You may be in the habit of saying whatever comes to mind and inadvertently upset or hurt other people's feelings. It's also possible that it's not your tongue that's the problem, but the speech of other people you know and care about. Regardless of whether you or someone else needs to control your speech, try to learn how to think about what to say and the impact of uncontrolled speech so that you can control your speech.
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Part 1 of 4: Learning Verbal Control
Step 1. Calm down
Some people tend to speak bluntly when they are nervous. In fact, studies have shown that you are more likely to misspoke when you are in a very stressful or stressful situation. By calming yourself down, you can control your speech.
- If your nervousness prompts you to say things you'll later regret, take a few deep breaths to calm yourself down.
- Imagine a smooth interaction. Imagine how calm you are and how much control you have over yourself and your mouth.
Step 2. Take advantage of the 10 second pause
Hold yourself for 10 seconds before speaking so you can think about whether what you want to say is appropriate. If after 10 seconds you still feel that it's still worth saying, say so. By holding back for 10 seconds, the chat can also continue without your comments or rude remarks that might not be polite or relevant if made.
- Sometimes, the other person is waiting for your answer and a 10 second pause might make things feel awkward. At least, hold yourself for three seconds to think about what you're saying before responding to the other person.
- Take some time to think of something more appropriate to say.
- Don't forget to hold yourself for 10 seconds before uploading, commenting, or replying to posts on the internet. Make sure what you upload won't be regretted later.
Step 3. Think about the consequences
Take some time to think about the impact your words have on the other person and the overall situation. Use your empathy and ask yourself, “How would I feel if someone said that to me?” or “What feelings does this comment make to other people?” By being aware of the embarrassment and hurt that speech can cause, you can learn to hold back what you want to say.
- Remember that words can hurt feelings and even if the other person forgives you, they will remember what you did. He may not say anything right away, but what you say can destroy the relationship with him.
- Do you really want to make him angry? If yes, why? Even if someone has upset you, verbally hurting them is not the way to handle the situation. On the contrary, the problem can get worse.
- Negative actions will trigger more negative actions, and there's not much to gain from complaining or putting someone down.
Step 4. Just think about it without throwing it out
Everyone has had negative or bad thoughts about a person or situation at some time. This is natural. You can think of anything you want. However, problems only arise when those thoughts turn into words that hurt others. Control your speech by thinking about what you want, but only saying what you feel is appropriate or appropriate.
- Always remember this advice: “If you can't say anything nice, it's better to keep quiet.”
- If you can't say anything positive, just smile politely, nod your head, and "subtly" change the subject.
- For example, if a friend says that he's had a makeover, and all you think about is he looks like a clown, don't make that comment. Instead, smile, nod your head, and say, for example, "What made you want to change your appearance?"
Part 2 of 4: Making Up with Someone After an Incident
Step 1. Admit what you said
Even if you say it to yourself, admit that you said something hurtful. Don't underestimate it and forget about it. Acknowledging that you shouldn't have made a comment is the first step in making peace and controlling your sharp tongue.
- Think about what prompted you to say this and something better to say.
- For example, you might think, “Wow! His attitude really offended me. I got defensive and ridiculed him. I should have calmed myself down before responding to her words.”
- Don't wait for someone else to correct you. Most people usually know when a comment is deemed over the line before someone says it. Take responsibility for your own words.
- You can admit or acknowledge your mistake by saying, "What comes out of my mouth is crueler than I mean."
Step 2. Apologize immediately
If you know (or even think) that a comment has been offensive, rude, or hurt someone, you should immediately apologize sincerely. Apologizing right away will mean a lot more to the person you offended than the next time you apologize.
- Acknowledge what you said and immediately say something after, for example, “I'm sorry. I do not mean it. I'm trying to control my speech, but there's still no reason for what I said earlier. I will do my best to prevent something like this from happening again.”
- It may be more appropriate to take the other person somewhere else and apologize in person, depending on what you're saying and the context of the conversation. This will give you the opportunity to further explain what you said earlier and why you brought it up. You can also say that you are trying to keep your mouth shut.
- If the comment was made for a specific user on the internet, delete the comment if possible and send him a private message apologizing for what you said.
Step 3. Apologize publicly if necessary
When your words affect a few people or your mistakes are known to many, you may need to make a public apology. In addition to helping to make peace with those offended, you can also learn to keep your mouth shut by being generous through apologies.
- For example, if you make a rude comment in front of a large number of people, apologize to all of them at once instead of apologizing to everyone personally.
