Your feelings may hurt when someone says you're being manipulative, but that attitude can actually be stopped. You can show this attitude when you grew up or were surrounded by people who were also manipulative. Sometimes, manipulation is seen as the only way to fulfill your childhood needs. However, this attitude can destroy relationships with other people so it is important that you recognize the manipulative behavior and stop it. After that, replace the bad behavior with a healthier communication strategy so you can build a closer relationship.
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Method 1 of 3: Recognizing Manipulative Behavior
Step 1. Observe whether you often make others feel guilty or ashamed in order to get what they want
This habit for example crying, whining, or frowning. You may be able to get what you want by making the other person feel guilty, but this is not a healthy behavior or attitude. If you keep acting like this, other people will pull away from you over time.
- Whenever you try to control someone's feelings, you are actually being manipulative.
- For example, you might say, “If you really loved me, you would have to stay home with me tonight”, “My friends wouldn't believe that you treat me like this”, or “I hate working with you because I have to work with you. more work." The purpose of these questions is to get the other person to do something for you.
Step 2. Pay attention to whether you often lie or distort reality
These habits include changing the meaning of one's own speech or deliberately misinterpreting the words of others. You may also be hiding something in order to get what you want.
- For example, you may have said, "I'm not going anywhere tonight." However, after that you actually say "I mean, I want us to stay at home tonight" to the "victim" of manipulation.
- In another example, your coworker might say that he or she will be late in submitting his assignment because the client changed the schedule of a meeting or meeting. You might manipulate your boss into taking your side by saying, “I finished this assignment three days ago, but I have to keep in touch with him to get him to finish his report. If this is the case, I can work on the report myself."
Step 3. Observe if you often don't give something to get what you want
It can be easy for you to manipulate someone by not giving them what they want, such as sex, money, favors, or love. Manipulative behavior is also reflected when you close yourself off or are reluctant to talk to other people.
- You may gain temporary control by hiding or withholding something from someone, but in the end the other person will turn away from you.
- For example, you may have said, "Don't call me until you're ready to apologize!" or “I'm not going to help you with your homework anymore until you're willing to admit your mistake.”
Step 4. Consider whether you often blame others for your own actions
It may be difficult for you to take responsibility for your own feelings or actions. This can encourage you to “repackage” the situation so that the blame lies with the other person. You can also spread gossip about someone to get the other person on your side.
For example, let's say you missed a visit to the doctor because you overslept. Instead of accepting your own fault for not getting up when the alarm goes off, you're blaming your partner for keeping you up or not waking you up. If he accepts the blame, you don't have to feel guilty about your own mistakes
Step 5. Notice if the wishes are often not clearly stated
This means that you may only be giving “hints about what you want, rather than stating it directly and clearly. This habit is an unhealthy way to get what you want, and can actually lead to conflict.
- For example, instead of telling your friend that you want to see a movie with them, you might say, "I don't think I have anything on Sunday night."
- As another example, let's say you're upset that some coworker went to lunch without asking you. A healthy way to deal with a situation like this is to talk to them in person to explain that going forward, you want to join them for lunch. However, you may be tempted to manipulate the situation by gossiping about a coworker who suggested having lunch together, or trying to get him involved in an unrelated matter.
Step 6. Realize whether you often create “drama” between people for your own benefit
You may have manipulated your friends, relatives, and coworkers to make them like you more than anyone else. This habit includes gossiping and instigating an argument or problem between two people to get both of them to come to you for support and a friend. However, this kind of behavior is unhealthy and certainly unfair to others.
- While this behavior may pay off temporarily, it's possible that people will notice what you're doing. When they come to their senses, you could lose a friend. Therefore, it would be better if you are honest with other people.
- For example, you might become your parent's favorite child by saying nice things in front of them and pretending to be perfect. Other times, you always report problems or misbehavior by your brother or sister to make them look bad in the eyes of your parents.
- As another example, you might encourage everyone to stay away from a co-worker you don't like by saying that he or she is spreading rumors about you, even though you're actually the one talking about that coworker.
Method 2 of 3: Changing Manipulative Attitudes
Step 1. Hold yourself back as you begin to notice the manipulative behavior that appears
Get away from the situation so that you can reflect on what you are doing. After that, talk to the person concerned about the situation at hand and how you feel. As much as possible, speak honestly and clearly, without beating around the bush.
- It doesn't matter if you need to be alone to straighten out or process your feelings. Sometimes, it is difficult to change one's attitude or behavior. You can take small steps gradually.
- If you notice manipulative behavior while talking to someone, you don't need to clarify your speech. Just say, "Sorry to interrupt, but I think I need to think for a moment." Alternatively, you can ask permission to go to the bathroom for the privacy you need.
