Many people have experienced difficult family life which can sometimes feel very painful. However, we are able to overcome various problems and live in harmony with family members in various ways. Don't waste precious time by being negative towards those closest to you. Your approach and words to them can make a big difference in the family.
Step
Method 1 of 4: Starting a Discussion
Step 1. Pause the conversation to discuss the problem until you have calmed down
Problems that occur in the family are sometimes very hurtful, especially problems that occur when all family members are gathered, for example on holidays. If an argument is going on, delay the urge to talk until things have calmed down so that things don't get any worse and prevent a fight from occurring.
- Don't talk about the problem when your emotions are unstable because you're still angry or feeling disappointed. Postpone the discussion until the next day to cool off even if you're still upset.
- By procrastinating, you are ready to discuss with common sense if you are able to control your emotions. You will not be reactive if you have time to calm down and think before discussing the problem.
- Discussing when angry only exacerbates the tense atmosphere. Consider these reasons when deciding to postpone the discussion for a day so that you can control your impulsive reactions.
Step 2. Discuss the problem personally
Many people prefer to send text messages or emails that will cause regret later on. Responding to arguments or resolving family problems via text or email is the worst option. Discussing in private helps you increase your ability, awareness, and willingness to filter information.
- Remember that words conveyed through electronic devices are easily misinterpreted. The message you send may sound angry to the person reading it, even though you are not.
- Instead of texting her, communicate over the phone or better yet, ask her out. When communicating via electronic devices, we can't use body language as a way of empathy and it's harder to avoid discussions that hurt feelings.
- Another reason not to communicate via electronic devices is that people usually find it easier to use words that would not be spoken when they interacted directly.
Step 3. Learn to accept other people's mistakes including your own
As the saying goes, "Blood is thicker than water," you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your relatives. You can cut off family ties, but you will suffer alone.
- Realize that everyone can make mistakes, including family members. However, you can still love them as the first step to solving problems. Try to understand why someone thinks and acts wrong because it is a reflection of themselves, not because of you.
- Learn to accept the mistakes you make. Accept when you are blamed if you are. Use a different perspective when dealing with family problems and solving math problems that can be proven right or wrong so that the end result must always be one wrong and the other (or you) right. Instead, try to understand the issue at hand by considering various possibilities because this is what gives family life the nuances it has so much fun!
- Dare to be the first person to apologize even if you're completely innocent, for example by saying, "I know you're upset. Honestly, I'm really sorry and want to apologize. What should I do so we can make up again?" Even though he's still hostile to you, at least you're being tactful.
Step 4. Don't blame others
Say positive sentences when communicating with family members. Do not use negative words or corner others because negative situations will cause lasting problems.
- Avoid words that are judgmental or insulting to other family members. When speaking, don't use judgmental sentences while getting angry. If you blame the other person, he or she will become defensive and tend to want to strike back, which can escalate the fight.
- When arguing with family members, eliminate the desire to "win" the argument. Instead, try to accept a different point of view. Discuss ways to solve problems and make plans to do fun activities together. Don't discuss things that cause problems so that problems get bigger. Learn to get to know the other side of the people closest to you and think of new ways to interact with them.
- Speak with calm, gentle words and intonation, rather than sounding angry or upset. Express your opinion calmly and systematically while showing empathy. Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes and prevent arguments by responding sympathetically, for example by nodding your head occasionally.
Step 5. Learn to forgive family members
Forgiving family members or anyone is very difficult to do. This is even more difficult when we have to forgive those closest to us who we think have wronged us.
- After all, forgiving the other person will free yourself from the hurt feelings caused by the fight. Forgiveness means forgetting what happened so that you can live a happy life free from tension and stress.
- Say sincerely that you have forgiven the mistake for whatever reason. As difficult as it is, try to show sympathy.
- Realize that humans are imperfect creatures, including you. Sometimes, we need to apologize and forgive each other in our daily lives. This applies to you too.
Method 2 of 4: Finding Out the Cause of the Problem
Step 1. Identify the problem
Try to understand what is going on. Maybe you have a health problem or personal problem that you don't want others to know about. It may also be that you are grieving the loss of a loved one. Consider the things you are going through to make the problem easier to deal with.
