Forgiveness is something that must be made. When done wisely and effectively, forgiveness can change the way you think, feel, and live. Approaching a challenge with an attitude or belief that you can do it can encourage you to take on the challenge. By taking steps, changing your mind, diverting your emotions, and seeking guidance from valuable sources, you can learn how to forgive others and yourself.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Taking Steps
Step 1. Contact the person concerned
When busyness begins to fill your daily life, it will be difficult for you to stay connected with friends. When conflict occurs and separates everyone, the relationship is increasingly difficult to "rescue". If you want to forgive someone, take the first step in the forgiveness process by contacting them. This action alone will make you feel more open and optimistic.
Taking the first step is always difficult, and sometimes you need to push yourself. Try saying to yourself, "Let's do it." Pick up the phone, and call the person concerned
Step 2. Ask to be heard
Whether meeting in person or communicating by phone or electronic device, the goal of your actions remains the same: ask the person concerned for time so you can express your thoughts and feelings about the conflict that has occurred.
- Reassure him that you are open and willing to hear what he has to say. Thus, he will feel more open to the discussion.
- If he doesn't want to meet you, don't despair. There are things you can do to forgive them, regardless of whether or not the person in question can comply with your wishes. This act of forgiveness is actually “designed” to help you. For example, use writing instead of direct contact to express your feelings and thoughts about them. Journaling is effective and helps you process your feelings.
- Journaling can relieve anxiety and stress because it's a healthy outlet for any confusion or excess emotion you're feeling.
Step 3. Discuss the problem
In life, there are some chats or discussions that are more difficult to have. When conflict occurs and negative feelings have developed, it will be difficult for you to start a conversation. The purpose of this is to structure the conversation and lead it to a “peaceful” resolution so that you can manage the pain and disappointment.
- First thank him for wanting to meet you.
- Second, let him know that your goal is to listen to both parties' stories and find a peaceful resolution so that you can both get on with your life in peace.
- Third, provide details of your story, including how you felt or thought.
- Fourth, ask him if there's anything else you can clarify from him before he goes into details.
- Fifth, ask questions that will give you the information you need to understand his goals, motives, thoughts, and feelings.
Step 4. Apologize for your actions in the conflict
Almost every conflict involves a misunderstanding or misconception about someone's actions or words. There are several things you need to do to ease the tension in the situation. Taking responsibility for what has been done is what builds the open communication you want, and is needed for the two of you to come to an agreement.
Step 5. Accept the apology
If you have discussed the situation/conflict and the person concerned offers a sincere apology, accept it. Even if you have to force yourself to say, “I forgive you,” this is a big step toward building forgiveness for yourself.
Accepting an apology can be difficult. If you're still trying your best to forgive someone, you could say, “I accept your apology and am working to forgive you. I still need time for that.”
Step 6. Show a willingness to return to life in peace
If you must or want to maintain a relationship with him, your behavior should show your own seriousness. Relationships will improve when you are willing to go through the forgiveness process. This means that you should not hold grudges and bring up past events. You also have to be willing to laugh and feel comfortable when meeting or with him. Getting through conflict is a great relief. Let it motivate action to be more assertive and fairer.
As time passes and progress is made, you'll see that betrayal can still affect how you treat them. This may occur in heated arguments or discussions. You may not have processed the hurt you're feeling and still need to calm your emotions. However, this is a normal reaction and can be managed by talking about your feelings with the person in question or someone else
Method 2 of 3: Changing Thoughts and Emotions
Step 1. Practice empathy and compassion
Both empathy and compassion can be learned. As with any new skill, you need to practice it. If you can treat others the way you would like to be treated, you are almost successful in developing empathy and compassion in yourself.
- Take the opportunity to practice compassion when in public. If you see someone having trouble opening the shop door, help them out immediately. If you see someone who looks sad, smile and say hello. The goal is to make others feel the impact of the good you do.
- Cultivate empathy by talking and, most importantly, listening to people outside your social circle. Try starting a chat with a stranger once a week. Develop small talk into deeper conversations and try to (respectfully) ask questions about his life and experiences. This can broaden your view of the world and help you become a more understanding person.
Step 2. Get rid of any negative feelings
Fear, discomfort or insecurity, and the inability to communicate are triggers for a variety of painful behaviors. Some people don't know why they behave the way they do because they haven't explored things deeper than their own behavior. Keep in mind that this does not necessarily make their actions excusable.
- Make it clear to yourself that you are not responsible for helping or forcing the person to become a more “developed” person. Wish him well and don't let him stop you from apologizing.
- Make an effort to understand what happened and why the person behaved the way they did. You can do this by discussing this with the person concerned, or someone you can trust. Also, visit the internet or bookstores or libraries to find out about this issue/topic. Information is a power and will certainly interest you when studying the motives behind human behavior.
