The story of the theme of "love at first sight" is enough to dominate the film in theaters and various media. In reality, establishing a lasting and meaningful relationship takes a lot of effort because it can't just be by seeing each other. Healthy and long-lasting relationships can be established if each partner is able to communicate with honesty and openness, is willing to compromise, and both want to continue to develop themselves. If you've had problems with your ex-boyfriend, take the time to evaluate your perspective on the relationship and take the appropriate steps to change it.
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Method 1 of 3: Communicating Effectively
Step 1. Communicate with honesty and openness
A great way to better understand your lover is to chat face-to-face. You can't pick up on voice intonation or sarcasm through written messages. Plus, you won't be able to see his body language if you're chatting on the phone. Set aside time to communicate openly and honestly about anything, such as discussing today's experiences or discussing more personal and meaningful topics, such as things that make you both happy.
- For example, start the conversation by saying, "If you have time, I'd like to talk about our relationship."
- If you are willing to share your fragile side, he will do the same. This step will bring you two closer together. For example, share a childhood experience, a favorite family tradition, what you fear the most, or a life goal you want to achieve.
Step 2. Learn to listen actively
This ability makes your lover appreciate you more so that the conversation feels more intimate and enjoyable. For that, focus on what he is saying without interrupting. Don't judge or criticize her even if she tells an embarrassing issue as this will discourage her from talking about it again. Paraphrase his statement and ask questions to clarify what he is saying. If he asks for an opinion, provide the opinion that is useful and he needs the most.
- For example, after he finishes his story, paraphrase his statement by saying, "Hearing your story, your friend doesn't seem wise enough."
- Sometimes the interlocutor just wants to talk and doesn't need advice or judgment. Before responding to help, make sure that he asks you for your opinion.
Step 3. Pay attention to nonverbal communication when interacting
Talking to other people isn't the only way to communicate when in a relationship. Verbal communication also plays a very important role. You can understand how the other person is feeling by paying attention to their body language. If he crosses his arms, he may feel attacked, withdrawn, disinterested in the topic being discussed, or has difficulty understanding the subject of the conversation.
- You can tell if he's uncomfortable or angry by reading his body language.
- If he doesn't want to talk in negative body language, ask him if he's upset or having a problem.
- Make sure you don't give negative signals through body language.
Step 4. Don't discuss personal issues when you're angry
When fighting, some people get used to bringing up negative things from the past or intentionally hurting other people's feelings. When communicating with your lover, do not stray from the topic at hand, question what he has done, or intentionally hurt his feelings because apart from causing trouble in the relationship, this is emotionally abusive.
Resolve escalating conflicts before they escalate or move on to irrelevant issues
Step 5. Don't yell or throw a tantrum during a fight
The ability to control anger when arguing or fighting is necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. Don't corner or yell at other people so that things get hotter. Someone who behaves aggressively will be responded to with a defensive attitude. If he yells or screams, don't give him the same energy. Try to control yourself so that you can speak politely and the atmosphere calms down again. The anger that builds up during a fight can throw the conversation out of control and can damage the relationship.
- When someone yells at you or curses at you, the limbic system activates and affects the amygdala, which is the center for recording emotional responses in the brain.
- Once you realize that you are getting angry, stop the conversation and leave the person you are talking to first.
- For example, you could say, "I'm really mad. I'd better get out for a bit. We'll talk about this again when I've calmed down."
Step 6. Apply fair rules when fighting
Sometimes, fights are unavoidable. However, the most important thing to apply when fighting is to speak politely. In addition to not yelling at each other or swearing at others, never do the following:
- Saying words that demean or insult other people.
- Blaming others.
- Do physical violence.
- Threatening to separate.
- Making assumptions or judging your partner.
- Discussing past issues or conveying a long series of complaints that have been kept to themselves.
- Interrupt conversations or talk at the same time.
Method 2 of 3: Becoming a Loving Person
Step 1. Do good things for her
There's a difference between buying an extravagant gift for a lover because you think this is what he expects by doing good because he wants to please him. Doing good doesn't mean having to buy something. You can do good by doing simple things, like helping out with the trash, washing the dishes, or picking wildflowers by the side of the road for her. Show that you always remember him during your daily activities and think of various ways to keep him happy and happy.
- If funds are limited, don't force yourself to buy something for him and then you're stressed. Think of a way to show appreciation that doesn't cost money.
- There are various ways to do good, such as buying flowers, tidying up his house, buying tickets to his favorite movie, or sending a nice short message.
