Some are naturally shy, while others may be easy to get along with. Most people are somewhere between "introvert" and "extrovert." Whatever your natural tendencies are, sometimes things like social anxiety and a lack of self-confidence can get in the way and keep you away from those around you. Luckily, you can learn how to train your brain to beat these things!
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Part 1 of 4: Positive Thinking
Step 1. Learn the difference between being introverted and shy
Being an introvert and being so shy that you can't converse with other people at a party are two different things. Introvert is a type of personality; this is what makes you feel happy and comfortable. On the other hand, shyness, created from fear or anxiety to interact with other people. Learning how to tell the difference between being introverted and shy can help you overcome low self-esteem.
- Introverts usually like solitude. They feel “refreshed” by being alone. They like to meet other people, but they usually prefer to do so in small groups and gatherings rather than in large numbers. If you feel happy and comfortable with being alone, as if this meets your needs, then you are probably an introvert.
- Shyness can cause anxiety when interacting with other people. Unlike introverts, who like solitude, shy people usually wish they could interact with others more often, but are afraid to do so.
- Research shows that shyness and being introverted have a very distant relationship -- in other words, being shy doesn't mean you're an introvert, and someone who's introverted doesn't mean they “hate other people.”
- You can take Wellesley College's online shyness quiz to find out how shy you are. A score above 49 indicates that you are very shy, between 34-49 indicates that you are somewhat shy, and below 34 indicates that you are not.
Step 2. Turn self-awareness into self-empowerment
Coping with low self-esteem is difficult when you feel like other people have a problem with everything about you. However, science shows that we are our own worst critics -- oftentimes, other people don't even notice our weaknesses that we think are too ugly. Learn how to analyze your actions from an attitude of acceptance and understanding of yourself rather than criticizing them.
- Self-awareness is created from where shame and insecurity are entrenched. We worry that other people judge us as badly as we do them, because we always judge ourselves based on our mistakes and sins.
- For example, a thought based on self-awareness might say something like, "I can't believe I just said that. What an idiot." These thoughts are self-judgmental and will not help.
- A self-empowering thought would sound something like, “Wow, I really can't remember his name! I have to come up with a strategy so I can remember other people's names better.” This thought admits that you messed up something, but you don't see the mess as the end. This thought is also self-empowering by suggesting that you can learn how to do things differently later on.
Step 3. Remember that no one cares about you as closely as you pay attention to yourself
People who struggle with low self-esteem often think that those around them are watching and waiting for their downfall. When you're in a social situation, do you spend all your time watching the actions of everyone in the room? Of course not -- you'll be too busy focusing on the things that really matter to you. And, did you know? So is the case with most other people.
- “Personalization” is a common cognitive distraction, or bad way of thinking, that the brain has developed as a habit. Personalize blaming yourself for things that aren't really your responsibility. Personalization can make you think of everything as personal, even if it's really something that has nothing to do with you.
- Learn to deal with it by reminding yourself that not everything in this world is about you. Your coworker who doesn't wave back at you may not be angry with you; maybe he hasn't seen you, or he just had a bad day, or maybe he's worried about things you don't know about. Remember that everyone has a rich internal life, which is made up of thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires. This can help you realize that most people will likely be too busy to waste time watching your every move.
Step 4. Analyze self-critical thoughts
You may be worried about overcoming your low self-esteem because you're constantly reminding yourself of all the things you're doing that messes up a social situation. You might leave these situations thinking, "I was too quiet," "The only comments I made were really stupid," or "I think I offended him and him…" Hey, sure, we've all messed up a story. social situations, but the truth is we've all been successful in dealing with them! Instead of obsessing over the bad things you may or may not do, focus on the positives. Remind yourself that you can make other people laugh, that they seem genuinely happy to see you, or that you make a good point about something.
- Screening is another common cognitive nuisance. This happens when you focus only on what is wrong, and ignore everything else that is right. This is a natural human tendency.
- Fight filtering by thinking more about your experience and acknowledging the true things in it. You can keep a small notebook and write down any positive things whenever they happen, no matter how small they may seem to you. You can even take notes on your Twitter or Instagram account to record these little moments.
- When you realize you're thinking negative things, remember the positives and remind yourself that you did things well. And if you're not great at something by now, you can still learn it!
Step 5. Find out what makes you unique
If you want to overcome low self-esteem, then you must develop a sense of self-confidence and self-love. If you are happy with who you are, then you are more likely to share yourself with others. Think about the things that make you special: your unique sense of humor, your travel experiences, the intelligence you gain as a result of reading things. Be proud of the things that make you who you are and remind yourself that you do have qualities that deserve to be shared the next time you step out into this world.
- Make a list of things that make you proud of yourself in some way.
