Making friends is hard. Finding a loyal friend who you can truly rely on and where you can be yourself is always a challenge. However, an equally formidable challenge is having great friends who you care about and love you, but don't love each other. By treating both of them with respect and showing them what they have in common, you will help them learn to get along.
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Part 1 of 3: Be Neutral in Friends' Debates
Step 1. Explain to each that you remain friends with both of them
Even if they don't like each other, it wouldn't be fair to either of them if you ended the friendship just because they couldn't get along. Continue spending time with the two friends as before. Their conflict should not affect their treatment of you and your treatment of them.
- Be honest with both friends. Tell them that because you love and respect them both, and don't want their conflict to have a negative impact on you, you will remain friends with both of them.
- Don't be picky. For example, don't cut ties with one friend for the sake of another or because you can't be neutral in their conflict. Don't spend more time with any of your friends. Good friends will spend the same amount of time with each friend, even if there is conflict between them.
Step 2. Emphasize that they must respect your decision
When two friends ask you whose side you are on, or force you to explain why you don't support them against the other, don't move. Remind them that you have the right to make your own decisions about your relationship and don't want to be forced to do otherwise. Don't give up because of threats or intimidation.
- If Budi says, "If you don't take my side and stop seeing Amir, we won't be friends anymore," convey your disappointment, but don't move. Budi, like you, can determine how he treats his friends and how much he values his friendship with you. If he chooses to let you go as his friend, it's best to let him, because his actions reflect that he doesn't care about you as much as a friend.
- If your friend doesn't want to respect your decision and continues to force you to unfriend the other friend or force you to agree with him, it's a good idea to limit your interactions with that person. Tell him why by saying, “I can't wait to hang out with you again when you can accept that I don't stand for anyone in this matter. I hope you understand my decision not to side with anyone is final.”
- Choosing a healthy, positive relationship means choosing friends who listen and understand your point of view. If a friend can't do that, he's failed to be a friend. Let them know how you feel by saying, “Sorry if you don't understand my point of view. I feel like my decision was not respected.”
- Respect must be given and received. Respect the two friends who are in conflict. Don't force them to spend time together or make up before they're ready. Don't accuse them of being childish or stupid for fighting.
Step 3. Listen to both friends
Let them have their say. Allowing them to share their feelings can trigger change. Knowing someone is listening, acknowledging, and understanding them can help them resolve their conflict or realize they were wrong.
- Remember that listening to a friend is not the same as validating or agreeing with their point of view. If Budi starts to speak ill of Amir or vice versa, make it clear that you are not taking sides, but that you enjoy hearing him think about the problems between him and Amir. If Budi asks you to agree with him, suggest, “If you feel that way, just tell Amir. I am your friend just like Amir, and I will not take sides in this conflict.”
- To start listening, stop talking. You can't listen if you keep interrupting them to share your views or say the person is wrong.
- Make the speaker comfortable with soothing gestures. Sitting, putting your hands on your lap, and smiling can create a positive atmosphere and invite him to start telling stories.
- Be patient while listening. Don't interrupt your friend while he or she is talking. Not everyone can express feelings and convey their point of view quickly and precisely.
- Pay attention to the speaker's words. Ask yourself whether you agree or not, and why.
- Follow up on what a friend says. Perhaps you can help him find a new perspective by asking questions to clarify his beliefs. Responding constructively to what your friend says will show him that you care about his point of view.
Step 4. Stay calm
Don't ever criticize a friend. Even if you're angry with a friend for their offensive comments, don't throw a tantrum at them. Creating additional conflict will not solve the problem between the two friends, and may in fact make the problem worse.
- If you start to get frustrated with your friends, walk away. Say something like, “I'm frustrated with the way you talk. Let's talk later, okay?"
- Try the deep breathing technique. Repeat a soothing mantra or phrase (“I am as blue as the sky” or “I am a cool breeze”). Imagine a peaceful landscape like a pine forest or snowy mountain peaks.
- Don't get defensive if your friend starts blaming or insulting you for your decision to stay with the other friend. Stay calm. Don't be angry just because he's angry. The problem is the nature and perception of the person, not you. Do not take his insults and bad qualities to heart.
- Use humor to lighten a tense situation. If you or a friend are really upset about the issue between your two friends, try to make a joke out of the situation. Don't make jokes that are sarcastic or bitter. Instead, enter a self-deprecating and agreeable tone to reevaluate the situation you and your two friends are in.
