Expressing wishes by being assertive is a way that is fair to yourself and to others. You will feel satisfied and happy by communicating and being assertive. In addition to helping you become more confident, this method makes other people feel comfortable and confident when interacting with you. However, assertiveness in communication is often misunderstood as arrogance, egoism, or indifference. However, you can improve your relationship with a coworker, friend, or partner by learning to set clear boundaries and express your wishes or ideas clearly and respectfully.
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Part 1 of 3: Understanding the Meaning of Being Firm
Step 1. Compare assertiveness and passivity
Assertiveness is not the same as arrogance. Passive people tend to let their rights be violated and want to do things they don't like, don't want to make their own decisions, feel great, are unable to express their thoughts and feelings honestly. Assertive people will refuse requests that are not appropriate, are able to express their feelings or desires, and can respond to other people.
- Assertive people don't let their rights be violated, are able to respect the rights or feelings of others when they express their feelings, and stick to the things they believe in (for example, have the belief to always act according to the values and always do their best).
- Being assertive allows you to express your feelings honestly, show openness to others, and establish interpersonal relationships. You can't have a happy relationship as long as you ignore your own opinion and let other people make the decisions for you. People who are unable to be assertive are usually less happy and emotionally insecure.
Step 2. Know what it means to be assertive
Being assertive means understanding well how to convey what you want to say. Being assertive means being able to express your rights through your thoughts, desires and feelings, for example:
- Express feelings clearly
- Saying wishes to others without threatening them
- Don't yell, berate, and treat others in an inappropriate way
- Communicate honestly and openly
- Recognizing the rights of others to communicate
- Use friendly sentences and listen to other people's opinions
- An example of assertive behavior is speaking calmly to the person who interrupts the line right in front of you, for example: “I was already in line here. I object to you interrupting a line like this.”
- On the other hand, if you accidentally interrupt the line, act responsibly and apologize: “Sorry, I didn't know you were in line. I will move to the back.” Being assertive by accepting responsibility doesn't mean demeaning or degrading yourself, but it does mean that you understand other people's desires as you understand your own.
Step 3. Recognize that assertiveness is a skill that needs to be practiced
While some people may seem more confident than others, developing communication skills by being assertive and appropriate takes time and practice. This is especially true for women who still have to face social and cultural pressures against them if they want to be assertive in their behavior and communication.
Apologizing and taking responsibility is a great way to help you overcome communication failures so that you can maintain good communication
Step 4. Know that you have rights
Social and cultural pressures tend to instill the belief that you have no right to say “no” under certain conditions, such as at work or in friendships. Women usually have to deal with social stigma when they are assertive, for example being labeled as “talky”, “sassy”, or “grumpy”. After all, no one should be belittled or intimidated. You have the right to have desires, thoughts, feelings, and to express them well.
Step 5. Know what you need to change
If you're always feeling pressured about having to give approval to a coworker or friend, you may need to learn to be assertive about dealing with the problem. Likewise if you feel depressed and helpless in interacting with other people. Remember that being passive is completely useless because in addition to making you feel unappreciated and ignored, you're not being honest with others by being passive.
Record in a journal when you feel intimidated, coerced, pressured, passive, or afraid. This way, you can determine which aspects are causing the biggest problems and you should focus on as you learn to be assertive
Step 6. Ask for help
If you find it difficult to be assertive in certain situations, ask someone you trust for help, such as a friend, partner, boss, or counselor. Describe the situation and problem you are facing in detail and then describe the behavior you would like to change.
- For example, if you're having trouble doing extra work without compensation, discuss this with a coworker you trust to determine how to be assertive the next time you're asked to do extra work.
- Practice assertive responses with people you trust before you actually do it. With practice, you can find the most appropriate way to deal with the actual situation and help you deal with anxiety.
Step 7. Start practicing with situations that are easy to deal with
You have to be patient and practice a lot to become a communicator who has the skills to be assertive. This learning process can trigger anxiety for people who are not used to being assertive. Use assertiveness skills in situations where it's safe enough and the interactions don't overwhelm you.
For example, if you've been struggling with assertiveness and your order at a restaurant or coffee shop wasn't prepared properly, politely explain the problem and ask for a solution: “I asked for a half-cooked steak, but it's already done. Can you replace it?”
Step 8. Check the actual situation first
Sometimes passive or aggressive people think you're arrogant, but you're not. You need to recognize the criticism that is being given because someone misunderstood your attitude and whether the criticism is valid. To respond to criticism like this, try to show that you are cooperative, not domineering.
- Passive people tend to interpret assertiveness as rude behavior because they are not used to saying what they want. For passive people, openness in assertive communication is something different from their habits and often misjudged.