- Do reflection to understand yourself. Ask yourself the following questions. Why do I hide my problems from my family? Why am I so disappointed because of family problems? For example: You are experiencing financial problems because your mother often wastes money. You realize that the trigger for the problem is worry because you think he has to support himself while you are not ready to provide financial support.
- Don't make assumptions about what other people think. Invite him to talk to find out what he really thinks. Don't gossip about family members because it will be a problem if he finds out. Focus on solving the problem, instead of focusing on what's going on.
- Discuss your problem with other family members, for example with a father or brother who is willing to listen to your story and help find a solution because they can tell you what's really going on.
Step 2. Seek information by asking family members
One way to find out the cause of family problems is to ask questions, not make statements. This makes others defensive because they feel judged.
- Asking questions makes the conversation more conducive so you can find out what's bothering the other person without making him feel judged. Ask him for suggestions to solve the problem.
- For example: for the past few days your sister has refused to say hello and invite you to drink coffee as usual. To find out the cause, ask, "Sis, it's been a long time since we haven't talked. Why, Sis?" Another example: deal with the problem that your mother often wastes money by asking, "You seem to be spending a lot of money on clothes lately. Have you managed your money well?"
- Ask open-ended questions that give the other person an opportunity to explain and then listen carefully to what he has to say.
Step 3. Invite family members to communicate
Almost all family problems are caused by poor communication. Hostility or withdrawal will only exacerbate problems because family problems are more difficult to deal with if there is no communication. As difficult as it is, take the initiative to initiate the interaction.
- Involve an older and wiser family member in a meeting to find a solution or ask him to be the mediator to talk to the person in conflict. In a situation like this, first ignore self-esteem so that good communication can be established. Remember that only big-hearted people dare to take the initiative to solve problems.
- Do not ignore the growing family problems because gradually the relationship is getting tenuous so that the situation is getting worse. Explain how you feel because of the conflict, but choose the right time and method. Don't bring up issues when the whole family is eating together for the new year.
- Don't drink alcohol before discussing the problem with a family member. For many people, alcohol can trigger negative emotions and should be avoided, especially before holding family gatherings to discuss issues.
Step 4. Consider whether the problem needs to be discussed together
Know some of the signs that indicate that the problem has developed in such a way that relationships in everyday life are very bad and need to be discussed, for example because in the family there are often arguments, fights, angry outbursts, avoiding each other, isolation, and the worst is physical fights.
- Sometimes, problems are triggered by differences of opinion, for example because of different cultural values or beliefs. Parents and children sometimes have different choices in terms of lifestyle, personal preferences, or beliefs.
- Family problems are sometimes the result of domestic violence, mental disorders, bullying, lack of integrity, changes in daily life, financial issues, stress, infidelity, and jealousy.
Method 3 of 4: Coping With Family Problems
Step 1. Try to come to an agreement
Compromising means determining a mutually agreed solution even though both parties do not fully get what he wants. Compromising is one of the best ways to resolve family disputes or problems.
- Start looking for a solution by determining if the problem can be solved by considering the cause and what has been done to fix it. If you've tried to solve the problem repeatedly, but the result is the same, you may need a different approach.
- Consider what has been mutually agreed upon and whether there are certain things that you accept. Disputes are hard to deal with if you just won't budge.
- One way to compromise to resolve disputes is to sit down together and then make 2 circles as a tool to discuss family problems. In the first circle, write down all the things you reject. In the larger circle outside the first circle, write down what you agree with. Then, discuss the notes.
Step 2. Invite family members to talk one-on-one
Many families fail to carry out their function as a team. The family will become a paralyzed team if negative interactions occur in daily life. This can only be overcome when all family members want to get together.
- Instead of discussing an offending issue at a family gathering on New Year's Eve or over dinner at a family party, find out who is really in conflict. If problems arise between you and one of the people present at the event, the rest of the family will feel very annoyed to be involved in your business because they will object to having to side with one or the other.
- Ask to meet over lunch or coffee. Having a one-on-one conversation in a neutral setting will go a long way in bringing out any complaints you or the other person want to convey. In general, people prefer to personally say things that are difficult to say in public.
- Don't talk about problems when you're having trouble focusing, for example, because you have to finish an important task, are busy on the phone, while washing dishes, etc. Instead, find a time when you can focus on the other person and find a solution to the problem.