Step 5. Deny the role of intermediary
If one of your friends asks you to pass a message on to the other friend, tell him that he should deliver the message himself. Instead of acting as an intermediary, ask a friend to provide information about the message he wants to convey and offer to help him find a good way to convey it.
- Acting as the messenger of one of the conflicting parties will bias the other person's view of you.
- For example, Budi may think that you are not being sincere or sincere when you make an offer to make up or apologize to Amir if Amir doesn't accept his offer of kindness.
- Emphasize to both friends that making up can only happen when both are willing to talk to each other directly and honestly.
- Apologizing, forgiving, and building trust can only be achieved through direct communication between the two people involved. Once that is achieved, the problem will enter a new stage as both parties try to solve the problem.
Step 6. Unless one of your friends has really done something wrong, don't take sides
If the problem is just a personality clash, you can't fix the situation by taking sides. If one of them asks you, or makes you feel guilty that you want to take sides, refuse. Say, "Hey, it's up to you two. I'm neutral."
- Don't get to the heart of the matter. When the topic is brought up, try to change the direction of the conversation to something different. If your friend is forcing you to have an opinion, let him know, then remind him that you can't support or side with one of the parties involved in the problem.
- Generally, neutrality indicates that you are not interested in the outcome of the issue or the parties involved. However, as a friend of both parties, you have the right to feel interested in the matter and hope that they will resolve it amicably. There's no problem with that desire because that's what good friends usually expect of one another.
Step 7. Cultivate mindfulness to help stay neutral
Cultivating mindfulness can make you more aware of your inner thoughts and biases. Mindfulness is a quality of self that evokes peace of mind and positive qualities in those who possess it, especially if the person is making a difficult decision or facing a stressful situation. If you're mindful, you'll be more aware of how you feel about the issues between friends who hate each other. It can help you to remain objective and neutral. You can be mindful by doing yoga, tai chi, or meditation.
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Mindfulness requires three skills:
- Awareness. It means living in the present and being aware of everything around you. When you talk to both friends, enjoy their presence. Don't dwell on the issues between them because it didn't happen at the time. Think about how happy you are with them.
- Responsibility. Responsibility requires a kind and generous attitude towards oneself and others. In a conflict between two friends, it means that you have to do what is best for both parties involved. Empathize with both friends, speak and act without discrimination or judgment, and remain neutral.
- Business. This means that you act with awareness and responsibility. When two friends fight, it can be very difficult for you to try to stay neutral. You can continue to be neutral and build awareness by acknowledging that you are in a difficult situation, but you must remain neutral for the good of you and your two friends.
- Being neutral may seem impossible. Everyone has biases, consciously or unconsciously. Being more aware of your own biases will help you to overcome them.
Part 2 of 3: Take Sides if One Friend Is Right
Step 1. Ask yourself if the guilty friend can accept the truth
Some people are not willing to hear the truth no matter what. Take a closer look at your friend's personality to see if it's a good idea to share your feelings with him.
- Is he willing to accept criticism? Is he ready to admit he was wrong when confronted with solid evidence? Is he responsible for his actions while guilty? If so, telling a friend the truth is a good idea and is likely to make a positive difference.
- If, on the other hand, your friend is often defensive and takes the blame on others when confronted with evidence of her wrongdoing, your sincere efforts to help her show that she is wrong will be in vain.
- In the case of a defensive friend, try to bring up the topic in various ways. If he doesn't understand that his actions were wrong the first time you explain, he may need to hear it a different way. Maybe the first time you brought up the topic, you weren't straightforward, "You think what you said to Budi was good?" If he ignores you, next time make a stronger statement, “You were so rude to Budi. You must apologize.”
Step 2. Speak clearly when expressing your disapproval
Don't share your point of view by half-heartedly agreeing to a friend's insistence that the other friend is at fault. Don't start with a compliment before conveying the fact that your friend is at fault. Finally, don't use phrases like, "Respectfully…" or, "I didn't mean to offend, but…" Be direct and honest when reviewing a friend and explaining why he or she is at fault.
- For example, if Budi calls Amir "stupid" directly or indirectly, and Amir (right) refuses to hang out with Budi, you should say to Sam, "You are not good and you are wrong for calling Amir stupid. You have to apologize. That's the best way to resolve this conflict."
