Not all violence causes bumps or bruises. Sometimes, the violence that occurs is almost invisible and only leaves a deep wound for the victim. Although emotional abuse leaves no physical marks, it can have long-term negative effects on health and social, emotional, and physical development. Fortunately, there is still hope for you. As a child, the first step you can take is to talk to adults (eg teachers) at your school or neighborhood. Also set boundaries and keep your distance from your parents (this applies to all ages). Also, get mental health care and learn to manage the stresses that come with the emotional abuse you're facing.
Step
Method 1 of 4: Getting Help
Step 1. Share your experience with your friends or loved ones
You will feel more comfortable when you have someone to lean on in difficult times. Tell your loved ones what you are going through and ask for their support. They can give you positive words, accept and acknowledge your feelings or make suggestions for you.
- For example, you might say, “I know this may come as a shock, but my life at home is pretty bad. My mother often looked down on me and said that I would be a useless person in the future. Even if it's just words, it makes me feel uncomfortable with myself."
- Keep in mind that in emotional abuse, often the abuser makes you believe that no one will care, trust, or take you seriously. However, you will definitely be surprised by the amount of support you receive when you share your concerns with others.
Step 2. Share your problem with a trusted adult
As a child, when you faced violence at home, share your concerns with relatives, teachers, religious leaders, or other adults you trust. Don't let your parents (who were emotionally abusive) threaten you to keep things a secret. Adults can help mediate when children lack certain powers.
- You may feel awkward or embarrassed to share your experience with adults, but it's very important that you tell others that you have experienced violence. Start by saying, for example, “I've been having trouble at home lately. May I tell you?" Or, you can write about how you feel if you feel more comfortable telling it that way.
- If you've told the teacher or coach and they haven't helped you, schedule an appointment with the school counselor and tell him or her about your problem.
- If you don't want to talk about the violence you experienced face-to-face (one-on-one), contact the support service of the Ministry of Women and Children Protection at 082125751234, or the DP3AM service center (only for the city of Bandung) at 08001000425. You can contact this service for free and open for 24 hours every day.
Step 3. Seek mental health treatment
Emotional abuse can cause a lot of problems. Without treatment, you are at a higher risk of decreased self-esteem and confidence, and difficulty forming healthy relationships. You may find it difficult to break down the negative views and thought patterns that arise from emotional abuse, but a counselor or therapist can make the process easier.
- Find a therapist who focuses specifically on children and adults who experience violence. During therapy, you will share your experiences while (gradually) getting comfortable with the therapist working with you. He or she will ask you some questions and provide advice or help to guide you through the therapy session.
- As a child, you can take advantage of the confidential and free counseling services provided by the school. Go to your school counselor and say, for example, “There's a lot of trouble at my house. My father didn't beat me, but he insulted me and humiliated me in front of the rest of the family. Can you help me?"
- If you're an adult, find out if your health insurance can cover mental health care costs.
- Many therapists accept installment payments at a standard fee that is tailored to the ability of the customer.
Method 2 of 4: Keeping Your Distance
Step 1. Refrain from verbal abuse
Don't be near them when they start to abuse you. You have no obligation to keep in touch, call, or visit them (or, rather, face violence). Don't let your parents make you feel guilty and feel that you should accept bad treatment. Set boundaries and follow them.
- Do not visit or contact your parents if they continue to abuse you.
- If you live with your parents, go to your room or visit a friend's house if they start cursing or insulting you.
- Set boundaries if you have to keep in touch with your parents. You can say, "I'll call you once a week, but I'll hang up if you say mean things to me."
- Keep in mind that you don't have to get into an argument if you don't want to. You don't have to respond to what they say or try to defend yourself in any way.
Step 2. Achieve financial independence
Don't live with your parents, and don't let them dominate you. Perpetrators of violence often want to control their victims by cultivating a kind of dependence on their victims. Work for money, make friends, and live alone. Don't depend on your parents for anything if they are emotionally abusive to you.
- If you can, get your own education right. You might be able to figure out how to get a student loan (or maybe a scholarship) without the help or permission of your parents. To get it, you may need to include some kind of file from the mental health service confirming that your parents abused you.
- Move to another place as soon as you are able to support your own living expenses.
- If you can't afford to go to college without living or depending on your parents financially, make sure you take care of yourself and set boundaries.
Step 3. When the situation escalates, break up with your parents
You may feel an obligation to fulfill your duties as a child to your parents (especially given certain cultural or religious views). However, if your parents have been emotionally abusive, you may be compelled to continue caring for them, especially if violent behavior persists. Therefore, if your relationship with them brings you more pain than love, break up with them.
