Being assertive means being able to strike a balance between being passive and being aggressive. If you choose to be passive, you can never get what you want; and if you are aggressive, you will come across as a bully and unable to control your frustration. But if you're assertive, you'll be able to express what you want while respecting the wishes of others, and you'll have a better chance yourself of getting what you deserve.
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Part 1 of 8: Understanding the Difference between Being Assertive, Aggressive, and Passive
Step 1. Try to understand how to communicate assertively
Assertive communication requires respect for the feelings, needs, wants, and opinions of others. An assertive communicator will always try to avoid violating the rights of others when they assert their own rights, while trying to reach an agreement between the two parties. Assertive communicators will use actions and words to express the boundaries of their needs and wants in a calm manner, but can still convey the impression of confidence.
Step 2. Learn what are the characteristics of assertive communication
Signs that show assertive verbal communication are respect, sincerity and certainty. Signs of this communication can be:
- Soft yet firm voice
- Smooth and sincere
- Volume appropriate to the situation
- Cooperative and constructive
Step 3. Learn what are the characteristics of assertive nonverbal communication
Almost the same as the signs of verbal communication, nonverbal communication will be seen from the presence of assertive behavior and show respect, sincerity and confidence in oneself. The characteristics of this nonverbal communication can be:
- The ability to listen with full acceptance
- Make eye contact with each other
- Open body posture
- Smile when you're happy
- Pout when angry
Step 4. Learn what thoughts are associated with assertive communication
Assertive people will naturally be attracted to certain mindsets that show confidence in themselves and their respect for others. These thoughts can be expressed in a sentence:
- "I will not take advantage of anyone or attack others."
- “I will state my wish in a polite manner.”
- "I will express myself honestly and honestly."
Step 5. Try to understand what aggressive communication looks like
Assertiveness often creates confusion and is mistaken for aggression. Aggressive attitude is an attitude that does not respect other people, completely does not care about the needs, desires, views of others, and sometimes even ignores the safety of others. Aggressive communication can often be recognized by the presence of anger and/or behavior that is demanding, self-aggrandizing, and manipulation.
- Verbal characteristics of aggressive communication can be identified by their presence: harsh or demeaning words, blaming, shouting, threats, boasting about oneself, or insulting others.
- Nonverbal characteristics of aggressive communication can be seen from the attitude of: interfering with the privacy of others; clenching their fists, crossing their arms, pouting their faces, or looking at other people in a condescending manner.
- Thoughts associated with aggressive communication include: “I have power, and I'm sure someone will accept my offer,” “I can always control other people,” or “I don't want to be overly sensitive.”
Step 6. Try to understand what passive communication looks like
Silence and assumptions are signs of a passive communication style. Passive communicators often do not respect themselves, ignore their own opinions, feelings, needs, and desires, even placing them under the needs and desires of others. Being passive will take away one's power and let others determine the consequences in the situation at hand.:
- Verbal characteristics of passive communication can be: doubt, silence, self-denial, or self-deprecation.
- Nonverbal characteristics of passive communication can be identified by: avoiding gaze or looking down, bending over, crossing arms, or covering mouth with hands.
- Thoughts associated with passive communication include: “I don't count,” or “People will think bad things about me.”
Step 7. Identify your influence
From early childhood, our behavior is shaped to conform to the responses we receive from our environment, family, peers, coworkers, and authority figures. Styles in communication, such as passive, assertive, and aggressive, can be an extension of cultural influences, hereditary traditions, and certain situations. Assertiveness is usually more valued in Western society.
The older generation will find it difficult to be assertive. Men are taught that expressing emotions is a sign of weakness, while women are taught that expressing their needs and opinions can lead to them being judged aggressive. At times, we even find it difficult to discern what kind of behavior is appropriate in a given situation
Step 8. Don't beat yourself up for your communication style
You can't beat yourself up if you don't know how to communicate assertively. Other forms of communication style, such as being passive and aggressive, can be part of a vicious cycle. You can break this circle by learning new ways of thinking and behaving.
- If your family taught you as a child to always put the needs of others before meeting your own, you may find it difficult to be assertive right now.
