Asexuals, who often refer to themselves as Aces, are people who feel they have no sexual attraction to other people of any gender (despite the vast scope and leeway in it). If you're new to being asexual and want some advice, or if your partner is an asexual, read the following article.
Step
Method 1 of 4: Understanding Asexuality
Step 1. Be a natural person
If you are "not" an asexual by nature, you cannot make yourself asexual. If you are naturally asexual, you cannot make yourself sexual. Regardless of outside pressure, you shouldn't try to pretend to be someone else. You can pretend to feel a certain way for a while, but eventually your 'mask' will come off. There is nothing wrong with your sexuality, regardless of your preferences. Be yourself, because you are great in your own way.
Step 2. Don't feel limited to labels
What you have to understand is that human sexuality is very complex: there is no one-size-fits-all label, and even if you did find the perfect label, it probably won't be perfect all the time. With that in mind, don't let people push labels on you and don't feel compelled to push labels on you. Do what makes you feel comfortable.
Step 3. Distinguish the different types of attraction
For asexuals, it is very important to understand that there are different types of attraction. There is sexual attraction and romantic attraction. Today, by definition, asexuals do not feel sexual attraction, but can feel romantic attraction.
- Sexual attraction, are attracted to someone who makes you want to have sex or have sexual activity with them.
- Romance attraction is the feeling of being romantically attracted to someone. Some people describe it as a desire for a date or an activity that is considered romantic with that person.
- Alterous attraction is the feeling of being attracted to a combination of platonic and romantic, or something different, to someone.
- Aesthetic appeal is an attraction to someone who is beautiful to look at.
- Sensual attraction is the desire to have physical intercourse with someone. While it's not always romantic or sexual, this attraction can also be.
- Platonic attraction is an attraction to someone as a friend, or a desire to be friends with them.
- The thing to understand is, all of these types of attraction can overlap. So you don't have to be able to determine orientation towards one of them, and that behavior doesn't determine your orientation.
Step 4. Distinguish one sexual need from another
Asexuals often also distinguish between a physical need for sexual release, which they perceive as a desire or such as having to use the bathroom, and a desire to have sexual intercourse with another person. If you feel the need to masturbate (even for porn or other sexual fantasies), for example, but lose interest when you think about certain people, you may be asexual.
Step 5. Find information
There is a wealth of information and an active asexual community on the internet. You can also seek information through a local school counselor or clinic. This information can help you better understand your condition and feelings, as well as connect you with other people.
There is another label, called “questioning”, that may come in handy during this period, if you are unsure of yourself
Step 6. Find people like you
Meeting other people who are questioning, asexual, or Queer Flag of Awesome can help give you a platform to discuss your feelings and find out if you're normal. There are others who are just like you! Join internet groups or forums to find people who share ideas.
Step 7. Accept the changes
Just because you decide that the label asexuality might apply to you now, doesn't mean it will last forever. You may have been sexual in the past and you may be sexual in the future. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty because your wants and needs change over time.
Method 2 of 4: Opening Yourself
Step 1. Don't feel pressured
Opening up is a very personal experience. If you ask when is the right time to open up, the answer is only "when you feel it's right". Don't let other people convince you when or not to open up. If you want to tell people, tell them. If you don't want to, don't. Keep in mind, however, that when you're in a relationship with someone, it's a good idea to let them know as soon as possible. It's not going to get any easier and waiting too will only create problems.
Step 2. Set aside some time
When opening up to someone, carefully choosing the time and place is a good idea. Choose a quiet time, when you will have plenty of time to talk, and when you are both calm and nice.
Step 3. Be honest
Open yourself up and state that you are asexual. Avoid unsure or apologetic language, just let them know how you feel because there's no reason to be embarrassed. If the situation is particularly sensitive, you may need to fish first to find out what they think or know about asexuality, but instead it's best to start by saying something like:
"Hi, I wanted to talk to you about something that's important to me. Is that okay? Come on, sit down. I wanted to tell you, because you're so important to me, that I'm asexual."
Step 4. Describe asexuality
After you tell them about you. Ask if they know anything about asexuality and offer to explain to them what it is and how it works. You don't need to offer more personal details about your preferences than you would like.
