It is normal to feel scared before marriage because marriage is an important decision that will greatly affect the rest of one's life. You need to think about this decision carefully so that you can be sure that the time, the person, and the place are right. You can also rationalize this marriage so you don't feel so scared. If you're having a hard time figuring out where your fears are coming from, there are a number of tactics you can use to deal with those fears.
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Part 1 of 4: Thinking About the Reasons for Your Fear
Step 1. Review all of your failed relationships
Where lies the failure of these relationships? Remember well whether you ever did something that hurt your partner at that time, or vice versa. Maybe you don't want to sacrifice too much. In your current relationship, make some changes for a more loving relationship, but also take into account the things you need to sacrifice.
- For example, if you've ever lost a partner because you didn't feel affectionate, cut back on your time at work and spend more time with your partner.
- Or, consider the fact that your current partner hasn't done anything that led you to end a relationship in the past.
Step 2. Consider whether your partner is really your soul mate
You can determine this based on your level of respect for that person. Think seriously about how far your respect for that person will last when many aspects of your life change. You can also determine this based on your partner's hopes and ideals.
- What can cause you to lose respect for your partner? For example, drinking habits, financial management, or behavior towards friends? Do you have problems with your partner in these areas?
- Think about your relationship history with the couple. How does your partner deal with conflict or other issues? What clues can you take from your partner regarding the respect, adjustment, and sacrifices you need to make in the past, present, and future?
Step 3. Consider your long-term commitments
Are you on a career path that will develop in the next few years or decades? Are you on a car loan that needs to be repaid in a few years? Do you own a house, or rent an apartment per month, or rent a house for several years? Generally, one of the reasons people fear marriage is that they are afraid to add to the long-term commitments they have to deal with. If you want to get married, you will need to add another long-term commitment, such as the one listed above. This will get you in the habit of committing to something long term.
Step 4. Pay attention to your current level of commitment
There are two types of commitment: dedication and limitation. If you are committed based on personal dedication, you will be able to imagine your old age with your partner, working with your partner (like a team), and you will not be able to see your future with anyone else. If you commit based on self-limitation, you will feel forced into the relationship due to internal and external pressures (such as children, shared ownership of things, family, need). You really want to leave the relationship, but it feels too difficult or "too far," that you feel like you can't start over.
- Note: all relationships will eventually lead to self-limiting. Think about whether this self-limitation outweighs your personal dedication to the relationship.
- If you feel that your limitations are getting tighter, but your personal dedication is weakening, consider other ways to reduce this feeling of limitation and increase your personal dedication.
Step 5. Learn to commit better
Even if you feel fully committed to the relationship, you may still be thinking about how to keep that dedication or worry that this commitment will slip over time. Or, maybe you just feel that this commitment has started to loose. There are several things you can do to increase your commitment to your partner:
- Invest in your partner. Remember that hard times are only temporary. Spend this time with your partner, and you two will become a much closer couple. In the future, the good times will return.
- Avoid counting your sacrifices. You may feel that you are doing more to maintain a relationship. This is because you don't know what your partner does on a daily basis; You only know what you've done. Instead of counting these sacrifices to determine who loves you more, focus on the good things your partner does. Focus your thoughts on things that can make your partner feel happy.
- Don't keep things from your partner because you're afraid it will end badly. If you do, your relationship will be disrupted. Just imagine that your relationship will still go well. Be open and honest with your partner, then work on a stronger relationship.
Step 6. Think about your other fears
Maybe your real phobia is more specific than any of these. You may even be afraid to talk to your partner. However, you still need to communicate with your partner.
- If you're afraid of losing your individuality or changing some aspect of your life, remind yourself that people are constantly changing. The earth won't stop spinning just because you refuse to get married. You also won't lose your whole being after you get married.
- If you fear that you will eventually get a divorce, think about the stigma associated with divorce. Are the stamps important? Even if the answer is "yes", remember that your future is not determined by marriage or divorce statistics. You can survive a marriage if you work on it to keep it alive.
Part 2 of 4: Overcoming the Fear of Commitment
Step 1. Find out where your fear of commitment comes from
The phobia of commitment is not the same phobia of snakes or clowns. This phobia is generally a fear based on a lack of trust, which may be present as a result of a betrayal in the past.
- If you've ever been betrayed by someone you loved or trusted, you may not be fully healed.
- This betrayal can take any form: violence, infidelity, or any other use of your trust, which may be traumatic.
