Maintaining virginity/virginity in the midst of an obsessed society can be a challenge in itself. Setting strong and healthy boundaries is the key to maintaining independence from your own body, and, furthermore, setting conditions in which you feel comfortable or not with your partner.
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Part 1 of 3: Setting Boundaries
Step 1. Consider your reasons
Understanding that this decision is important to you is an important part of defending it. Take the time to understand the reasons behind your decision. Whether it's parental intervention, religious leaders, girlfriends, or a wihiHow article on maintaining virginity if that's the best decision for you. Try writing down what's on your mind in a journal so you can reread it at any time. Potential reasons for keeping virginity in between.
- Religious, spiritual, or personal beliefs include abstinence from sex.
- You feel unprepared or uninterested.
- You are not interested in sex (you feel no sexual attraction, and are not interested in or disgusted by sex).
- You want to do it with someone special.
- You have difficulty getting contraception, there are barriers, or sexual health reasons.
- You are not old enough, or feel you are too young.
- You're worried about your safety: either you're worried about getting pregnant, an STI, and so on, or your family is so against it that your health and emotional security will be compromised if they find out.
Step 2. Consider your time frame
How long will you stay away from sex? Most people don't decide to be a virgin for life, and it's best if you set clear and reasonable goals. Think about how long you will maintain your virginity, and you can always change your decision if it is deemed inappropriate.
Deciding to keep your virginity for years can be too much pressure for some people. Try contracting yourself for a period of time (for example, "I'm going to stay away from sex while I'm in school"), and then reviewing and perhaps renewing it after school
Step 3. Get rid of wrong views
Sex is not a crime, and being a virgin will not make you “holy” or morally superior. Sex doesn't change the shape of your body, or change the fact that you're a good person. Do not decide to stay away from sex because of fear, but because of health considerations and the right understanding to avoid sex.
Most people will have sex at some point in their lives. If one day you feel ready, you don't have to feel guilty
Step 4. Create your own terms
People define "virginity" and "sex" differently. Before you can set boundaries, you need to know how you define this term for yourself.
- How do you define “sex”? What kind of intimate contact makes you comfortable, and what do you consider too distant? How do you define “virginity”? Is the definition spiritual, mental, or related to physical conditions or a combination of these?
- You should set these parameters for yourself so you know what you can and cannot accept. In addition, you are also able to convey it clearly to others.
- If you know your own limits, feel confident in expressing them, and expect others to respect them, you can be stronger to defend yourself and do what you feel is right.
Step 5. Make your choices in positive terms
Instead of focusing on the negative side of sex, think about the positive things you will do.
- If you feel you are not ready to have a sexual partner at this time, what will you do to pass the time?
- If you decide to remain a virgin for a certain amount of time, work towards that goal. For example, if you want to wait until you feel more confident and assertive, try practicing assertiveness and building self-confidence.
Step 6. Set limits
You have the right to set conditions for your own physical, emotional and mental limits. No one has the right to violate or disparage these limits.
- Set your emotional boundaries. What kind of emotional involvement makes you comfortable and what doesn't? What behaviors make you feel emotionally uncomfortable? You have to explain to yourself that other people's feelings are no more important than your own.
- Consider your mental limits. To what extent are you comfortable letting other people's ideas and opinions influence your own? At what stage do you feel that someone is disrespecting your thoughts or ideas? To what extent do you feel comfortable explaining or defending your personal beliefs to others?
- Think about your physical limits. How, where and when do you feel comfortable to the touch? What kind of physical contact would you consider violating personal boundaries? Define your boundary conditions clearly, both for yourself and for others.
- Look online for checklists to help you figure out what makes you comfortable and what makes you uncomfortable.
Step 7. Make yourself feel good, and proud, of yourself and your body
We are often inundated with persistent messages about how we should look, feel, and act. Those messages can make it difficult for us to feel that we are right and have power in the decisions we make. However, if you feel confident about yourself and the decisions you make, you will feel empowered to expect others to respect you and your choices under the conditions you set yourself.
Don't sacrifice yourself or your body because of the pressure of others. If someone does not recognize the beauty and integrity of yourself or your body, there is no need to deal with that person again. Remember that your parents will be very supportive of your decision, they will even be very proud of you. Set a clear line between what is acceptable and what is not, and ask others to respect it
Step 8. Find healthy ways to channel pent-up energy
If you are not an asexual person, chances are you feel sexual desire. Pay attention to your needs and channel your energy in a way that makes you feel good.
