Forgiving someone who has hurt or betrayed you is one of the hardest things you can ever do. However, learning how to forgive is essential if you want to reconnect with someone, or to forget the past and move on with your life. Overcome negative emotions, face the people who hurt you, and move on with life.
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Part 1 of 3: Coping With Negative Emotions
Step 1. Realize that anger can be dangerous
Forgiving someone who has wronged you can be like a bitter pill. Your first reaction may be to feel angry and blame the person who hurt you. While natural, harboring pain and anger will bring you more pain than the person you are angry at. Therefore, it is important that you forgive – not for the person who has wronged you, but for yourself.
Holding a grudge can damage relationships with other people later, lead to depression and resentment, and can isolate you from others
Step 2. Choose to forgive
Sorry requires an active and conscious decision to let go of a negative attitude and try to move on with life. Sorry doesn't come naturally or easily. Sorry is something you should work on.
Usually, people claim that they "can't" forgive the person who wronged them. They believe that it is impossible to forget feelings of pain and betrayal. However, what they don't realize is that forgiveness is a choice. When you choose to forgive the person who has hurt you, the person who will benefit the most from that decision is you
Step 3. Release your anger
Let go of any negative emotions that are stored up for that person. Allow yourself to cry, hit your punching bag, go out into the open and scream, or anything else that provides a release for you to let those bad feelings out. Otherwise, the feeling will fester and make you sicker.
Remember, you are not doing this to lighten another person's conscience or justify their actions. You do this to allow yourself to recover and move forward
Step 4. Keep perspective
Try to gain perspective by taking a step back and looking at the situation from an objective perspective. Did the person hurt you on purpose? Was the situation beyond his control? Has he tried to apologize and make things right? Try to consider all things and analyze the situation calmly. If you can try to understand why and how the situation happened, it will be easier for you to forgive.
Ask yourself honestly how often you have wronged other people and been forgiven for it. Remember what it felt like, and how relieved and grateful you were when the person forgave you. Sometimes remembering that we can hurt others can help us to be more forgiving
Step 5. Talk to someone
Talking to someone you trust will help you process your emotions and gain an unbiased perspective. Getting it all out can make you feel as if a heavy weight has been lifted. A friend, family member, or therapist can give you a pair of sympathetic ears or a shoulder to cry on.
While it may be tempting to talk to the person you're having a hard time forgiving yourself to, wait until you've calmed down and have fully considered your feelings. This will prevent you from blowing up on that person and end up ruining the relationship more than it already has
Step 6. Find positive ways to express your feelings
This will help release the negative emotions that are ruining everything and ease your problem. Try journaling or writing letters, using creative methods such as painting or poetry, listening to or composing music, running or dancing. Do things that help you reduce tension and make you feel better.
Coping with your emotions in a positive way will make you more aware of the problem at hand. This is the key to recognizing and dealing with emotions, rather than simply ignoring them
Step 7. Look for inspiration from others
Read or listen to the stories of others who have practiced forgiveness in situations much more difficult than yours. These stories can be from religious leaders, therapists, family members, or people who write about their experiences. It can give you the hope and determination you need.
Step 8. Give it time
Sorry doesn't come with just the snap of a finger. Forgiveness requires self-control, determination, compassion, and above all, time. Sorry is something you can work on, little by little, every day. Remember, no one is in the last moment of their life thinking "I should have been mad longer". In the end, love, empathy, and forgiveness are the most important.
There is no optimal time frame for forgiving someone. You may find yourself holding a grudge for years, then realize that you have to make peace with that person. Listen to your instincts
Part 2 of 3: Dealing with People Who Hurt You
Step 1. Don't rush to conclusions
It's important not to make rash judgments when dealing with people who hurt you. If you react too quickly, you may say or do something you will regret. Take time to process what you just learned and gather more information before acting.
Whether it's a spouse or family member who has hurt you, don't react drastically. Think about your history with him and whether this was just a one-off mistake or a habit. Make sure you think calmly and rationally before saying something irrevocable or you'll blow him away forever
Step 2. Ask to meet the person who hurt you
Ask to meet in a private place. Explain that this doesn't mean things will return to normal between the two of you, but that you'd like to hear an explanation before moving on. Say that you want to hear his side of the story.
Step 3. Listen to the story
When listening to other people's stories, try to relent and let them talk. Don't interrupt or argue. When the stakes are a relationship with this person, the most you can do is listen.
