Someone has hurt you and you feel sad, angry or bitter where it is hard for you to concentrate. When you meet that person – know whenever you close your eyes – all you can do is repeat what happened and wallow in your feelings of sadness. If you want to move on from your life and learn to go through the pain, then you have to make the choice to forgive and forget. Easier said than done? Read on to find out how to do it and see for yourself.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Changing your perspective
Step 1. Let go of hate
If you really want to forgive the person who wronged you, then you have to throw all bitterness and hatred to the side of the road. Let go of the part of you that hates the other person knows wants him or her in danger knows he's failing; if you hold on to negative feelings, they will disrupt your life and make it difficult for you to find happiness, so the sooner you see that letting go of your hatred is the right thing to do, the better.
- Of course, that person hurt you a lot, but if you spend all your energy hating that person, you will allow that person to hurt you even more. Think from a higher point of view and let go of all bad feelings.
- It's better to admit that you hate it first than to deny it. Talk about your feelings with a friend. Write down your feelings. Do what you have to do to get the feeling out so you can get rid of it quickly.
Step 2. Consider the plan
At some point, you will feel like the person is really ruining your life or making you feel really miserable. Yes, so maybe one of your friends forgot to invite you to the party; Maybe your significant other said something hurtful to you in a heated situation. Can they do something even worse? Could whatever they do hurt you in the next few weeks – know in the next few months? The obvious possibility is, you've been hurt, but that's not the end.
- It might feel like the end of it all, then. But if you give yourself time to calm down, you'll see that's not true.
- Take a step back and look at your life. Filled with good stuff, right? Was the thing that person did to you really that bad to put everything in jeopardy?
Step 3. See if there are lessons to be learned
Think of you as a student rather than a victim. It's easier and safer, too, to think of yourself as a victim when someone wrongs you but, try to look at the situation in a positive light and see if there's anything you can learn from the experience. Maybe you'll learn not to trust too much. Maybe you'll learn not to get into situations where your guts tell you to stay away. Even if you feel hurt or disappointed, this situation can shape your future interactions and will help you avoid getting hurt as you move forward.
- At times, it's easy to think that experiences are bad. But if you actually experience the process that is happening, it will lead to something positive in the future.
- If you accept that there are lessons to be learned, then you are less likely to resent the person who hurt you.
Step 4. Put yourself in the person's shoes
Try to see a situation from the person's perspective. Maybe your guy didn't tell you that he went on a weekend trip with his friends because he knows you tend to get jealous. Maybe your best friend didn't tell you about her new relationship because she was afraid you'd suspect her. Know maybe the person who hurt you really didn't mean to do it and feels really bad about everything that happened.
- Remember that there are two sides to all stories. You may feel like a victim, but you may hurt the person as well.
- It might seem funny to feel sorry for someone who made a mess. But think again of a time when you have hurt someone and truly regretted what you did. It's possible that the person is in more pain than you feel.
Step 5. Think of all the nice things that person did to you
You may be really hurt by what your Mom, sister, significant other, know your friends did to you, but try to think of the good things they did to you too. You may get overly dramatic and think that this whole relationship was a huge mistake and that all of your interactions with the person who hurt you did nothing but hurt you, but that rarely happens. Try to be warmer to the person by thinking that the person is a great friend, a support system, knows a shoulder to cry on.
- Make a list of all the good things that person has done for you and all the memories you share. Look back at the list when you feel angry know hate and you need it.
- Hey, if you've been thinking long and hard about all the nice things that person did to you and you're really getting nothing, then maybe you really would be better off without that person in your life. But this rarely happens. If the person didn't do that much to you to begin with, then you can't be that angry after they hurt you, will you?
Step 6. See if you've ever wronged that person
Look at the other side. Remember two years ago when you accidentally told your best friend that you thought he was a follower? Know that time when you completely forgot your sister's birthday and went out for drinks with your friends? Chances are you've caused some pain in the past and the person is working on it. Relationships are long and complicated and it is possible that the pain is caused by both parties.
Remind yourself how you would feel if you hurt someone – and how much you want to be forgiven
Step 7. Realize that forgiveness actually releases stress
Research has shown that being unforgiving and thinking about the injustice that has happened to you can actually increase your blood pressure, increase your heart rate, make your muscles tenser and bring you more stress than if you chose to forgive the person. Cultivating feelings of forgiveness has been shown to make people feel calmer and more emotionally stable. So, if you want to be selfish about it, then realize that forgiving the person actually makes you better physically and mentally. And who doesn't want that?
- The longer you hold on to feelings of anger, the worse your body and mind will feel. And why do that to yourself?
- Remember that forgiveness really is a choice. You can decide to start forgiving and stop holding all the hostile feelings in your body, as soon as you want. Yes, forgiveness is a process, but there is no need to sustain it.
Part 2 of 3: Reflecting it with Action
Step 1. Give yourself time to calm down
Even if you make the decision to start forgiving today, that doesn't mean you have to meet up with the person who hurt you and talk about it right away. If you're still angry, hurt, sad, know that you're disappointed that you rarely look straight ahead, know you just don't feel like yourself, then it's a good idea to take some time to think about it. The person may be in a rush to talk to you and get things right, but calmly explain that you want to talk about it too and that you need more time to process things.
Giving yourself a little time to heal and imagining can help you decide what to say to the person while you're talking and can keep you from getting too angry and saying something you'll regret
Step 2. Accept the person's apology
Talk to the person and make sure he's really sorry and his feelings are genuine. Make eye contact with the person and see that he or she is really sincere and feels really sorry for what happened. If the person apologizes just by saying it, then you'll know it. When you see that the person really cares, then honestly say that you accept their apology. Let the person speak and evaluate the words and if you think it is time to accept the apology, then say so.
