Forgiving someone who breaks their promise can be challenging, especially if the person is a friend, family member, or part of another close relationship. A broken promise may feel like a huge betrayal and make you feel very angry with the person who broke the promise. However, holding a grudge actually has significant implications, both in terms of psychological and health. Plus, if you don't forgive them, you're hurting yourself more than the other person. That's why it's important that you learn how to forgive others while maintaining a reasonable level of tolerance.
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Part 1 of 3: Accepting Self-Recovery
Step 1. Accept the fact that things have happened
To start forgiving people who broke their promises, you first need to accept that the promises they made have been broken. Hoping that things don't turn out that way (in this case, the promise is kept) or that the person concerned is more trustworthy will only increase your frustration or anger.
Step 2. Let go of the anger that is holding you back
If you allow yourself to be filled with anger over the actions of others, you are essentially losing your power. You can't change other people's actions and, if you think too much about it, you'll end up feeling uncomfortable. Take action so that broken promises and breakers no longer dominate or disturb your thoughts. There are several things you can do to let go of the anger that is holding you back:
- Use affirmations so you can say different things to yourself. Try saying to yourself (out loud) affirmations like “I need to forgive _ for breaking his promise”, several times a day.
- Keeping mindful and focusing on gratitude and kindness can reduce the anger you feel. When you start to feel angry with false promises, ask yourself what you need to be grateful for today so you can get back in control of yourself before the anger took over you.
Step 3. Focus on being comfortable and happy
Be aware of the discomfort you feel when holding back anger or resentment. Also, pay attention and remember that these uncomfortable feelings will not make you feel better, and will only make you more uncomfortable.
Remind yourself (out loud) that “I feel hurt because I'm not able to forgive, not because of _” (for example, because someone else didn't keep their word). Remember that by letting go of negative emotions, you can feel calmer
Step 4. Release the tension you feel in your body
When you are angry at the person in question, your body goes into 'battle' mode (in other words, you feel like hitting or fighting with that person). The mind and body are so connected that when you are able to release the stress and tension in your body, you will feel more prepared to forgive. Breathing deeply is a great way to relieve stress and release anger.
- Sit in a chair and straighten your back. It will be more comfortable if you sit and lean on a chair.
- Close your eyes and put one hand on the stomachs.
- Slowly take a deep breath. Feel the air enter your stomach and begin to rise to your head.
- Exhale slowly. Feel the air expelled from your head entering your stomach.
- Repeat this process for five minutes or until you feel calmer.
- This breathing process helps reduce stress by lowering blood pressure and slowing the heart rate.
Step 5. Discuss the problem with the person concerned
Constantly dwelling on annoyance is not healthy behavior and often makes the anger felt even more intense. Tell the person in question how you feel and explain how the promise he broke has affected your life. In this way, negative thoughts that constantly arise can be eliminated.
The person who breaks his promise may not be ready to apologize for the promise he broke. Therefore, it is important for you to be able to forgive and forget the mistake, even when the person in question does not take any action. Your apology is not an attempt to make peace, but to release negative energy so you can feel better
Step 6. Reflect on your own development
Every situation is a learning experience for you. When you are able to realize that you can learn something from experience, even if you have to feel hurt, you can forgive others more easily.
- Resolve to learn from the experience you have had rather than just be upset about it.
- Ask yourself “What have I learned from this experience?” and take the time to explore existing thoughts. For example, have you learned to always make alternative plans?
Part 2 of 3: Letting Go of Anxiety
Step 1. Practice showing empathy
Try to see the situation from the perspective of the person concerned. Sometimes there are unexpected things that happen so that someone is forced to cancel or break his promise. On the other hand, there are also people who do have bad intentions. Whatever the situation, if you are able to show empathy, it will be much easier for you to let go of your frustration and not hold it in.
- Think about the intentions of the person concerned. Is the person's intentions good, but something happened that forced him to cancel or break his promise?
- Understand that canceling an appointment may not relate to you. A person who breaks his promise may be more focused on the situation he is in (both internally and externally) and not realize how it affects you. For example, if someone promises to see you and cancels the appointment at the last minute, it's possible that his car has had problems or that he actually has less money than he thought and he's too embarrassed to tell you.
