When parents divorce, we will feel uncomfortable and angry. Feelings like these can lead one parent to use emotional manipulation tactics to convince their child that their ex-partner is no good and doesn't love them anymore. Usually the treatment is not related to the divorce case. Meanwhile, the parents who are the targets of his anger will do anything to stop this cruel treatment and maintain a positive relationship with their child. If your ex-spouse is trying to distance you from your child, seek help from the courts. But first you need to be able to prove that your ex-spouse did alienate you from your child. Unfortunately, this is sometimes quite difficult to prove.
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Part 1 of 3: Noting Habit Patterns
Step 1. Keep a diary
If you haven't kept a diary, start this habit of recording any events that involve your child. Also include the conversation with your ex-spouse.
- Event records can be important evidence that proves parental alienation syndrome. Usually your ex-spouse will deny the accusations.
- For example, he could file a lawsuit to modify the custody plan because you don't have time for your child. A detailed record of the time spent with your child, including tickets to any activities or activities, as well as photos of the two of you can prove that he is trying to keep you away from your child. In addition, he may also be trying to stretch the relationship between you and your little one.
- Take note of your ex-spouse's specific requests, as well as any adjustments he or she wants, especially if they go against the court's decision on the custody plan. Usually, the alienating parent will ask for an adjustment and blame you for not agreeing to it.
- Activity logs can be very important evidence if there are recurring issues between the time of care and court decisions.
- Keep in mind that courts have different decisions about how much control children can get if they want to visit the noncustodial parent. Usually, this depends on the age of the child as well. However, courts usually suspect parents who offer their children an option that goes against the court's decision. If your child says "Dad says I don't need to visit mom every week if I don't want to," enter these words in a diary to keep as evidence of parental alienation.
- If you have communication problems with your ex-spouse, communicate with them in writing. So you will have a record of what has been discussed. Also keep a copy of short messages or e-mails. These messages can be proof that your ex is claiming that he doesn't approve of something. He could also say that you've agreed to something when you haven't.
- If your ex texts you alleging alienation, keep the messages in order so you can pinpoint the alienation pattern.
Step 2. Watch for warning signs
Some habits or changes in a child's attitude can be an early sign of parental alienation.
- There are several types of alienation and their respective signs. Understanding the types of alienation that occurs is as important as knowing that there is an attempt at alienation. Different types of alienation will require different strategies to combat them.
- Remember that most parents who engage in alienation are actually very fond of their children. They will be willing to seek help from others if they understand that their behavior is hindering their child's development.
- Parental alienation is different from parental alienation syndrome. Alienation syndrome will usually be seen from the attitude of the child.
- For example, if your child seems reluctant to visit you or refuses to spend time with you, this may be due to parental alienation. However, this isn't due to the fact that he doesn't like you or spend time with you.
- For example, an alienating parent can encourage a child not to visit you – even when they don't have enough reasons. This is because for an alienating parent, this choice indicates the child likes him more than you.
- Be aware of the secrets that your child and spouse keep. These secrets can include secret words and signals. For example, your child may refuse to tell you what he did with his father last week. He may also say, "Dad said I shouldn't tell mom anything", or "Dad said it's a secret". The fact that your ex-husband asked your children to keep their activities a secret is evidence of parental alienation. This also includes when they perform simple activities such as going to a baseball game.
Step 3. Talk to your child
Especially since your ex may be trying to convince him that you don't care or love him anymore. Talk to him about this important matter. Listen carefully to what he has to say, validate his feelings, and make it clear that you still care about him.
- Also be wary if your child only repeats what your ex-spouse said and doesn't recount an incident or express his feelings in his own language. For example, if you ask him why he didn't come to visit you last Saturday, he might say, "Mom said dad was too busy to spend time with me."
- If your partner accuses you of hurting your child or instilling the idea that what you are doing is not good, consult an expert immediately. They will be able to help your child.
- Ask the child questions about what they were doing at your ex-spouse's house. However, don't ask questions that are too specific or suggestive. If he wants to talk about something he did at his father's house, listen to him openly. Do not be provoked or attempt to extract potentially bad information from it.
- If he says something that indicates neglectful or rude behavior, don't get angry or continue to interrogate him. Take him to the right professional for help. Remember, the child may feel comfortable if, for example, he feels that he is babbling to his father.
Step 4. Execute all guardianship orders and schedule visits
Even if your ex-spouse does their best to thwart this endeavor, your child should still know that he or she is having time with both parents.
