Marriage requires a relationship based on trust. When that trust is disturbed because of for example infidelity, drug use, dishonesty or something else, both parties to the marriage should try to rebuild the marriage. Marriage can be rebuilt by restoring trust. There are concrete steps that both parties can take to help rebuild the marriage.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Making a Decision
Step 1. Decide to rebuild the marriage
This is the first step in restoring trust. If you haven't committed to rebuilding your marriage, you won't be able to truly participate in restoring trust. Determined to rebuild a marriage instead of abandoning it is the first step to applying the honesty needed in this process.
- Sometimes people decide to abandon their marriage rather than restore it. If so, you're only wasting time trying to rebuild instead of trying to move on or move on. You may find that your relationship with your partner improves or turns into a friendship once you've decided not to rebuild your marriage.
- Only you can decide whether you want to rebuild the marriage or not. Friends and family usually share their opinion on what you should do. This is natural. However, you have to be aware of what is good for you and make your own decisions.
- Having children in a marriage has a big influence on decisions. However, maintaining a marriage for the sake of children is generally not a good thing. Children can adapt to a divorce.
Step 2. Ask yourself what kind of marriage you want
Think about whether you have changed your mind about what you want in your marriage and whether your thoughts are realistic or not.
- Sometimes, people grow farther and farther apart. Who you were 10 years ago may not be what you are today. Your partner may not change in the same way, and this can create problems. However, that doesn't mean any of you are bad.
- It is important to understand what your partner wants. He may not be happy either.
- Many times a newly married couple has a vision of the perfect wedding. When this image didn't come true, he also felt cheated. It is important to know whether these feelings are part of the marriage agreement or not.
- Couples experiencing a crisis in their marriage are often proven to have a stronger marriage in the long run.
- Part of making the decision to rebuild a marriage is rethinking your expectations of marriage. If you and your partner have different expectations of marriage, you should try to compromise.
- Both parties must commit to rebuilding the marriage. It takes a lot of emotional effort to build a marriage, and if one party is unwilling or able to change his or her behavior, this will not happen. As obvious as it may seem, sometimes one party desperately wants to rebuild the marriage and ignores the fact that the other party doesn't want to. Sometimes one of the parties (and sometimes both parties) denies the commitment to rebuild the marriage.
- Make it clear what kind of wedding you want. Everyone has different desires, and a lasting marriage has clear shared hopes, visions, and goals and may not really be the same as other marriages. But first, you need to be clear about what you want. Rebuilding a marriage is an opportunity to find out what went wrong in your opinion, and what you would like to change.
Step 3. Get help
It can help if you talk to a professional. It could be a counselor, a clergyman who has expertise in marriage counseling, or a psychologist. Someone who is not emotionally involved in the marriage can help you identify patterns of behavior or communication that negatively affect the marriage.
- Negative communication patterns are difficult to change on their own. If you're trying to make decisions about rebuilding your marriage, you may need someone else's help to learn and identify communications that are making you feel depressed, insecure, or want to end the conversation quickly.
- When you and your partner have become "roommates" and are no longer intimate, a counselor or therapist can help you remember how intimate your relationship was.
- If you feel the only reason to rebuild your marriage is for your children, you can talk to a professional about it. Maintaining a marriage for the sake of children is generally not a strong enough reason to make a decision to rebuild a marriage.
Step 4. Take the necessary steps to restore trust
If you are the cause of the loss of trust in your marriage, you will need to take a few additional steps to restore your partner's trust in you. Make a commitment to be honest and be open about your plans and communications (including email, text and telephone). Don't resist trying to be honest and open.
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Try to avoid sharing detailed information about past mistakes. Bringing up the betrayal obsessively doesn't help your partner to get over it.
- What is important to one party may not be so to another. Let your partner decide what he or she wants to know.
- Understand that even if you tell the truth, it will take time to restore trust. Your partner probably won't believe you opening a separate bank account or going out with the opposite sex. You may have to take steps to restore trust, such as cutting off contact with certain people, looking for another job, or stopping traveling alone without a partner.
- You can try to learn your own reasons for breaking this trust. This means you learn your own fragility and insecurities. Try to be open about this process with your partner.
- Never blame others for your betrayal. If you're trying to decide whether or not to remarry, you really have to take responsibility for your actions.
Part 2 of 3: Taking Steps to Rebuild a Marriage
Step 1. Focus on rebuilding the friendship in your marriage
Married couples who have strong friendships are more likely to enjoy lasting and happy relationships. If you are not on good terms with your partner, rebuilding the relationship is a great first step. Some things you can do to improve your friendship with your partner include:
- Spending quality time together
- Sharing each other's lives, hopes and dreams
- Setting common goals
- Be honest with each other
- Respect each other
- Motivate each other
- Forgive
- Respect and care for each other
Step 2. Realize the good side of your partner
Stop talking bad about your partner to other people outside of marriage. When chatting with friends and family, make sure you only have positive things to say about your partner. Tell your partner what you like about them.
- Often marriages that have to be rebuilt focus on the negative. You can drastically change your marriage by focusing on the positives instead of the negatives.
- Get rid of negative observations thoroughly. Even if you only say two positive things about your partner a week, you're more likely to notice the difference.