- Exercise: walk, play sports, or run with family members.
- Some people who are still virgins feel comfortable masturbating.
- Take a shower, or use a hot or cold compress to treat vasocongestion.
- Focus on things other than sex. You can channel your energy into art, writing, friends, family, volunteer work, or schoolwork.
Part 2 of 3: Conveying Your Limits to Your Spouse
Step 1. Be honest with your boyfriend
For some people, a sexless relationship can discourage them from wanting to be in a relationship, and it's unfair to both parties to hold off on expressing your attitude towards sex. Tell your boyfriend before the relationship gets serious so that neither party gets hurt if the relationship can't continue.
- While it may be tempting to delay telling your crush that you plan to keep your virginity, don't. Sooner or later he'll find out, and if he finds out later, you'll both be in pain and chaos that could have been avoided.
- If he doesn't agree and isn't willing to have sex without sex, that's fine. He has the right to choose. However, don't feel pressured by the decision. You both have to respect each other's decisions. If you both disagree, it's best to go your separate ways without getting angry.
Step 2. Take the time to talk about your boundaries with your partner
Tell him what makes you comfortable and what he doesn't, and give him a chance to talk about the boundaries he has set. If you want, you can take this opportunity to explain to him why your decision to keep your virginity (now or forever) is so important to you. He may be confused and have questions, and you can calmly explain if you don't mind.
- If your partner tries to negotiate the boundaries you have set, say firmly that the boundaries are serious. Couples should respect it.
- If you don't feel comfortable discussing why you chose to keep your virginity, be honest. Sentences like “I don't feel comfortable talking about that” can work.
Step 3. Be clear about what you agree on in the relationship (regarding kissing and touching)
Consent is important, and you need to know how to give it, withdraw it, and evaluate whether you have it. It's important to be honest about what you like and don't like. In a good relationship, you and your partner must communicate clearly and listen to what the other has to say.
- Say "no" or say you want to take things slow once you start to feel uncomfortable. Simple phrases such as "I don't like it," "I don't feel ready for that," or "Not now" will be understandable to your partner.
- Say "yes" clearly. Your partner should always know what you think when you do things with them. Say yes verbally, smile, make eye contact, and participate actively.
- If you're not sure, say so frankly. A simple "I'm not sure" can be used, or you can be naughty and say "I don't know. Can you convince me?"
- Ask your partner a question: “Do you like it?” “What if I…?” "Want to make out?"
Step 4. Exercise your right to say no
If at any point you feel uncomfortable or unsure, say that you want to quit or that you don't want to rush. A good partner takes the word "no" seriously and will instantly respect your feelings.
- You can say no at any time: including when you said yes five minutes ago, when you didn't mind doing something last week, or when everyone else agreed to do it. You can say no anytime and anywhere.
- Use a broken recording technique to deal with stress: keep saying things like "No" or "I don't want to."
- If you are shy, practice saying no. Try writing the phrases mentioned in this article and practice saying them. Saying no is an important life skill.
Step 5. Stay strong if someone pressures you
A partner who respects you won't try to change your boundaries, but not everyone can be respectful. You have the right to set conditions for your own body. If he doesn't respect the condition, then he doesn't respect you. The word "no" should suffice. However, if not be prepared for a negative response. Some people are not mature enough to listen to things they don't like.
- Make sure your response is short, honest and respectful (at first), and be prepared to repeat it if necessary. You can use the broken recording technique, which means repeating the same thing when under pressure (for example, “No” or “I don't want to”).
- For example, if someone says, "If you don't want to do it, it means you don't love me." You can respond by saying, "I love you, but right now I'm not ready for you to touch me like that."
- If someone says, "But before that you didn't mind when I did." Respond with "I have the right to change my mind."
- If someone says, "You're a shy person (or cold, or depressed, or whatever)," respond with "I feel good about myself and my body and I want you to respect that."
- If someone doesn't respect your boundaries or makes you feel uncomfortable, that means there's a problem. Maybe it's time to rethink whether you want to be involved in such a relationship.
Step 6. Leave if the situation gets bad
If someone refuses to respect your boundaries, whether they're emotional, mental, or physical, walk away. Practice leaving it in a calm and confident way. The most important thing is to stay away from him, but, if possible, try to leave the situation calmly and confidently to convey the message that he can't manipulate you.
- If you're at a party or other social gathering, stay away from him and find someone to talk to. If no one else is around (or hardly anyone), stay away and go somewhere more crowded or where you can get help if needed (walk to the emergency call box, get a taxi, and so on).
