There is a fine line between self-promotion and arrogance. In many situations, such as when you're being interviewed for a job, asking for a raise or promotion, dating, or making new friends, you may want to brag about yourself without appearing arrogant in the eyes of others. People tend to feel attracted, interested, and positive about people who say positive things about themselves, but remembering positive things about yourself without feeling too cocky can be difficult.
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Method 1 of 2: Promote Yourself Wisely
Step 1. Know when to use self-promotion
The most common situations in which people may brag is when they are in a new relationship, especially during a job interview or first date. In both scenarios you are trying to show how valuable you are to the other person who has little basis for forming their opinion other than yours.
- If you're on your first date, you want the person to feel impressed with you and want to get to know you better, without thinking you're arrogant or conceited. One approach is to wait for your date to ask about you before providing information.
- For example, if your friend asks you what your hobbies are, you might say, "I love running. At first I just ran around the neighborhood and kept increasing the distance little by little. I just finished my first marathon last month. Do you like running too? I'd love to have a running partner." This sounds more personal and less overbearing than just sitting down to dinner and saying "I'm a great runner. I just ran a marathon and finished second in my age group. I'm going to be running 3 more marathons this year."
Step 2. Discuss your achievements from the team's point of view
Being proud of something tends to be competitive and self-effacing, but complimenting the other person on your accomplishments can suppress that potential arrogance.
- Research shows that listeners feel more positive about people who use inclusive language (such as "we" and "team").
- For example, if you work in an architecture firm and your team recently won a contract for a new building, be sure to use "we" instead of "me" when talking about the achievement. “After several months of hard work, we have just signed a contract to design and build a new public library. This is a very good opportunity for our team” sounds better than “I just got a big contract to build a new building. This will guarantee my career next."
Step 3. Be careful when you say “I” and “I
“While you should use first-person language in scenarios where you're self-promoting, you should focus on emphasizing achievement.
- Also, try to avoid superlative language like, “I was the best employee my previous office had,” or “I always worked harder than everyone else there.” Such an extreme statement may not be true, even for the most successful people, and may sound exaggerated.
- Superlative statements that claim to be “the best” or “most reliable” (though they may be true) tend to be seen as arrogance rather than actual accomplishments.
- For example, “I was the one who came up with the idea of creating a space where employees can talk freely about their concerns,” sounds like bragging rather than, “I created a space where employees can talk freely.”
- Instead, try statements like, “When I was at the old office, I tried my best to be dedicated and work hard.”
Step 4. Turn the boastful statement into a positive statement
By using team-oriented language and speaking about your accomplishments but blending them into a more humble way, you can sound positive and talk about yourself without sounding overbearing.
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An example of a statement that could be considered arrogant or a positive statement is as follows:
- Positive version: “My football team hosted an award dinner last night. It's a good season so everyone is happy. I even received the most valuable player award. Wow, I was so surprised. I played really hard this summer, but I did it for fun and exercise. So I'm very happy to receive that award and recognition. I'm happy to be able to help my team finish the season well."
- Swag version: “My football team hosted an award dinner last night. It's been the best season for me, so I'm really happy. They gave me the most valuable player award. But it's not surprising because I was a mainstay all summer. Actually, I'm the best player this league has ever had. I can choose to play in any team I want next year, so maybe I'll move to a better team."
Step 5. Observe your reaction when you hear other people promoting themselves
There's a clever trick if you're worried about boasting is to watch yourself react to other people's behavior: when you hear someone bragging, think about why you think they're bragging, and how their words can be rephrased so it doesn't sound like bragging anymore.
When you're worried about sounding arrogant, ask yourself, “Is this true? How do I know it's true?”
Method 2 of 2: Feeling Confident
Step 1. Build true self-confidence by realizing your positive qualities
You can start this process by making a detailed list of your accomplishments, how you achieved them, and why you are proud of them.
- For example, you might be proud to graduate from university because you were the first in your family to graduate, and you went to college while doing two jobs.
- This will help you see that you have actually accomplished something, and it will give you deeper insight into your accomplishments.
- Many of us are kinder to and quicker to praise others than ourselves. To help you be more objective and overcome the embarrassment you may feel when complimenting yourself, think about your skills and accomplishments from the other person's point of view, as if you were writing a letter of recommendation or support about a friend or coworker.
Step 2. Avoid your own voice
Arrogant and selfish people (and people with low self-esteem) tend to keep talking about themselves and their actions, even when the other person has stopped listening.
- Learn how to spot hints of body language such as shifting glances, glancing at your watch, or pretending to pull strings from clothes. These clues can tell you that you're boring and need to stop bragging. Stop talking about yourself and ask the other person to talk about him.
- Intend to listen and provide summary feedback that shows that you understand what the listener is saying. For example, “So I heard you say…” That way, you're giving them credit and reflecting your good character. Listening always impresses the other person, especially when you show that you understand.
- Concise. If you can convey an idea in 1 or 2 sentences, chances are that your words will stick in people's minds. If you babble about yourself for 15 minutes, people will stay away from you the next time they see you enter a room because they think you're arrogant and annoying.
Step 3. Set goals for improvement
When acknowledging your accomplishments, don't ignore the side you want to improve on. Ignoring the potential for improvement can make you appear bragging.
Recognizing areas where you can improve can make your positive statements more convincing and make you sound more experienced in an area
Step 4. Emphasize skills if you are female
While the achievements of men are usually associated with skill, the same achievements by women tend to be associated with luck. Arrogant women are often treated with more cynicism than arrogant men. This means if you are a woman trying to show her positive achievements, you should make sure to promote your skills in addition to your achievements.
You can do this by further describing what you did to achieve a certain achievement: for example, if you won an award or scholarship, spend more time describing the work you did to earn that award than the award itself
Step 5. Ask for help if you need it
If you have low self-esteem, depression or social anxiety, you should seek help from a mental health professional. This problem can make it difficult or impossible for you to talk positively about yourself to others.
- For example, individuals who suffer from extreme low self-esteem have a very difficult time finding positive things in themselves, and as a result may feel sadness, anxiety, or fear.
- A mental health professional can provide you with tools to build self-confidence and deal with social anxiety or depression problems as well as help find ways you can change your thoughts and behaviors to improve your life.
Step 6. Give sincere compliments to the other person
Frequently praise others for their actions that you truly admire. Never give false compliments.
- When someone compliments you, don't necessarily discuss how great you are. Be humble, accept the compliment and say “thank you.” If you need to say more, say something like, “I'm glad you noticed. This is what I've been trying to do."
- You don't always have to return a compliment if you don't have something sincere to say. "Thank you, it's very kind of you to notice" was enough.
Tips
- Before bragging about something, imagine you're the person you're talking to and think about whether you feel embarrassed.
- Don't start collecting material things just so you can brag about them. If you've got a new sports car and a fantastic Rolex watch, but you're empty inside, bragging to the sky isn't going to make you feel any better.
