When you keep apologizing, you present yourself as a pathetic person to those around you. While apologizing should be done after you've done something wrong, apologizing too often will foster guilt for being who you are. At first, maybe you mean well, you want to be a kind, loving, and sensitive person. Ironically, those around you will feel alienated and confused by your excessive apologies. Therefore, start a change in yourself and reduce the habit of apologizing.
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Part 1 of 3: Understanding the Habit of Apologizing
Step 1. Know how overly apologizing can affect you
Apologizing excessively implies shame and regret for being yourself. This is especially obvious when you've done nothing wrong (for example, apologizing for bumping a chair). If no one was harmed, why apologize?
- Sensitive people care more about the feelings and experiences of others than their own, and so tend to apologize more often. This can lead to a strong but subtle growing sense of disrespect or denial of one's own worth.
- Research suggests that apologizing excessively reflects shame rather than guilt for the wrong done.
Step 2. Understand human gender differences
Women tend to apologize more often than men, and research suggests this is because women are more sensitive to behavior that offends others. Men have a harder time getting offended. Therefore, women more often feel responsible for knowing more about things that can offend others.
Women who apologize too much can be caused by social and environmental issues so that the habit of apologizing is not your fault. Changing this habit is quite difficult, but at least you can rest easy because this habit is not the result of "abnormality" in you
Step 3. Examine the impact on others
How do other people around you react when you apologize too often? Not only will you be perceived as lousy and incompetent, but those closest to you will suffer the consequences. Apologizing too often may cause the other person to feel isolated because they don't know what's wrong, or they may have been too harsh and aggressive.
For example, if you say, “I'm sorry, I came too early,” the other person will feel that they have scared you. It's also possible that he will feel you are not welcomed and ignored when you come in
Part 2 of 3: Tracing and Changing Your Apology Habits
Step 1. Be aware of your bad habits
How much apologizing is too much? If your apology starts to sound similar, you're usually way too late. Keep in mind, the following apologies are excuses for normal circumstances and activities and should not offend anyone.
- "Sorry, I didn't want to intrude"
- "Sorry, I just had a morning run and now I'm covered in sweat."
- Sorry, my house is such a mess.”
- "Sorry, I forgot to add salt to this popcorn."
Step 2. Record your apology
Make mental and written notes of your apologies and pay close attention. Ask yourself if what you did was intentional or dangerous. Intentional or malicious mistakes do require you to apologize.
- Try tracing your apology for a week.
- You may find that most apologies are because you want to avoid a dispute or want to appear humble and polite.
Step 3. Revisit when it's time for your apology to work
Pay attention to whether the apology solves the problem with the other person or is the standard for yourself. Try to feel when an apology is made very easily, as if you are asking permission for your actions and opinions in a subtle way.
- If you feel confused, draw a line for your role in an event and stick to it. This is difficult to do if you are apologizing for the other person to avoid a dispute. However, apologizing for the actions of others often breeds resentment, because you have taken on someone else's responsibility.
- The right time to apologize is always everyone's decision and each person makes a different decision.
Step 4. Replace the apology with a silly joke
When you start making unnecessary apologies, replace them with silly words like "ecapede" or "yawla." This will make apologies feel witty and you'll be able to trace apologies more easily.
- By reducing the use of the word “sorry”, you are already trying to improve your bad habits.
- Use this method to search for your apology. Start by replacing the apology with a more meaningful expression of concern.
Step 5. Show gratitude
In certain situations, it's better to say "thank you." For example, a friend has taken out the trash before you have time to do it. Instead of apologizing for being late for an assignment, thank your friend for being kind enough to help you. Focus on your friend's good deeds instead of your mistakes.
This way, you'll avoid unnecessary guilt and responsibility, and you won't burden your friends with your feelings of guilt
Step 6. Replace the apology with empathy
Empathy is a person's ability to put oneself in someone else's shoes. Empathy is used to build solidarity (which is probably why you're apologizing). Empathy will be appreciated by loved ones because you show concern without putting yourself down.
- Make those around you feel heard and understood, instead of feeling guilty about your apology.
- You may express the same feelings as the other person regarding the situation. For example, when your friend is having a bad day at work, try saying, "I know what it's like to be scolded by your boss." This way, your friend knows you have listened and understand how they feel.
Step 7. Laugh at yourself
Often you can express an expression of guilt without apologizing. For example, you spill coffee or ask to eat at a closed restaurant. Instead of apologizing for the mistake, laugh at yourself. A sense of humor is quite effective at easing tension and calming those around you.
