Women, men, lovers, family members, romance experts, and television speakers all argue about whether two lovers can really be friends after a breakup. Opinions seem to be split almost equally: a 2004 NBC poll found about 48% of respondents remained friends with their ex-boyfriend after the relationship ended. For some, friendship with an ex is natural. For others, it is a foolish attempt and a further invitation to heartbreak. Your success will depend on your shared personality and history, but if you're ready to try to befriend your ex, keep reading!
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Method 1 of 3: Achieving Post-Break Peace
Step 1. Realize that not all exes can be friends
There are various reasons not to be friends with an ex-boyfriend. He may still have a crush on you – in this case, hanging out with him just as a friend is cruel. The opposite may be true – if you still love him, you will be setting yourself up for disappointment. Lastly, maybe your relationship broke up because of something so serious that it's impossible to see each other without hatred. If one of you is very hurt, give each other a break.
Even if he's calm, emotionally stable, and your relationship history doesn't have any gaping wounds, you may not want to see your ex again. It does not matter. Broken couples don't have to be friends
Step 2. Give him time
Even the cleanest breakup can cause anger on both sides. Immediately after breaking up, there is a chance that he will be sad or angry. This is not the right time to approach him as a friend. Wait until his emotional state stabilizes before continuing.
- Likewise, listen to your own heart. If you're still holding on to anger or a little depression, give yourself some time to calm down before making contact.
- The length of time you've been apart from each other after your breakup will depend a lot on the event itself. A "more severe" breakup can take months or even years before your feelings settle to the point where normal friendships allow.
Step 3. Do something for yourself
The period after a breakup is a great opportunity to reflect and improve. Once you've given your emotions back to normal, spend some of the time you previously spent with your boyfriend hanging out with friends. Keep yourself busy with hobbies or school. Spend time learning new skills. Do the things you enjoy doing, alone or with friends. By improving yourself, you also restore your self-confidence and independence, making it much easier for you to make new friends (and, possibly, romance).
After a few weeks of self-improvement, you'll realize that you're not thinking about your ex anymore! Then it's easier to start a new friendship with him or to even ignore him completely – whichever you choose
Step 4. Create a contact
Once you've had plenty of time for yourself and feel ready to take the plunge, please call, text, email, or call your ex. Take it easy – you may need to talk to one of his friends beforehand to get a clue as to how emotional he is at that moment. Keep things as light as possible – don't talk about past relationships or breakups. Just say that you haven't seen him in a while and that you want to meet him casually. If you have "forgotten" it should be true!
- If your ex doesn't immediately respond to your attempts to make contact, don't try again right away. He may not have moved on from the old relationship as quickly as you. Give him more time.
- Whatever you do, don't leave a lot of messages on his phone! If you feel like doing it, you're almost certainly not ready for friendship.
Method 2 of 3: Making New Friends
Step 1. Spend time with him (with care)
Get together with your ex at a small social event. To start, keep the event short and simple – going to a cafe or an art museum, for example. Make a full (or at least mock) schedule. When things get awkward, you can always walk away with the excuse that you're late for somewhere else.
Clear don't do anything that could be construed as a date. Don't go out late, drink alcohol, or dance. You could fall in love again, and if you haven't fixed the things that caused the breakup, you're putting yourself at risk of heartbreak again. What's worse, you could screw up the new love relationship you both started with someone else.
Step 2. Tell him directly that you want to be friends
Your ex may be confused about your intentions if you don't explain what you want. Just say "I hope we can be friends." or ask the question "We're still friends, right?" Do not let the matter float – if you're vague about what you want out of this new relationship, he may think that you're trying to get back together. Save yourself the terrible drama by being open and honest with her from the start.
Step 3. Don't pretend that nothing has changed
One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to act like nothing happened after a breakup. This will give the impression that you don't care. This can really hurt her feelings – which at this point, is something you shouldn't do. After making contact, admit your breakup without thinking too much about it. You could try using the following sentences:
- "I'm glad to see you again."
- "I really hope you're better. I'm better myself."
- "I want to forget everything and start again as friends."
Step 4. Tell the other person that you and your ex are just friends
If their friends find out about your old relationship, they'll be curious to know what's going on between the two of you. If you have reason to suspect that he's not being honest with his friends, don't let him make up a lie. Tell them that you want to be friends with him and nothing more. If they hear from your ex that you really want to get back together but hear from you that you don't want to get back together, they may (and rightly) assume that it is your ex who is desperate to get back.
- This gives you an added advantage – he'll probably talk to his friends, and they'll tell him that you said the relationship was just friendship. If he sees that you define the relationship in platonic terms in front of other people, he will have more incentive to respect your opinion.