- You can post a public apology for an online comment you find offensive, especially if you know several people have seen it.
Step 4. Rise from the incident you experienced
According to the old adage, you can't turn back time. Take the time to sincerely apologize, think about what you did and why, and what wise steps could be taken in the future, and then emerge from the situation. By reflecting on the problem, apologizing, and rising with the lessons learned from the situation, you will be able to keep your mouth shut in similar situations in the future.
- Try to be a better person in the future. Resolve to hold yourself back for 10 seconds before making a comment so you can better gauge the other person's feelings or condition.
- Try to be careful when speaking, especially to certain people (you've been in trouble with) or similar situations for a while.
Part 3 of 4: Considering the Impact of Speech
Step 1. Protect your career
Leaving your tongue unguarded and using harsh words at work risk getting you a formal warning or even being fired from your job. Think about your future career before saying any inappropriate things that come to mind.
- When providing feedback, don't forget to slip a critique between two positive statements. For example, you might say, “I can see your hard work in this. Maybe it would be better if some extras were included. This additional information may point to the great possibilities you mentioned earlier.”
- In a meeting or group discussion, make sure you take advantage of the 10 second pause before speaking.
- Don't let yourself go too far during breaks. Make sure informal situations don't leave you feeling free to speak. You are still at work. Therefore, do not gossip, demean others, berate, and others.
Step 2. Take care of your reputation
Several studies have shown that frequent use of harsh words, insults, and sarcasm makes you appear unintelligent, mature, and able to handle stressful situations. Imagine the reputation you want to earn and make sure your tongue doesn't get in the way of you achieving that reputation. Say things that reflect your intelligence, maturity, and problem-solving abilities.
Step 3. Consider your relationships
Some things that are said when you don't keep your mouth shut can irritate loved ones or make your partner question their desire to stay in a relationship with you. Thinking about the impact of your words, and the fact that existing relationships could be ruined can help you keep your word for better.
- For example, do rising tones and harsh words make your partner feel that you don't respect or care about him or her?
- Have family members ever said that your words hurt their feelings?
- If you're not sure, ask a loved one if your speech affected it (and how it did).
Part 4 of 4: Making Long-Term Changes
Step 1. Think about your motives
By figuring out the reasons and when your tongue is not awake, you can guard against it by recognizing situations that prompt your mouth to say spicy things. Think about what made you say something rude or mean as your first reaction. Think about whether you're speechless in certain situations or when you're around certain people.
- Is this a natural reaction on your part? Are you not good at communicating? Have you always had trouble keeping your mouth shut all this time?
- Are you compelled to speak freely when you are with certain people? For example, does an annoying coworker make you want to yell at her all the time?
- Are you looking for attention? Do you feel that this is a way of getting attention from other people? Is the attention positive or negative?
- Does this happen more often when you're feeling nervous, depressed, or defensive? For example, do you often slip up when something offends you or are you in an unpleasant situation?
Step 2. Limit consumption of alcoholic beverages and other substances that lower self-defense
Sometimes, the lowered self-defense caused by drinking causes us to say things that we will later regret. Think about whether alcohol consumption is a factor that triggers your sharp tongue and if so, limit or avoid alcohol consumption in unexpected situations (in which case, you don't want to slip up or lose track of what you're talking about).
For example, if you know that drinking alcohol can lower your defenses and prompt you to say things you'll regret, it may be a good idea to have only one drink at a company party, or not drink at all. That way, you don't have to be afraid if you offend your boss or even get fired
Step 3. Be a listener
Many people who often offend others talk more, and don't listen much. Guard your tongue by consciously listening to the other person speaking, instead of thinking about what you want to say in return.
- Listen to the other person so you can get a hint on topics that you feel are sensitive areas that need to be avoided.
- Try asking open-ended questions instead of commenting. You can ask questions like “What did you do after that?” or “What are your thoughts/feelings about it?”
Step 4. Avoid sensitive topics
Stay away from chats about finances, race, romantic relationships, religion, politics, etc. when you talk to people outside your circle of friends. These topics are closely related to one's beliefs and values. What you say can trigger anger and offend the other person.
- If other people are discussing these things, try to stay away from the conversation. If possible, redirect the chat to a safer topic.
- If you do need to comment on something, remember to hold back for 10 seconds to think about what needs to be said and its potential impact on others.
- Keep in mind that some things that are said as jokes or sarcasm can be considered discriminatory.