- You don't owe anything to the abuser (including your parents).
- If members of the public don't understand why you broke up with your parents, remember that you are under no obligation to explain why.
- Conversations with parents who are often emotionally abusive don't always end up improving the relationship. If you don't want to be in touch with them, but are afraid of missing out on an opportunity to improve your relationship, try asking yourself if your parents are showing signs that they are willing to listen to you and acknowledge your feelings. Otherwise, it would be better if you didn't get in touch with them.
- If you ultimately decide to treat them, focus the conversation on the topic of their care. If they verbally abuse or insult you, leave them immediately to make it clear that you cannot tolerate their behavior.
Step 4. Protect the children (if you are married and have children)
Don't let your children experience the same violence. If your parents say inappropriate things or insult your children, intervene immediately. You can also end the conversation or stop visiting them.
- You can end the conversation by saying, “As parents, we don't talk to Dewi that way. If you have a problem with the way you eat it, talk to me." While most conversations between adults should be private, it's important for your children to know that you protect them when they are being abused.
- Your children could have a happier childhood if they weren't abused by their grandparents.
Method 3 of 4: Taking Care of Yourself
Step 1. Avoid things that trigger violence by your parents
You may already know the "triggers" (whether words or actions) that provoked your parents' bad behavior. If you know it, it will be easier for you to avoid it or get out of situations that trigger emotional abuse. One way to identify it is to talk to a friend or write down the triggers in a journal so you can identify the factors that trigger emotional abuse.
- For example, if your mom always yells at you after she's had a drink, try leaving the house as soon as you see her carrying a bottle of alcohol.
- If your dad puts you down after you've made a certain achievement, refrain from telling him about your success. Instead, share your success with people who support you.
Step 2. Find a safe place in the house
Find a space (eg bedroom) that can be a safe place for you. Find another place to relax, do something, and spend time, such as the library or a friend's house. This way, you can not only get the support of your friends, but also distance yourself from the accusations and ridicule your parents make.
While protecting yourself from violence is prudent, you also need to realize that the violence you experience is not the result of your fault. No matter what you say or do, there is no reason for your parents to be emotionally violent
Step 3. Create a security plan
Just because the violence experienced is not physical, doesn't mean it can't escalate. Make a plan to save yourself if at any time your parent's violence turns into physical violence and you feel that your life is in danger.
- This plan includes having a safe place to go, having someone to call for help, and knowledge of how to take legal steps to take action against your parents. You can talk to other parents (eg school counselors) and come up with a plan to prepare for a crisis moment.
- Also, as part of the plan, make sure your phone is fully charged and has it with you at all times. If you have your own vehicle (eg a car or motorbike), make sure you carry your vehicle keys with you at all times.
Step 4. Spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself
Healthy self-esteem and confidence are the best medicine for dealing with the wounds of emotional abuse. Unfortunately, people who have experienced emotional abuse often view themselves negatively and form relationships with those who are emotionally abusive themselves. To counteract low self-esteem and self-confidence, spend time with your friends, family members (who are not emotionally abusive), and other people who can build your confidence rather than those who put you down.
You can also build self-esteem and confidence by participating in activities you enjoy (or are good at). Participate in sports activities or youth groups in your school or community. Participation like this can make you feel better and, of course, more busy with activities outside the home
Step 5. Set personal boundaries with your parents
You have the right to set boundaries in relationships. If you feel safe to do so, talk to your parents and tell them about the behaviors that make you feel comfortable, as well as those that don't make you feel comfortable.
- When explaining boundaries, determine the consequences if your parents ignore them. Sometimes, there are abusers who don't want to respect a person's personal boundaries. If this happens, don't feel guilty about bringing consequences for your parents' behavior. It is important that you point out the consequences for their behavior because empty threats will only undermine your credibility in the eyes of the perpetrator.
- For example, you could say, “Mom, if you come home drunk and bullied me again, I will go and live with Grandma. I want to live with mom, but mom's behavior scares me."
Step 6. Learn stress management skills
There's no question that emotional abuse can cause stress and, sometimes, long-term problems, such as post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. Therefore, develop ways to help you manage stress with positive activities.
Specific habits or activities for healthy stress management such as meditation, deep breathing techniques, and yoga can make you calmer and more in control in your daily life. If your stress symptoms are severe enough, try seeing a therapist to learn how to manage stress and other emotions that arise
Step 7. Identify and focus on positive traits
Despite the emotional abuse your parents did, you are a person of value and positive. Don't listen to their insults or ridicule. You may need to think about it for a moment, but it's important that you build self-esteem and love yourself, especially if you didn't get it from your parents.