- If your family or coworkers in your group are used to resolving conflicts by yelling and fighting, you may be formed to deal with conflict in the same way.
- If your social group believes that negative emotions should be hidden, or if you have been ignored or humiliated for expressing these feelings, you may become accustomed to not communicating negative emotions.
Part 2 of 8: Gaining a Deep Understanding of Your Emotions
Step 1. Start writing a diary
In order to understand how to communicate assertively, you must learn effective ways to manage your emotions. For some people, simply gaining a deeper understanding of how emotions work is enough to enable them to change the way they communicate with others and enable them to express their emotions in a more assertive way. Keeping a diary can be a great way to find out what's causing your behavior by recording each situation you've been in and asking specific assertive-related questions.
Step 2. Recognize the situation you are in as if you were filming a scene
Write down situations that trigger your emotions. Stick to the facts and don't make interpretations in this first step. For example, you might simply write, "I took my friend out to dinner, and she said 'no'."
Step 3. Recognize the emotions you feel in this situation
Be honest about your feelings. What emotions were you specifically aware of at the time, then rate the intensity of each emotion you felt on a scale from 0 to 100 (not at all strong to very strong.) Make an estimate but try to stay true to yourself.
Step 4. Identify what behavior you choose in reaction to this situation
Take note of the physical symptoms you feel at that time. Ask yourself, “What have I done?” and “What do I feel in my body?”
For example, if someone ignores your phone call, you may feel a pain in your stomach or a tension in your shoulder
Step 5. Identify your thoughts on this situation
Perhaps these thoughts can take the form of assumptions, interpretations, beliefs, values, and so on. Ask yourself, "What was I thinking?" or “What is going on in my mind?” For example, you could write: "I agreed to go out to eat with him when he asked me, so he had to say yes if I asked him," or "He was rude by saying no," or "Maybe he doesn't want to anymore. be my friend."
Step 6. Determine the power level of each thought
Using a scale of 0 to 100, determine the level of strength of your thoughts in this situation. Write down a “0” if you don't believe your mind, or give it a “100” if you believe in your mind 100%. Then ask yourself, “Am I thinking in a passive, assertive, or aggressive way?” Record your response to this question. Record any evidence for or against each of your thoughts. Consider whether there might be another way to interpret this situation.
Step 7. Determine a more assertive response to the situation
For a more balanced and assertive way of thinking and behaving, ask yourself, “How do you think and respond more assertively?”
Step 8. Redefine your initial emotional level
After you have assessed the situation, review the intensity of your initial emotions and the strength of your beliefs. Set the scale from 0 to 100.
Step 9. Make an effort to keep a regular diary
By practicing regular diaries, you will be able to reduce the intensity of your emotions more. Assess your emotions, thoughts, and reactions to different situations. If you keep practicing, you can begin to think and behave in a more assertive way.
Part 3 of 8: Learning Effective Ways to Communicate
Step 1. Know what are the benefits of assertive communication
Assertiveness is a communication style that can be learned to confidently express one's needs and feelings, while at the same time taking into account the opinions, wants, needs, and feelings of others. This is another way to behave passively or aggressively. There are several benefits that you can get if you learn how to communicate assertively:
- Strong and effective communication
- Confident
- Increase self-esteem
- Earn respect from others
- Improve ability in decision making
- Reduces stress that arises due to unfulfilled desires
- Provides the ability to resolve conflicts
- Increase self respect
- Feelings of being ignored or forced are replaced by feelings of being understood and able to make decisions
- Reducing the tendency to experience depression
- Reduced tendency to experience violence
Step 2. Say “no” if needed
Saying "no" can be difficult for most people. However, saying "yes" when you have to say "no" can lead to unnecessary stress, disappointment, and anger in the other person. The next time you have to say "no," it's a good idea to keep these helpful guidelines in mind:
- Tell them briefly.
- Say it clearly.
- Be honest.
- For example, if you don't have time to help, you can simply say, "I can't this time. Sorry to disappoint you, but I have a lot of work to do that day, and my schedule is full."