Step 2. Listen to the other person's perspective on the situation
It's possible that you're only looking at things from a personal point of view and this prompts you to manipulate others to get what you want. By considering other people's feelings, you can stop being manipulative. Let the other person share how he feels about what's going on, and consider everything he has to say without thinking about how you might respond. After that, make a compromise so that both parties are not harmed.
For example, you might want to go out on a Friday night, but your partner wants to meet up and spend time with their friends. Instead of making him feel guilty to fulfill your wish, listen to his feelings about the situation. After that, find a way for both of you to feel satisfied and happy. For example, the date could be rescheduled for Saturday so that the two of you can spend Friday with each other
Step 3. Accept that you can't always get what you want
Having a wish fulfilled does make you happy, but no one can always get what they want. If you always win or get what you expect, there is a chance that the people around you will have to give in and give up their own desires. Be open to compromise so that as much as possible everyone gets justice.
- If what you want is so important to you, there's nothing wrong with expressing it.
- For example, you may want to get a project or work that is actually assigned to someone else. However, it is not healthy for you to lie about the person to destroy his or her reputation at work. While these lies may land you on your next project, overall this habit can damage your career and personal reputation. In addition, the victim of a lie will obviously be offended.
- As another example, let's say you have Wednesday off and want to go for a walk, but your partner wants to stay home. Instead of making him feel guilty for not fulfilling your wish, try ordering food and watching a movie together.
Step 4. Take responsibility for your own needs and feelings
You are in control of your own actions and reactions. Ask yourself what makes you feel that way, then do something to make you feel better.
- While it may feel bitter at first, accepting responsibility for one's own thoughts and actions can be self-reinforcing.
- For example, let's say you feel lonely and want friends to visit, even though they are busy. Instead of saying, for example, "I don't think you guys care about me" to get them to come, you can do fun activities yourself. For example, you could watch your favorite movie or maybe go shopping.
Step 5. Ask a counselor for help if you are having trouble changing your attitude
Changing your attitude or behavior can be very difficult, and you may not be able to do it on your own. A counselor or therapist can help you identify the behavior that needs to change and treat the cause. They can also help you learn new, healthier behaviors.
You can look for information on counselors or therapists from the internet
Method 3 of 3: Building Healthy Relationships
Step 1. State what you want frankly instead of manipulating others
No one can read your mind, and only you know what you want. Tell your spouse, relatives, friends, and coworkers clearly what you need. Even if they refuse, you can still discuss how you feel and try to compromise.
- This is the most important step to stop manipulative behavior.
- You can say, “I want you to contact me more often”, “I want to change the division of our workload”, or “I feel sad when I am not invited to the event.” That way, the other person can clearly know what you want. Even if it doesn't give you what you want, it's at least a starting point for building healthy compromises.
Step 2. Accept the refusal or “no” answer, without making the other person feel guilty
You may want to make plans with someone or ask for help. Sometimes, the person in question rejects your plan (or can't help). Instead of trying to make him feel guilty to do what you want, it's better to accept his answer or decision.
- Say you want to ask a brother or sister to watch over the children so you can leave. If he refuses your request, just say thank you and try to find another way. Don't just say, "Oh, you don't like playing with your nephew, do you?"
- As another example, you might want your boss to give you time off on a busy workday, but he or she refuses the request. Don't cry out loud or say, for example, "I should have known that you would reject this application because here, I'm the only employee who never gets time off."
Step 3. Respect other people's boundaries
Manipulative people often have no boundaries. Let the other person have his own personal space, and respect his decision. Also, don't try to change other people.
- For example, don't keep contacting someone if they're emphatically saying that they need to be alone.
- If you are not satisfied with your partner's behavior, talk to them and make a deal. Don't try to manipulate them into being the perfect match. For example, you might want your partner to change the way they dress, but comments like “Wow! You look like a bum! Aren't you ashamed when your co-workers feel that you don't look professional?” reflects manipulative behavior. Therefore, try to let him be what he wants.
Step 4. Repay the kindness that others give
Manipulative people often take advantage of others, but you can avoid this behavior by returning the favor. Show gratitude for the kindness the other person has shown, and give something in return if it feels right.
- For example, say a sincere thank you when someone gives you a gift. You can also return the favor at a later time when you can.
- As another example, let's say someone wants to take your place at work so you can take time off. If one day he needs to take time off, offer to take his place.
Step 5. Do good without expecting anything in return
Of course it's nice when other people repay the kindness you do. However, expecting someone to show a certain attitude after you've done something good is manipulative. Apply the principle of "sincerity" when you do good or give something to others.
- Let's say you buy coffee for a coworker. Don't expect him to have to buy you coffee the next time he goes somewhere.
- As another example, you might offer to watch someone's children when they are in a difficult situation. Don't expect him to pay you or give you a gift in return, unless the person in question has offered it in the first place.
