Everyone will feel happy if his words are heard. So it's natural to expect others to listen to your opinion, or understand how you feel. However, expressing yourself can backfire when you babble excessively, silence or irritate others, or when your words embarrass yourself.
To be a good friend or conversationalist, you must also be a good listener. If you're not sure if you've mastered the art of good conversation, consider some of these pointers and suggestions. Let's start with Step 1.
Step
Method 1 of 2: Determining If You're Talking Too Much
Step 1. Learn how your usual conversations are
Let's say you just went to lunch with a friend and are worried about whether you're dominating the whole conversation… again. Rethink the luncheon and get rid of the urge to defend yourself. That way, you'll clearly see if you're talking more than your friend. Ask the following questions as a guide:
- "Who talks the most?"
- "Did we talk more about myself or about my friends?"
- "How often do I interrupt my friend's words?"
Step 2. Don't limit this “analysis” to conversations that occur in social circles only
Also think about how you interact with everyone, including - but not limited to - bosses, coworkers, mothers, and restaurant employees.
Step 3. Learn how you tend to start a conversation
Do you start the conversation by telling a funny story about your life and sharing your opinion without being asked? Or, do you prefer to ask the other person questions and give him the opportunity to tell his story, tell what is going on in his life and give his opinion? A good conversation provides equal opportunities among the participants so that there is a balance. Sheryl Sandberg advises us to be more assertive, not to attack in order to gain more authority, but that you will monopolize the conversation if you focus too much on yourself.
Step 4. Pay attention to the other person's body language
Do they roll their eyes when you start talking, or maybe tap their feet impatiently? Are they unfocused, with a vacant gaze or a splitting concentration when you start to explain something? Do they just nod and occasionally mumble “yes, yes” and “ooh” without seeming enthusiastic or wanting you to explain further? Or, worse, do they ignore you altogether when you open your mouth, look away and start talking to the person next to them? The most obvious cues are very simple, the other person might say something like “you talk too much” and walk away. These can all be indicators of whether you're boring people or getting frustrated by talking too much. If the above cues are a consistent factor in your speech, it is likely that you are talking too much.
Step 5. Take notes every time you accidentally talk more than you originally intended, otherwise known as too much information
Are you often found giving out detailed information that you don't really want to reveal? A friend's secret or your own troubles, which are sometimes embarrassing? Or, maybe you've been slipping into harsh or hurtful opinions about other people. Notice how often this happens in everyday conversation.
You can carry a notepad and take notes whenever you feel like slipping away. Knowing how often this happens will help you
Method 2 of 2: Talk Less, Listen More
Step 1. Fix this problem
Once you've done your self-analysis and concluded that you're talking too much and want to fix it, it's time to take serious action to limit the conversation. Don't immediately think "I know, but I can't change". If you are able to learn how to do something complex, such as playing a musical instrument, computer games, cooking, gardening, and so on, trust me you can learn to work around these problems too. This section will give you some solutions.
Step 2. Strive to listen more and talk less
Listening shows that you are interested in the other person and what he or she wants to say. One would be flattered to have such a good listener because, secretly, everyone likes to talk about themselves. No topic is more interesting than themselves. Remember, if you give the other person a chance to talk (ask open-ended questions, don't interrupt, tune into their body language and make eye contact), and ask lots of follow-up questions, they'll think you're a great conversationalist even if you don't need to talk much. Some people think that if they talk the most it means they are the best. Using the following analogy, if an invited guest to dinner takes up more than half of the food served to everyone, would you consider him or her a great guest? Absolutely not. You may find him rude, selfish and lacking in social skills.
Step 3. Don't try to fill all the gaps
This is important to note when speaking in groups. Pauses are sometimes a moment of thought for the speaker, as well as an opportunity to emphasize what has been said. Some people tend to need a moment to think and formulate answers carefully. Don't feel obligated to fill in any gaps that occur. By doing so you mess up the speaker's moment and break his concentration. If you're trying to fill all the gaps, it means you're taking up more talk and people will think you're interrupting them. Wait 5 seconds, look around, and if no one wants to talk, ask questions instead of giving opinions or statements. Most importantly, don't interrupt with "funny" stories. It would be better if you ask them questions about themselves.
Step 4. Don't give away all the trivial details or information about the subject you are discussing
You'll sound like you're giving a lecture. It's a good idea to give a brief summary or answer questions directly, and wait to see if the other person really wants you to provide more information. If so, they will ask more questions. Otherwise, they will respond like “ooh” or nonverbal cues that the information is sufficient and they do not need more information.
Step 5. Remember that good conversation is like hitting the ball in a game of tennis
If someone asks you a question, for example “How was your vacation?”, give a short, straightforward answer about your vacation and your enjoyable vacation experience. Then, repay her kindness by giving her a chance to speak. Ask similar questions like “How was your vacation, do you have any plans to travel this year?” or “Enough about me, how was your weekend? How is your family?