Step 3. Stay calm and respect others
When you talk to someone, try to stay calm and respect them. This will make the person pay attention to what you have to say and treat you with respect too.
Taking deep breaths is helpful if you start to feel irritated. This will let your body begin the process of calming down and helping you stay in control
Step 4. Use simple sentences
Communication may seem like an easy job, but much of what we communicate to others-and what is communicated to us-often leads to misunderstandings. This is what causes frustration or conflict in our relationships with other people. When communicating with someone, state your feelings, wants, opinions, and needs in simple sentences. This will allow the other person to clearly understand what you really want.
For example, instead of talking to your family members in long sentences full of hints and indirect statements, say briefly and directly: "I love it when you call to talk to me! But during work hours I can't talk too long I would appreciate it more if you could call me at night."
Step 5. Use the word “I” in making statements when you want to be assertive
Saying "I" will show that you are ready to take responsibility for your own thoughts and behavior. There are several ways to make “I” statements that are appropriate for various situations:
- Firm attitude in ordinary situations: The “I” statement here can be used in everyday situations to make your wishes understood, or to give compliments, information, or facts. This assertiveness can also be used if you feel the need to express yourself to ease your anxiety and make you feel more relaxed. For example: “I have to leave at 6 o'clock,” or “I'd love to hear your presentation.”
- Being assertive in situations that require empathy: The “I” statement here specifically involves acknowledging another person's feelings, needs, or wants, as well as a statement of your own needs and wants. This statement can be used to show your sensitivity to the other person's position, for example, "I understand that you are busy, but I really need your help."
- Firm attitude in the face of consequences: The “I” statement here is the strongest, it is often used as a last resort in assertiveness because it can be misunderstood as aggressive if you are not careful in your nonverbal behavior. This assertiveness in the face of consequences is used to inform others of a penalty for not wanting to change their behavior; usually if someone does not want to consider the rights of others. For example, this attitude can be applied in a work situation where procedures or guidelines are not followed by saying: “If this happens again, I have no choice but to take action to enforce discipline. I myself prefer to avoid it.”
- Firm attitude when there is a discrepancy: The “I” statement here is used to indicate a discrepancy between what was previously agreed upon, and what is actually happening. This statement is used to clarify misunderstandings and/or conflicts in behavior. You might say, “As you know, we have agreed that Project ABC is our number one priority project. Now you are asking me to give more time to project XYZ. I want to ask for clarification from you, for now which project is actually your top priority.”
- Firm attitude due to negative feelings: The “I” statement is used here because you feel negative feelings towards the other person (angry, disappointed, hurt.) This statement allows you to express your feelings without causing uncontrollable anger, and warns the other party of the consequences of their actions. You might say, “If you keep procrastinating on your report, I'll have to work weekends. I'm very disturbed by this, so for the future I hope to receive your report every Tuesday afternoon."
Step 6. Use appropriate body language
When being assertive, you should always pay attention to your nonverbal communication. You may assume that you are being assertive when you are actually being passive or aggressive because you are not careful with the nonverbal communication style you use.
- Keep your voice quiet and volume neutral
- Maintain good eye contact
- Try to keep your face and body position relaxed
Step 7. Take time to practice assertive communication
It takes time and practice until you can be assertive and make it your new habit. Practice speaking in front of a mirror. Alternatively, you can also practice conversing with your therapist or counselor.
Part 4 of 8: Learning to Manage Stress
Step 1. Acknowledge the stress in your life
Controlling the emotions that affect the way we communicate can be difficult. When we experience stress or disappointment, our bodies will enter into a state of stress, so our bodies will carry out a series of chemical and hormonal reactions to prepare themselves for threats. The way you think in this state will be different if you are in a calm, comfortable, rational state of mind and body, so it will be more difficult for you to apply techniques that allow you to be assertive.
Admit if you are experiencing stress in your life. Make a list to jot down the things that make you stressed
Step 2. Try meditating
Relaxation techniques will return our bodies to a balanced physiological state. For example, meditation can have a calming effect on the brain that will last after you finish meditating. Meditation techniques will have a direct effect on the amygdala, which is the center of the brain responsible for controlling the causes of emotions. Try to meditate for at least 5-10 minutes every day.