- Nothing is too “small” for this list! We generally get into the habit of underestimating our talents and accomplishments (this is another cognitive disorder), assuming that whatever we know isn't as cool as what other people know. But remember, not everyone knows how to play the ukulele or make the perfect scrambled eggs, or look for the best shopping deals. Whatever you can do, be proud of it.
Step 6. Visualize success
Before you enter into a social situation, imagine yourself, walking into the room proud and confident. Imagine people who are genuinely happy to see you, and you make them respond positively to their social interactions with you. You don't have to imagine yourself as the center of attention (in fact, things may not even be what you want!), but you do have to imagine the end result you want to achieve. This action will help you work towards achieving it.
- There are two types of visualization, and you need to use both to achieve the best results. With “visualization of the end result,” you imagine yourself hitting the target. Close your eyes and imagine your next social interaction, one that will be fun and enjoyable for you. Imagine body language, words, and gestures, as well as positive reactions from other people. Imagine them smiling at you, laughing at your jokes, and genuinely enjoying spending time with you.
- With “process visualization,” you have to envision the steps you need to take to achieve your goal. For example, in order to achieve that easy and relaxed social interaction, what is your imaginary self doing? Maybe prepare some “small talk?” Cheering yourself up with a few positive sentences beforehand? What actions will increase your chances of success?
- Visualization is really a mental “practice”. Visualization allows you to "rehearse" a situation before you experience it. You can also identify potential messes and look for ways to resolve them.
- Visualizations can help you achieve your goals because they can actually trick your brain into believing that you have actually achieved your goals.
Part 2 of 4: Boost Confidence
Step 1. Master something
Another way to develop confidence and enthusiasm for talking to others is to learn something new. This can be anything from decorative surfing to creative writing, or cooking Italian food. You don't have to be the greatest person in the world in a field; what matters is that you try and acknowledge your success. Mastering things will not only increase your self-confidence, but it will also provide topics to talk about with other people, and you may also meet new friends.
- If you're already an expert at something, great! Add these to your list of things that make you unique. And don't be afraid to try something else.
- Learning new skills also helps to keep your brain sharp. As the brain is constantly challenged with new information and tasks, it becomes more flexible and adaptable -- and this is the perfect thing to help you overcome low self-esteem.
- Try taking a class! Whether it's a yoga class for beginners or an Italian cooking class, they can all be great ways to meet people who are also learning new things. You'll find that everyone makes mistakes trying to get to the point of mastery, and you may even develop close relationships with people in your new hobby.
Step 2. Get out of your comfort zone
Feeling inferior can be a comfortable thing. You know what you're good at, and you should never do anything that scares or makes you feel uncomfortable. The problem is, staying in your comfort zone will kill your creativity and cruising. Doing things you've never done before will help you overcome low self-esteem.
- Leaving your comfort zone means that you acknowledge that fear and anxiety do exist, and that it is normal to feel these feelings. You just don't let those feelings keep you from exploring the world. If you practice taking risks even when you're a little scared, you'll realize that the next time it will be a lot easier.
- Psychologists have discovered that you actually need less anxiety to be more creative. People will work harder when they are unsure of a situation, so they will perform better too.
- On the other hand, don't try too hard in too short a time. Excessive anxiety will cause your brain to work poorly. So push yourself a little bit, but be patient with it.
- This doesn't mean you have to go skydiving if you're afraid to stand on the second floor balcony. Whatever it is, whether it's trying out salsa dancing, hiking a mountain, or making your own sushi, promise yourself that you'll start doing things outside of your comfort zone.
Step 3. Set some “easy” goals
One way to mess up your social situation is to immediately expect perfection. Instead of doing this, boost your self-confidence by setting some goals that seem challenging but are still achievable. As your self-confidence increases, you can set more difficult goals.
- Try talking to only one person at an event. Feeling that you have to “master the whole room” and interacting with everyone can leave you feeling exhausted, especially if you're just learning to deal with low self-esteem. Instead of doing it, plan to talk to only one person. This is very possible! And once you've done that, you can add it to your list on your "success rack".
- Find other people who may also be shy. You're not the only person in the world who has trouble dealing with low self-esteem. The next time you're at a gathering, look for someone else who looks uncomfortable or just standing in the corner of the room. Approach him and introduce yourself. You may be the inspiration they need to overcome their low self-esteem, too.
Step 4. Accept the possibility of making mistakes
Not all interactions will go as smoothly as you might expect. Not everyone will respond well to your approach. Sometimes, you may also say something that doesn't sound good. It does not matter! Accepting the possibility of uncertainty and different outcomes from what you had planned will help you to remain open to the idea of getting to know other people.