Step 2. Give praise
You don't have to compliment him all the time, but a once-a-day compliment makes him feel happy all day long. Give a sincere, heartfelt compliment, for example when she wears a dress that matches her jewelry and makeup. Compliments also don't have to be focused on the physical aspect. Compliment him when he gets a promotion at work, passes an exam, or makes progress in self-improvement.
- For example, you could say, "You had a great hairstyle today."
- To praise the improvement in learning achievement, tell him, "It seems physics is no longer a scourge for you. Your test scores continue to improve."
Step 3. Provide support
Healthy competition is a good thing, but instead of competing, imagine that the two of you are a team that works well together so that your success is a mutual success. Take advantage of this as a motivator to utilize the best potential that you both have in order to have a positive impact on life together, not for your own sake.
- Many people are egocentric by looking after themselves and developing skills, but remember that you can be selfish and unpleasant if you do things that hurt other people's feelings and benefit yourself.
- Give motivation to your lover to do useful things. Don't smother her spirit or hinder her from achieving her goals in life.
- Teamwork requires two people. If he doesn't support what you dream and aspire to, he may not be the right partner for you.
Step 4. Love and respect yourself
In order to establish a more intimate and meaningful relationship, make sure you are able to take care of yourself, for example by getting enough sleep at night, adopting a healthy diet, and setting aside time for yourself. Maybe you're not taking care of yourself the way you should if you're quick-tempered, unmotivated, or defensive. Don't push yourself and don't hesitate to refuse his request. If he really cares about you, he'll understand that you need time to rest and take care of yourself.
- If you always prioritize the needs of others over your own, you may be codependent.
- In order to give yourself some time, you can say, "I love you so much. You've been very supportive of me and my business is going well, but right now, I need some privacy because I have business to take care of myself."
Step 5. Be honest so he can trust you
Don't promise things you can't do or deliver. Relationships will be very problematic if you break promises. Other, more severe actions, such as infidelity, can break the relationship. In addition, lying for the sake of kindness can trigger tension. To prevent this, be honest and open, even if you're worried you'll sound bad.
- For example, if you can't make it on time, call your lover to let them know why you're coming late.
- If you've ever done something that wasn't commendable or made you feel guilty, it's best to talk about it right away.
- If he doesn't trust you because of what you've done, try to prove that you're truly sorry and that you've changed.
Method 3 of 3: Strengthening Relationships
Step 1. Learn to compromise
Stubbornness and wanting to win on your own makes both of you unhappy. Instead of imposing your will, first listen to the opinions of others. Find out what he really wants and then consider the positive or negative impact on you. Often times, lovers wish the best for their partner. So, showing anger for demanding others improve themselves is not the right attitude.
- There are things that cannot be compromised, such as physical and emotional health.
- Don't compromise on moral virtues as this will disappoint him.
- Learn to compromise as a team so that both of you are happy.
Step 2. Give him the emotional support he needs
When facing difficulties, he may need more emotional support than usual. Make sure you are ready to help when he needs help or support. Be supportive and understanding, instead of getting angry and making him feel uncomfortable. Be the first to listen and don't judge. Try to make him feel more calm and comfortable while going about his daily life by doing good for him.
- If he does something against your will, don't get angry or criticize his actions. Try to find out why he did this.
- Being supportive does not mean supporting self-defeating behavior.
Step 3. Set aside time to discuss the problem
The first step to solving a problem is acknowledging a problem. If your relationship is in trouble, don't ignore it or take it seriously. Invite your lover to discuss what is going on and convey that you want to improve the relationship.
- Maybe you don't like to talk about emotional things, but this is necessary for a relationship to work.
- For example, you could say, "I've noticed that you don't smile much lately. You seem to have something on your mind. I'm ready to hear if you have something to say."
- If you're always open, honest, and non-judgmental, your boyfriend will look to you as the only person to rely on when he's in trouble.
- Even if the problem seems trivial, try to understand his perspective.
Step 4. Consult a counselor if your relationship is in trouble
Consider seeking professional help if the two of you are having a hard time interacting well. A counselor certified to improve interpersonal relationships can help you evaluate relationships objectively and provide the tools and techniques needed to restore relationships. Find information about a psychologist or therapist who has these skills and then make an appointment for a consultation.
- If the relationship is worth maintaining, consult a counselor to remove emotional and social barriers.
- Before seeing a counselor, try to be a lover who is always kind, loving, and honest.