- Sit in a comfortable chair or on a pillow.
- Close your eyes and focus your attention on each sensation you are experiencing. Pay attention to how you feel about your body, what you hear, and what you smell.
- Turn your attention to your breath. Inhale for a count of four, hold your breath for a count of four, then exhale for a count of four.
- When your mind starts to wander, let it go without judgment and focus your mind on your breath again.
- You can add a love spell or feeling, or words that excite you and give you positive feelings, such as, “May I always be at peace,” or “May I feel happy.”
- You can also try guided meditation, which will help you visualize by imagining images that make you feel relaxed.
Step 3. Do deep breathing exercises
If you are in a stressful situation, deep breathing can reduce the stress you are experiencing and allow you to think clearly. Breathe in slowly for a few rounds by consciously inhaling and exhaling.
- Sit comfortably in a chair with your arms and legs crossed, your feet flat on the floor, and your palms resting on your thighs. Close your eyes gently.
- Inhale through your nose, observing the quality of your breathing as you inhale and exhale.
- Try taking longer, slower breaths while gently directing your breath into your stomach. Hold your breath for a moment, then watch your breath flow out slowly and quietly as you exhale.
- Start counting the rhythm of your breath. Inhale for 3 seconds. Exhale for 3 seconds. Maintain calm, regular, and controlled breathing. There's no need to rush.
- Use this rhythm to breathe for 10-15 minutes.
- When you're done, gently open your eyes. Relax for a moment and then get back up from your seat.
Step 4. Perform progressive muscle relaxation
If you're worried about meditating or don't have time to practice meditation regularly, you can still experience this relaxation process through progressive muscle relaxation. This technique is done by activating a calming response in the body and returning the body to physiological balance by tightening and relaxing each muscle group in the body sequentially. You can do progressive muscle relaxation exercises for 15-20 minutes every day in the following ways:
- Sit in a comfortable chair with your feet flat on the floor, place your palms on your thighs and close your eyes.
- Start the exercise by clenching your palms, hold for 10 seconds. Release and feel the sensation for 10 seconds. Repeat again.
- Tighten your forearms by bending your wrists down, hold for 10 seconds. Release and then relax your hands for 10 seconds. Repeat again.
- Perform exercises for your entire body, holding them while toning and relaxing each of your muscle groups. Start with your upper arms, shoulders, neck, head and face. Then proceed to the muscles of the chest, stomach, back, buttocks, thighs, calves, and soles of your feet.
- After you have finished exercising your whole body, sit down for a few minutes to enjoy the sensation of feeling relaxed.
- Stand up slowly so you don't get dizzy (because your blood pressure drops when you relax or rises again unexpectedly.)
- If you don't have time to do this exercise in its entirety for 15-20 minutes, you can work on the muscle groups you feel tense.
Part 5 of 8: Making Effective Decisions
Step 1. Use the IDEAL model to make a decision
Making decisions is part of being assertive. You must be in control of your life and make the decisions that are best for you, and not let others make the decisions for you or allow yourself to be swayed by others who go against your judgement. By identifying the problem, you will be able to find out important aspects to help you make a good decision. The Niagara Regional Community Health Center recommends using the IDEAL model:
- I – Identify the problem.
- D – Describe all possible solutions either by handling it yourself, asking someone else for help, or doing nothing.
- E – Evaluate what the consequences of each solution will be. Evaluate your feelings and desires in determining the best outcome for yourself.
- A – Actively take action. Choose a solution and go for it. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and desires.
- L – Do a review. Did the solution work? Do a review of why this solution may or may not work. If that doesn't work, try again by making a list of possible solutions and running.
Step 2. Consider who needs to be involved
There may be many parties affected by a decision, but it is not necessary that all of them are involved in making the decision. Seek input from those who need to be involved.
You have to take other parties into account when making your decision, but you must make the final decision yourself
Step 3. Know the purpose of your decision
All decisions arise from the need for a course of action. Take the time to determine the goals that underlie this action. This way will ensure that the decision taken is the best.
