Becoming a stepparent can be rewarding, but there are also challenges to be faced. If you are married or have a spouse who already has children, you should consider stepchildren as part of the deal, to be loved, cared for and protected to the best of your ability. To be a good stepfather, you must have the qualities of a good father, and recognize that it takes time and willpower to assume the role of stepfather in the new family you will be building together.
Step
Method 1 of 5: Role Building
Step 1. Recognize that stepchildren may still have a biological father as a father figure
Don't try to compete with his real father.
Step 2. Be patient
Even if you show care, affection, and love, your stepchildren won't always respond right away. You have to patiently wait. Oftentimes, the child is deeply hurt by the situation that led to the separation of his mother and father and the breakup of his first nuclear family. Many children perceive new relationships as threatening. Time can heal wounds, but you must also remain positive and supportive whenever you are with your stepchildren.
Method 2 of 5: Spending Time With Stepchildren
Step 1. Spend time with the stepchildren by following the activities
Helping them with assignments, school projects and attending sporting events or clubs they participate in, such as scouting, will show that you are willing to support their activities. The more often you involve yourself in their activities, the sooner your child will accept your role as an alternative father and feel grateful that you are a part of their life too.
Step 2. Make sure you provide a balance of time and rewards between biological children and stepchildren
Both biological children and stepchildren are now a part of your life. Don't show one-sided affection under any circumstances. Every child should be treated equally because no child deserves to be treated as an outcast.
- Pay close attention to interactions between stepchildren and biological children, if you have them. Jealousy can destroy a relationship. If you see these signs, try to deal with them immediately. In order to maintain a happy family atmosphere, feuds between half-siblings must be handled fairly and sensibly.
- Never treat a stepdaughter like she doesn't deserve your attention and affection just because she's not your biological child.
- Never make your stepdaughter feel like you don't care or don't like her, or make her feel like an obstacle in your relationship with her mother.
Step 3. Invite stepchildren to participate in activities on your own
If you enjoy fishing, golfing, or other hobbies, and these activities are appropriate for your child, invite your stepchildren to join you. This step not only gives the child a chance to see what you like, but also gives the mother some time off. On the other hand, never force your child to do what you ask. If he shows no interest in fishing or wiring in the house, don't force him. If you take the time and show enthusiasm, your child may be interested in trying it. However, if he never shows interest, it reflects his interest, not yours. Forcing your child to do something they hate just to prove you two are friends can backfire. Instead, pursue common interests until you actually find an activity you can enjoy together.
- Spend time with your stepdaughter and teach her how to be a responsible adult.
- Show your child that you are willing to help with homework. It is important for children to understand that keeping the house tidy is a family task, and the responsibility of all family members, not just the mother's job. Don't be old-fashioned, even if the child's biological father is.
Method 3 of 5: Communicating with Stepchildren
Step 1. Communicate clearly and calmly
Tell your stepdaughter that you are willing to talk whenever needed and be a good listener when she actually comes to you for a chat. Show an open attitude and a willingness to accept differences because children have different experiences before you enter their lives. Tell him what you want without coming across as rude or intimidating. Always explain your actions and priorities with sound reasons.
- Don't let the interactions that occur between you and your stepchildren that day are just shouts and screams. You should always try to focus on your child's positive actions and not just their mistakes.
- Keep your negative opinion about the child's biological father to yourself. Don't express your opinion about the father in front of your children or other people, unless they ask you directly. If the question is asked directly, answer it carefully and tactfully because it can often lead to over-emotional. Every parent has a different parenting style and if the biological father is not taking part in the upbringing or is being rude, you don't need to judge.
- Don't fight with the child's mother in front of him. You must be very careful not to make derogatory comments about the mother if the child can hear them. The child will be very wary of any disharmony, mainly because of his protective attitude towards the mother and the high expectation that this new relationship will create a happy new family.
Step 2. Show concern openly
Children need love and affection all the time, they need your presence whenever they need it, no matter what the situation. On top of that, sometimes they need you to be a better parent, they need you to support them no matter what, and they need you to give them some relief once in a while.
- Be prepared to listen to them and understand what they have been through or what they have to say.
- Occasionally provide your shoulder if they want to cry or even give a hug or a kiss on the forehead or a simple "daddy loves you".
