Have a friend that you really care about but, sadly, also befriends your enemy? Although it sounds absurd, in fact your friends have the right to be good friends with your enemies, you know! Most importantly, don't distance yourself from their circle of friends so you don't end up losing a dear friend. Come on, read this article to address various difficult situations related to this issue!
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Method 1 of 3: Spending Time with Your Friends
Step 1. Talk to your friend
Even if it's difficult, don't hesitate to share your feelings about your relationship with someone you don't like honestly. Doing so will help your friend understand your perspective and be more empathetic when both of you are around that person.
- Have a polite and pleasant conversation. “I know this situation is not pleasant for you, because I feel that way too. I just want to be honest and open with you, really."
- Be polite about how you feel about the person. "I really don't like Sarah, it seems we can never get along."
- Explain the reason for your incompatibility with the person. If anything unpleasant has happened between the two of you, let your friends know about it. "Looks like this all started from last holiday, well, when me, Sarah, and Emily…"
Step 2. Live in the present
Focus on the present, especially the moments you spend with dear friends. The "mindfulness" technique is also effective in helping you focus more on the present and stop thinking about that person, you know!
- Get back on the ground: When you find yourself thinking about that person or feeling anxious and envious of them, try thinking or saying, “Come back.” Then, take a breath and refocus your mind on the current situation.
- Be an active listener: Look your friend in the eye and hear what they have to say. Pay close attention to their tone of voice, the way they laugh, or how their faces change when they are talking. As a result, you can feel more connected to them and focus on the present.
- Speak with empathy: Be aware of the impact your words have on others. Imagine how it would feel if you heard that statement from someone else's mouth. Then, reflect on whether you have been completely honest in your communication.
Step 3. Discuss your feelings
Tell your friends how you feel about your friendship, even about the annoying person. The more honest you are with him, the more likely he is to be honest with you. Remember, it's very important to be honest about your feelings! If you want, say the following:
- "I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but our friendship is very important to me."
- "I'm afraid my feelings for Sarah will ruin our relationship."
- "I don't want to dictate who should be your friend, really. I just don't want my incompatibility with Sarah to get in the way of our friendship."
Step 4. Show your empathy
Empathy means trying to understand and explore other people's feelings from their perspective. Try to sharpen your empathy to understand that the current situation may be very difficult for your friend. Remember, he's caught between two people who don't get along, but want to be friends with both of them, you know!
- Practice empathy by providing reassuring, sympathetic, caring, and supportive responses. "I'm sad too. It must be annoying, yes, to be in the middle of a situation like this. Is there anything I can help you with?"
- Avoid responses that sound impatient, ignore their emotions, are selfish, indifferent, unsupportive, and/or demanding, such as “Don't overdo it, okay? You shouldn't feel that way. This is what you should do.”
Step 5. Frame the situation in a positive context
Positive framing is a technique for placing a negative event in a new and more positive perspective. While it won't change the situation that already exists, it can at least change how you feel about it.
- Take this opportunity to learn by asking, “What can I learn from this situation? What can help me to grow?”
- Challenge negative assumptions or beliefs such as, "They hang out because my friends like them more."
- Use a different diction. Change your "I hate him so much" to "I'm not his best friend" or "Maybe he's in trouble right now too."
Step 6. Don't gossip
If possible, don't talk about the person without their knowledge or gossip about them. Trust me, it's very immature, vile, and will make you look like a bad person. After all, gossiping can be bad for you, your friends, and your group of friends.
- Gossip can take the form of isolation or bullying.
- Doing so can damage the trust of a dear friend.
- It can also encourage others to gossip about you.
Method 2 of 3: Coping With Situations Involving the Three of You
Step 1. Make an effort to get to know or even be friends with people you don't like
Being his friend may seem overwhelming, but the fact is that you may have to deal with him a lot because you have the same friends. In fact, you may have to travel with them occasionally, both small and large. Therefore, try to keep your distance, but maintain a friendly attitude. Don't let your friends feel uncomfortable!
- For example, when the three of you are traveling together, try to minimize the frequency of conversation, but still be polite. Choose a light topic of conversation!
- If the person doesn't like you either, they're likely not going to show a friendly attitude. Let him do it! After all, your efforts to stay nice will be seen and appreciated by your friends.