Step 4. Make the decision in time
Procrastination is a major barrier to decisive decision making. Don't make last-minute decisions because you may lose out on possible solutions.
Part 6 of 8: Setting Reasonable Limits
Step 1. Protect your physical and emotional freedom
Boundaries are barriers you create to protect your physical, emotional, and intellectual abilities from distractions. Proper boundaries will protect your privacy and self-respect, and will enable you to separate your feelings from others. Improper boundaries will make you more likely to be exposed to the inhibiting influences of other people's feelings, beliefs, and behaviors.
Step 2. Set up your boundaries
When you are going to have a conversation to discuss your desires, first know what the boundaries are. By having boundaries in place in advance of the conversation, you won't get off track and easily compromise your desires in the middle of a conversation just because it feels easier or you want to avoid conflict.
For example, set limits to let your boss know that you are not willing to work weekends or overtime without three days' notice. If you're talking to a friend, set a limit that you won't be able to pick them up again at the airport until they pick you up if you need a ride
Step 3. Learn to say no
If you don't feel like doing something, don't do it. It's okay to reject someone. Remember, for yourself, the most important person is yourself. If you can't respect your own desires, how can you expect them from others?
- You may think that being a nice person will make you a person who is judged good by others, but unfortunately, excessive kindness will usually lead to the opposite response in others.
- People will only value the things in which they have invested their time/energy/money, so if you are the one who gives it their all, your appreciation for this person will increase, but their appreciation for you will decrease. Determine attitude. People may resist at first-or even be surprised by your change-but in the end, they'll respect you for your attitude.
Step 4. State your opinion in a respectful manner
Don't be silent if you have something to say. Share your feelings freely: this is your right. Remember, there's nothing wrong with having an opinion. You just have to make sure that you've chosen the right time to express your wish. Make the other person understand that what you are trying to say is important and needs attention.
Practice in less risky situations. Do all your friends like the new TV show people are talking about? Don't be afraid to admit that you're not really impressed. Has someone misunderstood what you said? Don't nod and just agree; explain what exactly you mean, even if the miscommunication that occurs this will not harm both parties
Step 5. Identify what your needs are
Identify what things make you happy and what your needs are. This will help you develop what you expect others to treat you the way you want. Try to imagine a situation where you feel as though you are being treated without respect or a situation where your feelings are not being cared about. Then imagine what you could do to make yourself feel more valued.
Step 6. Be honest with yourself about what you want
Acting confidently won't do you any good if you never make up your mind or just try hard to "go with the flow." People will conform to your wishes if you can explain to them what you want.
Letting someone else make the decisions is a passive-aggressive attitude to shirk your responsibilities-and put the consequences on someone else's shoulders. If your friend asks you where to have dinner, don't answer by saying, “Oh, anywhere”; give them clear answers
Step 7. Find a solution that makes both parties happy
A good approach to this is to adopt an “us” mentality and find a solution that makes both parties happy, if the situation allows. In this way, everyone's feelings will be noticed and heard.
For example, if you give your roommate a ride every day, but he won't pay for the gas, talk to him about the matter. You can say, “I don't mind giving you a ride every day. But the cost of owning a car is very expensive, while by giving me a ride, I can save you money and time because you don't have to take the bus every day to work. Do you mind paying for the gas every week? I would really appreciate it.” This way, you acknowledge that your friend may not be aware of your feelings. Now your friend knows what the problem is without you blaming them
Part 7 of 8: Showing Confidence
Step 1. Evaluate how high your self-confidence is
Self-confidence will be reflected in your ability to know how you see yourself which includes your self-perception and where you feel best to place yourself in the social hierarchy. If you view yourself in a negative light, you may have great difficulty asserting your thoughts, beliefs, desires, and feelings. In addition, you may feel pressured or reluctant to ask questions when you need clarification, focus too much on your own negative traits, and lack confidence in yourself. Self-doubt will hinder assertive communication. Assess your confidence by doing a self-evaluation by asking yourself the following questions:
- Are you able to maintain eye contact when communicating with other people?