- If your ex-spouse violates a guardianship order or visiting schedule, contact a lawyer and court immediately. Emphasize to your child that court decisions must be enforced otherwise there will be serious consequences.
- Keep in mind that in some provinces, courts will consider systematic interference with court decisions a violation of the “best for children” standard.
- If the other parent refuses to provide the child's required school records or medical records based on the initial decision, go to court for assistance. Don't be in a hurry to ask for this document yourself. Refusal to provide these documents to you may be considered a sign of parental alienation. In addition, this behavior indicates the absence of full support from both parents for the child's life.
- Court records can also be used to prove parental alienation in case other problems arise. If your ex is uncooperative and refuses to provide access to documents related to the health and welfare of the child, the court will rule that this behavior is detrimental to the child.
- If the alienating parent recommends or suggests something, find out about it and consider the motivation before agreeing to it. Read all court documents carefully, then look for gaps in the sections that your ex-spouse is easy to recommend or agree to.
- There are many courts that do not recognize parental alienation syndrome. They usually consider evidence of parental alienation along with other factors when making the best decision for your child.
- There are many provinces that support the policy that ideally, children should have a close relationship with both parents. Therefore, any parent who attempts to alienate or cut a child's relationship with an ex-spouse will not be considered the best person to obtain custody of the child.
Step 5. Ask the court to bring in a child's representative or guardian ad litem
A child representative is a court officer assigned to represent a child until he or she gets the best decision. This person can also monitor the compliance of the other parent, whether he or she obeys a court order or not.
The court may ask the child's representative to visit the child in one of the parents' homes to observe interactions between them. This officer will also interview both parents and children, both simultaneously and separately. After that, he would report the results to the court
Step 6. Talk to a lawyer
Your attorney will find out how to bring evidence of parental alienation to court if you find the evidence.
- Remember that parental alienation syndrome is not a real medical syndrome. This syndrome is not related to the mental condition experienced by a person. However, this syndrome refers to a relationship that doesn't work well – in this case, between the parent's partner, as well as between the alienating parent and his child.
- While most courts will accept and consider evidence of parental alienation and alienation behavior, there are also many who will not accept a diagnosis of parental alienation syndrome in a child because the syndrome is not recognized by the American Psychological Association, nor is it included in the most recent list of the Diagnostic and Medical Handbook. Mental Disorders Statistics or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). That is, this syndrome cannot be categorized as a mental disorder.
- The complex process of determining how parental alienation affects relationships with children will require court assistance and will take time.
- If your ex-spouse is constantly asking for schedule changes or planning outdoor activities or trips to get your child to refuse scheduled visits, let your attorney know. Also consider whether you want to involve the court in this. The court really hopes that the parents' plan can be flexible and consider the needs of both parents and their children. However, if one of the parents persistently tries to change the visitation schedule decision from the court, this could constitute an act of alienation and must be stopped.
Step 7. Stop your ex-spouse
If your ex-husband or wife files a lawsuit, such as a lawsuit for changing custody when you feel that this is due to her alienating behavior, make a statement to assess why and what she wants out of the lawsuit.
- Talk to your attorney about ways to ask questions that lead to responses that exhibit alienating behavior. For example, your attorney may ask your ex-spouse if he or she has spoken to your child about your personal life. In addition, the attorney can also ask if your ex has spoken ill of you in front of the children.
- Lawyers can also use the services of expert witnesses to attend trial statements or re-examination of transcriptions in order to analyze the responses given.
- There are many courts that will consider whether either parent has ever said anything demeaning to an ex-spouse in front of the child. In addition, it can also be about the course of divorce cases with children, or encouraging children to fight or not respect their ex-partners. You may ask your ex-wife or husband about this kind of child behavior at the hearing.
Part 2 of 3: Talking to the Witnesses
Step 1. Talk to other adults with whom your child spends a lot of time
Maybe your little one won't talk to you much, but he can talk about other things in front of other adults.
- Keep in mind that other family members can also contribute to parental alienation. An example of this is when the alienating parent feels blamed by you. If you ask your husband for a divorce but he doesn't want to, he may feel that your marriage ended because of all your faults. Then, his parents or siblings may become on his side and believe everything he says about you, even if it's not all true.
- A neutral third party such as a teacher or child coach can be a source of information about your ex's actions. For example, if your ex-husband exhibits alienating behavior, the teacher will be able to notice a difference in your child's behavior when he is with him, compared to when he is with you.
- Supportive people in your community, such as teachers, coaches, and religious leaders who understand your child's needs can be strong witnesses on your part when you try to prove parental alienation.