- Remember that everyone has broken his promise at some point. Try to remember when you had to cancel your appointment with someone else. Of course this makes you feel bad and chances are people who break their promises feel the same way. Remember that everyone is imperfect and sometimes things like this can happen.
Step 2. Show you care, even if the person in question breaks his promise too often
If the person breaks their promises very often, consider what the person may have experienced in their life that makes them keep breaking promises. The behavior may reflect another chronic problem in his life (and he needs help dealing with it too). He may have internal problems (eg inability to assert certain boundaries) or external problems (eg problems in marriage). Therefore, try to show concern by thinking about how he really feels. If you're still upset about a broken promise, there are several ways you can cultivate greater caring:
- Look for things that both you and the person like. Maybe you like the same kind of music or drive a car of the same model. There are some things that you both might like. A study shows that simple things like tapping your fingers in the same rhythm can encourage caring for others.
- Don't blame him for what happened to you. Even if his inability to keep his promises can have a negative effect on you, be aware that there are some choices that, at the time, you didn't make. For example, if you depend on the person to drive you to a job interview because your car is being repaired, and he or she doesn't show up, remember that you should make sure that there are other plans. Remember that you are not a victim.
- View the person as himself, not as a 'broker'. When you view someone as having a hard time and trying hard at certain things, you may be better able to forgive them than when you view them as an indifferent promise breaker.
Step 3. Know the good things that come from forgiving behavior
There are many benefits, both psychological and physical, to the behavior or habit of forgiving someone who has treated you unfairly. If you realize that your health or condition improves when you are able to let go of resentment or resentment, you will be motivated to be more able to forgive others. There are some good things you can get from forgiving behavior:
- Better psychological health
- Decrease in depression level
- Decreased anxiety level
- Decreased stress level
- Better spiritual condition
- Improved heart health
- Lower blood pressure
- Better immune system
- Establishing healthier interpersonal relationships
- Increased self-esteem and feelings of worth
- Research shows that forgiveness provides proven benefits or benefits because it can reduce negative emotions and lower stress levels.
Step 4. Decide to forgive the person concerned
Forgiveness can take away the desire for revenge or put the person who treated you unfairly (in this case, the person who broke their promise) in trouble. In addition, when someone breaks their promise, especially someone close to you, you may feel some kind of loss or deep sadness. Therefore, forgiveness is a natural solution to the grief experienced.
- Forgiveness does not necessarily indicate that you are weak. In fact, it is a very wise choice and can help maintain your health (especially mental health).
- Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to forget what happened. In reality, it is very important that you establish boundaries with unreliable people. You can still be friends with them, but you don't have to ask them for help.
- It also doesn't mean that you have to keep or maintain an existing relationship. You can let go of anger and resentment without having to stay in the existing relationship (if you feel that the relationship is unhealthy).
- Forgiveness also does not mean that you can allow his actions. Forgiveness is given so you can move on with life so forgiveness doesn't mean you have to accept it. In essence, you can still forgive him while taking steps to protect yourself from being hurt again in the future.
Step 5. Let go of the grudge and anger you feel
After all the preparations are done, it's time to let go of anger and resentment. Decide whether you want to tell the person directly or release the anger and resentment yourself (quietly, without telling the person). There are several ways you can show that person you're sorry:
- Let him know that you want to forgive him. Call the person or ask them to meet in person. Take this opportunity to let him know that you are no longer holding grudges and have forgiven him for the promise he broke.
- If the person has died, cannot be contacted or found, or you just want to let go of the anger and resentment secretly, you can verbally express your apology to yourself. Find a quiet place where you get some privacy. After that, say loudly, “I have forgiven you, _”. You can say it briefly or in detail, as conveniently as you like.
- Write a letter. Letter writing is a good alternative. You can choose to send it to the person concerned (or not to send it), or even discard it. At its core, letter writing allows you to let go of feelings of anger.
Step 6. Rebuild trust by setting boundaries
If you want to stay in touch with the person in question or if the person is a family member you see frequently, it's important that you protect yourself by setting boundaries. These boundaries can help rebuild a sense of security so that breaking promises can be prevented or reduced. Apart from that, it also helps you rebuild trust in the person and regain personal power.