- Passive-aggressive people tend not to express their thoughts and feelings directly by hiding their true feelings and punishing others by withdrawing, sulking, etc. Passive-aggressive attitude will damage relationships and communication. For passive-aggressive people, your honesty in expressing your feelings in an assertive way will be seen as rude or hostile behavior because they are used to hiding their feelings and don't want to express them directly.
- Aggressive people may feel disappointed that assertive communicators are able to state their point of view, rather than comply with their wishes. This is because aggressive people tend to see communication the way they want or need it. They even interpret assertive communication as hostile because they are used to respecting themselves more than others and expecting others to treat them the same way.
- In some cases, other people may misjudge your attitude because of their own prejudices or understandings. Racism, judgment, and other prejudices can lead others to judge your attitude according to false and misleading standards. For example: in American culture, the common image of “an angry black woman” tends to lead many to interpret an African American woman's assertiveness in communication as aggressive behavior. Women in Western society are usually expected to be “role models” and will be judged badly for communicating assertively. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to change other people's already formed mindsets.
- The imbalance of power in certain situations can also lead to misinterpretation. For example, if you lead a team, your subordinates may see you as demanding and selfish, rather than as an assertive leader. Focus on working together, paying attention to the feelings and desires of others, and encouraging them to express themselves. Instead of being aggressive, caring about the people around you is the best way to be assertive.
- Learn how to be “good assertiveness” by reading step 2 to make sure that you are truly capable of being assertive, rather than passive or aggressive.
Part 2 of 3: Demonstrate Good Assertive Ability
Step 1. Be a good listener
Let others know your boundaries and feelings while opening up opportunities to talk, discuss, and express feelings. Ask further questions during the conversation and provide affirmations, such as nodding, using body language, and providing support.
- Make eye contact with the person speaking, but don't keep staring at them. Try to make as much eye contact as possible while you listen. This will show that you are interested and willing to pay attention to the person speaking.
- Don't be so distracted that you've already thought about what you're going to say because you want to respond to the other person's statement before he finishes speaking. For example, while your friend is talking about his or her troubles, you're already starting to think about sharing your own problems. This way shows that you are not focused on other people.
- If you have trouble concentrating while listening to your friend talk, say it silently or summarize what your friend said. Thus, you are “forced” to pay attention to other people.
- When it's your turn to speak, ask questions or make statements to clarify what you heard. For example, after hearing your partner's explanation about your frustrating behavior, make sure you're listening properly by asking: “I heard you said _ earlier. Right?" This way you don't jump to conclusions or avoid misunderstandings.
Step 2. Be humble and polite
Assertiveness and humility are the right combination. Assertive people don't have to scream for others to see. You have every right to take credit for your success or remind others that you've contributed, as long as it's not to brag or to sound great by putting other people down.
- Being humble doesn't mean that you are weak or demeaning. Celebrate your success and congratulate yourself on a job well done, but don't exalt yourself by putting others down.
- For example, if someone says that your presentation was great, don't respond by saying, "Oh, that's nothing." This kind of response only undermines your own efforts and accomplishments. Instead, be assertive by giving an answer that appreciates your efforts while being humble: “Thank you. I did work hard and got a lot of support.”
Step 3. Use the word “I” or “I”
Statements that focus on what you are feeling, thinking, or experiencing can convey what you want without blaming or trying to read the other person's mind (making assumptions as if you know what the other person is thinking or experiencing). You can express your feelings, such as “I want_” and “I don't want_” and provide constructive criticism, such as “I feel upset because of you_”.
- For example, if your friend forgets her promise to have lunch with you, don't assume that she doesn't care. Instead, make a statement with the word "I" and continue by inviting him to share his experience: "I'm really disappointed that you didn't come over for lunch. What's really going on?"
- Express your feelings honestly. If you're invited to an office event you don't like, don't say, "Maybe I'll come, even though I don't really like it." You could say, "I don't feel comfortable being around people, so I chose not to come."
Step 4. Do not use the words “should” or “should”
The words “should” or “should” indicate an assessment of the behavior of others and can make a person feel blamed or sued. These words are known as “categorical imperatives” that can make the other person angry or feel guilty (or you experience them yourself, if this statement is directed at yourself).
- For example, instead of saying to your child, "Don't keep playing video games until you forget to do your homework," you might say, "You should finish your homework before playing video games."
- Replace the word “should” with “I prefer” or “I hope you do”.
Step 5. Speak in a flat, relaxed tone of voice
Don't yell or yell as this annoying behavior can make other people feel uncomfortable and keep you from being heard. Instead of speaking in a high pitched voice, speak in a calm, relaxing voice.
