Assertiveness is the ability to communicate as well as behavior. Assertive people convey their feelings and thoughts in an appropriate manner and to the point. They also value the thoughts, feelings and beliefs of others. The ability to be assertive without appearing rude is one of the most important things to master in life.
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Part 1 of 4: Communicate Firmly
Step 1. Identify your needs and feelings
Pay attention to when you feel you are being treated without respect. Think of situations when you felt pressured. Then think about how you would like to be treated in such a situation.
When you identify your needs and feelings, you can determine what expectations you would like to be treated in the future
Step 2. Set limits
Know exactly what you're willing to do or when you feel like you've crossed the line. If you already know your boundaries, you don't need to set boundaries in the midst of stressful situations.
For example, if your sibling frequently asks you for money, and you don't know how to deal with it, determine how much you're willing to give. If you don't want to give more money, work that out before you talk to him again and be prepared to set your boundaries
Step 3. Explain how you feel and what you need
If you are assertive, you will be able to explain your feelings and needs without coming across as rude or aggressive. These skills can help you stand up for yourself and still treat others with respect. Express your opinions, thoughts and feelings with respect. If you're not sure how to explain your feelings, try writing them down first or practicing what you want to say.
For example, maybe you want a raise, but haven't found the right way to talk about it. It is best to create an opportunity to make yourself heard so that your request for a raise is accepted
Step 4. Frankly
Communicating how you feel to someone can sometimes be difficult, especially if one of your most prominent qualities is being kind. You may feel that speaking your mind will make you appear rude. But the reality is not harsh at all. Dodging will make you appear passive or subdued. Show self-awareness and strength so you can say what you're thinking without having to argue.
Don't sweeten the sentence to make it sound more fun. For example, if you want your aunt to stop dropping by without notice, say something like, "Auntie Ida, please call before you come so I can get ready to greet you." Don't say, "Aunt Ida, would you like to call before you come? But if you can, I don't mind either."
Step 5. Don't apologize for sharing your opinion or wish
Assertiveness means acknowledging your feelings and needs, and you shouldn't feel like there's anything wrong with that. Don't apologize for asking for what you need.
Step 6. Practice assertive nonverbal communication
Communication is done both with words and body language. The way you present yourself will affect the acceptance of others. To have assertive nonverbal communication, apply the following exercises:
- Maintain eye contact.
- Stand or sit with good posture.
- Speak at the appropriate volume and tone of voice.
- Showing a relaxed and calm posture.
Step 7. Show respect for others
When you communicate assertively, you also acknowledge the contribution of the other person. You can still ask for what you want, but you need to know when the other person has made concessions or needs to share their feelings. Otherwise, you may come across as disinterested and rude.
Step 8. Control stress
When you are stressed, you usually feel like you have no control over the situation. This can affect how you respond to the situation. You will tend to respond aggressively or passively. Managing stress is an integral part of assertive communication.
Step 9. Choose an appropriate time to talk
If you're tired or hungry, wait for the obstacle to clear before starting a conversation with someone. If you don't, chances are your calm will evaporate quickly and you'll come across as rude if you're not feeling good.
Step 10. Practice and be patient
Learning to be assertive takes time and practice. Start practicing your assertiveness techniques in small situations, such as telling a friend that you don't want to watch a certain movie. Grow from each experience and you will quickly notice your assertiveness in other situations.
Part 2 of 4: Trying the Assertive Technique
Step 1. Try the broken record technique
In this technique, calmly state your feelings or desires over and over again whenever someone tries to argue with you or annoy you. For example, "Please don't make vulgar jokes", then "I don't think these vulgar jokes are funny". This is one way to stand up for your principles without discouraging others.
- For example, you're trying to return a damaged item to a store to get your money back. If the store clerk offers other alternatives (repair or say the item isn't damaged), keep repeating that you want your money back.
- This technique is assertive, not harsh, because it allows you to make your point clear by stating your intentions clearly in a non-offensive way. Body language and tone of voice are important here. Don't shout or treat the other person badly. Your statement is strong enough.
Step 2. Try the fogging technique
Use the phrase "maybe you're right" when someone tries to get you into an argument. In this way, you acknowledge that the other person's views may have reasons, but you remain confident in your position. Agreeing doesn't mean you give up and change your mind.
- For example, if someone says, "You have a bad haircut." You can respond with, "Maybe you're right." They might continue, “You didn't hear? You look like a loser." Respond by saying, "You may be right, but it will grow back later."
- This technique is firm but not harsh. Because you agree with the antagonist, you win the argument and prevent the situation from escalating. It is difficult for the other person to argue with you if you agree with him. Also, saying "maybe you're right" doesn't confirm that he's right, it just might. Everyone has the right to express an opinion.