- Create context. If this is a very new concept to someone, you may want to put it in terms they can understand. Use examples they can relate to and understand. Usually this is easiest by comparing examples of known cultures. Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory and some versions of the character Sheclock Holmes are described as asexual. You can also compare historical figures like Buddha.
- Find information. Looking for additional information available, especially for parents and significant others, is a good move (as they may be confused or worried). You can print some of the information out for them or send them digitally. However, ask if they want more information before giving it away. Pushing information to someone who has trouble accepting your confession can cause even more tension.
Step 5. Provide opportunities to ask questions
It's normal to have questions. Since asexuality isn't seen as common and some people don't even realize it exists, you shouldn't be offended when people have a hard time understanding this and you as well. Give them time to learn and let them know, explicitly, they can ask you questions and you will try your best to answer them.
Step 6. Set the desired limit
Tell them what you want and don't want to discuss, either before or after your basic explanation. This will help avoid offending questions. If you don't want to give details about how you feel, then say so. If you don't want a lot of questions about your private sex life, then let them know.
Method 3 of 4: Finding Relationships
Step 1. Find other asexuals
The easiest way to find a relationship for asexuals is to date other asexuals. You can meet and seek out these people through local support groups, using online dating services specifically for asexuals or by asking your friends to hook you up (if you're lucky).
Step 2. Find people with open minds
If you can't find other asexuals to date, or can't find anyone to connect with you on an emotional level, then maybe you should date a sexual person if you want to have a relationship. Try to bond with people you know are open-minded or who care deeply about you. The two of you may be able to make the relationship work, but it will require compromise on both sides.
Step 3. Let the relationship develop naturally
Never try to force a relationship on yourself or others. Just because someone you meet turns out to be asexual doesn't mean you two have to get married. Prioritize your feelings over just being in the relationship.
Step 4. Discuss your situation with your partner
If you decide you want to date someone who is sexual, after a certain period of time has passed, you should explain your situation. Explain as soon as you're comfortable, because dating asexually can be a huge commitment to a sexual person. Neither of you deserves to end up feeling hurt.
Even if you are both asexual, it might be a good idea to discuss your ideas about the relationship. Different asexuals will have different ideas about what they are comfortable and uncomfortable with and what they need and don't need
Step 5. State some ground rules
Regardless of who you're dating, perhaps setting some ground rules and each other's expectations early in the relationship is the right move. This will later help prevent awkwardness. Remember that everyone gets an opportunity to speak during a conversation and everyone's needs apply or deserve to be met. That is how healthy relationships work.
Method 4 of 4: Paying Attention to Relationships
Step 1. Keep communication open and smooth
The real key to a successful relationship is communication. Whenever you have a problem or feel a certain way, there should be a safe, supportive environment to discuss issues with one another.
Step 2. Find other ways to have fun together
In general, asexual relationships do not involve sex (although that is not absolute), but they do do other activities that a couple often does. You can go on a date, go to a musk event, attend a party… the sky is the limit. Remember that there is always something else to do besides sex. A relationship has more meaning than that.
Step 3. Find a release for your partner
If you are dating an asexual you need to respect the fact that they need sexual needs to be met. However, how to meet his needs depends on both of you. You can allow them to have sex with other people. You can choose to have sex with them out of love, rather than your own personal desire. You can choose to please them with toys, rather than your body. Discuss it and find something that works for both of you.
Step 4. Do what works for you
In the end, your entire relationship, no matter who you are with, will only be defined by what works for both parties. Don't let other people judge you or tell you how your relationship should look. In the end, if you and your partner are happy and content, that's all that matters.
Step 5. Identify mismatches
Even if you really like someone and you feel good dating them, there may still be things that aren't right for you or for them. If they have sexual needs that you can't meet, or if they can't respect your needs, then it's best to end the relationship.
Tips
- Asexuals are estimated to constitute about 1-2 percent of the human population. So don't feel (if you're asexual) that you're very alone or weird.
- Tumblr is a large community for LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender) + (now often called MOGAI for people with Marginalized Orientations, Gender identities, and Intersex)