- In addition, you may also be afraid of feeling responsible for your partner, afraid of losing your individual independence, or fear of losing your partner. All of these have to do with feeling distrustful of others.
Step 2. Consider the advantages of hiding yourself from your partner
You may feel that you are protecting yourself by not being open with your partner. However, consider your reasons, and whether they are more important than the opportunity to have a rich and fulfilling relationship with someone who loves you.
Step 3. Learn how to build trust with your partner
Make sure you and your partner know each other well, both good and bad qualities. In relationships, people often try to ignore negative qualities in their partners, such as anger, jealousy, selfishness, or feeling the need to be free or powerful. However, these are the traits that make you and your partner who they are, and they may emerge from time to time. Learn, discuss, and be open to the "dark" side of yourself and your partner consciously.
- Once you recognize these qualities, you and your partner will build a trust that is not based on not wanting to hurt each other, but on a clear understanding of each other's traits.
- Instead of making a promise that you won't show that "dark" trait, promise that you'll always be aware of and express your feelings when you're feeling sad or hurt. Make a commitment to solving the problem, and use that commitment to strengthen your relationship.
Step 4. Talk to a psychologist about your fears
If your inability to build trust stems from a trauma, you may need the help of a therapist to work it out. Visit a counselor, group therapy, or program designed to solve your problem.
Part 3 of 4: Reducing Anxiety About the Future
Step 1. Practice relaxation techniques
If your fear of marriage is causing you stress, find ways to calm yourself down. This may help you feel calmer. When you are worried about marriage, try some methods to deal with anxiety that may be present in other parts of your life.
- Try yoga or meditation. The exercises are designed to stop anxiety.
- Cut down on coffee and alcohol. Both substances can affect feelings and chemical balance in your brain. If you are feeling nervous about your marriage, reduce your coffee and alcohol consumption.
- Get enough sleep and exercise. Both of these are important for your mental and physical health, and will reduce feelings of anxiety.
Step 2. Record your thoughts
By writing down your worries on a piece of paper, you will be able to pinpoint exactly what feelings are scary about marriage. In addition, these notes are also therapeutic. As you write about your fear, think about possible solutions. Write down why you want to get married and how your partner can help you achieve your goals.
Step 3. Remind yourself of your partner's personality
List its stable and unchanging properties. Write down the struggles and conflicts you have faced in the past and their resolutions. Don't let your fear or anxiety make you forget how great your partner is and why you always wanted to be with him.
Part 4 of 4: Continuing the Relationship
Step 1. Share your fears with your partner
This is a good opportunity to do the communication exercises that are essential for a healthy and long-lasting relationship. For many people, certain life goals are achieved through marriage. Although everyone will change their mind about various things over time, but everyone has different opinions and expectations. Talk about kids, careers, money, and things that make you lose respect. All scary things will be less scary when said out loud. Take it out.
Step 2. Realize that life is not perfect
You, your partner, and everyone else on this Earth, no one is perfect. Whether you're married or not, there will always be tough times that you need to face. You are bound to have unhappy and difficult times. Think about whether you would find it easier to cope with those times with a life partner.
Build a marriage that helps you deal with multiple sources of stress and anxiety. By doing so, you also build a mechanism against these things in your marriage
Step 3. Talk to your partner about sex
In the western world, successful marriages generally depend on monogamy. Before getting married, make sure that both of you will be faithful to each other. These conversations are uncomfortable, but important, and may bring each other closer.
Step 4. Imagine yourself in 10-20 years
Your plans will change, but in general, do you imagine yourself married? Although the ideal schedule for everyone is different and will change over time, if you know what you want, you will feel more positive about planning for your future. Of course it's okay if you don't want your life to change drastically, but make sure that your partner has the same goals and aspirations.
Step 5. Try cohabitation
Not all cultures allow this, but it has been proven to determine whether a person can live well with their partner. View cohabitation as a way to find out about a couple's life habits before marriage. Of course you have to hope that this will be successful. Your partner will display some oddities that you will see for the first time, but so will you.
Step 6. Talk to your parents
If your parents are still married, they will definitely tell you that they weren't always sure about their own marriage. They also definitely have tips for overcoming marriage fears that they know after a long time of marriage. You will also get real-life examples of people who were successful in marriage.
Step 7. Do premarital counseling
While it's certainly uncomfortable to call a therapist before things go wrong, you may be able to resolve your anxiety about marriage. A therapist can also help you identify red flags for possible conflicts in the future.