- As you walk away, imagine you squeezing the words out and throwing them away.
- After throwing away the words, say and achieve something positive about yourself.
Step 7. Make him go away
When you're in a situation where you're dealing with someone who can't pick up the cue and won't stop, there are several responses you can use to push them away.
- If you're at a party, at a bar, or any other situation that puts you with someone who doesn't want to accept the fact that you're not interested, you have every right to look him in the eye and say, “I said no. Please leave me alone."
- If you're at a party, at a bar, or any other situation that puts you with someone who doesn't want to accept the fact that you're not interested, you have every right to look him in the eye and say, “I said no. Please leave me alone."
Part 3 of 3: Resisting Peer Pressure
Step 1. Learn what peer pressure is
Not surprisingly, teens face peer pressure, including pressure related to sex. In order to be able to fight peer pressure, you need to recognize and understand it. By recognizing that someone is using one of these tactics, you can better prepare yourself to reject them. Key peer pressures include:
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Obvious peer pressure:
This is the most overt form of pressure and usually involves direct and frank statements from the other friend such as, “I can't believe you haven't had sex. Everyone's done it!"
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Insolent peer pressure:
This is a slightly sharper type of pressure and is usually used to make you feel as if something is odd or wrong with you for not following the trend. Sentences that are spoken will sound like, Never mind, you're still a virgin. So, you won't understand” or call you “the virgin” or “the shy one”, and so on.
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Controlling peer pressure:
This pressure is an open attempt to force you to do something by threatening to isolate you or end the friendship if you don't do what he asks. He might say something like, "We can't be friends if you're a virgin" or "I'm not related to virgins."
Step 2. Be skeptical
People around you may talk big, but there's a good chance they're exaggerating, maybe even lying about what they've done.
Even if they look convincing, train yourself to be skeptical about what they claim they did. You don't have to ask them to prove it, but you do need to treat what they say as something "not necessarily true"
Step 3. Identify the virtue behind the phrase “that's not true”
It's hard to maintain a sense of pride and confidence in the face of negative external messages, whether they come from the media, pop culture, friends, family, or influential figures.
If someone tries to test your boundaries with negative comments or statements that you know aren't true, defend yourself. Repeat the phrase "That's not true!" to yourself or to the other person until the message is digested
Step 4. Emphasize the implications of having sex for yourself
Oftentimes, this peer pressure is largely related to the impression that having sex has a certain meaning, for example if you've had sex it means you're an adult or more independent from your parents.
Don't accept other people's judgments about what your sexual status means to yourself. This attitude is very important, especially if you are still in high school because peer pressure about sex is hard to ignore. Don't let other people try to say things like, "if you've never had sex, that means you're not attractive" or "because you're too timid," and so on. Choosing not to have sex is not the same as those things. That means you are actively making your own choices as to what you believe in and not letting others take those rights away from you
Step 5. Make sure you are surrounded by positive people
One powerful way to reduce negative peer pressure is to stay away from the people who are the source.
- If you have friends who annoy, make fun of, or pressure you over sex, calmly and confidently ask them to stop. If they ignore them, don't hang out with them too often.
- Find and hang out with friends who accept your choices and respect your right to make your own decisions.
Step 6. Go
Just like how you deal with a partner who doesn't respect your boundaries, you can and should leave friends who don't want to respect those boundaries.
- Walk calmly and confidently. The most important thing is that you stay away from the person, but, if possible, try to leave the uncomfortable situation calmly and confidently. That way, you show him that he can't manipulate you.
- As you walk away, imagine you squeezing the words out and throwing them away.
- After throwing away the words, say and achieve something positive about yourself.
Step 7. Respect everyone's right to choose, and don't embarrass others for making different choices
Don't curb sex or push others to be like you. Sexual activity is a very personal choice, and just as you respect other people who enjoy an active sex life, they should respect you for choosing to abstain from sex.
Tips
- If someone doesn't want to take no for an answer, it could be a sign that they don't really respect you or your independence. In the worst case scenario, it could be a sign that he's an abusive person, and you should consider asking someone you trust for help.
- Remember that only you have the right to set your limits. If someone is unable or unwilling to respect those boundaries, you also have the right to request, or, insist (if necessary) that they stay away from you.
- Rape and sex are two different things. Rape is an act based on violence and control, while sex is an act based on desire. You can be a rape victim and still a virgin.