Even though you can clearly see what the situation is like, you should always take the opportunity to hear his side of the story. You may be surprised by what you hear, and if there is nothing new, it will allow you to make wise decisions about what to do next
Step 4. Have affection
Try to be compassionate when dealing with people who hurt you. Put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself what you would do if you were in a similar situation. Would you act differently?
Try to understand what the person's motives or intentions are. Is he deliberately trying to hurt you? Does he believe it's good for you? Or is he just careless?
Step 5. Do not burn the connecting bridge
When talking to people who have hurt you, don't say or do anything you can't take back. Striking angrily and throwing insults and accusations may feel good at the time, but won't help in the long run. It's the opposite in nature and will probably destroy your relationship forever.
Remain calm when dealing with people who hurt you. Avoid accusations when speaking. Instead of saying "You make me feel like…", say "I feel like…" Take deep breaths and if they say something that provokes you, try counting to ten before responding
Step 6. Say how you feel
Once you've had time to calm down and think things through, explain to him in a calm, organized manner how his actions hurt you and how you feel about it. This is vital, otherwise you will harbor feelings of anger and hatred towards the person, making a genuine apology impossible. Let him know how his behavior affects the relationship, especially if it's a love relationship.
Once you've expressed your feelings clearly and thoroughly, it's important that you keep moving forward. If you decide to forgive the person's actions, you can't bring up old wounds every time you argue or hang the event over their head
Step 7. Don't try to equalize
When trying to forgive, it's important to let go of the urge to equalize or take revenge on the person who hurt you. Trying to retaliate will only hurt more people, including yourself. You have to be the more mature party, try to forgive and move on. Otherwise, work on building trust and rekindling your relationship. This is especially important in conflicts between families. You have to resolve all the tensions in the family, as it is likely that you will be interacting with them for a long time.
For example, if your partner cheats on you, you won't solve anything by cheating on him back. It will only cause more pain and hatred. Two mistakes cannot produce a truth. Your sorry won't be worth much if it's given after revenge
Step 8. Let him know that you forgive him
If he apologizes, he'll be grateful and relieved that you're back in a relationship. If he doesn't apologize, at least you can get the load off your chest and move on with your life.
Remember that forgiving someone doesn't mean things are back to normal between the two of you. If you feel like he might hurt you again or you feel like you can't trust him anymore, that's okay. Make sure you explain this to him. This seems easier in a love relationship that ends, as it's unlikely that the two of you will see each other very often. This is more difficult to do in a family, as you will be constantly dealing with each other
Part 3 of 3: Moving Forward
Step 1. Find out what you want
It's important to understand that even if you forgive the person, you don't have to let them back in your life. Decide if you want to reconnect with him or just let it go. To do this, you have to think long and hard about the relationship. Is it worth rebuilding? What are the chances that he will hurt you again if you take him back?
In some situations, such as a violent relationship or a relationship where your partner cheats on you multiple times, it's safer and healthier to let the person go for good. You deserve better
Step 2. Focus on the future
Once you've made the decision to forgive, you should forget about the past and focus on the future. If you decide that the relationship is worth rebuilding, then you can start slowly moving forward. Let that person know that even though they hurt you, you still love them and want them in your life.
If you keep dwelling on old wounds, you will never be able to truly forgive and move forward. Look on the bright side and view the situation as an opportunity to make a fresh start. Maybe that's what your relationship needs
Step 3. Rebuild trust
After you've been hurt, it can be hard to trust again. However, it is important that you learn to trust yourself – your judgment and ability to make wise decisions. Then you can work on rebuilding trust in the person.
Make a commitment to be completely open and honest about everything. Don't worry about what will happen next. Trust cannot be earned overnight. You need to give him time to earn your trust again
Step 4. List the positives
Try to look on the bright side by making a list of the positive things you can take from the experience. These include: realizing the breadth of your ability to understand and forgive, learn valuable life lessons about trust, or have a closer relationship with the person who has hurt you since both sides worked to resolve the issue together.
If you start to remember the pain and hurt that person has caused you, don't let those thoughts get to you. Looking back, you may have to revisit the past for answers. Don't see this as a reason to feel angry. Instead, think of it as an opportunity to recover
Step 5. Remember that you are doing the right thing
Sometimes an apology means nothing to the guilty party and sometimes the relationship is simply irreparable. Even if the situation doesn't turn out the way you hoped, remember that you're doing the right thing. Forgiving is a noble act, and one you will never regret.