- Viewing challenges or unattainable things as learning experiences can also help you avoid seeing them (or yourself) as a “failure.” When we think wrong about ourselves and perceive ourselves as a failure, we will not be motivated to keep trying, because what's in it? Instead of thinking that way, look for things you can learn from each situation, even things that feel uncomfortable or don't work out the way you expected.
- For example, you could try to introduce yourself to someone at a party, but the person is not interested in talking to you and leaves you. It's really uncomfortable, but you know what? It is not a failure; even a mistake, because you have proven that you have the strength and courage to overcome challenges. You may also be able to learn a few things from the experience, such as watching for signs that someone isn't interested in a conversation, and realizing that the way the other person is acting is not your fault.
- When you feel embarrassed about something, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Maybe you're asking questions about how his girlfriend is doing, when everyone else knows that her boyfriend just broke up with her a few weeks ago. Maybe you talk too much about your childhood obsession with ferrets. All of these things are natural -- we've all accidentally embarrassed ourselves. The important thing is that you get up again. Don't let one social mistake keep you from trying again in the future.
Part 3 of 4: Positioning Yourself
Step 1. Position yourself as approachable
Part of the trick to dealing with low self-esteem is to get people to want to talk to you. You might be surprised to hear that people think you're arrogant or rude just because you're shy (so you can't even think about creating a positive impression on others). This can be changed, today. The next time someone comes up to you or starts talking to you, stand up straight with your arms at your sides. Ask questions about how the person is doing with enthusiasm. You'll need practice to start looking friendly when you're used to feeling inferior, but you can do it.
- If you're shy, you're probably used to bending over and looking at your book or cell phone. Be aware that this may lead people to think that you are too busy to talk to them.
- You can still seem approachable and attractive even if you're shy or don't talk much. You can simply nod, make eye contact, smile at the right moments, and appear self-accepting. All of these are signs that you are becoming an “active listener.” Being an active listener helps people feel that you are interested and engaged in a conversation. If you just sit still and stare at the floor, people will forget you're there.
- Try repeating some key ideas from a conversation as the basis for your contribution. Not only will this show that you are listening, but the other person will feel their presence is acknowledged. For example, if you listen to someone talk about their trip to India, you might respond with something like, “That sounds interesting! I've never been to India, but I've been to Indiana once…”
- If you're still having a hard time talking about yourself, you can use this tactic once you feel more comfortable sharing.
Step 2. Ask other people open-ended questions
Once you've had conversations with people, the proper standard question mode to ask is simple questions, whether it's about themselves, their plans, or whatever they're talking about. Asking questions is also less social interaction stress because you're not talking about yourself, but are still showing interest so the conversation can continue. You don't have to ask a million questions or sound like a detective and make other people feel uncomfortable; just ask a friendly question when the gap is in a conversation.
- Of course, shy people have a harder time opening up and talking about themselves. This is a good time to try to get started!
- Open-ended questions mean the other person is given the opportunity to share their story, instead of simply answering “yes” or “no.”
- Some examples of open-ended questions include: “Where did you find that cool t-shirt?” or “What is your favorite book? Why?" or “Where is the best place for coffee around this area?”
Step 3. Start sharing a few things about yourself
As you become more comfortable with the people you talk to, or even with your friends, you can slowly start to open up. You don't have to share your deepest and darkest secrets, but you can start showing certain things, little by little. Take the pressure off yourself. Tell a funny story about one of your teachers. Show cute pictures of Muffin, your pet bunny. If someone talks about their trip to Vegas, welcome the story by sharing your goofy family trip there. The key here is to step like a baby, that is, gradually.
- You can even start sharing a little by saying, "Me too," or "I know exactly what you mean. Back then, I…" when people shared their experiences.
- Even sharing silly anecdotes or trivia can help you get ready to deal with low self-esteem. When people react positively to what you have to say, you're more likely to want to stay open.
- You don't have to be the first to share something. Wait for several people to speak first.
- While it's rude to talk about yourself all the time, you can also come across as rude if you're really introverted. If someone shares a lot of stories with you, and all you say is "Oh yeah…" then they may feel hurt that you're not comfortable sharing your own story. Even short words like “Me too!” will help others to feel more involved with you.
Step 4. Master small talk
Small talk is not trivial. Many strong friendships and relationships start with conversations about the weather or local sports teams. Some people say, "I don't like small talk" because they think it's nonsense and a waste of time, but the skill of conversing on simple, low-risk topics with new people is an important skill to get to know other people in the first place. deeper level. Small talk actually gives people the opportunity to socialize on less personal topics. When people meet each other for the first time, they determine what personal information they can share, which they consider "safe." Small talk provides many opportunities to share secure information while taking small steps to develop trust. To have small talk, you just have to know how to make someone feel comfortable, ask questions politely, and maintain a steady flow of conversation.
- Use the names of new people in conversations. This will make them feel that they are important to you.
