Sometimes you find yourself doing something but don't know why. Why are you yelling at your child? Why did you choose to stay in your current job instead of looking for a new job? Why do you argue with your parents about things you don't really care about? The subconscious controls much of our behavior so the reasons behind decisions may be shrouded in mystery. However, if you know how to look, you can gain a better understanding of yourself: why you made certain decisions, what makes you happy, and how you can change for the better.
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Part 1 of 3: Knowing Yourself
Step 1. Get an objective assessment
The first thing you can do to gain a better understanding of yourself is to get an objective assessment. Of course, you can ask people you know, but their experiences with you will lead them to the same prejudices as you. An objective opinion will give you a more accurate picture and make you consider some things you might not have thought of before. There are a number of tests you can take to learn about different aspects of yourself (and these are more than just a less-reliable test):
- The Myers-Briggs Personality theory says that everyone has 1 of the 16 basic personality types. This personality can predict how you interact with other people, the types of interpersonal problems and strengths you have, as well as what kind of work and living environment is best for you. A basic version of the test can be found online, if you want to find out what you can study for a better self-understanding.
- If you're having trouble understanding what makes you happy and what you need to do in life, consider taking a career test. This type of test can help you decide what you might find most satisfying, usually based on your personality and what you usually do for fun. There are many different tests available online, but if you are still in school then you may be able to get a more reliable test from a career counselor.
- There is a theory that everyone learns and processes their experiences in the world in one of a number of different ways. This is called a “learning style”. Knowing your learning style will help you even out of school and can help understand why you struggle with some activities and excel in others. As with the others, there are a number of free tests you can take online. But be aware that this is debatable science, as there are many theories about learning styles, and you may get different results depending on what test you take.
- You can also find many other tests covering many subjects on Psychology Today.
Step 2. Do a character writing exercise
When writers write a book, they often do writing exercises that help them to better understand the characters they are writing about. You can do the same exercises to gain a better understanding of yourself and these exercises can be found online for free. This exercise may not produce official results, often relying on you to draw your own conclusions about the intent behind your answers, but it can get you thinking about some things you've never thought of before. Try answering the following questions to get an idea of what the test looks like:
- How would you describe yourself in one sentence?
- What is your goal in this life story?
- What is the most important thing that has ever happened to you? How can it change you?
- How can you be different from the people around you?
Step 3. Evaluate your strengths and weaknesses
You can better understand who you are and what is most important to you by thinking about your strengths and weaknesses. More importantly, you need to compare your perceptions of those strengths and weaknesses with what friends, family, and coworkers identify. What they can see but you can't see can tell a lot about you and how you see yourself.
- Examples of strengths include determination, loyalty, self-discipline, caring, assertiveness, patience, diplomacy, communication skills, and imagination or creativity.
- Examples of weaknesses include closed-mindedness, selfishness, difficulty understanding reality, judging others, and problems with self-control.
Step 4. Assess your priorities
What you think is most important in your daily life and interactions can tell a lot about you. Think about your priorities, compare them to the priorities of others you respect, and think about what those conclusions say about you. Of course, you need to be open to the idea that those priorities aren't in the best order (many people aren't either), but it can teach you a lot about yourself.
- If your house caught fire, what would you do? What will you save? It's amazing how fire can reveal our priorities. Even if you save something practical, like a tax record, it can still say something about you (perhaps you prefer to be prepared and not face resistance).
- Another way to figure out priorities is to imagine your loved one being publicly criticized for something you don't support (say, they're gay but you don't agree with that lifestyle). Do you support them? Protect them? How? What would you say? Our actions in the face of peer criticism and possible ostracism can reveal our priorities.
- Some examples of priorities that people often have are: money, family, sex, respect, security, stability, possessions, and comfort.
Step 5. See how you have changed
Look at your past and think about how events that happened to you in life have influenced the way you act and think today. Seeing how you change as a person can reveal a lot about the reasons for the way you act, because our current behavior is built on past experiences.
For example, maybe you tend to be very defensive around shoplifters and very hard on people you perceive as stealing. When you think about this, you may remember stealing candy from a store as a child and your parents punishing you harshly, which would explain your stronger-than-normal reaction to similar behavior today
Part 2 of 3: Analyzing Your Thoughts and Actions
Step 1. Pay attention to yourself when experiencing strong emotions
Sometimes, you will feel very angry, sad, happy, or excited. Understanding what triggers these stronger-than-normal reactions, and what the root causes are, can help you understand yourself better.