Step 3. Question and change perspective
You may hold strong views/beliefs regarding a situation when you were treated unfairly by someone. Often times, a person's perspective becomes heavy to one side and needs to be returned to a "balanced" state. Therefore, it is important for you to look at the situation from a broader perspective, especially if your perspective is actually "harming" yourself.
- For example, if conflicts that have occurred in the past are always on your mind, they will only be a waste of time. Try asking yourself questions, such as, "Compared to more serious life-and-death situations, is this really that significant?" or “Is this issue worth thinking about? This problem has taken up my time that could have been used to enjoy my life.” Think about the answer and make a decision to shift your perspective and not let the conflict drain your time and energy.
- You may want to avoid social situations with people you like because you don't want to see someone who has betrayed or hurt you. This perspective will only ruin your engagement with the people you like and keep you from enjoying positive experiences. Show courage and accept their invitation. You don't have to talk to the person in question, but if you do need to interact, do so politely and avoid lengthy conversations with them.
Step 4. Turn the mind from anger to gratitude
It's true that anger only does bad things because you are the person who actually harbors negative feelings towards the person in question. To fight anger/annoyance, turn those feelings into gratitude. The more gratitude you have, the less resentment or anger you will feel. As a “gift”, you can have a better mood. This will certainly be appreciated by others. Try asking yourself these questions to direct your thoughts and ease any existing anger/annoyance:
- What do I feel when I think negatively about her?
- Do I want to hurt myself?
- Can my thoughts hurt him?
- Most likely your answers are “uncomfortable/bad”, “no”, and “no”. Use the answers to build responses that are more reflective of gratitude, such as “I deserve to have more positive feelings, take good care of myself, and protect myself from harm.”
Step 5. List the benefits of letting go of anger
Let go of the things that hold you back from happiness/calm. Some people are “used to” harboring anger and making themselves “victims of circumstances”, and both of these are allowed to affect various aspects of their lives. Such people believe that they are victims of the actions of others, even when the evidence says otherwise.
- Ask yourself if you are such a person. If the answer is yes, you can learn to change this behavior.
- When letting go of feelings associated with conflict, you need to identify the negative feelings first, then look for the benefits/goodness that can be felt when you are free from those feelings. For example, you will feel free, relieved, calm, able to focus on the good things, stop holding on to anger, and get life back on track. The goal is to show yourself multiple pieces of evidence that life will feel better if you can just forget your anger, get up, and get back on your feet.
Step 6. Don't stop trying
If you're trying to forget something, but it's still haunting you, you may need to process more feelings related to the situation/conflict that occurred. You can talk to a trusted friend or family member, or try hiking to manage/vent your emotions physically.
It can be frustrating when someone tells you to “forget it all” when you haven't reached the problem-solving stage. Take a deep breath and say, "I'm trying to forget or let go of everything, but I haven't reached that stage yet."
Step 7. Do fun activities
You can learn to forget or let go of your anger by re-discovering the bright side of yourself. When you play, you can feel free from negative thoughts about the conflicts that you are harboring.
- For example, you could go to the beach and play kites. The game also requires you to pay close attention to the situation and can provide a kind of fun and achievement when you successfully fly it. Kite flying can be a great distraction and allow you to see the situation in a different light. As people often say, "laughter is the best medicine." Playing and laughing will help you stay positive and optimistic when going through difficult situations.
- Make a schedule on your calendar at least once a week to play and have fun.
Step 8. Defuse existing anger
Being in anger and resentment is not healthy. Processing upset feelings through physical activity or artistic expression is a good alternative to relieve anger, stress, and anxiety. Anger must be released so you can forgive the other person.
- Try running, hiking, or lifting weights to get your pent up energy out of trouble. By exercising or exercising physically, blood flow will be smooth and the production of endorphins (hormones that can increase feelings of happiness and reduce pain) will be increased.
- Try to meditate, either alone or in a group. Meditation has been used for centuries in various cultures to deal with negative thoughts that trigger anger. In addition, meditation can also cultivate positive thoughts.
- Creating a painting, sculpture, or digital work can be a great activity to shift your focus towards creating art that will allow you to process your anger.
Step 9. Rebuild trust
When we let other people into our private lives, we take a kind of “risk”. The same people can betray the trust that has been built together. An important part of the forgiveness process is giving the other person a chance to regain your trust.
- Let him show that he is reliable, trustworthy, and sincere. Give him a chance to show these things. When you can give less chances, you will probably get more positive things in return.
- For example, try accepting her invitation to watch a movie. That way, he gets the chance to arrive on time, treat you with respect, and have a great time together. Without your willingness to accept his invitation, you will not see his sincere efforts to regain your trust.