Step 6. Invite others to share their thoughts and experiences
Don't assume that you know what the problem is or that you know how to best solve it. Instead, engage the other person in the conversation by saying, “What do you think?” or “Do you have any suggestions about _?”
- This is especially helpful if you want to provide constructive criticism or express negative feelings. People will feel included if you ask them to share their thoughts and feelings.
- For example, if your friend often cancels plans suddenly, tell him how you feel and ask him to share his experience: “After you suddenly canceled our plans, I was upset that I couldn't make other plans for myself. Sometimes, I feel like you don't want to see me anymore. What's really going on?"
Step 7. Don't blame others
Blaming others for your flaws and mistakes can hinder communication. Criticize others for their negligence in a blaming tone, especially by generalizing, for example, “You always forget to pick me up!” or “You are lazy!” is a useless way of dialogue.
For example, if your employee forgets to keep an important report, don't say negative words of blame because he may already feel guilty for not doing his job. Instead, be assertive by focusing on other ways he can do this: “I know you forgot to save the report. If there is a deadline, I usually use a reminder on the agenda so I don't forget. What do you think, will this method help?”
Step 8. Distinguish between facts and opinions
If you're having a disagreement with someone else, don't try to find out who's right. This is especially true when there is no right answer in certain situations, for example in the event of an incident that hurts someone's feelings. Saying “My experience is different” will give everyone a chance to express their feelings.
- For example, imagine that your partner says that you hurt his feelings during a conversation earlier. Instead of immediately responding "I didn't mean to" or trying to defend yourself, first accept how he's feeling. For example: “I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. I really didn't mean it that way and I won't say it again."
- Remember that everyone lives life differently and being different doesn't mean they're wrong. For example, imagine that your colleague is getting work done in a way that you think is inefficient. People who communicate aggressively will say: "That's how stupid people work" or "Who works that way?"
- If you are a person in authority, such as in charge of a project or as a supervisor, express your thoughts on efficiency in an assertive manner. “I see you are handling the project in the X way. I have experience in this project and so far, the Y way will be faster and the results are better. How about you use the Y way?”
- Remember that you don't always have the right to correct others. Sometimes, you need to resist the urge to force your opinion on others.
Step 9. Consider another way
As well as being very helpful, compromising is often the best way to interact with other people. Instead of insisting on defending your own views or plans for dealing with a particular situation, show your willingness to look for other solutions. You can express your ideas assertively and ask others for suggestions. This way makes the other person feel included and valued. In addition, he will also prefer to cooperate, not just carry out orders.
For example, if you and your partner notice that you both keep fighting for the same reason, ask your partner: "What can we do to solve this problem?"
Step 10. Make clear and sincere statements
Even when you're upset, don't use harsh or demeaning words, as this can hurt the other person's feelings and hinder communication. Try to make a sincere statement of your thoughts and desires.
- For example, if your friend is always late, explain how you feel without being rude. Don't confront your friend with a bad attitude, for example: “Wow, this is just a surprise. At least you've only missed half the dinner tonight."
- Instead, you could say: “We made plans, but you didn't show up on time. I feel like our togetherness isn't important to you. I'd be more than happy to travel with you if you could come on time according to the plan we've made together.”
Step 11. Use assertive body language
Communication is often nonverbal and the way you use body language will affect how you interact with other people. You can use body language to make the other person feel comfortable and to convey your feelings. Assertive body language can be recognized by the following characteristics:
- Direct eye contact. Use the 50/70 guide: make eye contact for 5 minutes each time you talk 10 minutes and 7 minutes each time you listen to another person talk for 10 minutes.
- Calm and relaxed movement. Assertive body language doesn't appear tense, closed, or shy, but rather steady and calm. Let your palms relax, instead of pointing or making nervous hand gestures.
- Posture that shows openness. Stand with your shoulders back slightly and face the person you're interacting with while straightening your legs so that your weight is evenly distributed on the soles of your feet. Don't cross your legs. Keep the soles of your feet 10-15 cm apart.
- The jaw and mouth are relaxed. Firmly pressing your lips together or tightening your jaw indicates tension, discomfort, or aggression. Let your mouth and jaw relax and show your emotions through facial expressions (smile when you're happy, frown when you're disappointed, etc.)
Part 3 of 3: Avoiding Arrogance
Step 1. Compare arrogance with assertiveness
Being assertive is a way of defending your opinions and desires, while arrogance is a way of thinking and behaving aggressively to elevate yourself by violating the rights of others and degrading the dignity of others. Arrogant people are also capable of expressing their ideas and desires, but they do this by bringing others down. In addition, arrogant people tend to avoid taking responsibility for their shortcomings and mistakes.