- For example, let's say your cousin promised to look after your kids so you could attend an important event, but he canceled his appointment at the last minute. One of the limitations (or rather, precautions) you can make is asking to give you at least 24 hours notice if he has to cancel his appointment (assuming it's nothing very urgent) so that you can ask someone else to look after the kids.. You can tell him that if he doesn't agree (or breaks his promise again) you will no longer ask him to look after your children and be their babysitter if he needs help.
- Keep in mind that as you begin to rebuild trust, those boundaries can change.
- Setting boundaries is important, especially with people who break their promises too often. Yes, everyone has things that need to be done, but you shouldn't allow yourself to be taken advantage of by the person who promised you, just because that person needs to solve their own problems.
Part 3 of 3: Rebuild Relationships
Step 1. Decide if you want to reconnect with the person in question
If you feel that the relationship is healthy and you want to restore it, prioritize the relationship. Also, make sure you're prepared and don't feel pressured by what the other person wants.
- Emotions (especially negative emotions) can interfere with the re-establishment process. Make sure you've gone through a recovery before trying to get back into the relationship and get back into it. If you're still upset about a broken promise, that irritation could make the situation worse.
- Sometimes reconciliation is not a good thing, and that's normal. If you feel that the existing relationship doesn't need to be rekindled, it's okay to just forgive the other person without reconnecting with them. It might sound weird and awkward, but you could say, for example, "I appreciate you and forgive you, but I don't think it's time for us to be friends again right now."
Step 2. Call the person concerned and say that you appreciate it
When it comes to restoring and reconnecting, it's important that both of you need to feel valued. One of the best ways to show that you sincerely forgive him is to show him your appreciation. Let him know that despite the promise he broke, you still value and respect him and the friendship that was lived.
- For example, you could say: “I know we had a fight, but I want you to know that I value our friendship and want us to stay friends. You're a lovely person, can give good advice, and there's no one else I want to spend a Saturday night with but you."
- Try to be as specific as possible when you tell him what you appreciate about him. This way, you will sound more sincere. Plus, you can make jokes if the situation is right.
Step 3. Tell the person concerned what you can do to resolve the issue
Keep in mind that every fight involves two different points of view. The way you view a situation may differ from the way you view the situation. Therefore, let him know what you think about ways to solve the problem at hand.
- Even if the person breaks his promise, try to think about what you can do to deal with the situation. Self-awareness is important so that you can take responsibility for whatever you did until the problem occurred.
- Ask yourself questions such as “Did I speak clearly?”, “Did I know that he had been in a lot of trouble all this time, and that I was only adding to the problem?”, or “Am I overreacting a little?” These questions can help you identify your contribution to the situation at hand. When you share responsibility for what happened, it makes the person concerned less defensive and makes the reconciliation process easier.
Step 4. Ask him if he wants to save the relationship
Let him freely decide whether he wants to save the relationship or not. Don't assume that because he broke his promise, he automatically wants to make up with you. It should be remembered that forgiveness is an internal reconciliation process that requires the participation of both parties involved.
- If he's angry, respect his right to be angry, whether you think it's logical or not. Sometimes people unconsciously throw the blame on others. It's a good idea to give it time and think positively again.
- He may choose not to want to be friends with you anymore. If this happens, be prepared to follow his wishes, but still forgive his mistakes.
Step 5. Spend time with him
Make sure you really intend to re-familiarize yourself with him. Quarrels that arise from broken promises can cause a rift in the relationship. Therefore, make it a priority to spend time with the person concerned so that the relationship is no longer tenuous. Try to be as normal with each other as possible.
It may take some time for you and the person to get back together, which is normal. Go through the process day by day and in the end, you are able to get through these difficult times
Tips
- Stop wishing for a better past. What happened has happened. Now, what you need to focus on is the present and the future. Don't think too much about what happened and how things should have happened. Focus your energies on achieving future goals.
- Accept the decision to forgive. Also accept the fact that you are actually able to rise from the betrayal that has occurred. Remind yourself that in order to get up and get back on your feet, you need strength and glory that needs to be appreciated.
- Don't underestimate the benefits of forgiveness for mental health. It has been found that an eight-hour forgiveness practice workshop can reduce depression and anxiety levels, on par with psychotherapy followed for several months.
- Don't underestimate the benefits of forgiveness for physical health. A study published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine in 2005 showed that people who were better able to forgive others had better health, in terms of five aspects: physical symptoms, number of medications taken, sleep quality, fatigue levels, and medical complaints.
