Every relationship has its difficulties. Sometimes, the problem is related to your old relationship or your lover. If you're constantly thinking about your old relationship, try to work on your concerns so you can both get back on track. This problem is a serious problem that must be addressed immediately if you do not want to hurt or even lose a coveted figure.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Focusing on the Present and Future
Step 1. Enjoy what you have in the moment
Remind yourself that the old relationship is gone and it's not working. Try to focus on the present. Use mindfulness techniques to train your brain to stay “in the” moment. In addition, it's a good idea to refocus yourself when your mind begins to wander into the past.
- Try activities that use the senses. Name the things you are currently seeing, feeling, hearing, tasting, or smelling.
- Repeat affirmations so you can focus on the present. Try saying, “I'm happy with my current relationship. I will not listen to my jealousy.”
- Show appreciation consciously. Think of 5 positive things about your relationship that don't usually get noticed or appreciated.
Step 2. Reframe your view of the present
This step is one way that can be followed to change your views and thoughts about everything. These days, you may be fixated on your lover's past, but remember that you are the center of his attention right now. Realizing that you (or the two of you together) is something he didn't get in the previous relationship. His decision to be in a relationship with you shows that you are his choice, and not his ex. Therefore, you should also be able to choose it.
Ask him the things he values or values in the relationship. See if he often talks about his future with you. If so, you can be sure he's already planning his future with you
Step 3. Train yourself to think about “substitute” things
Every time you start thinking about your old relationship or your ex, try replacing those thoughts with something more positive. There's a lot you love about him and the relationship he's in. Liked it or not, his past is a part of him. Realize that whatever happened in the past has shaped him into who he is today. Accept him and his past as a “package,” and train yourself to replace negative thoughts so you can stop thinking about the old relationship.
Think about the positive images you have of them, memories of something you've been through together, or feelings you have about your current relationship
Step 4. Focus on painting new memories
Put your energy into making new memories with him. While trying to forget your past and his, build a future together by doing activities, taking photos, and creating new memories. That way, you can focus more on what's in the present and the future together than on the past.
- Try planning a vacation together.
- Take a day trip to the places you both wanted to go in the first place.
- Pretend to be a tourist in your own city.
- Learn new things together.
Method 2 of 3: Evaluating Your Own Thoughts and Feelings
Step 1. Find out when and why the thoughts about your ex are coming up
Ask what made you think about his old relationship. Determine whether the thought is due to his behavior or your own. Does he often bring up his ex in chats, or maybe you're the one creating trouble by comparing yourself to his ex in your mind?
To determine the cause, try to write a list of the things you are thinking about. Next to each entry, note what happened before the thought occurred, what you did until it occurred to you, and what you could actually have done to prevent it
Step 2. Identify the theme in mind or chat
When you talk about an old relationship or are overwhelmed with thoughts about it in the past, try to find out if there are any patterns or themes that you can identify. By recognizing the theme or pattern, you can determine why it's bothering you, or why it's always being discussed in the chat. When the old relationship is discussed, what are the topics that are often discussed?
- Does the chat about his old relationship focus on his sexual experiences with his ex? There may be something in the relationship between the two of you that you or he would like to change.
- Does the conversation focus more on how he feels (both past and present) about his ex? Maybe you feel worried or insecure about the relationship, or he doesn't feel connected to you and yearns for intimacy.
- Is the conversation stuck to his family's feelings about his old relationship? Maybe you're not comfortable with his family yet, or he's anxious or hesitant about introducing you to his family.
Step 3. Determine how you feel
When you think about your old relationship, how do you feel? The emotions you experience can guide you to the real problem. Here are some examples of how to recognize what you're feeling for a deeper understanding of the problem.
- Do you often compare yourself to your ex? Maybe you feel inferior. Think about your self-worth and find out if you need a confidence boost.
- Are you afraid that he will “go back” to his ex? Maybe you are feeling anxious. Think about the trust that has been built between the two of you and determine if there are any issues that need to be addressed.
- Do you get upset or angry when you hear about their relationship or the things they have been through together? Maybe you feel jealous. Consider the security you feel in the relationship and talk about any concerns or fears you feel.
Step 4. Evaluate the impact of your relationship
Try to evaluate the impact these thoughts or chats have on the relationship. The thought may seem overwhelming to the point where you need to find a way to solve the problem. It's possible that even though you haven't discussed it, he knows that something is bothering you. Therefore, think about the impact your actions have on your own feelings and feelings.
- Do your thoughts make him feel guilty? Remember that the past is the past and he can do nothing to change what happened. So do you.
- Did the thought spark a fight or animosity between the two of you? Anger and resentment can arise from these thoughts and the complications they cause in the relationship.
- Are you both happy with your current relationship? What is your contribution to helping each other?
Method 3 of 3: Troubleshooting
Step 1. Realize that you are not alone
Problems like this are quite common in relationships and trigger anxiety. The same may also be a complaint or problem for your lover. Even though your relationship is going well so far, such problems can occur. Realize that talking about it openly (even if it's difficult) has a better impact on the relationship than hiding it.
Step 2. Share your feelings about the situation
Try not to suppress how you feel. If your feelings or thoughts often distract or trigger problems, you can't simply ignore them or forget them. It's important for you to be open and honest, and to deal with how you feel in the relationship. You should be able to feel comfortable and confident with your lover.
If you suppress or ignore the emotions you feel, you run the risk of experiencing them again in the future. When you shut yourself off and try to work things out on your own, you're "taking him away" from the relationship and can actually trigger more problems
Step 3. Discuss the problem by talking about it openly
Once you've determined your self-inflicted patterns, focus, and behavior, you may want to discuss it with your partner. By discussing the problem, you have the opportunity to tell him what you have been thinking and feeling. Try to be open-minded and think about his opinion on the problem at hand.
- Say how you feel and what's bothering you. For example, you could say, “Hey! I've been thinking about something lately and it's been bothering me. Can we talk about it?”
- Tell us anything in your relationship history that might have influenced your reaction to this issue. “This bothers me because I used to…”
- Find out what he thinks. You can say, "So, what do you think?"
- Ask him for help. You can say, “I think I need more love and support to get through this moment. I would love it if you could…”
Step 4. Find a solution
If you're aware that the negative thoughts that are haunting you are due to the fact that he often brings up the topic of his ex, this is a good time to talk. Tell him how you feel when he talks about his ex and give him a chance to explain. Let the conversation take you slowly, step by step, and work to come to an agreement about things you both need to change, or things you can do to feel more relaxed.
- Open up the topic by saying, “I have something on my mind and I would feel more at ease if we could discuss it so I can understand it better.”
- Show that you understand what he's saying by repeating what he's saying and saying, “Okay. I understand."
- Defend yourself and your own feelings. You could say, for example, "When you talk about your ex or past relationship, I feel…"
- Find a compromise together. You can say, "So, what can we do to solve this problem?"