For example, maybe you are very angry with people who talk while watching a movie. Are you really angry about their conversation or because you feel it's a personal sign that the person doesn't respect you? Since this anger isn't helping the situation, it may be best to try to find a way so that you don't have to worry too much about other people's respect for you, to keep your blood pressure low
Step 2. Be aware of restraints and displacements
Restraint is when you don't want to think about something so you force yourself to forget that it did happen. Displacement is when you react emotionally to one thing, but your reaction is actually to something else. Both of these very common behaviors are unhealthy, finding out why you're doing them and finding ways to handle those emotions more healthily will make you a much happier person.
For example, you may think that you are not sad about your grandmother's death, but when the family decides to get rid of their favorite old chair, you become very angry and upset. You are not upset that the chair was thrown away. You know the chair is stained, smells, and may contain radioactive foam. You are upset that your grandmother has left
Step 3. Pay attention to how and when you talk about yourself
Do you turn every conversation into a talk about yourself? Do you make fun of yourself whenever you talk about yourself? How and when you talk about yourself can reveal how you think and how you see yourself. Sometimes it's healthy to talk about yourself and it's good to realize that you can't do everything, but you have to pay attention to the extremes and think about why you are doing them.
For example, your friend may have just finished a doctorate, but when everyone is talking about it, you turn the conversation into a discussion about the time you completed your own master's degree. Maybe it's a shame that you only have a master's degree and they have a doctorate, so you want to make yourself more important or accomplished by inserting a conversation about yourself
Step 4. See how and why you interact with other people
When you interact with other people, do you tend to bring them down? You may notice that you only choose to spend time with people who have more money than you. This kind of behavior can also teach you a lot about yourself and what is really important to you.
- For example, if you choose to only spend time with friends who have more money than you, this may indicate that you want to feel richer by allowing yourself to pretend that you are the same as your friends in that respect.
- Think about what you "heard" versus what was said. This is another thing you should look for when assessing interactions with friends and family. You may find that what you hear is something like, “I need your help” while what it is really saying is, “I want you to be with us”, revealing that you have a strong need to feel useful to others.
Step 5. Write your biography
Write your biography in 500 words in 20 minutes. This requires you to type really fast and not think too much about what you're going to write, helping to identify what your brain thinks is most important when defining who you are. For most people, 20 minutes will not be enough to type 500 words. Thinking about the annoyance you can't get out of versus what you have to say can also tell a lot about yourself.
Step 6. See how you can delay pleasure
Research shows that people who can delay gratification have an easier life, get better grades, and have healthier bodies. Think of a situation where you could delay pleasure. What are you doing? If you have trouble procrastinating on pleasure, this is something to work on, as it often plays a role in success.
Stanford University conducted a famous experiment on this called the Marshmallow Experiment, in which they watched how some children reacted when they were given marshmallows and then followed their progress in life, over several decades. Children who put off taking marshmallows for a bigger reward do better in school, work, and health-related areas
Step 7. Analyze whether you should notify or be notified
When you're doing something, like a job, think about whether you're looking for the next task without being asked, whether you need someone else to tell you what to do before you act, or whether you'd rather skip it all in order to tell someone else what to do. done. All of this can say a lot about you, depending on the situation.
Remember that there's nothing wrong with needing someone to give you instructions and guidance before taking on a task. This is something to be aware of so that you can better understand and control your behavior when important things come your way. For example, if you know you're not good at taking control of situations but you know you have to, you might think that this reluctance is just a “habit” that you can change and not absolute
Step 8. See how you react in new or difficult situations
When things get tough, like the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, or someone threatening you, the hidden and constrained parts of your character tend to emerge. Think about how you reacted in the past when the pressure was running high. Why do you react like that? What reaction did you actually expect? What are the chances that you would react that way now?
- You can also imagine this scenario, but be aware that your hypothetical response may be overshadowed by bias and inaccurate when compared to the actual reaction.
- For example, imagine that you move to a new city where no one knows you. Where do you go to make friends? What kind of person would you make friends with? Is there anything you would change about what you tell others about yourself versus what your friends know now? It can reveal your priorities and what you are looking for in social interactions.