Step 3. Change your expectations
It's easy for us to have a list of things we want from the perfect partner, but this is not realistic for your partner. You don't have to like everything about your partner. Learning to accept each other's boundaries is important in rebuilding a marriage.
- Learning to develop realistic forms of trust can help you to prevent yourself from feeling resentful. Living with hatred destroys the quality of your marriage.
- Many disagreements in marriage have not been resolved. By changing your expectations of marriage, two people in a marriage can "agree to disagree" without sacrificing trust. Disagreements don't have to keep you and your partner from experiencing deep satisfaction and take away trust in marriage.
Step 4. Focus on changing yourself
One of the reasons why marriages deteriorate is dissatisfaction with life. Instead of expecting your partner to provide you with the life you want, try making these changes yourself.
- If you stop doing some of the activities you enjoy because your partner doesn't care about them, try starting again. You don't have to do everything together. If you like running, for example, join a running community.
- Try to be honest about the challenges you have experienced to help you rebuild your marriage. Look for areas where you can improve, no matter how big or small the change is.
- Try learning to identify challenges to help you become more forgiving of your partner, too.
Step 5. Try to give an ultimatum
Sometimes stating what needs to be changed is the only way to rebuild a relationship. For example, an alcoholic may have to stop drinking before any changes can be made in the process of rebuilding the relationship. If you're married to an active addict, it's okay to say he or she has to go through rehab before this marriage can be rebuilt.
- Groups like Al-Anon in the US, for example, can be helpful in learning how to set healthy boundaries with drug or alcohol addicts.
- If you have set ultimatums, try to be consistent. If you are not consistent, the relationship can deteriorate.
- Not all ultimatums relate to drug addiction. It could be about something that is completely unacceptable in a marriage, such as infidelity, overwork, not being able to control expenses, etc.
Step 6. Let go of the past
If you keep bringing up past problems, you could have a hard time dealing with the real problems in the present. Try to stop discussing past disappointments or betrayals and focus on the current state of your marriage.
- Whatever your parents did or didn't do, your marriage is your marriage. Never use the past to justify your behavior or blame your partner.
- Delete the words "You always" or "You never". This kind of mindset sees current behavior through the lens of the past and prevents you from moving forward in the remarriage-building process.
- Feeling resentful about things that happened in the past is natural. Try to learn to deal with your feelings without bringing up past events. Remind yourself that what happened is past.
Part 3 of 3: Stepping into the Future
Step 1. Try to share your feelings with each other
This can be difficult because many people are taught not to talk about feelings. However, this is an important part of rebuilding a marriage. Intimate relationships require courage. Expressing your feelings means taking responsibility for them, instead of blaming someone else.
- While you're past the early stages of rebuilding your marriage, continue to deepen your relationship with each other. The best way to do this is to develop the habit of trusting each other and opening up.
- Maybe you can find a way to train yourself to talk about your feelings. For example, some marriages are helped by setting up "date nights" where honest communication takes place. Others try to communicate difficult feelings through writing that feels easier.
Step 2. Avoid blaming
In a healthy marriage, each partner is responsible for his or her own thoughts, feelings, and words. You have a choice how you respond to one another.
- A good way is to use the word "I" in sentences when discussing sensitive issues with your partner. Instead of saying "You did…" or "You feel…", try to use your own perspective. "I did…" or "I feel…" This simple technique will open the conversation to a deeper level of honesty.
- If your partner blames you for something, don't get defensive. This will only make things worse. Instead, try to be honest about your feelings.
- Remember that your emotions and emotional reactions are your own. Neither is the responsibility of your partner.
Step 3. Learn to make things right after a fight
Sometimes disagreements occur even in the healthiest marriages. You can minimize the damage done by ending the argument properly. Couples can use several ways to make things right after a disagreement: using humor, finding ways to agree, and showing genuine appreciation for their partner's perspective.
- Keeping a commitment to one another helps you to strengthen your point of view. Try asking "How important is this?" In the next 20 years, you most likely won't remember this disagreement. Your relationship is more important than winning this fight.
- You can choose to focus on the positive in each other, even during an argument. This is a great way and can provide deep insight into your marriage.
Step 4. Get the right help
A therapist, professional or religious counselor can help you understand the patterns that are forming in your marriage. Try to discuss with your partner to find out what kind of help you are looking for to rebuild the marriage.
- You may choose this help individually, but the person helping this has to work for you. For example, if you are very religious but your partner is not, a religious counselor is not the right choice to save the marriage. Instead, try to use the services of a professional marriage therapist or counselor.
- Couples who know why problems arise can solve them better, or may even need additional help. A counselor can help you learn to be patient with one another as the process of rebuilding a marriage progresses.
Step 5. Practice patience
Marriage cannot be rebuilt overnight. It takes time to recognize and change longstanding patterns of communication and trust. Try to learn to trust your partner (not think negatively of him), and assume that he is being sincere.
- Don't rush this process. Forgiveness and trust are very intimate issues, and are different for each person. Give your partner time as needed to develop these two good things and do the same for yourself. Do not panic if these two things do not appear immediately.
- If you're feeling angry or frustrated, try taking a break to calm down.