Step 6. Don't mention the other person's name in the conversation
If the other person won't know that "Bima" is your neighbor, be sure to start the comment with "My neighbor Bima" or explain in the next sentence. Saying someone else's name will frustrate listeners. It can make them feel like they're not part of the conversation or stupid, or think you're showing off in an indirect way.
Step 7. Speak slowly
You may already know this, but nowadays there are more and more people who talk fast, perhaps because of the influence of the fast-paced world of technology all around us. Sometimes people get excited and start babbling non-stop. They are so impatient with what they have to say that they forget the fact that it takes two people to have a conversation. This attitude shows selfishness. Sometimes you just need to remind yourself to be calm.
- Take a deep breath and control yourself before breaking your big news to friends.
- In short, think before you speak. Honestly, your special story will have a bigger impact if you take the time to think about what to say and how to say it.
Step 8. If you have no other choice, at least try not to interrupt other people's conversations
In today's fast-paced world, many people deliberately interrupt other people's words with the excuse of wanting to save time or under the guise of not wanting to waste other people's time. Too many people are so insensitive to talk in such a selfish way. It's not uncommon for someone to rudely interrupt and unobtrusively rob you of a chance to finish a sentence, then find the other person spouting a personal story, thought, or comment, and blabbering incessantly. Basically, the behavior states “I don't think you're attractive enough. So, I will say what I want to say because I think I am much more attractive.” This action ignores the most basic rule of human interaction, namely respect. So the next time you get into a conversation, whatever the topic is, don't forget to listen. Personal input can be a fun way to express yourself, but don't sacrifice other people's feelings. So, just do it. That way, you can have the honor of being a “good listener.”
Step 9. Consider cause/effect
Ask yourself why you are so chatty. Do you rarely get a chance to be heard? Were you ignored or barred from talking as a child? Do you feel unworthy? Do you feel lonely from hiding yourself all day? Are you nervous about drinking too much caffeine? Are you often pressed for time and have to adapt by increasing your speaking speed? The effect that tends to occur when someone speaks quickly and ramblingly is to overwhelm and exhaust the other person so that they try to find a polite enough way to get out of the conversation. If you notice you're talking too much, try to take some time to control yourself; take a deep breath and remind yourself that you can "reset" your speaking habits by calming yourself down and working on improving them.
Step 10. Learn to express yourself in a way that comforts others
You will find it helpful. If you like storytelling, learn to tell a good story and that means staying focused on the topic, keeping the listener entertained, speaking at a good pace and keeping the listener's interest.
- Concise is an important factor. If you can tell it in fewer words, the listener is likely to laugh or be moved.
- Practice telling some of your best stories. Take a drama class. To get the attention you crave, try participating in a talent show or stand up comedy. If you're entertaining enough, people won't mind if you talk a lot and you'll attract shy people who prefer to let other people dominate the conversation.
Tips
- When greeting someone for the first time (coworkers, friends on the weekends, dates), make sure you take turns saying "how are you, how's your day'" in turns until the conversation comes to a single topic. Do not answer the greeting "how are you" just like that and then start babbling at length without replying to the greeting by asking how he is. A greeting, to some extent, is considered a verbal “hug” and reassures the other person that you really enjoy talking to him or her. You have plenty of time to tell your story, there's no need to jump right into the conversation with it.
- If you notice that you're talking too much, don't be afraid to stop right away and say, “Oh, I'm sorry. I talk too much. What did you say earlier about (mention something he said earlier, or was he trying to say)? Being honest with your tendency to talk too much creates empathy and shows that you're aware of it.
- Breaking a bad habit or bad behavior takes time. Do not be discouraged. Maybe you can consider asking a good friend for support. There's nothing wrong with choosing a coach.
- Strive to be an active listener by frequently asking the other person relevant questions or/and follow-up questions.
- Learn to be comfortable when there are breaks. Count to 5 after the other person has finished their sentence. Continue counting to 10, but don't forget to nod, and say “ooh”, “hmm” or “really?” This technique will help reduce your awkwardness with pauses and signal to the other person that you are interested in what he has to say and give him the opportunity to follow through without worrying about being interrupted.
- When eating together, pay attention to the plate of your interlocutor. If they're eating at a normal pace, but there's a lot more food on your plate than they are, it means you're talking too much. It's time you put the brakes on talking a little.
- Don't be afraid to apologize if someone says, directly or indirectly, that you talk too much. You can use it as an opportunity to break the habit by talking less and listening more.
- Ask someone you trust to help you quietly signal if you are starting to fall back into old habits. Asking him to intervene will help improve the direction of the conversation.
- If you're a girl, pay attention to who says you talk too much. If you don't hear complaints from female friends and family members, but male friends always complain about them, you may be in the habit of expecting equality when talking to guys. Same-sex conversations are usually split 50-50 between participants, unless someone is shy or talks too much. You have to hold yourself back if you start to master or more of the conversation. However, in conversations involving people of the opposite sex, men usually expect to get share of the conversation and will feel uncomfortable if women start to exceed their allotted. You can check it using a transcript and decide whether to take action, such as changing your behavior or confronting a male friend or family member by telling the truth and asking them to change their behavior.
