Having a stalker is an uncomfortable or frightening situation, depending on the severity. Stalking often escalates into another form of criminal violence, so if you think you're being stalked, you should take steps to distance yourself from the stalker and protect yourself and your family.
Step
Method 1 of 5: Identifying the Stalker
Step 1. Know what qualifies as stalking
Stalking is a type of nuisance, which is the act of making inappropriate and repeated contact with you that you don't reply to or want.
- Stalking may be private, i.e. when someone is following you, spying on you, or approaching you at home or work.
- The following are signs of stalking: receiving unwanted gifts, being followed, receiving letters or emails, receiving unwanted or repeated phone calls.
- Stalking can also occur online, in the form of cyber stalking or cyber bullying. These types of contacts may be difficult to trace, but they are much easier to avoid by changing your online privacy settings or email address.
- All instances of cyber stalking that later transition to private stalking should be seriously considered and addressed immediately.
Step 2. Determine your stalker type
Some types of stalkers are more dangerous than others, and knowing what type of stalker you are dealing with can help when it comes to reporting to the police in a proper way and to protect yourself when necessary.
- Most stalkers are known to be simple stalkers. These are individuals you know, who may have been in a romantic relationship or friendship in the past. The relationship ends for you, but not for them.
- Love-obsessed stalkers are individuals you've never met (or casual acquaintances) who cling to you and think they're related to you. People who stalk celebrities fall into this category.
- Stalkers who have psychotic fantasies about relationships with their victims often go from unwanted attention to threats or intimidation. When this fails, the threat can escalate into violence.
- Sometimes the abuser in an abusive relationship or marriage becomes a stalker, stalks their ex-partner and watches from afar, then moves closer, and finally repeats or escalates the violent attack. This is one of the most dangerous stalkers.
Step 3. Feel how big the danger is
Casual acquaintances who develop obsessions and come to your place of residence occasionally or often may turn out to be harmless. A threatening ex-husband may try to kill you if your alertness declines.
- If you are being stalked online, decide if it is possible that the stalker has information about your real life. Make sure you maintain a secure online presence and never share your home address or even your city of residence on public pages.
- You have to trust your instincts, know the person's behavioral history (if you are aware of it), and be realistic about the dangers that may involve you.
- If you believe that you or a family member is in danger, you should seek help at your local police station or violence victims service organization.
- If you think danger is imminent, call emergency services immediately.
Step 4. Be a smart observer
If you believe you're being stalked, you need to be more observant of your surroundings. Pay attention to anyone acting oddly or unfamiliar vehicles in or near your workplace. Make sure you take note of anything that looks unusual.
Method 2 of 5: Keeping Away
Step 1. Avoid contact with the stalker
Stalkers often feel that they are in a relationship with the victim, and any contact the victim makes with them is seen as an endorsement of a “relationship”, which does not really exist. If you're being stalked and want to avoid it, don't call, text, or talk to the stalker in private.
Step 2. Avoid unintentional signs or messages
Sometimes victims of stalking scream or talk to their stalker, but even your obvious rudeness can be mistaken for a stalker (who is usually mentally disturbed) as a communication of affection or attraction.
If you are being stalked online, do not respond to any messages of any kind, regardless of how angry you are. Just print the message for proof and leave the computer
Step 3. Hide your personal information
If the stalker doesn't have your personal information such as your phone number, home address, or email address, don't let them find it.
- Don't give out your phone number out loud to anyone in public. If you have to give a phone number, try using a work phone, or write down the number and tear it up.
- Avoid writing down your home address. In extreme cases of stalking, you may need to obtain a PO Box as a mailing address to reduce the chance of having to give someone else your home address.
- Do not share your home or work address information on the internet or social media. This will give the cyber stalker a chance to find you personally.
Step 4. Get a protective command
In cases of repeated stalking or a stalker with a history of violence, you can get a protective order that legally requires the stalker to stay away from you. But be aware, these actions have the potential to anger the stalker and lead to violence.
Step 5. Move to an undisclosed location
In extreme cases of stalking that has the potential to become a crime, you may decide to move to a new location. If this is your decision, consider consulting an organization such as the Protection of Women Victims of Violence for advice on how to make yourself disappear completely.
- Don't have your papers delivered directly to the new home.
- Be careful when registering as a voter in a new place. You can request anonymous registration.
- When you buy a house, your name will be in the public records as the owner of the land. Sometimes these records are tied to accessible data, so you may need to rent a house to stay anonymous.
Method 3 of 5: Asking for Help
Step 1. Share your problem with several people
While you don't want to post it on social media or announce to a group of people that you have a stalker, it's important to let others know so that when something happens, you have a witness. You can tell your parents, boss, one or two coworkers, spouse, neighbors, and office management or doorman if you live in an apartment building.
- If possible, show them a photo of your stalker. Otherwise, provide a detailed description.
- Tell them what to do if they see the stalker around, whether you're around or not. Should they contact you? Call the police? Ask the stalker to leave?
Step 2. Report stalking and threats to the police
Even if stalking is remote and not malicious, you may still need to tell the police.
- Make sure you include all signs of stalking, as the police must have evidence of at least 2-3 unwanted contacts before they can charge someone with stalking.
- Be aware that the authorities may not be able to do anything until the stalking escalates or approaches the point of threat or violence.
- Ask what you should do to track incidents, when and when to call the police if needed, and if they have any suggestions for developing a security plan.
- Keep calling the police if you feel they are not taking your first complaint seriously.
