking your parents for verbal warnings beforehand so you have a chance to identify the wrong behavior and change it.
- Natural consequences are consequences that naturally follow your mistakes. For example, if you make a mess of the house, the natural consequence is cleaning the house. If you hurt another person's feelings, whether intentional or not, the natural consequence is to apologize and make things right. If you break something, the natural consequence is paying some money to repair or replace the damaged item.
- Don't leave the house for a week, over a week, or on a weekend can be an effective punishment for many youths.
- Unable to access digital technology (smartphones, tablets, laptops for non-academic purposes) for a day, week, or weekend is also an effective form of punishment for many people.
Step 6. Try to deal with the answers your parents give you in an adult way
Chances are, your parents have a different perspective than you about the beating. Unfortunately, most conventional parents still believe that spanking is the right method to teach the concept of consequences to children, and prevent children from making the same mistakes again in the future.
- Chances are, even your parents won't want to completely abolish this form of punishment they believe in. However, if you are able to act mature throughout the conversation and express your views politely, they may be willing to "remove" spanking off the main punishment list.
- If your parents are rigid, they will likely not want to change that behavior. For now, try to accept their decision. In the next few months, you can always bring up the issue again, really. It's possible that your parents' attitude changed at that time, didn't it?
- If your parents are always yelling at you, hitting you, or doing something bad to you, feel free to end the conversation with them. After that, try to share the treatment you received with another trusted adult.
Step 7. Don't complain or argue with your parents
If your parents still want to keep spanking as an effective form of punishment, don't complain or whine. In fact, if you can handle the situation as an adult, the chances of your parents taking your objections seriously will be even greater, you know. Therefore, throughout the conversation, try to maintain a calm and controlled tone of voice.
- If they don't want to listen to your argument, don't fight back because it won't change anything anyway. Instead, end the conversation and go somewhere to be alone and control your feelings.
- In fact, it will be easier for your parents to listen if you are able to present your argument calmly. This means, if what they say makes you feel frustrated, try to contain your anger. When you are no longer in front of your parents, feel free to vent your frustration by hitting a pillow or taking a walk around the complex.
Part 2 of 3: Respecting the Rules and Behaving Respectfully
Step 1. Improve your ability to manage daily responsibilities
One way to avoid punishment is to live up to your parents' expectations. Therefore, learn to better manage your life, so that you will no longer forget the deadlines for submitting academic assignments or neglecting the need to clean the house.
- On a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, try to make a list of the various academic needs you will need the following week. For example, if you are given an assignment to write a book review and the deadline for submission is approaching, write that you will need a book to review, a notebook to record the results of the review, a pen, and a pencil. Apart from that, you also need to prepare various things to complete the final review draft, such as a review cover.
- Tidy up your room. Provide different places to put toys, DVDs, electronic equipment, etc. If you have one, use cardboard or used containers to group the items you think are important.
- If you want, ask your parents to buy a calendar that can be placed in your room. Later, you can mark important academic dates on the calendar, such as exam dates and assignment collection dates.
Step 2. Focus on your daily responsibilities
Make sure you complete the things that must be done every day, especially those related to homework. If you could do that, your parents wouldn't have any reason to punish you, would they?
- Make a list of homework that you have to complete each day. For example, you may be required to clean the house on Saturday, or wash the dishes after dinner on Friday. Whatever tasks your parents give you, try to meet them by the deadline.
- Set your priorities. For example, commit to always doing academic assignments after school so you don't have to stay up late at night. Periodically, also take a few minutes to rest throughout the day so that your body and mind are not exhausted. For example, after working on a math assignment for an hour, allow your body and mind to rest for 15 minutes by listening to music.
Step 3. Make a schedule to properly complete all your responsibilities
If you have a big enough responsibility that you need to complete immediately, such as tidying up your room, immediately plan a schedule to do it. Supposedly, if your parents realize that you are able to take the initiative to complete all the responsibilities they give, the frequency and intensity of the punishment they give will decrease.
- Divide great responsibilities into sections. For example, if you have to tidy up your room, try dividing your room into four sections. After that, focus on tidying up one part to the maximum before taking a break and moving on to other parts.