Step 3. Consult a family counselor
While solving family problems is usually more effective when discussed one-on-one, there are times when you need to involve all family members. This method is more useful for dealing with problems that affect all family members, rather than just interpersonal conflicts involving several people.
- Family problems need to be discussed together if they are caused by job loss, disability, or financial problems. Everyone will find it helpful if you invite them to get together and get a chance to offer suggestions for solving problems.
- Use mutual agreement as the basis for determining strategies that bring positive changes to family life. When making decisions, more people think it is always better than just one person.
- Don't let anyone dominate the discussion and no one should get angry or belittle other family members during the discussion.
Step 4. Write a letter to the person you are in conflict with
Instead of communicating through electronic devices that seem very rigid and impersonal, a heartfelt handwritten letter is usually more effective at dealing with difficult problems.
- Handwriting will be more useful because it feels more personal to the reader. In addition to being more friendly, it shows that you are writing the letter with care and kindness so that the recipient will realize that you want to make up.
- Although some people communicate well in writing, they still express their thoughts and feelings in person or over the phone. If you are one of them, writing a letter can be a useful option.
- In the letter, explain how you feel and why you want to address the problem. Use the word "I" or "I" more than the word "you" so that what is conveyed is your own perspective without blaming anyone and you are not speaking for others. Describe the impact you experience as a result of the conflict, suggest a solution, and give reasons.
Step 5. Resolve family problems due to young children's behavior
At times, the child is the cause of family problems, for example because he does not respect others, fights with siblings, or neglects to do chores. If he is very young, try to deal with the problem in a different way.
- Explain the problem that is happening to the child that is causing the problem, for example: "I see that you have trouble getting up early and are often late for school. I want to help you solve this problem."
- Instead of scolding your child, ask him to think of a solution by suggesting ways to solve the problem with your help.
- Provide positive reinforcement if he progresses while trying to solve the problem. Try to find out the real root of the problem, for example: does he have a hard time getting up early because he is accessing social media so late at night?
- Don't let your child do what he wants to cause problems. Show affection and a desire to work things out because you care about him and want to make things right.
Method 4 of 4: Accepting the Circumstances
Step 1. Define boundaries
If family problems are triggered by family members who behave negatively so that you are harmed or very disturbed, there is nothing wrong if you keep your distance and set boundaries. In fact, this is exactly what you should do.
- Ask yourself if he did negative things to you, for example: emotionally draining you, hurting you financially, putting you down, and so on.
- You have the right to set boundaries to protect yourself. For example: at a family gathering, you might meet him and still respect him. However, you will no longer want to visit his house or lend money because you have the right to do so.
- Clarify your desired boundaries in a friendly and polite, but firm manner. For example: You don't want to stay at his house because there are always fights when you visit. So, you choose to stay at the nearest hotel.
Step 2. Know when it's time to give in
There are family problems that cannot be resolved or take a long time to resolve. In the end, you are forced to accept the fact that you have to cut ties with him for a while even though this is quite sad.
- Recognize that there are family problems that cannot be overcome, for example: grief over the loss of a loved one or because your parents can't accept you for who you are. If you've been trying to communicate and maintain a good relationship, but to no avail, just forget about the problem at hand and try to live your life as best you can.
- Even if family problems are very personal, it's time to consider breaking up with your family if you have been physically or sexually abused by yourself or others. This is completely intolerable. Violence must be reported to the police or child protection agency.
- Serious acts of violence that continue to interfere with your life can be one of the causes of family problems. If you've tried to help him, but he continues to refuse, disconnect so that your life can return to peace.
Step 3. Get counselling
This advice does not necessarily apply to everyone. Very painful and detrimental family problems can only be solved with professional help. Do it this way if other attempts don't work. Don't be shy about asking other people for help.
- If a family member refuses to attend counseling, come alone. A professional therapist can help you determine the best way to deal with troubled people and work through family breakdowns. For some, reading books about family relationships and joining a supportive group can be helpful.
- Professional assistance is sometimes the only solution to restore relationships if family problems occur because one of the parties to the conflict has a mental disorder or commits acts of violence. There are problems so complex that they cannot be solved alone.
- The counselor is able to listen in a neutral manner so that he or she can offer advice or point out conflict triggers that you didn't think of because you've been through it yourself.