- If you or he has a new girlfriend, make sure that your friendship intentions are clear to this new boyfriend at that moment. Even if you've made it clear, feelings of jealousy may be unavoidable – if that's the case, you should weigh this over a new friendship with your ex.
Step 5. Show that you still care about him
Make sure he knows he can still turn to you when he's feeling down. If he's having a bad day, talk to him. Show that you still care about his feelings. However, do this as a friend – don't hold, hug, or do anything else that might evoke old feelings. Instead, offer to talk to him – usually, he'll appreciate the opportunity to talk about his problems to someone who understands him well.
Instead, let him (appreciatively) show that he cares about you. He probably does care. Accept his good intentions and talk to him when you want, but don't let him use your vulnerability as an excuse to enter your heart again
Method 3 of 3: Maintaining Good Relationships
Step 1. Recognize the signs that he still has feelings for you
It's hard for anyone to suddenly view someone they used to love as an ordinary friend. Some people can't do it. If your ex exhibits any of the following behaviors, you may want to consider giving him more time to get over the relationship that ended:
- Calling or texting regularly for no specific reason
- Keep talking to your friends
- Making hints or jokes that are too intimate and inappropriate
- Exaggerating your old relationship
- Touches or rubs against you, intentionally or unintentionally
Step 2. Be very clear on your new boyfriend
If you've had a new boyfriend since breaking up with your ex, the situation becomes even more complex. Even the most understanding boyfriend is very likely to be jealous at first. Some may never stop being jealous. The best thing you can do is let him know clearly and calmly that you no longer have feelings for your ex. Explain to your current boyfriend that you only love him and that you just want a harmless and insignificant relationship with your ex – nothing more. Make it very, very clear that you don't (better if you say you can't) think about your ex "that way" anymore.
- Your ex should also discuss this with his new girlfriend, if he has one.
- Don't do anything that gives your new boyfriend reason to suspect cheating. For example, don't be away longer than you say until he is comfortable with the idea of you meeting your ex. However, if your new boyfriend is being extremely paranoid about your new friendship with your ex (always texting him asking how you're with your ex, etc.), you CAN reprimand him. If you don't give him a reason not to trust you, you deserve his trust.
Step 3. Don't get stuck on old patterns
If you want to be friends with your ex, don't do the things you used to do when you were dating. If you do that, you create inappropriate feelings of infidelity (if you have a new boyfriend) and put yourself at risk of "repeat" heartbreak. Start something new – take this opportunity to gain new perspectives and activities as friends.
- Avoid locations you used to frequent – don't go to the restaurant where you usually have breakfast or the bar where you first met.
- Turn down invitations to take part in activities you often do together – if he invites you to feed you chicken noodles in the garden that you used to do every Sunday, say that you prefer coffee.
Step 4. Make sure you and your ex are both unharmed
The first interactions with your ex can be tense, but with luck, this will soon turn to friendliness. After you let your guard down, you may find that one or both of you still have emotional scars. Deep-rooted feelings of hurt and betrayal take time to emerge. If you see this, it may be a sign that you and your ex are not ready to be friends.
- If you become sad or angry around your ex even though both of you are outwardly happy, or if you always feel like saying more to him than you politely say, your problem may not be over. Take a minute to get away from that friendship.
- On the other hand, if he seems moody or quick to anger or he doesn't talk to you about anything meaningful even though he wants to meet, he may be thinking about the old relationship and/or the things that led to the breakup. You can ask him that, but be careful this could lead to irrational anger or sadness.
Step 5. Let your relationship deepen gradually
As time passes, the two of you may become close again. Take it slow – you should only allow friendships to develop if it seems natural. Set boundaries for yourself from the start – things you won't do or talk about with this person – and remove them only if you believe you can trust them.
There's still a chance that you don't want to be friends with your ex! In this case, stop hanging out with him, but be careful – he might not give up that easily. Awkward attachment feelings are most likely to occur when you're trying to start a friendship with your ex
Tips
- When someone asks what's going on between the two of you, use it to say, "Oh, we're friends." That will give you the impression you want.
- Make jokes and make him smile.
- Talk to him like you would talk to your best friend.
- If your school is the same, try to get involved with the same group to do assignments. Group work will bring you closer.
Warning
- Don't try to be friends with him if he does something bad that ends your relationship. This will make you look like someone who is easily offended or fooled.
- Never talk to him about the past, as this will create an awkward moment in the conversation and possibly mess with your goals.
- Depending on how badly the relationship ended, you may not be able to be friends with him anymore.