Step 3. Report the stalking to another authorized individual
If you are a student, notify the campus authorities about the stalking. This authority could be a campus security officer, counselor, or hostel director.
If you're not sure who to tell, start with a trusted friend or family member who may be able to help you find the right party
Step 4. Warn your family about the danger
When you are in danger, your family may also be in danger. You should tell the family about the problem and how to deal with it.
- If you have children, this may be a tough conversation, but it could save their life.
- If the stalker is a family member, there may be divisions between family members. While this may be difficult, remember that you want to protect yourself, and that the stalker must be held accountable for his or her illegal actions.
Step 5. Seek help from organizations that work on stalking or violence prevention
If you're not comfortable talking to friends, family, or the police, try resources that specialize in violence prevention. There are several resources that can provide counseling and help you plan, especially for women and children.
Step 6. Create a security plan
If you feel that stalking is on the rise, you need a security plan. This could be something as simple as 100% keeping your phone close at hand to make it easy to call for help or having a full bag and tank of gas in your car.
- Avoid being alone in hazardous situations, such as walking to and from work or home, especially at night.
- Make sure you share your security plan with a trusted friend. You can also make a "checkout" plan, in which if he doesn't hear from you by the appointed time, he'll call you and then call the police if he can't reach you.
Step 7. Request a security check on your home
A security service company or the police can provide a security check on your home to make sure there are no hidden recording devices or a risk of snooping into your home.
- When you schedule an inspection, ask the person you are working with to provide a physical description of the person who will be conducting the inspection at your home.
- Ask for a letter of appointment to the person who will check when they arrive.
Method 4 of 5: Gathering Evidence
Step 1. Save everything in written form
When you receive emails, social media messages, handwritten notes, or gifts, save them. Your first instinct may be to destroy everything related to the stalker that you're already uncomfortable with, but it's best to keep all the evidence in case you have to build a case against him.
- Print all electronic correspondence. Make sure the date and time details are also printed.
- Storing these things doesn't mean you have to look through them. Place it in a box and store it on the top shelf of a closet or basement.
Step 2. Record a phone call or voice message
You can download a recording program for your cell phone or set a call to a loudspeaker and use an old recording device. Make sure you save any threatening or violent voicemails so you can report them to the authorities.
Step 3. Be an observer at all times
Unfortunately, one of the best strategies for dealing with stalkers is to be a little paranoid and not let down your guard. If you're a little paranoid, you're likely to see subtle signs of inappropriate contact or escalating behavior.
Step 4. Write notes in a journal
If you are drafting a case for a restraining order or filing a police report, it will be easier to do so if you record the stalking activity that has made you uncomfortable.
- Make sure you include the date and time.
- Journals can also be used to determine behavioral habits and the likelihood of catching or avoiding stalkers.
Step 5. Watch for changes in behavior or escalation
Stalkers can be violent very quickly. If you start seeing signs or even have a feeling that something is about to happen, let the authorities know and ask for help. Some signs of escalation are:
- Increased contact frequency or attempts to contact
- Increased threat severity
- An increase in showing stronger emotions or words.
- Closer physical encounter
- Improved contact with friends or other family members
Method 5 of 5: Sending Clear Messages
Step 1. Tell the stalker that you are not interested in a relationship
If you believe that the stalker has no violent motives and will back off in a confrontation, you can try talking to him directly. Telling the stalker that you're not interested in any kind of relationship with him might turn him off.
- Consider inviting others to help protect you in the event of an escalation in violence and to act as witnesses to the conversation.
- Try not to be too kind when conveying your refusal. A good attitude towards the stalker can unintentionally push him in the wrong direction, and he may try to "read between the lines" and listen more to your tone of voice than your actual words.
Step 2. Make sure he knows that you will never be interested in a relationship
If you're sure the stalker isn't evil and will back off in a confrontation, make sure you let him know that the relationship will never happen. Saying that you're not interested in a "current" or "because you already have a boyfriend" relationship will leave him hopeful for a future relationship and won't deter the stalker. Be very clear that you don't – and never will, under any circumstances – want to be in a relationship with him.
Step 3. Don't use emotional language
It can be difficult to talk to the stalker when you are scared or angry. It's important to stay calm, avoid yelling or swearing, and speak clearly and directly. Anger can be mistaken for passion, just as sympathy or kindness can be mistaken for affection.
Step 4. Ask for support during this communication
It's best not to have this conversation alone. Ask someone for help, but you need to make sure that the friend you bring will not be perceived as a threat or rival by the stalker. You may want to bring along a friend of the same gender as you, as long as you both feel safe dealing with the stalker.
Step 5. Don't meet a stalker with a history of violence
If you have experienced violence at the hands of the stalker, or if he has threatened you, you should not contact or talk to him alone. Consult the police or violence victims service on how to send a clear message to malicious stalkers.
Tips
- Stay in large groups if you can.
- Make sure you and your friend have a good cover before ending the friendship, that's what friends are for.
- Make sure you're not paranoid and label other people as stalkers when they really aren't.
- When a friend contacts you after years, they don't automatically become stalkers, many people try to contact old friends just to ask how they're doing.
- If someone is stalking you, it should be a cause for concern.
- Stalking is a crime, report it immediately.
- If you see the person several times in a row, they are not necessarily stalking you. Analyze the situation logically before making accusations.
Warning
- Don't be afraid to fight back if you are attacked. Your life may depend on your courage to fight back.
- Always report threats of violence to the police.
- Violent ex-partners are often stalkers, and they often use excessive force.