Method 4 of 5: Withdrawal
Step 1. Respect the child's personal space
Every child, from preadolescence to adolescence deserves privacy and personal space to some extent. If there's no serious problem with your child's behavior or activities, the more space you give him or her the more he will feel trusted.
Step 2. Raise the child according to the mother's wishes, do not conflict
For that you must communicate openly with the mother about her hopes and desires for raising the child, and clarify the direction that will be mutually agreed upon. As much as possible, follow the mother's wishes, unless it is dangerous or threatens the stability of the family or the relationship between the two of you.
- Respect the discipline applied by the mother and the way she handles homework. Even if you think his approach is inappropriate, don't say it in front of your child or make casual comments that demean him. Instead, discuss your concerns with the mother in private to reach an agreement that benefits the child.
- Discuss decisions that may affect stepchildren directly or indirectly with the mother. Don't enroll your child for military training or camping events without discussing it with the mother. Do not buy weapons, fireworks or toys that look harmless such as paintball guns or BB guns without their knowledge or approval. Never take a child to play ATVs, go karts, ride in a microlight plane or drive a potentially hazardous vehicle for recreation without their express permission.
- Talk about computer games, video games, and other technological influences with the child's mother. Social pressures often force mothers to let their children follow the "trend," whatever it may be, because everyone does it. Each family must have its own standards and code of ethics to serve as a guide. The child's mother needs your support and input to decide whether to let her child play violent video games and obscene images, or to allow her child to watch “Adult” movies with friends.
- Understand that your partner is a mother so they don't always have the freedom to spend time with you. Sometimes he has to help his child or spend time with him when you want him to spend time with you.
Method 5 of 5: Be a Good Role Model
Step 1. Help plan for your stepchildren's future
It may be your responsibility to start saving for college, buy your first car, and help find your first job. Be actively involved in planning what is needed for the child's future, talk to the mother first and then invite the child to join the discussion if necessary.
Step 2. Be a good role model for stepchildren
Smoking, excessive drinking, and drug use are not allowed in homes with children. Although not meant to be condescending, considering the effects of secondary smoke on children's lungs, and the use of illegal drugs as something "normal", are not good behavior that can be used as role models for children. If you have a substance dependence problem, seek help. If you can't stop smoking, do it outside, away from children.
Step 3. Remember, as a stepfather you hold a leadership role in the team
Accept the unique qualities, limitations, and even eccentricities of each team member. You will have good times, even great times, but it is undeniable that conflicts, disagreements, and disappointments will also occur. Patience, love, and sympathy will help you through all these challenges. You are the adult here, regardless of the circumstances, and you have to keep that in mind. Although the problems that occur seem like big problems, they will often be forgotten in tomorrow's hustle and bustle, or become the laughing stock of next year.
- Be yourself. It's almost impossible to pretend to be doing something, behaving, behaving in a way that doesn't match your personality. Stepchildren may be impressed at first, but it won't last long as your true self will emerge.
- You choose to enter into a relationship with a woman who already has children, and that choice ultimately requires you to be a role model and parent figure for her child.
- It's a good idea to maintain a good relationship with the stepchild's biological father, unless his presence is not wanted in the child's life. Most stepfathers are good friends with their stepdaughter's biological father. Both play a role in the best interests of the child and work together. If you're both reasonable, deadlocks are rare.
- Never miss an opportunity to tell your stepdaughter that you love her.
Step 4. Try to forget that he is not a biological child
Sometimes by always thinking about it, your attitude becomes uncomfortable and unnatural around children. Treat him like your biological child. If you love your partner so much, why can't you love their child too?
Tips
- In an effort to earn a child's affection, small, thoughtful rewards will be more effective. When you reward his achievements with something tangible, even if it's just a cartoon sticker, but you choose a character he really likes because you pay attention to him, it will make the child behave in a commendable manner. This will do more to reinforce their good behavior than punishment and show that you are fair and considerate of them. Children really care about justice. Rewarding them with compliments and thanking them every time they do something for you shows, not tells your kids, that you're a good guy. You know what's good and do it. Your actions show who you really are.
