Offensive comments are always surprising, especially when they're made by people you care about and trust. If a friend says something offensive, you have every right to face it. Assess the situation carefully to determine the appropriate approach, then calmly and respectfully explain the problem to him. In the future, hopefully both of you can forget about the problems that happened and your friend can learn to choose his words more wisely.
Step
Method 1 of 4: Respond to His Words Immediately
Step 1. Repeat the speech
Sometimes, a person does not realize the impact or meaning of his words. He may just say something without paying much attention to the situation and instead make an offensive statement on purpose. If he hears his own words repeating themselves, he may realize that he was wrong and said something hurtful.
For example, someone asked a Chinese guest at a party, “Eh, who are you?” You can respond by saying, “Excuse me? "Who are you?" It means?"
Step 2. Question her speech
It's a good idea to make him rethink his choices or words. Sincerely, ask the meaning of his words. When he needs to answer the question, he can realize the negative impact of his words.
For example, your friend might say, "That person is unlike any other gay person I've ever met." You can respond by saying, “What do you mean? What is the behavior of gay people like?"
Step 3. Respond with silence
Sometimes silence is the best response. When someone says something offensive, simply respond by saying nothing for a few seconds, then walk away. Your actions made him realize the clues you gave.
Step 4. Pay attention to the offended person
If the comments you make don't relate to you personally, try to pay attention to people who may be offended before responding to your friend. After he makes that comment, look around you to see if anyone else flinched or frowned. After that, ask the people who are upset if you need to say something to the friend who made the offensive comment earlier.
For example, your friend from Padang looks surprised and annoyed when another friend makes comments about traders of Padang descent in your city. When you have a chance to talk to him alone, you can say, “Hey! I think Jimmy's comment offended you. I know him quite closely. I think I can talk to him if you want."
Method 2 of 4: Evaluating the Situation
Step 1. Think about whether you really need to respond
Weigh the pros and cons of handling the problem. If you're so offended that you can't forget the comment, you really need to talk about it. However, sometimes handling the problem can actually trigger another conflict.
- Consider how close you are to him. Close friends may be receptive when you take action on their offending remarks, but casual acquaintances may feel attacked. If that person is in your group of friends, but isn't a very close friend, it may be a good idea to forget about the problem at hand.
- Also, consider how often you hang out or interact with them. If he works with you or spends a lot of time with you for some reason, it's important that you let him know that his comments annoy you because there's a chance he'll make it up again.
- However, don't forget or leave the problem at hand if the comments are truly discriminatory. Even inadvertently offensive comments need to be addressed because you have a duty to fight prejudice and discrimination in the world.
Step 2. Realize that your friend may not understand what he's saying
Ignorance or “stupidity” is not an excuse for making offensive comments. However, by assessing his knowledge, you can better handle the situation at hand. He may have never seen things from a certain point of view before so he is saying the wrong thing. Think of the best way to “educate” him if you feel that his comments are coming from his ignorance.
For example, let's say you are bisexual and your friend calls you “half “turn”, half straight”. Many people do not realize that bisexual individuals see their sexuality as their own identity. Your friend may feel that their comments can help you express or explain your sexuality
Step 3. Realize that maybe your friend didn't mean to offend you
Often times, when a friend offends you, he or she doesn't do it intentionally with malicious intent. Sometimes, someone makes a comment out of a desire to help or to be funny, without realizing that what he or she is saying is hurting the other person. This shouldn't be an excuse, but if you have a good attitude, you can handle the situation more calmly. Try talking about the problem to let him know the right way to communicate with you.
Method 3 of 4: Handling Comments
Step 1. Prepare what you want to say from the start
Of course it's stressful and dizzying when you have to face someone, especially when a trusted friend hurts you. Write down the general opinions you want to say and practice them in the mirror a few times. That way, you will feel calmer and able to express your opinion when you have to deal with it later.
Step 2. Talk to him privately
Don't solve problems in front of many people. Make sure you can talk to him alone, without anyone else listening to the conversation. Take him to a cafe or meet him in a closed room or your office.
Try saying, for example, “I want to discuss something. Do you have time to talk to me alone?”
Step 3. Discuss the issue calmly
Speak frankly to him, without going overboard. Instead of rambling on, say that you want to discuss the comment he made, and what made the comment offend you.
For example, start the conversation by saying, “I was thinking about what you said about my sexuality yesterday. I know you probably didn't mean anything, but I was offended and I wanted to talk about it."
Step 4. Treat him as your supporter
Remember that you are friends with him for some reason. There's a good chance he's actually trying to support you in the situation. If he really cares about you, he won't hurt your feelings. Treat him as a friend or supporter who accidentally made a mistake, rather than seeing him as someone who "attacked you".
For example, you could say, "Usually, heterosexual people don't understand bisexuality very well. I know you didn't mean to offend me. Therefore, I want you to understand me better."
Step 5. Explain what made the comment bother you
Remember that your goal is to educate him. Therefore, it was important for him to understand why his comments were considered disrespectful. Thus, he will not make similar comments in the future.
For example, you might say, "I prefer to define my own sexuality and you don't have to explain it to me. Also, bisexual individuals don't see themselves as "half-turned, half-straight". We have our own identity."
Step 6. Criticize the comments, not the person
When chatting with him, make sure you don't accuse him of being hateful. Don't blame him or get too defensive either. Begin your statement with the word “I” to show that you are only stating your point of view. Even if your friend is prejudiced, he or she can react negatively when feeling personally attacked. Therefore, deal with his comments calmly and objectively rather than just attacking him.
For example, don't say, "I think you really hate bisexual individuals." Instead, say, "I think your comments reflect hatred of bisexual individuals."
Step 7. Hold on to your opinion
People don't always take criticism. Your friend may get defensive and try to make excuses. Calmly, stick to your statement if your friend doesn't want to hear criticism from you. It's important for you to feel heard, and your friend should understand that your feelings are hurt.
- You can try to hear the story. Actually, this can help you. If your friend isn't thinking about making a hurtful comment, he or she may try to explain when apologizing. However, don't let that explanation become an excuse to absolve him of guilt. You can say, "Okay, I understand you're joking, but I really feel offended."
- You can also ask questions at the end of the chat to make sure he understands your point of view and won't make similar comments. For example, you could say, "Did you know your comment was offensive?" or “Could you be more careful in the future before making comments like that?”
Method 4 of 4: Reconciling and Forgetting Problems After Confrontation
Step 1. Tell him what comments to avoid in the future
Make sure you explain the behavior that you find disturbing so he can avoid it in the future. Set some boundaries so that hurtful comments don't come out of his mouth anymore.
For example, you could say, "I prefer to explain my own sexuality. Let me show it in my own way. You don't have to explain anything to me."
Step 2. Remember that you are not responsible for changing someone
After the confrontation, try not to remember or hold onto the issue and wonder if your explanation was clear enough. It is important that you talk to him so that your voice can be heard. However, you can't force him to change. Just be aware that you're doing your best to explain that the comment offended you. Now, the decision to accept and understand your explanation rests with him.
Step 3. Make sure there are consequences he gets
If he doesn't listen to your explanation, he will have to suffer the consequences. Your friend must understand that you will not tolerate his behavior again. Show that you will reconsider your friendship with him if he continues to make similar comments.
For example, you might say, "I know you didn't mean anything, but I just can't take your comment. I hope you won't say things like that in the future because I don't like to hang out with people who are full of prejudice."
Step 4. Walk away if he doesn't want to change
If your friend continues to make similar comments in the future, it's time to reassess your friendship. You can't keep believing it. If he still offends you, even after you've established boundaries, you have every right to end the friendship with him.