- Remember that there is a difference in accepting an apology from someone and forgiving them in their entirety. You can accept the apology and give yourself a little time to get over it.
- If you're trying to accept an apology but can't do it, then be honest. Tell the person that you can accept and forgive, but you just can't do it right now.
Step 3. Let the person know how you feel
Tell how the person has hurt you. Share all your pain, your feelings and all your doubts. Let the person see how much their actions really affect you and how much you think about the whole thing. There's no need to talk about it if it's just to make the person feel more guilty, but if you want to get your heart out, then this is the time. If you just accept the apology and don't talk about what happened, then you're likely to be angry and bitter for a long time.
You don't have to be serious about it. Just say something like, “I really feel bad because…” know “I'm having a really hard time dealing with the fact that…”
Step 4. Break up with the person if you need to
You can talk to the person, share how you feel and accept the apology, but that doesn't mean you have to go back to being their best friend right away. If you need a week, a month, know more time than that, stay away from that person and be honest about it. Say something like, “I really want to rebuild our relationship, but I need time to get back to where we were at.” It's fine to go at your pace.
If a month has passed and you still can't accept the person, that's okay. If another month passes – and another – and you still can't do it, then you should consider whether there is a possibility to improve your relationship with that person
Step 5. Show your compassion
You may not feel any pity for the person after he or she harms you. But if you want to quickly reshape your relationship and make both of you feel better, then you have to show compassion for how the other person is feeling. Think about how bad the person felt to hurt you and admit no one is perfect; the person seems to be suffering a lot without your love and kindness and that will definitely hurt him or her. Even if it's your fault, you have to take a better path and realize that the other person is also disappointed.
If something, you can feel guilty towards that person. He shouldn't be in a very good place if he has hurt you so badly
Part 3 of 3: Forgetting the Pain
Step 1. Re-establish your beliefs
Take things slowly with the person and continue to improve your relationship. You may not trust the person right away and you may suspect him whether you can continue to be friends with him know to date again and that is all very normal. Take things slowly and in low-pressure situations while giving each one a chance to be alone as well. Don't be too open with the person and rarely have deep conversations until you feel comfortable sharing.
It may not feel as good as your past relationship, but if you want to get back to things before you were hurt, then you have to take small steps to get there
Step 2. Accept if you can't get over the pain
So you have tried everything. And you've given yourself a little time. You have shared your feelings with the person who has hurt you. You have shown compassion and have considered the situation from the person's perspective. You have tried to be in a low-pressure situation. But no matter what you do, you can't stop thinking about how sick you are, getting angry with the person and thinking that you can completely trust them. While this may be unpleasant, it's completely natural and if you can't stay away from it, then it's better to admit it than deny how you feel.
- Sometimes the pain is so deep that you can't brush it off and just act like nothing happened. Now you have to choose – even though you can't get over the hurt, can you find a way to deal with it that allows you to continue spending time with the person who hurt you?
- Accept it if you are not with the person. Perhaps the wound was so deep that being with that person felt like picking out a scabies. If you really can't handle it, then don't force something that shouldn't be there anymore.
Step 3. Focus your energies on something else
Make sure you have other things on your mind while you are rebuilding your relationship. Spend more time running and training so you can hit 10k next month. Complete the short story you've been working on so you can send it to the local competition this time. Enjoy your relationship with people who have never hurt you. Find something that makes you feel good and you can look further and you will spend a little time feeling the pain.
- One day, you will see that hey, the pain is gone. You probably thought it wasn't going to happen, right?
- Keeping yourself busy will keep you moving forward and have positive things to look forward to. If you give yourself too much time to wallow, you will only feel worse and it will be hard to forget what happened.
Step 4. Take time to reflect
While staying busy and active will help you heal faster, you don't have to be so busy that you don't have time to rest and think about what's going on with you. Make sure you have time for yourself, where you can write in a diary about your feelings, knowing you can take the time to turn off your computer, television and cell phone and focus on your mind and body. Silence can help you understand how you really feel about the situation; the sooner you know exactly what you're thinking, the sooner you can move forward.
Plan weekly outings fortnightly with yourself when there's nothing else to do but still make time for yourself. This will help you to calm down, think and get rid of all angry feelings
Step 5. Know that positive revenge is deserved
You may be in so much pain that you want the person who hurt you to feel how you feel. However, this will only make you more stressed, angry and bitter and it won't solve anything. If you think you need revenge, then know that the best revenge is to live a good life, an accomplished life, to be happy, not to let what has happened bring you to an end. It may feel as beautiful as you slapping the person in the face knowing they hurt him like how he hurt you, but in the end, you'll feel better about being your best self than stooping down to that person's level.
Just live your life and be yourself and do what you love. If you spend all your time trying to make the person who hurt you feel bad, then you won't be able to move on
Step 6. Step forward instead of looking back
Focus on the future and all it holds for you – even if the person who hurt you is in it knows not. If all you do is wallow in the past and think about all the things that hurt you and life has never been fair to you, then you won't be able to forgive and forget. I should be grateful to all the people who make your life beautiful and all the opportunities you have and think about all the great things that lie ahead.
- Focus on all the goals you want to achieve in the future to make your life better. Make a plan to achieve them instead of thinking about all the things that are wrong for you.
- Keep working on yourself. Improve everything you want to do and see how much better you feel when you become a more caring, compassionate and knowledgeable person.
- You have made the choice to forgive and forget and you should be proud of yourself for doing so, even if it took longer than you expected.
Warning
- Burden keeps us from getting up and enjoying life: You are more likely to feel lighter, happier and more satisfied if you let go of your grudge.
- You may need to make new friends, hobbies and passions to pass the time and drain your energy by releasing negative energy!