- Think about what you like about yourself. Are you a good listener figure? Philanthrope? Intelligent? Focus on the things you love about yourself, and remember that you deserve love, respect, and care.
- Make sure you get involved in activities that you are interested in or are passionate about to help boost your self-esteem and confidence.
Method 4 of 4: Recognizing Emotional Violence
Step 1. Identify risk factors for emotional abuse
Emotional abuse can run in any family. However, there are several factors that increase the risk of emotional or physical abuse in children. Children whose parents were addicted to alcohol or drugs, untreated mental disorders (eg bipolar disorder or depression), or even childhood abuse are at greater risk of becoming victims of violence.
- Many perpetrators of emotional abuse (in this case, parents) are not even aware that their actions hurt their children's feelings. They may not know a better form of parenting, or may not realize that throwing their emotions at children is a form of violence.
- Even if your parents have good intentions, they can still be violent.
Step 2. Pay attention to when your parents insult or belittle you
Perpetrators may use it as a joke, but this form of violence is not something to be laughed at. If your parents often make fun of you, look down on you in front of others, or ignore your opinions or concerns, you may be experiencing emotional abuse.
- For example, if your father said, “You loser. Of course you can't do everything right!”, this is a form of verbal abuse.
- Your parents can be violent in private or in front of so many people that you feel uncomfortable with yourself.
Step 3. Determine if you often feel controlled by your parents
If your parents try to control everything you do, get angry when you make your own decisions, or ignore your abilities and independence, these behaviors are signs that you are experiencing emotional abuse.
- Perpetrators of this type of violence usually treat their victims as if they are unable to make good decisions or take responsibility for themselves.
- Your parents may want to make the decision for you. For example, your mother might visit your school and ask your counselor or mentor about a college you don't want to choose.
- Your parents may feel that what they are doing is “just” part of the upbringing, but their actions are actually a form of emotional abuse.
Step 4. Think about whether you are often accused or blamed for your mistakes
Sometimes, abusers have unrealistically high expectations of their victims, but are reluctant to admit their own faults.
- This abuser may find a way to blame you for anything, even things that logical thinking people wouldn't criticize. Your parents may say that you are the cause of their problems so they don't have to take responsibility for themselves and their feelings. They also make you responsible for their own emotions.
- For example, if your mother blamed you for giving birth to you and so she had to give up her singing career, she is blaming you for things that weren't your fault.
- If your parents say that their marriage fell apart “because of the kids,” they are blaming you for their own inability to get married.
- Blaming someone for something he didn't do is a form of violence.
Step 5. Think about whether you are often ignored or ignored by your parents
Parents who withdraw from their children and do not provide the emotional closeness their children need are actually showing a form of violence against children (emotionally).
- Do your parents ignore you if you do something to upset them, show no interest in your activities and emotions, or try to make you feel guilty when they distance themselves from you?
- Love and affection are things you don't have to bargain for. Such neglect is a form of emotional abuse.
Step 6. Think about whether your parents took your wishes into account
Sometimes, parents (especially those with narcissistic traits) only see their children as "extensions" of themselves. It can be difficult for such parents to want the best for their child, even when they believe they have your wishes in mind.
- Some signs of narcissism in parents include a lack of respect for the child's boundaries, wanting to try to manipulate the child into doing what they think is "best," and feeling angry if the child doesn't live up to unrealistic expectations.
- Parents may also feel very uncomfortable when you get attention and try to direct all attention to themselves.
- If you currently live with only one parent, he or she may make you feel guilty by saying, for example, “Yes, I know you want to party with your friends, but you will feel lonely at home. You always leave mom/dad." Speech like this is a form of emotional violence.
Step 7. Recognize normal parenting behavior
Children and teenagers sometimes make mistakes, and that is part of growing up and living life as human beings. It is your parents' job to provide direction and support, or to discipline you. Therefore, it is important for you to distinguish between normal discipline and violence.
- In general, dictionaries can tell if your parents' parenting style reflects a disciplinary process or is a form of violence by the level of anger they display. It's not uncommon for your parents to feel angry or resentful for a moment when you do something against the rules.
- However, if their anger triggers violence or punishment, there's a good chance your parents are at risk of violence against you. Such violence usually includes words or actions that are done recklessly, intentionally, or with the intention of hurting you.
- Even if you don't like strict disciplinary processes, understand that your parents set guidelines and consequences to protect you and direct you toward positive development.
- You can see the good relationship that your friends have with their parents. What's their relationship like? What kind of support and discipline do they get from their parents?