- If the betrayal involved lying about where he went (for example), ask him to text or call so you can find out where he is.
- Remember to acknowledge the efforts of someone who wants to regain your trust. Try to let him know that you appreciate every effort he puts into it.
Step 10. Appreciate the existing learning experience
People and opportunities come into life to teach you something. Each experience will prepare us to become a more intelligent person and in line with what is expected of life. Remember that we can learn from both good and bad things.
- Sit down and make a list of the things you learned from the situation at hand. Maybe you've learned not to lend to a friend who has a bad financial history/habit of using money. You may also learn that some people prefer to party than pay rent, or that roommates can be slackers who destroy any chance of getting back the down payment from the landlord.
- Don't forget to record all the positive things that happen. Often we find it easier to see negative things when we feel hurt. However, certain situations do not always give bad things. Maybe you can learn to do “interviews” with potential roommates to make sure they have the same study and house-cleaning habits. This way, you can enjoy a quieter life in the future.
Method 3 of 3: Seeking Help
Step 1. Find a therapist
If you're having trouble forgiving someone and it's negatively affecting your life, it may be time to seek professional help from a counselor or therapist. Several therapies designed to encourage forgiveness have been successful in helping people get past old wounds and find peace and problem solving.
- Get a referral or advice from a trusted doctor, family member, or friend. However, if this is not possible, contact the mental health department in your city for information on counseling options.
- If you feel that the therapist working with you is not the right “person,” find another therapist. Every therapist is different, so it's important that you find a therapist you feel comfortable with.
- Look for a therapist who provides cognitive behavioral therapy. A therapist can help identify and eliminate negative thought patterns that you have had and develop.
- Try spiritual counseling. Many people find peace after seeking help from spiritual leaders who can guide them to forgive others. The power of prayer has been shown to be effective in healing wounds and easing feelings of guilt and shame. This can be an impetus for people to seek forgiveness for various reasons.
Step 2. Set therapeutic goals for yourself
Demonstrate a commitment to changing your behavior. In psychotherapy and physical therapy, you will benefit from setting goals. Go through the process by opening up and feeling vulnerable. Don't abandon this process just because the steps you're taking are getting harder and harder. Your hard work will pay off and deliver healthy achievements.
- Know your goals. For example, would you like to be more at peace with a family member who has betrayed you? Tell the therapist that this is one of your goals.
- Give yourself a reward every time you reach a goal. Your motivation will increase if you can reward your achievements.
- Instead of giving up, adjust your goals.
- Keep creating new goals because it will keep you busy.
Step 3. Upgrade the support system
Surround yourself with people who care about you. These people include family, friends, and co-workers. Develop friendships and meet new people to widen your circle of support. You've learned enough through the therapeutic process that by now you can feel confident and equipped with a lot of knowledge. A good support system can relieve stress and even boost your immune system.
By searching for interests, you can join groups that give you the opportunity to meet people and gain new experiences
Step 4. Forgive and accept yourself
Personal struggles can make you feel bad about yourself. You may feel guilty about not being able to take care of yourself in certain situations or unfairly, you blame yourself for what happened. However, you can learn to control feelings of guilt and shame rather than trying to get rid of them.
If you want to join cognitive behavioral therapy, it will help you examine your existing thoughts and develop new, more effective ways of thinking about yourself
Tips
- Sometimes it's a good idea to think about how other people can forgive in more serious or severe situations. Ask for support and examples from your friends to motivate yourself to forgive others.
- Several studies have shown that forgiveness depends on whether a person should interact with the person who is perceived as guilty. However, you can determine whether it is important to reach forgiveness.
- It's never too late to seek professional help in dealing with problems, as long as you have the will. Change isn't easy, but it can be done if you're willing to put in the effort and find ways to meet challenges.
- Licensed therapists are trained to help others manage the difficulties that affect their lives.
- Being honest and sincere when apologizing can increase the person's chances of being forgiven.
- If you have been involved in military combat and witnessed actions that are inconsistent with personal morals, you can gain the ability to forgive yourself through therapeutic intervention.
- Use your best mental energy (perhaps first thing in the morning) to visualize the new life you want. See your future self as free from hurt and suffering.
- Remember that you're not perfect either, and try to empathize with why you did something that hurt your feelings.
Warning
- Forgiveness is hard, but living with a grudge is even more difficult. Holding a grudge can be very dangerous, and it can hurt others in many unexpected ways.
- Some mental disorders can reduce a person's ability to forgive others. Psychopaths, for example, may never experience shame or guilt for their wrongdoings. On the other hand, shame and guilt are two factors that encourage forgiveness.
- Unconditional forgiveness is not determined by the actions or pleas of the offender/guilty person. Forgiveness is done to free you from the anger, depression, and hopelessness that makes you sad.