- Don't cover up your disappointment and frustration. When you fail to express your feelings to someone you don't like, those feelings are buried, which will only make you more frustrated. You may begin to feel resentful, apathetic, distant, and disgusted either in general or specifically with the friend you have feelings for. To avoid building up negative feelings, allow yourself to share feelings with a friend that you don't like.
- You may worry that your friend will be displeased when you admit that you don't support his or her actions or mistakes towards the other friend. The fear is unwarranted because openness and honesty between friends can strengthen friendships.
Step 3. Focus on the behavior, not the character
Remind your friend that even though she shouldn't talk, treat, or badmouth your other friends like that, you still know that she's a good person. Emphasize to your guilty friend that he or she has made a mistake and that he can, and should, make amends.
- Do not conclude or generalize the personality of a friend. For example, don't say, "You don't know how to deal with people." Instead, say, "You're being rude to Budi and that's not okay."
- Emphasize that he can change. Encourage your friend to continue to be aware that he or she can hurt other people's feelings and to avoid doing so in the future.
- If your friend is having trouble changing antagonistic or confrontational behavior, suggest that they consult a therapist. Cognitive behavioral therapy is very useful for changing negative behavior. This kind of therapy encourages a person to continuously consider his review and processing of a situation to help him adjust his emotions and behavior.
- Ask a friend what you can do to help. Suggest that later on, you will exhibit similar behavior in a nonjudgmental manner.
Step 4. Be nice
Offer criticism in a gentle way. Don't make fun of your friend and raise your voice when you explain why you think he or she is at fault. On the other hand, don't close your heart and keep it quiet. Sharing your point of view in a healthy way will prevent the situation from worsening, and your friend may be more understanding of the person she's fighting with when she hears your point of view.
- Remember that conflict between friends is not the end of the world. It's just one part of your friendship with each of them.
- Understand that you and your two friends may have valid opinions. Sometimes agreeing to disagree is the best option. Say to your friend(s), "I'll definitely handle it differently, but I understand why you are like that."
- When discussing sensitive issues with a friend such as conflicts between them and others, you should do so in a private manner. Don't bring up the topic when it's crowded where people who don't know the problem can hear your conversation and share your opinion without understanding all the facts.
- Friends should always be sensitive to each other's feelings. Don't use a shaming, blaming, or judgmental tone when talking to a friend about the conflict.
Part 3 of 3: Helping Friends Find Troubleshooting
Step 1. Find the source of the conflict
Why do the two friends dislike each other? There may be one or even many reasons. The two friends may not get along because one of them is being bad. Whatever the cause, identifying the cause is the first step to solving the problem.
- Ask each friend why the conflict started. Suppose you have two friends, Amir and Budi. Ask Budi why he doesn't like Amir. Maybe Budi didn't really have an excuse, but he just felt a little uncomfortable or uncomfortable around Amir. Then, approach Amir. Repeat the question. From Amir, you understand that at one time, Budi said something that hurt Amir's feelings, or made him feel insulted. Maybe they were arguing about something. Whatever the case, by arming yourself with a basic understanding of the problem, you can try to work with them to solve the problem.
- Sometimes the two friends do not tell when the conflict started. Maybe they both said or did wrong and were afraid, embarrassed, or reluctant to tell you. If so, with your friend's permission, you can enlist the help of a third party trained in conflict management to investigate why conflicts between friends started.
- Many conflicts are caused by simple misunderstandings. Maybe Budi forgot Amir's birthday. Maybe he thought Amir was talking behind his back. Helping friends find the root of the problem can encourage them to solve the problem.
Step 2. Explain that you are hurt by their conflict
When two friends fight, you are in a difficult and often stressful situation. In the end, you'll have to keep your word, determine how to balance the time, and be brave enough to hear negative comments about one friend from another friend's mouth. If both friends understand this, they will be more willing to stop the fight.
- Not expressing negative emotions such as frustration, emotional pain, or disappointment will only magnify his feelings. Sharing feelings about conflict with friends is important, not only because of its potential to speed up problem solving, but also because it nourishes your mental health.
- If one of your friends is narcissistic and doesn't care about your feelings, and is unable to consider your feelings and point of view, don't bother sharing your feelings with that friend. You can detect someone who is narcissistic by listening to their response when you share your point of view. For example, you might explain to Budi that you are stressed because of his fight with Amir. If he replies that he's stressed too and doesn't seem to acknowledge the mental pain you're feeling, he's a narcissist. Limit the precious time you spend with such people.
