Do you have a hard time dealing with friends who are rude to you? Do your parents always blame you? Do you always run out of money because it was lent to someone else? If the answer is "yes", you should learn to be assertive with others. Although it must be studied diligently, having the skills to communicate effectively helps you become assertive.
Step
Part 1 of 2: Communicating Well
Step 1. Use sentences with the words “I” or “I”
Messages that focus on yourself when communicating show that you are responsible for your feelings and opinions without attacking or blaming others. These assertive statements are based on what you have experienced, rather than focusing on the experiences of others. The word “I” or “I” is a way of explaining “this is the situation I am in” to the other person. Example of a statement with the word I/I:
- "I feel scared and sad when I hear swear words or swearing when we argue" instead of "Your swearing and swearing scare me. Don't talk like that again."
- "I'm worried that my abilities aren't being put to good use in my current position" instead of "You're putting me in a position where my abilities aren't growing."
Step 2. Learn to say “no”
Turning down an assignment or a friend's invitation to go out at night may make you seem less gregarious, but saying "no" is the same as saying "yes" to activities and tasks that support your progress. Make the most of your time by doing useful activities. Refusing requests that go against your interests is one way to be assertive.
Turning down someone's request or solicitation may seem difficult at first, but as you get used to it, you'll find that this ability can be very useful. This will help you set boundaries and be assertive about yourself and others. These skills are needed to develop yourself personally and professionally
Step 3. Don't judge other people
Many people are shy about being assertive when socializing because for them, being assertive means judging. By definition, assertiveness means having a stand, but still compromising, considering the wishes of others, and being respectful. Judging is not like this.
Step 4. Control your emotions
Assertive people usually have good communication skills because they are able to control their emotions. Try to control your feelings well because not being able to control your emotions will have a bad effect on communication.
- For example, if you disagree with what the other person is saying, getting angry is not a good way to show a difference of opinion. This reaction can be damaging to the relationship because you are speaking emotionally, rather than being objective.
- The first step in controlling emotions is to be aware of them. Start by observing your feelings for a few days. Take note of when and what situations trigger negative emotions. Keep a journal to record your emotions and name each emotion you feel.
- Find the triggers for your feelings. Start by asking yourself why are you reacting this way? After that, determine whether the emotion represents the way you want to behave and interact with other people. If not, try to change your mindset by eliminating negative thoughts or changing unhelpful thoughts.
Step 5. Eliminate conditional statements
A conditional statement is a follow-up sentence that connects the initial statement so as not to seem forced. In the context of a written argument, it helps if the author provides an opportunity for uncertainty. Therefore, conditional statements can be used for this purpose. However, in the context of giving an assertive statement, you should use categorical statements to express your opinion, i.e. statements that you fully believe in. Categorical statements are assertive statements because they do not show doubt.
- Conditional statements, for example: "This is just my opinion, but…" or "My opinion is fine, but…".
- Stronger categorical and assertive statements, for example: "In my opinion…" (not followed by "but" or words that are intended to weaken) or "In my opinion, the best thing we need to do is…".
Step 6. Pay attention to your body language
Nonverbal communication can have more impact than the words you speak. Assertive communicators need to be aware of their body language in order not to appear threatening, unconcerned, etc.
- Assertive communicators are able to respect one's personal area by maintaining a distance of 1-1, 5 m from other people. He is also able to maintain direct eye contact that does not seem challenging, speak at the right volume (not too low, not too loud), and use words that are appropriate to the situation and conditions at the time.
- Get in the habit of standing or sitting up straight, but relaxed (pointing your arms and legs at the person speaking) and not using negative body language to emphasize certain points of conversation.
Step 7. Learn to make up your mind
The attitude of surrender does not necessarily bring goodness in everyday life. However, bringing down another person for a minor mistake may make you hostile. Being assertive means being able to be firm, but flexible.
State your position. Often times, differences of opinion can be reconciled without having to argue or fight. Make an opinion that fits your life principles and express what you want
Part 2 of 2: Building Self-Esteem
Step 1. Know what you want
Being assertive is a way to increase your self-esteem, but you need to be able to respect yourself in order to socialize. Assertiveness and self-esteem can grow if you know what you want. How would you like to be treated? How would you like to feel by being yourself? What excites your life? What kind of people would you like to be friends with? What do you value in yourself and in others? You can find out what you want by answering all the questions above.
Start by writing down the virtues that you admire in yourself and in others, for example: ambition, forgiveness, love, honesty, kindness, etc. Rank starting from the value you think is most important. The order you specify will guide you in answering some of the other questions
Step 2. Know your expectations of yourself and others
Once you know what you want, work on making it happen. Refuse to treat others who don't live up to your standards. Express what you want by stating your stand if your wish is not being met.
- For example, if your partner is lying and this doesn't suit your desire for an open and honest relationship, you should be assertive (say by speaking up) with your partner to discuss your wishes. If he doesn't respect your rights, consider whether you want to continue the relationship.
- Don't go round and round or expect other people to guess what you want. Be direct in a kind way to show others that these important standards and values are non-negotiable. You can say: “I want to have a trusted partner” or “I want you to always be honest with me.”
Step 3. Get to know yourself
An important aspect of building self-esteem is being aware of your strengths. Make two lists, one to record all your accomplishments and another to list the things you admire about yourself. Ask a close friend or family member for help if you're having trouble pinpointing the qualities that make you a great person.
Step 4. Control your thoughts
Many people do not know that one of the most powerful tools in controlling one's emotions and behavior is in the mind. What you tell yourself every day will determine whether you like or reject yourself. Learn to control what you say to yourself by monitoring negative or destructive statements about yourself. Turn negative thoughts into positive thoughts by looking for evidence to support or at least refute negative thoughts.
- For example, if you say to yourself, "I won't be promoted because no one knows my performance." Can you predict the future (that you won't be promoted)? How can you know that no one is aware of your performance?
- By asking yourself questions, you can prove that these thoughts are irrational because no one can predict the future. Realizing that you are having negative thoughts will break the habit of self-criticism that undermines your self-esteem.
Step 5. Respect others
Remember that the words "assertive" and "aggressive" have very different meanings. In the business world, aggressive is often interpreted as a positive attribute. Aggressive marketing or aggressive salespeople are considered great in many ways. However, an aggressive communicator means a person who likes to attack, demean, insult, and violate the rights of others.