- Use hints to start a conversation. If the other person is wearing a 49ers hat, you can ask if that team is his favorite team, or how he became a 49ers fan.
- You can make a simple statement followed by a question. For example, you might say, "Well, the rain kept me home last weekend. I have to help my mom with various chores. How about you? Did you do something more interesting?"
Step 5. Practice reading other people's personalities
This skill is a social skill that can help you create better conversations and overcome low self-esteem. Guessing whether someone is interested and ready to talk or is distracted or in a bad mood can help you decide what to talk about -- or whether you should talk to them.
- Understanding group dynamics is also a must; does a group have special jokes and have a harder time accepting outsiders, or are its members up for anything? This can help you determine how to position yourself in it.
- If someone smiles and walks slowly as if he doesn't know where to go, then yes, he'd rather talk to you than someone who breaks out in a cold sweat, checks his text messages constantly, or walks briskly in a minute.
Step 6. Focus on the moment
When you talk to other people, focus on what's going on: the nature of the conversation, the expressions on the person's face, what everyone is contributing to the conversation, and so on. Don't worry about what you said five minutes ago or what you'll say the next five minutes when you have a chance to make a comment. Remember the part about ignoring your consciousness? Well, that applies not only to your everyday thoughts, but especially to your mindset during a conversation.
- If you're too busy worrying about everything you've said or will say, then you're probably not paying much attention or contributing meaningfully to a conversation. If your mind is distracted or you are anxious, other people will notice.
- If you notice that your mind is completely distracted or worried about a conversation while you are in it, then inhale and exhale while counting to 10 or 20 (of course you should do this without losing concentration on the conversation!). This will keep you more rooted in the moment and less obsessing over other details.
Part 4 of 4: Getting used to not being inferior
Step 1. Start saying "yes" and stop making excuses
If you want to get used to socializing, then you don't just need to master good social skills. You may say no to certain things because you are afraid of social situations, don't want to feel uncomfortable if you don't know enough people at an event, or simply because you prefer being alone to being with other people. These excuses must stop today.
- The next time someone asks you to do something, be honest with yourself, whether you answered not just out of fear or laziness, and not for any good reason. If your reason is laziness, say "no" to that feeling of laziness and go outside!
- You don't have to say yes to an invitation to a "lovers" club that a girl throws in your dorm room, or to everything that other people ask of you. Just set a goal to say yes more often. Of course you can do this.
Step 2. Spread more invitations
An important part of overcoming low self-esteem is not just accepting what others want you to do, but also starting to plan your activities. If you want to be known as a more social and sociable person, then you have to take the initiative at times, even if the initiative is simple and just invites people to a pizza party and watch Scandal or get a cup of coffee from a friend who leave the classroom. By doing these things, you will be recognized as someone who can get along.
- Of course, the fear of rejection may arise again. People may say no, but it's probably because they're busy.
- Plus, if you invite people to do something, they're more likely to invite you back at a later time.
Step 3. Recognize that you cannot change completely. If you're a very shy introvert, then, well, you're unlikely to be a chatty person after a month. Introverts can never really be extroverts, especially overnight. However, they can modify their behavior and attitudes. Plus, you don't have to be a real extrovert or the most sociable person in a room to overcome low self-esteem and emphasize your best qualities.
This means you shouldn't be frustrated if you can't bring yourself to dance on the table and wow everyone. Chances are even this isn't what you want
Step 4. Make sure you recharge your body
If you are a pure introvert, then you will need time to recharge after spending it in a social interaction. Classic extroverts get their energy from other people, while introverts usually get exhausted after being around people. And if your body is running out of energy, then you need to recharge by spending a few hours alone.
While you may be ready to fill your social calendar more tightly, always make sure that you will make some "alone time," even if it feels uncomfortable
Step 5. Find people who match you
Admit it. In the end, you may never get over your low self-esteem when dealing with strangers. However, as you get used to it, you can find people who really understand you and make you feel comfortable. Maybe these people are just five of your closest friends who understand you very well, let you sing like a fool, and dance to the song "Macarena." However, this core group can help you familiarize yourself with the general public.
Finding these people will help you feel more comfortable with yourself, gain confidence, and overcome low self-esteem in the long run. What else is better than all of this?
Step 6. Grow from feeling uncomfortable
If you're having trouble dealing with low self-esteem, it may be because you tend to leave the room whenever you feel uncomfortable. If you're in a social situation with a lot of people you don't know, or you can't really contribute much to a situation, or you just don't feel right, then you're likely wanting to leave, looking for excuses to hurry home, or quietly disappearing from your home. the situation. Well, this time, you shouldn't do it when you're uncomfortable -- you just have to dive into your discomfort and you'll realize that things aren't really as bad as you think.