- Making a schedule will help you to identify any responsibilities that need to be completed, and of course complete them within the deadline. As a result, the conflict between you and your parents will subside, so the frequency of punishment in the form of beatings will decrease.
Step 4. Discuss your problem with the school counselor
If you're an emotional person, it's likely that this tendency led your parents to beat you up. For example, during this time maybe you always yell or act aggressively to your parents when you are upset, or fight too often with your siblings. If the root of the problem is your difficulty controlling your emotions, try consulting a school counselor and working with them to deal with your emotions in a healthier way. If your emotional control improves, chances are your parents will beat you less often. Some strategies your school counselor might recommend:
- Exercise more often. Whenever stress or anger starts to overwhelm you, get out of the house for a jog or run instead of taking it out on the rest of the house.
- Write down feelings. When the anger starts to appear, immediately grab a paper and a pen, then vent your anger on paper instead of the occupants of your house.
- Take a break. If tension starts to build up during an argument with your parents or sibling, try taking a break to get out of the situation and calm down. For example, go to your room and read a book you like. Believe me, problems that arise can be easier to overcome if your mind is clear.
Part 3 of 3: Recognizing Symptoms of Child Abuse
Step 1. Recognize the symptoms of physical abuse
In fact, hitting a child, even though the purpose is to punish, is a form of physical violence. Remember, your parents have no right to tear your skin, bruise you, or leave scars that may last forever. You also don't deserve to live in fear because you've always been hit after making a mistake, even a very small one. To improve the situation, learn to recognize the symptoms of physical violence, especially those that occur in married life. Some forms of violence against children that you should be aware of:
- Physical abuse is any form of violence that physically injures the victim, such as hitting, kicking, pushing, or strangling. Physical abuse may or may not leave a mark. Hitting a child's ass as a form of punishment ((which in English is known as "spanking") is a gray area, but can be categorized as physical violence if the act causes injury or marks on your body.
- Verbal abuse are all forms of verbal violence, such as mocking, demeaning, threatening, shouting, and other behaviors that make the victim feel ashamed, inferior, or afraid.
- Abandonment, as the name implies, occurs when the perpetrator intentionally neglects his responsibility to meet the basic needs of the victim. For example, parents have the responsibility to feed, clothe, and protect their children. In addition, they also have to provide shelter, access to health, access to hygiene, and access to various other basic needs of their children.
- Sexual violence is any form of violence that involves inappropriate sexual behavior (eg, unrelated to medical reasons). For example, perpetrators may show pornographic images to their victims, take photos or videos of victims naked without being censored, or make harassing comments about their victims.
- Exile occurs when the perpetrator intentionally alienates or distances the victim from the world around him. For example, the victim is prohibited from spending time with friends or accessing the internet freely. In addition, victims are also punished for too long a duration or even banned from attending school for an indefinite period of time.
- Parents who are abusers may also exploit, threaten, manipulate, humiliate, or ruin their children's lives. In addition, they may block their children's access to privacy.
Step 2. Talk to a trusted adult
If you feel you are being abused by your parents, try sharing the problem with another trusted adult. Ideally, an adult can help you find the help you need to deal with the situation.
- The figure you choose really depends on your life situation. For example, you can choose to tell a story to a relative who is closely related to you, such as your uncle or aunt. If you don't have close relatives, you can also talk to your teacher, school counselor, your friend's parents, or someone important in your religious institution.
- Tell him that you need to tell him something private. After that, explain the problem that occurred and the emotions you experienced because of it. Instead, an older person can help assess your situation and/or offer the help you need.
- Some adults are bad listeners. If they seem indifferent or indifferent, it doesn't mean your problem is considered unreal or trivial. It's possible that their listening skills are just bad and therefore, you should look for other, better listeners.
Step 3. Call the emergency services available in your area of residence
Feel like you don't have a mature and trustworthy person to save you from unwanted situations? If your parents are the only adult figures in your life, try calling the emergency hotline service provided by the Ministry of Women's Empowerment and Child Protection on number 129. Later, the officer who receives your call can help analyze the situation you are facing, and provide the necessary assistance. needed.