- Don't blame or attack when expressing your feelings. Use statements that focus on “I” instead of “you”. In other words, instead of saying, "You're insensitive and that's stressing me out," say, "I'm stressed because of this situation." The first statement is accusatory and will make the listener defend themselves. Meanwhile, the second statement is quite clear and personal in tone, and provokes listeners to talk.
- If you're having trouble expressing your feelings in person, write them down before sharing them with your friends. This will make it easier for you to explain your feelings without having to feel the pressure that usually comes with one-on-one meetings.
Step 3. Mediate the argument
When mediating a situation, you act as a referee trying to get the two friends to openly express their concerns and concerns with the aim of making amends. It may be a challenge, but it's all worth it when these two people who hate each other can finally get rid of their anger and hatred.
- Take both friends to a neutral location. Don't meet at the house of one of your friends. Friends who are in their usual territory can feel more powerful, and those in unfamiliar places can feel uncomfortable. A private room in a library or school can be a great option.
- Express your gratitude to both of them for agreeing to meet with the goal of solving the problem. Let them know that they are both important to you and that you want them to make up.
- Set ground rules. Interrupting, making fun of each other, shouting, and other emotional outbursts are not allowed. Force each party to act on the basis of mutual respect and an open mind. Without basic guidelines, the mediation process can easily turn into a screaming contest.
- Encourage each party to express their opinion. Make sure the other party listens to the person's point of view carefully. If one of the parties feels that they are not being listened to or their mediation efforts are unsuccessful, the two friends will not take the process seriously and it will be a waste of time for all three of you.
- Tell them how similar they are. Find what they have in common, especially the fact that they are both your friends.
- If it starts to get worse, stop. You can say, “Okay, okay, it looks like you guys can't solve the problem today. I plan to remain friends with the two of you, so, I hope you will be more civilized towards each other in the future.”
- If you feel biased enough to resolve the issue, identify and seek help from someone with diplomatic skills who can resolve the issue. A good conflict mediator will be neutral (reviewing the situation objectively), impartial (acting without any interest), and fair (approaching both parties with a balanced attitude). Asking for help from an unbiased third party who doesn't know both or one of your friends is a good idea if you don't want to mediate yourself.
Step 4. Be patient
Don't expect the problem to be solved overnight. If the first mediation doesn't work, don't give up. Use that experience to plan other mediations.
- Discuss the thoughts of the two friends after the first mediation session. If you detect a change in attitude towards being softer on one or both parties, apply for further mediation the following week.
- Continue to offer help and friendship to both and if one of them touches on the subject, convey that you continue to hope that a positive solution will be found.
- Do not try to force any party to accept a settlement if he or she is not happy with the settlement. It will only ruin the process of finding a solution or hurt one of your friends because they feel forced to agree to something they don't like.
Step 5. Reach a settlement
Think of several possible settlements with the parties involved. Everyone must provide input. Find a solution that benefits both parties. For example, if the problem is that Budi is upset that Amir didn't invite him to the party, ask Amir to invite Budi as a special guest at his next party.
- With so many possibilities in front of you, weigh the pros and cons of each. Print out a spreadsheet explaining the pros and cons of each possibility and share it with both friends.
- Keep both friends focused on trying to find a solution. Continue to encourage them to compromise and give both equal time to talk. Paraphrase and ask questions of each friend's statement at regular intervals to ensure that you understand them correctly. Give them the opportunity to modify their speech if confusion arises.
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Enduring solutions must raise substantial and emotional issues.
- Substantial issues are objective facts that cannot be disputed. For example, Amir crashed Budi's car into a wall. It was a substantial problem and perhaps the main cause that sparked the conflict between them.
- Budi feels betrayed and disappointed by Amir because he lent Amir a car believing Amir's words that nothing would happen to his car. Budi's feelings of disappointment and betrayal are emotional issues.
- One solution to the substantial problem, using the example above, is for Amir to pay compensation for repairing the damaged car. One solution to emotional problems is for Amir to admit his mistake and apologize to Budi, and Budi accepts his apology.
- If one does not accept a settlement, return to the process of asking questions, listening to reasons, and understanding their wishes. Listen to what they have to say and keep trying to find a solution.