By laughing at your mistakes instead of apologizing, you and those around you admit your mistakes without taking them too seriously
Part 3 of 3: Finding the Root Cause for Long-Term Change
Step 1. Question yourself
What is the purpose of your apology? Are you trying to shrink yourself? Or, you are trying to avoid conflict or want to feel accepted. Explore all these questions thoroughly. Please write down your answer to see your opinion on this matter.
Besides, who do you apologize to the most? Your couple? Boss at the office? Examine all these relationships and see the impact an apology has on these people
Step 2. Explore your feelings
When you apologize too often, your feelings may become more stifled. Apologies may be made based on the other person's views rather than your own feelings about the situation. Dig into your feelings when you're about to apologize and pay attention to what you find.
- Often apologies are related to inner shame that can be overcome by accepting yourself and renewing your view of your strengths and worth.
- You can get help from a psychiatrist or therapist to adjust your self-esteem habits.
Step 3. Admit your mistakes
Everyone must have made mistakes. This means that you don't have to apologize for the smallest mistakes. All of these mistakes may be embarrassing, but know that everyone has made them and it's not a big deal so you don't have to get really hung up on it. Shift your focus to growing and changing for the better.
Admitting your mistakes will help you develop yourself. If a mistake causes discomfort or even pain, there is always an opportunity to learn from the experience and improve
Step 4. Get rid of any remnants of your guilt
Apologizing and blaming yourself too often is a sign that you are a person who always feels guilty instead of just feeling guilty about what you did wrong. Fix your guilt by starting to love yourself, adjust to unrealistic standards, and admit that there are things you can't control.
- For example, you may feel "should" be a cheerful person all the time, and feel guilty when you are less cheerful. This is an unrealistic standard that you set yourself. Show love for yourself when you're feeling a little sad. Say to yourself, "It's okay I'm not happy today because today is a difficult day."
- Remember, you can control your own actions and responses. For example, if you have left early but are still late for the meeting due to traffic jams, this is not your fault. You can't control the traffic jam. You can explain what happened, but don't feel guilty about it.
Step 5. Develop your values
Apologizing excessively sometimes shows your lack of understanding of your values. This is because apologies focus on the other person's reaction to determine right and wrong. Instead of basing yourself on other people's values, start developing your own.
- Defining your values will clarify ways to deal with situations and make decisions based on your values.
- For example, imitate the people you admire. What values do you respect in that person? How can you apply these values in your life.
Step 6. Improve your relationship
Apologizing often can damage your relationship with those around you. As you work on reducing your apologies, let those around you know about your efforts and why. Without apologizing for your past actions, say that you want to make changes that are expected to have a positive impact on yourself and others.
- You might say something like, “I realize I'm apologizing too much, and as a result, my loved ones feel restless when I'm around. I'm working hard to fix it."
- Share what you've learned about over-apologizing or something about yourself that's relevant to someone else. Make sure that you are getting more and more confident, so the other person can know that you really want to improve your relationship.
- If you have a relationship that relies on your apologetic or wrongdoing behavior, this relationship is unhealthy and should be acted upon.
Step 7. Take advantage of your strengths
The word “sorry” can also be used to make a direct statement, or express your opinion without sounding pretentious or offensive. You've apologized enough times that the word "sorry" should be used proficiently. Embrace your strengths by realizing that you are not really rude or selfish.
- On the other hand, your strengths can make an impact on others by being who you are. This power gives you influence over the world around you.
- Notice and be grateful for the abilities and qualities that you have and are recognized by others. Appreciate your strengths and don't deny them.
- If you want to express your opinion, don't start with, "Sorry to interrupt." Speak your opinion directly, confidently and respectfully. For example, “I have some ideas I want to share. Can you spare a minute?” Opinions are not expressed in a forceful or aggressive manner, but neither does it need to be apologetic.
Step 8. Find another source of comfort
sometimes, apologies are used to seek consolation from loved ones. We feel we are still loved and accepted by friends, family, or other respected people when they say “it's okay” or “don't worry about it”. Here are some other ways to find comfort without apologizing to others:
- Affirmations are mantras to yourself to help gain confidence and make a positive change. For example, "I'm good enough as myself."
- Talking positive things to yourself will turn negative thoughts that are eating away at you into positive ideas that encourage and help you. For example, when your thoughts are self-critical, challenge them with the positive statement, “I have a great idea that deserves to be heard by others.
