In English, the term cutter can refer to someone who injures himself or herself in the face of emotional stress, adversity, or trauma caused by post-traumatic stress, violence (whether sexual, physical, or emotional), and low self-esteem. If your loved one often exhibits this behavior, he or she may be doing it to calm him or her down, to distract him from the hurt, or to show that he needs help. While of course you'll feel uneasy when you realize that your loved one has a habit of self-harm, you don't have to worry because someone's goal in doing this is usually not suicide. If you care about a loved one exhibiting this behavior, there are several things you can do to help them.
Step
Part 1 of 2: Recognizing the Situation
Step 1. Approach the person you care about
Let him know that you genuinely care about him and are not judging him. If you are judgmental, his trust in you can be shattered. To approach her in an open way, you can say something like "I see you have some cuts on your arm, and I'm worried you might hurt yourself," and/or "Would you like to talk about your problem?" Sayings like that can let him know that you are aware of his situation and are ready to help, rather than judge.
- Let her know that she is not alone and that you are there to help her when she needs help.
- Thank him for trusting you by telling him something very personal. He's more likely to open up to you if he knows that you have good intentions.
- Focus your conversation with him about the future by starting to ask what you can do to help (don't start the conversation with a question like "Why are you behaving this way?").
Step 2. Help him identify the urges he feels
These urges were the things that made him feel like hurting himself. It is important for you and the person concerned to recognize these urges. That way, he can seek help when he knows he's in a situation that might further encourage him to hurt himself.
There are special things that encourage the person concerned to hurt himself. Therefore, it is important that you work with him to identify what tends to drive him to self-harm. Ask him what made him want to hurt himself so much in the past. Also ask him where he was at the time, what he was doing, or what he was thinking about there
Step 3. Share ways to deal with pressure
Teach him new ways to deal with stress, such as exercising for 30 minutes (at least) three times a week, taking walks in nature, engaging in hobby-related activities, pretending to hurt yourself by snapping a rubber band around your arm or draw on your arm using a marker, or spend time with your closest friends.
Remind him that sometimes people deal with pressure in a different way or find ways to deal with pressure that are more effective than others. That way, he can find out and experiment on his own to determine which way works best for him
Step 4. Don't make promises you can't keep
Recognize the limitations that exist in yourself. If you can't always stay with the person when you're dealing with this behavior problem, it's a good idea to let someone else help or tell the person that you can only be with them temporarily. Avoid promises like “I'll always be there,” or “I'll never leave,” unless you're sure you can prove it. If you're not sure, you can say "I'll help as much as I can."
People who are used to self-harm already have their own inner difficulties or stresses in their lives. The development they show to not hurt themselves can of course be hampered by the appearance of people in their lives who simply can't support or help them in the long term. If everyone left them, they would experience fear. Remember that actions are far more meaningful and effective than words or promises
Step 5. Stay calm
While it's natural to feel surprised to learn that someone you know is exhibiting self-injurious behavior, it's important that you remain calm. Your first reaction, of course, will be shock, and that reaction won't help the person concerned. Avoid judgmental remarks like “Why did you do that?”, “You shouldn't have done that,” or “I would never hurt myself like that.” These negative remarks can make the person feel worse and embarrassed, and may even encourage him to hurt himself more often.
Before you do anything, try to calm down and take a deep breath. Remember that you can handle this situation. Patience and attention are the only keys to making your situation better
Step 6. Know the reasons behind the self-injurious behavior
You can find out yourself or get information about the reasons why he hurt himself directly from him. He may injure himself as a way to control himself or to soothe an inner wound. By understanding the reasons behind the behavior, you can be more empathetic to him. Below are some other reasons that might encourage someone to self-harm:
- Some people injure themselves because mental wounds are more painful than physical wounds. By injuring themselves, they can take their mind off the anxiety, stress, or depression they are experiencing.
- Others self-harm because they have experienced excessive criticism or violence and punish themselves for experiencing it.
- Self-injurious behavior can make the perpetrator more focused and allow him to quickly 'escape' from the reality that makes them feel depressed or difficult.
- There are also people who hurt themselves because they learned the behavior from others and found it an acceptable way to deal with problems.
Step 7. Stay supportive
You may or may not be able to handle this situation yourself. Therefore, be prepared for the possibility that you may need the help of others or professionals. Also, be prepared to be there for the person for a long period of time because support is a long term commitment.
- You also need to be careful not to get so busy helping the person in question that you forget about yourself and your own needs.
- Don't immediately try to get him to stop his self-injury behavior because it probably won't happen. Listen to him and let him express his feelings.
- Try to be empathetic to the person by putting yourself in their shoes and understanding their difficulties.
Step 8. Be patient
This process takes a long time and will not happen in a very short time. Don't expect him to wake up one day and turn into an optimist because that won't happen. This will be more difficult to happen especially if he knows that you have expectations about him that he may not be able to realize in the end. Instead, show him that you believe he will become an even better person, without putting pressure on him.
- Accept how he feels even if you don't agree with his behavior. Don't teach him how he should feel, but try to listen to what he has to say. Even if this process has been going on for weeks or months, you still need to support it no matter what.
- For example, if he says that this behavior is because he feels he has very low self-esteem, you could say, “Thanks for telling me why. It's definitely not easy to express your feelings. Sometimes I feel low too, and you're right, it hurts a lot."