Step 2. Correct any incorrect or distorted information
Alienating parents often lie to get their children to stay away from their ex-partners. Therefore, make sure your child and other adults know all the facts.
- A problem that may be difficult is if the adult you are talking to is more on the side of your ex. For example, if your ex-husband tells his sister that you're an alcoholic, you'll have a hard time convincing him that you're not because his instincts will tell him that he should trust and protect his brother.
- Alienating parents can also encourage an “us versus them” mental attitude. So emphasize that you care about your child and are not trying to antagonize your ex.
Step 3. Consider taking your child to a psychologist
Psychological sessions are an important part of your child's health and to prove parental alienation.
- Your child may tell the psychologist things he doesn't tell you. In addition, psychologists are trained to recognize certain behaviors and behavior patterns that you are not aware of.
- Your child may feel more comfortable talking about things your ex has said about you than telling you directly.
- In some cases, you can ask the court to conduct a psychological evaluation of your child. Talk to a lawyer to find out the process in your province of residence. Psychological test reports can be used as evidence of parental alienation.
- Your local province or child agency can help if there's a problem with your ex. They can also help if you think your child has parental alienation syndrome. These agencies know resources that can help you save money compared to taking your child to a private psychologist or psychiatrist.
- Keep in mind that in order to prove parental alienation, you must be able to demonstrate that your ex-spouse behaved negatively and could harm your child. Testimonials from a psychologist or child psychiatrist may be needed to prove it.
Part 3 of 3: Protecting Your Children
Step 1. Take care of your relationship
The best way to counter your ex's attempts at child manipulation is to prove him or her wrong.
- Do what's best for your child and don't give up just because your ex makes things difficult. Your child will notice if you seem to stop caring about them or if you are constantly following your ex-husband or wife's demands.
- You must maintain contact with your family members and others in the community. Encourage your child to play together or to get involved in community activities. This will positively strengthen his connection with you and help counter the effects of alienation.
Step 2. Avoid negative interactions with other parents
Don't argue with your ex in front of your kids. This will only confuse the child and provide more reasons to support the alienating parent.
Try to solve the problem you have without dragging the child into it. Your child finds out that you don't get along and are divorced. However, don't drag him into your fights as this will only make him think he's the cause of your fights
Step 3. Hold back when you want to belittle your ex in front of your kids
Remember that parental alienation is a form of emotional abuse. So don't involve yourself in the same attitude.
- Keep in mind that while children may forget insults you say when angry or frustrated, these sentences can have big consequences. Especially, if his other parents have said the same about you.
- Try to maintain a positive relationship with your child and monitor your attitude. Control your expression of anger or sadness. Take care of your emotions and find another outlet. For example, you might say, "I'm frustrated right now, but I don't want to think about it. So let's have some fun." Fix difficult emotional states when the child is not around.
- Instead of talking bad things about your ex-spouse or accusing him of other things, focus on your child's health and well-being. If you really think he or she is in danger, or if your ex's welfare is being taken away or neglected, call the police immediately.
Step 4. Keep the topic of conversation age-appropriate
Alienating parents often provide information that is not age-appropriate. They do not understand certain topics.
- The alienating parent can also ask the child to choose something that cannot be asked before the child is old enough.
- For example, he can ask your child to choose between you and him, or let him know that your child can object to a visitation decision from the court.
- Parental alienating behavior may also include asking the child to seek information that could be used against an ex-spouse or asking the child to be a witness against another parent. Children should not be involved in adult problems.
- If your child asks questions that relate to what the alienating parent said, be careful. Do not give him information that is not age appropriate. You can give an honest answer, but at the same time make it clear that you'll be discussing this in more detail later.
Step 5. Request a subpoena to prohibit some conduct
If your ex continues to exhibit specific alienation, go to court and ask the prosecutor to prevent him from behaving that way again.
- For example, if your ex-husband doesn't allow your child to take his favorite toy with him when he goes to his house, or doesn't allow him to keep gifts from you, this could be a sign of parental alienation. You can counter this by asking the court to issue a warrant to prevent your ex from banning your child from keeping his belongings.
- You can also ask the court to order your ex not to plan activities or activities that conflict with visiting schedules, phone schedules, and certain times of the day.
- If you are concerned about your child's safety or well-being when he or she visits the home of his or her mother or father, you can petition the court to grant supervised visitation. This activity won't interfere with your ex's and child's time, but is done to observe them and make sure the child is not alone with their parents.