Step 2. Travel with him
If your friend calls to ask, “Hey, Sarah and I are going to the movies, here. Want to come along? force yourself to comply with his invitation. Although it may feel uncomfortable, you can't predict the situation that will happen after that, can you? Perhaps you can actually improve your existing relationship by spending more time with him!
- On that occasion, you may be able to learn a lot of new things about the person. As a result, it can also help you to understand the reasons behind his behavior.
- You also have the opportunity to see the difference in his attitude in front of you and in front of others.
- In fact, you'll probably find that spending time with him isn't all that bad.
Step 3. Don't compete with the person
No matter how tempting it may be to change your mentality to “us” versus “them”, don't do it! Be careful, this mindset is dangerous because you will always feel like you are competing with that person, and adapt your actions to that mindset. Instead, think more wisely and avoid wanting to fight for power with them.
- Remember, the person may be trying to get you into an argument or competition with them.
- Find an external “enemy,” an object that all three of you hate. If all three of you are still in school, the "enemy" could be a teacher or a school assignment. Or, you can also choose a common enemy in the form of celebrities or television series.
- Recall your goal to maintain friendships with dear friends. Arguing in front of your friends will only derail that goal, right?
Step 4. Find positive qualities in the person
Even if you hate him, keep trying to find something you like about him. Trust me, holding on to the negativity will only worsen the relationship between the three of you. Therefore, try to cope with it by focusing more on his positive qualities.
- Think about what the two of you have in common. Do you both have the same preferences?
- Focus on the best qualities, and start from there.
- Get active with him and find out what the two of you have in common.
Step 5. Demonstrate polite and civilized behavior
Gotta spend time with him? Even if you can't see him as a friend, at least be polite. If you have a bad attitude, your friend may notice their reluctance to associate with you or the other person. If you're the only one being bad at it, he might even prefer to be friends with that person. That's why maintaining modesty is so important!
- Say "hello" when you meet the person instead of ignoring them.
- Look him in the eye as he speaks.
- Always say "thank you" and "you're welcome."
Step 6. Self-defense
It's necessary to be polite, but make sure you don't end up being belittled by him. Therefore, defend yourself and your interests, but don't do it in an equally bad way or avenge his actions. Remember, your needs are also important.
If the person starts insulting you, try ignoring them or asking them to stop. By giving a mature response, your friend will see that you are a much bigger person and deserve respect than that person
Method 3 of 3: Group Activity
Step 1. Avoid the person
If you really can't find anything in common with him, try to avoid him. Stay away from negative and pessimistic people, so you can focus more on positive people.
If you're having trouble doing that, at least keep your interactions to a minimum
Step 2. Keep your reactions under control
Don't let the person know that their behavior made you angry. If you react, he will likely continue to do things that make you angry. Therefore, remind yourself not to grant his wishes, and try to focus more on your other friends.
Remember, chances are that the person just wants to see your reaction. Therefore, don't give him that satisfaction
Step 3. Be a happy, confident, and fun person
If your personality is friendly and fun, other people, including your friends, will want to be around you even more. Show them that they can spend a moment free of drama and conflict with you.
Best-case scenario: Your friend will eventually lose interest in hanging out with the person, especially since he or she is always more focused on the conflict
Step 4. Keep your distance from the person
Make sure you don't have to sit or stand next to the person you hate. If he's already sitting next to you, make the most of the situation or ask permission to go to the bathroom and find a new seat. Distance will provide opportunities for you to interact with other people and enrich perspective.
If you want, you can also do other activities. For example, if you and your friends are going to an arcade, try playing a different game with them
Step 5. Take the time to find the root of your annoyance with him
When working in a group or hearing him talk, try to take the time to identify his behavior that bothers you. After that, try to point out the character or attitude that always triggers your annoyance. Remember, you will not be able to change his personality and behavior. However, you can always change your perception of and reaction to those triggers.
- For example, if his accent sounds annoying, try to remember that it's an integral part of him. Then, start borrowing his perspective to observe the situation around him. Chances are, your accent also annoys him, you know!
- Consider the cultural background. Understand that behavior that is not at issue in some cultures may receive an opposite reaction in others.
