Although many people are satisfied with the idea of having one soulmate, it is still possible to develop feelings of love for two people at once. This can be very confusing, especially if you already have a partner. If you fall in love with a different person, reevaluate those feelings. Think about how you love each person, and how you feel about monogamy. If you already have a partner, find ways to deal with the feelings that lead to this infidelity. Once you know what you need and want, find the right way to follow through. However, if you already have a partner, you need to set firm boundaries for the future.
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Method 1 of 4: Evaluating Feelings
Step 1. Find the difference in your love for the two people
If you love two people, they may satisfy different emotional needs. By knowing the different reasons you love them, you can find ways to follow through.
- What do you get from each one? Your current lover may bring stability, but your love for him feels like love between friends. Maybe you love the other person with a passion that isn't in your current relationship.
- If you feel two different kinds of love, there are ways to work around them. At the beginning of a relationship, you are usually more passionate. If you feel passionate about a new person, limit contact with that person, for example, to just chatting. This way, you can get to know new people and let the passion run its course, but remain physically loyal to your partner.
- However, be careful. You have to tell what happened to your partner. If you're hiding something, you may end up betraying him emotionally.
Step 2. Think about what you need and want
Our culture values monogamy, both emotionally and physically. However, you may want and need a few different things from a relationship. Only you can determine what you want and need from a love relationship. Know that before taking any steps.
- Do you want emotional closeness with one person at a time? Some people just want to focus on one person. However, many also feel that their capacity for love-romance or not-is limitless.
- Think about how this double love affects your own feelings. Do you feel overwhelmed, or just excited? Does the fact of loving two different people make you feel guilty or just comfortable?
- Identify what you need. Do you need a relationship with only one person, or are you open to loving two people at once?
Step 3. Consider your thoughts on emotional monogamy
For some, love must be monogamous. They need to be loyal to one person emotionally as well as physically. For some, emotional monogamy is unnecessary. They can remain physically loyal to one person, but have feelings for the other person outside of the relationship. Think about how you feel about this, and whether you feel comfortable loving two people.
- For some people, the ability to love one person at a time is very important in a happy relationship. Some people feel that humans cannot truly fall in love with two people because love requires a deep connection with only one person. Not everyone has this sentiment. If you love two people, you may be able to develop a deep and meaningful connection with both of them on the same level.
- Or, maybe you don't believe that love is limited. If this is the case, you may not be interested in monogamy. Consider exploring relationships with two people at the same time and keep your hopes open. You can explore options with casual dating. In the end, you may end up with just one person.
Method 2 of 4: Assessing Current Relationships
Step 1. Consider whether you are having an emotional affair
If you are in a relationship with someone you love, love for the other person will cause problems. If you and your partner don't have an open relationship, this problem can lead to an emotional affair. Your partner will be hurt and feel betrayed. So, watch for these signs of emotional infidelity:
- You may need to justify your behavior out of guilt. For example, you may be constantly reassuring yourself that you and this person are "just friends" or thinking of justifications for spending time with them.
- Maybe you also feel the need to cover the tracks. If you are hiding something from your partner, then what you are doing is wrong. For example, deleting messages or lying that you are going with a third person.
- Do you often think about or fantasize about this third person? Are you excited to meet him? If so, those are clear signs that you are emotionally unfaithful.
Step 2. Evaluate whether your feelings for your partner have faded
Loving two people may be a red light that something is wrong with your current relationship. If you are basically only able to love one person at a time, maybe your love for your partner has actually disappeared.
- How happy are you in your current relationship? If things go wrong, your attraction to someone else may be a warning sign. Do you complain about your partner to a third person? Do you share details of relationship issues that you wouldn't share with anyone else?
- Do you compare a third person to a partner? Maybe you feel he has qualities that your partner doesn't have. Is he very different from your partner? If so, maybe you're hooked on a very different person because your current relationship isn't going well.
Step 3. Discuss your feelings with the therapist
If these branching feelings are overwhelming you, a therapist can help. Loving a third person can be problematic if your partner expects emotional fidelity. The therapist can help find ways to deal with those feelings and move on with the relationship.
- If you've never seen a therapist, ask your doctor for a referral. You can also see a therapist covered by insurance. If you are still in school, there may be free counseling facilities at the school.
- If you believe your relationship is in serious trouble because of split feelings, consider counseling with your partner to discuss the issue.
Step 4. Talk to your partner, if you feel comfortable
There are cases where you encourage you to talk about your feelings with your partner. If you feel that these split feelings are threatening your relationship, you should sit down and talk to each other to find a solution.
- Choose an appropriate time to talk and remove distractions from the discussion. Make sure the phone and computer are off. Try to talk when there are no other commitments to pay attention to.
- Give empathy. Your partner will be hurt to hear that you love someone else, and don't try to minimize the pain. Let him feel what he feels. For example, don't say, "A lot of people went through what you went through and they got through it." The comment seemed dismissive.
- Make arrangements together. You may decide that the best course of action is to end the relationship or have an open relationship. Your partner may want you to reduce contact with third people to save the relationship. Whatever the final decision, make sure there are clear boundaries that both parties agree and fully understand.
Step 5. End the emotional affair
If you are emotionally unfaithful, you need time to get back to the way you used to be. Maybe you're having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that you're unfaithful even if it's not physically. Give yourself time to get over the affair and focus on your partner, not the third person.