- Pay attention to their best qualities and make it a habit to boast about your stepchildren as you would your biological child. “My little stepdaughter is very smart. He can learn how to use a computer faster than I can myself.” “My stepson is great. Yesterday he sang my favorite song and believe it not, his voice is not sloppy and he can dance too. He really is talented!” Whatever their talents and interests, show pride in them being part of the family. Make sure you don't do it in front of them. If you get into the habit of doing that, they'll know it by the way new people treat them and they'll end up eavesdropping because you didn't realize they were listening. If you do it unintentionally, the impact will be stronger and show that you are a real father, a reliable savior. This is also good for biological children because it will build their trust in life.
- Don't let the desire to be your child's "best friend" influence your judgment. If the child wants to do something dangerous or the mother disapproves of it, she may ask for your support, and this could lead to an argument with the mother. Never accept a child's request without the consent of the other parent. Never ask a child to leave or do anything without asking the mother's permission first.
- For children under ten years old, playing learning games will be very beneficial for both of you. Create reward-based creative games that match or advance the classroom curriculum. Involve the partner once the game is running smoothly. Try to make this kind of activity a fairly regular activity, or something your child looks forward to when mom or dad isn't around.
- Consider each child, whether biological or stepchild, as an individual.
- Don't set unfair standards, especially if it benefits the biological child more than the stepchild. Children will misinterpret it, even though the purpose is not so. Avoid all forms of injustice. Discuss the rules with your partner in the absence of children and come to an agreement. After that apply consistently for all children.
- Don't overdo it, but remember that children are easy to bribe. Don't do it with the lure of money. It's a good idea to pay close attention to what your child really likes and give carefully selected small gifts. A glass unicorn for a child's collection, or a special edition comic book, a craft project you can work on together or equipment/equipment for a particular hobby can make great little gifts. Don't do it every day, give them a welcome gift when you first move into their house and then give them the occasional spontaneous gift.
- Before dating someone who already has children, prepare yourself for the emotional turbulence that usually accompanies the stepfather role. "You're not my real father," is a sentence you'll probably hear. The wise answer is, “It's not. I'm your stepfather. I love your mother and I love you because I see her in you. I didn't expect to be your father. But I want to be a good person for you. Like someone you can rely on, I'm here to do my best, but I'm not trying to replace your father. This is my family. I'm the real parent, even though I'm not your real father."
- Take time to interact one-on-one with stepchildren. This way, you can build a good relationship with your child and get to know him better. It will also show your child that you care about him enough to be willing to spend some special time with him.
- Never ignore a stepdaughter when she wants to say or show something. Show love, care for him and try to understand him because he has just been going through a tough time. Tell and show him that you love him because he usually thinks you only love his mom. This is common if the stepparent is the father. You should never let the mother solve the problem alone. You play the role of a father, help him. He needs your support.
Warning
- Don't complain about everything the stepdaughter does. Remember that it's not easy for your child to move into a new environment and automatically learn to respect you.
- Never put your partner in the difficult position of having to choose between you and their child. Often times he will choose the child over the relationship, and that means you will lose. Even though he chose you over the child, you both still lost because you lost the respect and love of the child.
- Don't think of a stepdaughter as a naughty or naughty child and disrespect you. Try to see the situation from his point of view, through his heart and glasses, especially if you know his history of disappointment and what and who he expects when he meets you.
- You will have times when your stepdaughter upsets you or tests your loyalty to her or her mother. That's when you have to act like an adult and think before you speak. The way you say it will affect the relationship forever.
- Never say “You should imitate your stepbrother/sister” or compare them. Every child is a different individual with different needs, talents, goals and personalities. Treat each child as they are and evaluate them according to their true abilities and talents. Learning something in the most difficult subject for a child is a far greater achievement than the gold medal that a child who is truly gifted in that field can get. The effort expended should be considered when assessing results.
- Never complain about stepchildren to strangers. In short, never do it. Don't complain about your biological son either. When you talk about your stepchild or biological child, think about the positive and talk about what you like about them. You will look bad if your child misbehaves and it implies that your relationship with your new partner is not going well.
- Do not reward routine daily tasks or mediocre behavior. Children will do it just to get rewarded and lose interest in their hobby if you give too much in return. Reward them for special achievements such as a grade increase in school, a particularly exhausting clean-up, or every time your child does something much better than usual.
- Becoming a stepfather puts you in charge of protecting your child from various dangers. Learn about the risks your child faces and be aware of the dangers that lurk around the house. Many young children are seriously injured every day as a result of carelessness.