Step 3. Use “I” statements
This is a common technique taught in almost all assertiveness exercises. The statement “I” is used when you start a sentence with “I/I”. This method works because it focuses on what you need without cornering the other person. You give him the opportunity to think, feel, and do what's best for him.
- Using "I" statements is a technique of assertiveness, not rudeness, because you are responsible for how you feel. You don't blame the other person. “I” statements are a great way to open up communication so that issues can be resolved.
- Examples of “me” statements: “I feel angry when you use sarcasm”, “I feel belittled when you put your own desires first”, or “I get hurt when you talk to me like that”.
Step 4. Say it politely but definitely
Stay polite when expressing yourself. After saying what you have to say, listen to the other person. You don't have to raise your voice to be heard. There is more power (and politeness) in a calm and controlled demeanor.
It also means that you should avoid smiling or laughing too much after making your point. You can be polite without belittling yourself. Smiles and laughs to lighten the mood are only appropriate if they match what you're talking about
Part 3 of 4: Knowing the Difference Between Strict and Rough
Step 1. Understand what rudeness looks like
In rudeness there is no respect for other people, their feelings, beliefs and views. An abusive person tends to be sarcastic, angry, cruel, and bullied.
- In a rude manner there is usually also shouting, offensive language, threats, intimidating gestures such as pointing or even pushing.
- Example: Ray and Jo lined up for concert tickets almost all night. They were happy to see the line finally moving. They had been saving for weeks to buy the ticket. Suddenly a group of older men burst into their line. Ray said, “Hey, we've been in line all night. You can't cut our line." One of the group grabbing the line shouted, "Listen kid, I'm not moving so shut up." while putting his face in front of Ray's and thrusting his index finger into Ray's chest to apply pressure.
- Like the roughness illustration above, the thug shows no respect for Ray and Jo's rights and opinions. He was rude, shouted, used offensive and intimidating language with his body language.
Step 2. Understand what it means to be assertive
Assertiveness is “expressing oneself effectively and defending one's views while at the same time respecting the rights and beliefs of others”. Assertiveness involves all of your communication skills: words, actions, body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. When one communicates decisively, all these elements work in harmony. In short, assertiveness is being confident without being aggressive.
Step 3. Notice that assertive people can always control their anger
Sometimes you will feel angry, and sometimes the anger has a reason. An assertive person will speak, respecting the other person when he or she speaks as firmly as needed, while an aggressive person will attack (with words or actions).
An assertive person criticizes thoughts/behaviors, not the individual. "That racist comment you made at Mika is very hurtful" is different from "You are a racist bastard"
Step 4. Show respect for others
Assertiveness stems from mutual respect. Without respect from both parties, you cannot communicate decisively. On the other hand, dialogue will be filled with aggression or passivity. When you have respect for other people's feelings, you can get what you want without hurting or insulting them.
Part 4 of 4: Knowing Your Communication Style
Step 1. Recognize aggressive responses
Communication styles we learn from childhood, so it can be difficult to know exactly what assertiveness is. If a child sees an aggressive interaction, he or she is likely to follow that style. Someone may respond aggressively to you if you manage to get what you want. Others will become defensive and feel intimidated. Here's an example of an aggressive response:
The first person said, “Our guest will be here in a moment. Can you get me some clean clothes before the century changes?” The second person responded by saying, “I have to prepare this dish. Why don't you lift that lazy ass of yours and get yourself some clean clothes?” The two people communicated aggressively. Each trying to get what they need regardless of the other
Step 2. Identify passive responses
When someone gets what they want out of a situation, you may feel resentful, angry, or taken advantage of. If you respond passively, you will not stand up for your own needs. Here's an example of a passive response:
The first person said, “Our guest will be here in a moment. Can you get me some clean clothes before the century changes?” The second person responded by saying, “Fine. I don't think this dish will be ready in time. Don't blame me if our guests complain first." The first person is still aggressive and the second person responds passively. One gets what he wants while the other doesn't stand up for his own needs
Step 3. Determine if the assertiveness of communication doesn't go both ways
Even if the other person is aggressive or passive, respond decisively. Affirm your rights and feelings by saying what you don't like. Tell me what you need.
The first person said, “Our guest will be here in a moment. Can you get me some clean clothes before the century changes?” A second person can respond emphatically, “Clean clothes are hanging in the closet. I have to prepare this dish.” While the first person's requests remain aggressive and sarcastic, the second person is able to respond decisively. The second person can assert his rights and feelings by saying that he doesn't like the first person's sarcasm and he will appreciate it if the first person sees that they are both busy preparing for the party
Step 4. Recognize assertive responses
In a firm response, both you and the other person feel valued and heard. Even though you have learned to respond aggressively or passively from a young age, you can still learn to communicate assertively and respectfully with others.