- Try to think of this third person only at scheduled times. It may sound strange, but imagining and thinking about other people for just one moment of the day really helps. Trying not to think about him will backfire. If you have a special opportunity to think about him once a day, you may be able to forget about him in the long run.
- Allow yourself to grieve. Non-physical relationships can also be as close and deep as physical relationships. You need time to come to terms with the emotional affair ending. It's natural that you miss him. However, try to keep yourself busy and spend time with friends.
- Put effort into the relationship with your partner. If you choose to continue the relationship with your partner, you will need to devote time to repairing the damage done. Enjoy lots of time together. Try to get closer physically through sex, cuddling, and touching. Remember again why you fell in love with him, and why this relationship is worth fighting for.
Method 3 of 4: Picking One Person
Step 1. Make your choice
If you're not in a serious relationship with one person, you're probably dating two people at once. You may feel love for both, but want a monogamous relationship. Think about who to choose. There are several factors to consider in deciding who is best for you.
- Think about your goals. A suitable partner has the same goals and principles. Choose people whose goals are in line with yours. You should both share the same moral principles, and want the same things in the future.
- Think about how much influence each person has on you. Two people who are in a loving relationship have a strong influence on each other. His tastes and interests will probably be yours. The people who might be the right ones to choose are the ones who influence your personality more.
- You should also consider feelings for one particular person. We tend to feel infatuated with people who seem to share the same passion. You might rate him higher. Maybe you are also exaggerating a bit of the good qualities that are in him.
Step 2. Tell the person you didn't choose that you want to talk
If you've already made your choice, tell the other person. It's best to talk face-to-face, if you feel comfortable. So, get him ready by saying that you want to have a serious talk.
For example, send a text, "Hey, I've been thinking a lot lately. I wanted to talk to you ASAP. Do you have time for coffee tomorrow?"
Step 3. State it clearly
End the relationship clearly. Don't leave ambiguity when breaking up. Make sure you state everything emphatically. For example, “I decided to end our relationship.”
Avoid phrases like, "I think we should…" and "I feel…" Such statements sound unsure
Step 4. Give specific reasons, if you are comfortable
Many people want a clear cover when a relationship has to end. If you can give a reason, do it. However, it will be more complicated if you leave him for someone else. If you feel this information should not be disclosed, please provide another reason for your choosing someone else without explicitly mentioning that there is a third person.
- If it's okay for you to mention someone else, say, "You know, I'm close with Ryan too. While I'm enjoying my time with you, I think Ryan is a better fit for me long term. I want to be in an exclusive relationship with him."
- There are many reasons that might prompt you not to mention a third person. Instead of saying that you chose someone else, mention the factors that prompted you to make that choice. For example, "I feel that, in the long run, we don't have the same goals and principles. I think we'd be better off with people who are compatible."
Step 5. Get into a relationship with the person you choose
After deciding on the other side, move on. Dedicate yourself to building new relationships with the people you love. There may be some lingering feelings for the person you left behind, but limit contact with them when you focus on the new relationship. Often time and distance, those feelings will fade.
Method 4 of 4: Having an Open Relationship
Step 1. Learn about open relationships
People who love more than one person are usually open to a double relationship as long as all parties agree. Many people realize they have this tendency and want to connect with people who are willing to have an open or semi-open relationship.
- Such people do not feel that monogamy is necessary to have a happy and fulfilling relationship. This is not an option. A lot depends on your level of emotional comfort and how you feel about love and romance. If you are able to love two people at the same time, maybe you have a tendency for open relationships
- There are many ways to find this out. Reflect on the relationships you've had. Are you content with one person, or do you often seek love and sex outside of a relationship? If the answer is the second, then you have a tendency to go there. If you feel capable of loving and committing to two people at once, you may be a good fit for an open relationship.
- There is a stigma against an open relationship, but try to ignore it. Remember, there is no such thing as a patent measure of relationship. If you really want to be in an open relationship, you need to feel comfortable exploring feelings without guilt.
Step 2. Set clear boundaries
Boundaries are always important in relationships, especially if you love two people. Make sure all parties involved know the rules for each situation, and that everyone is comfortable with these arrangements.
- If you want an open or semi-open relationship, make sure everyone knows what's and isn't. Are you allowed to have physical contact with both of them? Can your partner be in a relationship outside of your relationship? Should one party take priority over the other? There are many questions to be asked.
- If your partner doesn't want a truly open relationship, he or she may want you to reduce contact with third parties. If this is the case, make sure you know what kind of contact is allowed and what kind of contact would violate your partner's trust.
Step 3. Apply the new rules slowly
If you want to have an open relationship, you will have to slowly adjust to this routine. The transition from a monogamous relationship to an open relationship is difficult. There is no reason to rush the transition.
- If your partner doesn't mind if you're in an outside relationship, consider whether you should start right away. There's no reason to rush. You may need to give yourself and your partner time to soak up the idea of an open relationship before actually doing it.
- Know that there will be tension. Open relationships can also be healthy and happy. However, that does not mean that in the beginning nothing went wrong. Communicate everything openly. Do not be reluctant to compromise and resolve differences that arise.
Step 4. Tell your partner when you start to act
Either way, you and your partner must keep communicating openly. Talk about your feelings with your partner often. If you're dealing with two people at once, tell them both if your feelings for them have changed over time.