- If you want to cheer him up, say something like "I'm proud of the effort you put in." If he returns to this behavior (which is likely to happen), don't judge him right away. Say something like "Everyone has problems sometimes, but trust me I'm here to help you and I love you."
Part 2 of 2: Providing Help
Step 1. Get medical help if needed
Self-injury behavior can harm the perpetrator physically or mentally. Physically, existing wounds can become infected easily. Sometimes, the person who exhibits this behavior will make the wound bigger or deeper to fulfill his desire to feel pain. If this behavior is not stopped, the perpetrator risks being rushed to the hospital for more serious injuries.
Mentally, this behavior can lead to other psychological problems, such as low self-esteem or depression. This behavior can be formed by habits that can later make it difficult for the perpetrator if at any time he needs to be given treatment. The longer the abuser has to wait for help, the harder it will be to break the habit
Step 2. Help the person find a therapist or counselor
While many people with this behavior are reluctant to seek professional help and sometimes refuse to admit that they are exhibiting problematic behavior, don't ignore the fact that their behavior is indeed problematic. Stay persistent. Don't try to force him, but encourage him in a nice way to talk to a professional about his problems. Remind him that he shouldn't be embarrassed that he exhibits this behavior and that millions of people visit a therapist or counselor to talk about their problems. Also remember that a therapist can help provide ways to deal with problems that can prove useful. Basically, seeing a therapist or counselor is not really a need for help, but a way for the abuser to show a better behavior or condition.
- Also remind your friend that therapists are people who are specially trained to help people who are experiencing very difficult emotional conditions, as well as to create a non-judgmental environment in which they find a safe place to work through very difficult problems.
- Look for professionals or support groups in your city that have expertise in dealing with self-injurious behavior. Offer help from these parties to people you care about. A support group or specialist who understands these behaviors well can enhance the healing efforts you have started for a friend or loved one.
- Support groups can help people who exhibit self-injurious behavior better because they will feel that they are not alone and know that no one in the group will judge them because they are all in a similar situation. However, you still need to monitor the person's progress and their participation in a therapy group that is followed closely, because sometimes group therapy can actually make the person's self-injurious behavior worse, not better.
Step 3. Help the person solve the problems behind the behavior
While the behavior is often not caused by a single problem, it's a good idea to try to identify and work out solutions for any causes you may find. Once these stressor factors are identified, immediately address the existing problems to reduce self-injury behavior in the person concerned. You can use the methods below to deal with the problem at hand:
- Try to be more frequent and more open when talking to the person concerned. Listen to him empathetically, and identify and relate to the problem that triggers the behavior.
- Try to identify the person's thoughts and analyze speech such as "I feel good when I hurt myself and it makes me feel good." Overcome such thoughts and help them replace them with better ones, such as “Self-injury is dangerous behavior. While these behaviors may provide temporary comfort, they are unhealthy and are not a viable long-term solution.”
- Think of better strategies for dealing with stress and help him identify and use them. However, the strategies used will depend on the person concerned and the reason for the behavior. Some people may need to be surrounded by more people, or be more busy with other activities, or may need to be alone and calm. Think about what strategies or ways could help the person. Try to think about his personality and ask him directly.
Step 4. Spend your time with the person concerned
He needs emotional support and can find favor with someone like you who will encourage him to do other, healthier activities to vent his feelings. Social support has been shown to reduce stress which in turn relieves emotional problems in the person concerned. Encourage him to get involved in a hobby that he might enjoy. Schedule time to take a nature walk in a nearby forest park or go fishing with him. Do whatever you can (with good reason, of course) to distract him from the self-injurious behavior.
You don't have to be a mental health professional to help people with self-injurious behaviors feel better. You just need to listen patiently and be considerate and non-judgmental even though you may feel that self-harm is unnatural or incomprehensible. People like that don't need your opinion. They just want to be heard
Step 5. Help the person learn techniques that work for him or her
Skills related to problem solving and handling and communication are very important to reduce self-injury behavior. Consult your therapist to help the person learn the techniques.
Reliable information on troubleshooting techniques from the internet can also be useful. You can help the person explain what the techniques look like in real life. Once he learns the ability to handle pressure and solve problems, and practice them effectively, his self-injurious behavior will usually lessen. Try reading the information on this site as a reference source
Step 6. Distract her from self-injurious behavior
Often, the main purpose of these behaviors is to divert attention from the hurt or stress and, as a result, to find satisfaction in itself. You can learn about other distraction techniques that can reduce self-injury, and then practice them. These techniques are expected to help reduce this behavior. Below are some techniques you can try:
- Exercising. Exercise can help maintain emotional balance and reduce stress levels.
- Write a diary, to pour out unpleasant thoughts.
- Putting him in the company of those who love him, who will be held accountable for his actions.
- Tell him to express his feelings physically, but in a way other than self-harm. He may be able to squeeze ice, hit a pillow, tear paper, throw a watermelon to shreds, or write something on his own body with a marker.
Step 7. Pay attention to the circle of friends he has
The circle of friends is important, especially for teenagers. Often times, people who exhibit self-injurious behavior begin to exhibit the behavior after seeing a friend do the same thing and then repeat the behavior. He may also read or be exposed to sites that promote or glorify self-injurious behavior, or see it through news, music, or other media. Make sure you talk to him about the importance of thinking critically about the effects of the media and that what the media presents is actually different from reality.
