The word "elopement" used to be imagined as a picture of a young man helping a girl down the stairs outside her bedroom to meet secretly with the penghulu or guardian magistrate. With wedding costs skyrocketing, couples are now looking at elopement with a new perspective. Secret marriages work well if your parents offer you money to elope instead of using the family savings for a big wedding, or if you're an "aged couple" with a history of past marriages and want a quieter private event this time around. Planning a secret wedding takes far less time than a detailed wedding ceremony.
Step
Method 1 of 4: Deep Thinking
Step 1. Make sure that a secret marriage is exactly what you want
If you're feeling pressured by your partner or other people, then the decision you're making may not be the one you wanted. If budget is causing problems, it's important to sit down and rethink the cost of an inexpensive wedding rather than running away from it. However, there are many reasons to have a secret wedding, for example if you don't want a big wedding, don't want to face the hassle of getting the whole family together or simply don't like the idea of a wedding party. What matters is that you are both honest with yourself and with each other and that you agree this is what you both want.
In some cases, certain family members may feel insulted by your decision to secretly marry and not involve them in what they think is a family get-together (you may know which relatives will react this way but you may also be surprised). Don't let their wishes form the basis of your decision––you are the one getting married, not the relative
Step 2. Determine the date
Hide it from family and friends whenever needed. Alternatively, tell them about the news if you don't intend to keep it a secret and if you know they don't mind missing the "big event."
Method 2 of 4: Meeting Legal Requirements
Step 1. Gather the necessary legal documents in your city, province or country to obtain a marriage certificate
Depending on your location, these documents include birth certificates, blood test results (if applicable) and divorce documents if applicable.
Step 2. Get a marriage certificate well in advance of the wedding date to account for waiting times
In some cases, this section may not be necessary if you are secretly married in a place that has been set up for a speedy wedding, such as Las Vegas (see How to Elope in Las Vegas).
Method 3 of 4: Setting a Budget
Step 1. Determine your budget
Count the funds you have for trivial things like flowers, special clothes, plane tickets and a photographer.
Step 2. Determine the location of the wedding ceremony
You can choose a local location or a faraway honeymoon spot.
- Gather two witnesses (or as many as needed) and the headmaster for a brief ceremony in the office of the judge or conciliator, in the office of the town hall, court, or small chapel. You can return to work the next day if a quiet ceremony quietly fits your lifestyle.
- Choose a location that has sentimental meaning to both of you such as the playground where you both played as children, the vegetable stand at the grocery store near the house where the two of you met, or on the campus grounds on your way to your classes. An inexpensive location where you can easily come and go provides a quick but special secret wedding venue.
- Iconic Las Vegas offers many wedding chapels and any costumes and vehicles to rent on your special day or night.
- Get married gracefully, taking your family and friends to a secret place where you allow the wedding planner to handle all the details. Although formal weddings are also performed this way, their spontaneous nature characterizes this type as a secret wedding where you involve multiple witnesses for an impromptu celebration.
Method 4 of 4: Celebrating After the Event
While not essential, especially if you're hiding your wedding, celebrations can be a great way to include everyone on your happy day.
Step 1. Celebrate after the event with family and friends
Whether you're considering a discreet or modest wedding on a small budget, find a suitable way to invite the people who are important to you for the after-wedding celebration. Some examples of things you can do include:
- Have a "barbecue" party in the garden to celebrate the wedding of the people in your life, and surprise them with an announcement on a napkin, a sign, or during a toast.
- Plan an intimate dinner or cocktail party to announce your wedding.
- Ask a trusted friend to plan a welcoming home party for family and friends to attend to celebrate your wedding.
- Go golf or bowling with your family and friends, and include a picnic or light lunch.
Step 2. Postpone the celebration if that suits your situation
If you're inviting people who are disillusioned by your secret wedding, it's a good idea to wait before celebrating. Some of the possibilities include:
Consider waiting until it's time for you to have a baby. You can celebrate your baby's arrival and your wedding at the same time, when people will soften up and be more receptive (they can reason that they came for your baby)
If you're not planning on having children, waiting until your wedding anniversary is another option––time does heal feelings of disappointment, especially if you and your partner are clearly still together.
Tips
- You can marry secretly, and renew your vows with a "real" wedding later, so people don't get confused.
- Sometimes it helps if you tell people who disagree with your decision that the size of the marriage does not determine the measure of a couple's happiness. Gently remind them that starting your marriage without worrying about finances will prepare you both well for a long and happy married life.
- A discreet wedding means there will be no memories or family photos to enjoy together. This may influence your decision if you consider the memories to be shared with loved ones important in the future. On the other hand, don't overdo this excuse––sentimentality is no excuse for having a wedding you hate, especially considering how many divorced couples enjoy reminiscing about their wedding with family members––very few!
- Create a website to upload photos, offer an online guestbook and other details about your big event.
- If secret marriage is another way to avoid "normal" commitments, be careful. If it's just elopement at first, this can expand into a series of avoidances from things you want, like friendship (your partner is there for you mentally or physically), having children and staying together long term. Make sure to think things through and trust your instincts, and not your fantasies.
- Make sure elopement is what you both want, and marriage is something you and your partner will take to the next level, it's not about anyone else. If you want your wedding to be private, go ahead. You can renew your vows at any time, and invite some close relatives and friends.
Warning
- Be prepared because some family members will feel angry. People have a lot of subjective ideas about weddings and the value of being a part of the event and you need to stick to the fact that a casual wedding style isn't for you (but don't give excuses––because it doesn't have to be). You're also better off accepting that their reaction is their decision, just as marriage is secretly yours.
- Consider the possibility of feeling guilty about anyone who seems upset by your decision. Again, this is not a reason to stop your decision but you need to deal with these feelings constructively and not berate yourself.
- Depending on your age, not disclosing your kids about your wedding plans and surprising them with a new mom or dad can trigger anger later in life. Involve them in the planning and this secret will be fun for them and can help cultivate a good feeling about your family uniting.
- Secret marriages can be a lot of fun. Make sure that the fun doesn't mask a serious incompatibility between you and your potential partner, as this will come to light when the fun ends, sometimes in a matter of days.