- Can you make a good sound?
- Do you speak with confidence (without often saying “uh” or “em”)?
- Is your posture or the way you stand always straight and open?
- Do you have the ability to ask questions if clarification is needed?
- Do you feel comfortable around other people?
- Can you say no at the right time?
- Are you able to express anger and frustration at the right time?
- Do you have an opinion if you don't agree with the other person?
- Are you defending yourself for wrongs you didn't commit?
- If you answered no more than 3 questions above, there is a possibility that you are a person who already has assertiveness in you. If you answered no to any of the 4-6 questions above, you most likely view yourself negatively. If you answered no to more than 7 questions, it sounds like you are having a big confidence problem. Perhaps you often doubt your deserving of respect or you look down on yourself in the social hierarchy.
Step 2. Get in the habit of using reassuring body language
The way you present yourself will tell you who you are-long before you even have a chance to speak. Keep your shoulders straight and your chin up. Don't look nervous (put your hands in your pockets in a pinch) or cover your mouth with your hands when you talk. Look into the eyes of the person you're talking to to show that you don't want to be ignored.
- Try to make your feelings unreadable, especially if you're feeling nervous or unsure. Hide your “feelings” by controlling your hands, feet, and facial expressions so they don't betray your own emotions.
- If you have trouble making eye contact, practice wearing sunglasses and then do it shamelessly. If you have to avert your gaze, keep your eyes off the distance as if you're thinking, don't look down.
- Even if you feel nervous or confused, you can still act confident. There's nothing embarrassing about asking questions.
Step 3. Speak clearly and calmly
Rushing into a conversation will show that you don't expect the other person to take the time to listen. Also, speaking slowly will show the other person that you are worth the wait. Use a clear and calm voice. It doesn't have to be loud, but you do have to be able to make yourself worth listening to.
- If people aren't paying attention to you, say "Sorry" clearly and firmly. But you don't need to apologize if you haven't done anything wrong because this will show others that you are ashamed of your existence.
- Short in speaking. Even the most confident people will lose their listeners if they don't immediately get their point across.
- Don't say em or what it's called as much as possible when you want to make an important statement. Make a conscious effort to eliminate these words from your vocabulary.
Step 4. Take care of your appearance
Although this is a narrow perspective, people usually make judgments about your appearance right away. People who are confident and have natural charisma are capable of changing other people's views, but not everyone is so lucky. If you dress like you just woke up, or you dress too thickly and wear shabby high heels, people generally won't think of you as someone who deserves to be taken seriously. On the other hand, if you appear to be well prepared, people are more likely to respect you.
- Dressing well doesn't have to mean overdressing. If you're used to a simple appearance, try to keep your clothes clean, well-matched, unwrinkled, without embarrassing writing or inappropriate images.
- With a genuine effort to pay attention to appearance, you will show that you really mean to achieve what you want.
Step 5. Prepare in advance what you want to say
This may sound a bit silly, but if you want to show confidence, you have to come off as determined and confident in time. Is there a better way than practicing? You can practice in front of a mirror, make a recording, or even with the help of a friend you can trust, pretend that he or she is your boss, lover, or whoever you are going to talk to.
When the time comes, remind yourself how confident you were when you were practicing, and try to speak more confidently
Part 8 of 8: Seeking Help in Other Ways
Step 1. See a counselor or psychologist
If you still need help being assertive, it's a good idea to see an expert in this area. Counselors and psychologists are people who have attended special education and training to help someone communicate in a good and right way.
Step 2. Take training to build assertiveness
Many universities offer assertiveness building training for students. By taking this course, you can practice applying techniques to build assertiveness while giving you the opportunity to discuss situations when you need help being assertive, as well as helping you manage stress when you have to deal with different situations.
Step 3. Practice with a friend you can trust
It takes practice and time to be assertive. Ask your friends for help as you practice your communication skills using various scenarios. The more often you face situations that require assertiveness, even if it's only in pretend situations, the more confident you will become.
Warning
In the face of a confrontation, emotions can run high. Try to remain respectful and think calmly
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