- Arrogant people usually feel more confident when there is external support (they see themselves based on what other people think of them). While this self-confidence isn't a negative thing, it tends to make them prioritize their self-worth over other people's feelings.
- Arrogance is a form of aggression that usually makes the other person feel very uncomfortable, annoyed, or belittled. Arrogant people usually attack or blame others if they feel threatened or defeated.
Step 2. Know what it means to be arrogant
Arrogance can also be seen from thoughts, desires, and feelings, but by demeaning and/or putting other people down. Even though arrogant and assertive people say the same thing, such as "I don't want to do it," arrogant people don't show empathy or responsibility. You can identify arrogance by these characteristics:
- Saying inappropriate words to others
- Make others feel belittled or belittled
- Using a sarcastic or condescending style of speaking
- Threaten
- It's easy to blame others
- Attacking others
- Protect yourself without caring about others
- For example, an arrogant person will yell or scold the person who interrupts the line at the cashier right in front of him, even saying stupid and threatening him.
- On the other hand, if an arrogant person interrupts you while you're in line, he will blame or demean the other person: "Okay, if you don't want me to interrupt in front of you, make sure you stand in line so I know you're in line."
Step 3. Do not belittle or belittle the other person as this will hinder communication
Even if an arrogant person makes a mistake or hurts your feelings, don't insult or belittle them.
Examples of arrogant attitude in communicating: “You are so dirty! Can't you keep this room clean?” Examples of assertiveness in communication: “You are free to do anything in your private room, but I want you to help keep our room clean and tidy.”
Step 4. Listen to other people's opinions
Arrogant people tend to be selfish by prioritizing what they feel, think, and experience. Avoid arrogance by listening to other people who are expressing their thoughts, desires, and feelings.
Step 5. Don't use the words “you” or “you”
Making a statement using the words “you” or “you” means acknowledging that you cannot support his or her actions. You just need to express the facts accurately and confidently, for example about the agreed time and what you feel or experience. Use the words “I” or “I” and talk about facts that have happened, instead of discussing the intentions of the other person.
For example, don't blame the other person by saying: "You make me so angry!" Give yourself a self-focused statement, for example: “I'm feeling upset right now.”
Step 6. Don't threaten others
Threats and intimidation should not be used in assertive communication. These words often appear in arrogant communication. Assertive communication aims to make the listener feel comfortable because he knows that you are going to be honest with him. Threats and intimidation can frighten others, disappoint them, and hinder communication.
Threatening sentences usually make the other person feel guilty. For example, if you ask the team a question and no one answers, an aggressive response: “Did you guys understand my question?” Instead of blaming and threatening others, change your question to: “Did I clearly convey the concept?”
Step 7. Don't say inappropriate words
Do not accuse, berate, insult, and yell at others. Try not to use words in a generalizing tone. The words "always" or "never" are usually used to generalize one's intentions.
For example, imagine your co-worker who often forgets to pick you up to go to work in his car. You will sound arrogant if you tell him: “You always forget to pick me up. I really feel disappointed with your treatment. I don't understand why you always forget about little things like this." Example of an assertive response: “Last week you forgot to pick me up twice. I feel disappointed and worried if you forget to pick me up because I will be late for work. Can you try not to forget to pick me up next time? If not, I'll find another way."
Step 8. Avoid aggressive body language
Aggressive body language will send the same message as the words you speak. To avoid coming across as arrogant, pay attention to your body language and don't do any of the following:
- Violating other people's personal areas. Everyone has a personal area of one meter in public and in the office. Don't approach unless asked to, such as when you're on a date or you need to help someone else.
- Aggressive hand movements, such as pointing or clenching fists.
- Cross arms. Crossing your legs indicates a lack of confidence. Crossing your arms shows the attitude of someone who is reluctant to communicate.
- Tighten the jaw. You will appear arrogant or hostile if you move your chin or tighten your jaw.
- Using too wide a place. This is done more often by men than women. Body language that shows an excessive desire to dominate the place can be a sign of arrogance, not self-confidence. It's okay to use the place as needed so that you feel comfortable, but don't disturb the comfort of others.
Tips
- Arrogance indicates a sense of superiority, elitism, arrogance, or arrogance. If you experience one of these, you may end up being rude to the other person, instead of trying to build a good relationship by communicating assertively and listening actively. Someone who is used to communicating assertively sometimes still makes mistakes and has to improve. Just do it, don't be shy.
- While openness and respect for others in assertive communication can work well, sometimes you have to deal with people who won't cooperate, no matter what method you use. You can only control your own attitude. Therefore, stay polite and assertive and ignore people who like to find trouble.
- If it doesn't work, it's a good idea to take formal training so you can be assertive. Many counselors and therapists can help or you can join a community that provides health services.