Step 9. Think about how having power affects your behavior
If you are in a position of having any kind of power, you may want to think about the effect it has on your behavior. When in a position of power, many people become tougher, less open-minded, more controlling, and more suspicious. When you make decisions that affect others, think about why you made those choices; is it because it was the right thing to do or because you need to feel in control of the situation?
For example, when you were babysitting your little brother, did you tell him to reflect in a separate room over a small matter? Is this really helping him learn or are you just trying to find an excuse to punish him?
Step 10. Consider what affects you
Having people who influence the way you think and the way you see the world can say a lot about you, whether or not you strictly adhere to the lesson. By seeing how influence can shape your behavior, you can better understand the roots of your behavior. By seeing where you deviate from the behavior being taught, you can also identify your own uniqueness and personal thinking. Thoughts that affect you include:
- Input from the media, such as the television shows, movies, books, and even the pornography you watch.
- Parents, who taught you everything from tolerance versus racism to material wealth versus spiritual wealth.
- Friends, who will pressure you to do certain things or introduce you to new and amazing experiences.
Part 3 of 3: Opening Yourself to Contemplation
Step 1. Release your defenses
If you want to really reflect and understand yourself better, you need to think about the parts of yourself you don't like and admit some things you might not want to admit. You'll naturally be defensive about admitting this, but if you really want to understand, you have to let go of your defenses. While you're not lowering your defenses for others, at least you're opening them up for yourself.
Being less defensive about weaknesses can also mean opening up to receiving help from others and correcting past mistakes. If you are more open to discussion, criticism, and change, then other people can help you understand and improve
Step 2. Be honest with yourself
We lie to ourselves more than we think. We help ourselves by thinking that we are making questionable choices for logical or noble reasons, even when we are actually just vindictive or lazy. But hiding from the real reason behind the motives doesn't help us change and develop into better people. Remember: there's no point in lying to yourself. Even if you discover a truth about yourself that you don't really like, this will give you a chance to face it instead of just pretending that the problem doesn't exist.
Step 3. Listen to what others are saying to you and about you
Sometimes, especially when we do something bad, other people will try and warn us about the behavior. We also have a tendency not to listen. Sometimes this is good, because a lot of people will say things about you because they want to hurt you and their comments are not based on facts. But sometimes what they say is good, analyze the other person's way of behaving. Think about what other people have thought in the past and ask for a fresh opinion on your behavior.
- For example, your sibling may notice that you tend to exaggerate. But from your side this is unintentional, which can be helpful by pointing out that your perception of life is a little odd.
- There is a big difference between evaluating what they say about you and letting those opinions control your life and actions. You shouldn't adapt your behavior to fit in with another person unless the behavior has a significant negative impact on your life (and if so, you may want to consider that the environment is the problem, not your behavior). Make changes because you want to change, not because other people tell you you have to.
Step 4. Give suggestions
Giving advice is a great opportunity to think about your problem and re-evaluate it from the outside. When you look at other people's situations, you tend to think more about situations and circumstances that you never thought about before.
You don't really need to do this activity, although helping friends, family, and even strangers is a good thing. You can give advice to your older and younger selves, in the form of letters. This will help you think about past experiences and what you took from that past, as well as what is really important to you in the future
Step 5. Take time and enjoy life
The best way to know yourself is to simply enjoy life. Just like trying to get to know other people, understanding yourself takes time and you will learn more from life experiences than just asking yourself questions and taking tests. You can try:
- travel. Traveling will put you in many different situations and test your ability to cope with stress and adapt to change. You'll be better at understanding happiness, priorities, and dreams than just living a life that's always the same and boring.
- Get more education. Education, education in fact, challenges us to think in new ways. Getting an education will open your mind and make you think about things you've never considered. Your interest in and how you feel about new things being learned can tell a lot about you.
- Give up hope. Let go of other people's expectations for you. Let go of your expectations of yourself. Let go of your hopes on how life should work out. When you do this, you will be more open to discovering what new experiences made you happy and fulfilled. Life is like a roller coaster and you will face a lot of scary things because they are new or different but don't close yourself off. This experience may make you happier than ever.
Tips
- Before you try to understand yourself, be yourself. You can't understand someone you're not.
- If you are always angry or sad, then you don't know who you are. Try to find out.
- When you discover who you are and don't like it, change it.
Warning
- Don't hesitate and wallow in the past because it's in the past.
- Don't be too angry with yourself.
