Hanging out with the controller isn't an easy or pleasant experience, whether it's a close friend who likes to take orders, a boss who takes care of everything down to the smallest detail, or an older sister who always wants everything to be done her way. However, sometimes you really can't run away from this person and have to learn to deal with their behavior so you don't lose your temper. When dealing with a controlling person, it's important that you stay calm, understand the cause of his behavior, and avoid the situation if possible. If you want to master how to deal with a controller, see Step 1 to get started.
Step
Part 1 of 4: Understanding Their Need for Control
Step 1. Understand what makes someone a controller
People with this tendency feel the need to control the outcome of things, and often feel the need to control others as well. They always feel out of control and want to control other people again. They are afraid of failure, especially afraid of failing themselves, and are unable to handle the consequences of that mistake/failure. There is a root of fear or anxiety about one's own limitations (and this is often not realized), a concern that one is not appreciated, and a distrust in the ability of others to do what one asks.
- The controller can't believe that someone else will do something better than he or she is capable of doing. In this day and age, where we are constantly inundated with instructions to do things without ever really being explained why we need to do those things (think back to all the rules, lessons, and warnings we apply in our daily lives), the controller likes to take a stand and appear as the authority in charge of everything, even though he or she doesn't necessarily have a precise understanding of what's going on (and unfortunately, usually doesn't).
- The core traits of controlling or commanding people include a lack of trust in others, a need for criticism, a sense of superiority (arrogance) and a penchant for power. Such a person may also feel that he or she deserves things that others don't deserve, and feel that he or she does not need to associate with or value other people.
Step 2. Observe if the controller needs professional help
Sometimes, a person is simply controlling, but there are times when the need to control goes beyond just a disturbing personality trait. A controlling or commanding person may have a personality disorder (possibly Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Antisocial Personality Disorder) that stems from experiences in childhood or young adulthood, which he or she is unable to resolve completely and clearly. If this self-righteous person does have a personality disorder, the best way to deal with this disorder is to seek the help he needs.
- If you suspect that this is the case, the type of disorder present should be identified by a professional. However, know that it is difficult for a controlling person to accept that he or she needs this kind of testing. Most importantly, this person must be aware of his controlling tendencies and must have the will to overcome them. Most controlling and controlling people prefer to blame others for their own problems.
- Also, you may not always be in a good position to suggest that this person seek professional help. If this person is, for example, your boss or an older family member, you are not in the best position to give this kind of advice.
Step 3. Understand how the controller influences others
These commanding controllers talk like uncompromising parents. They use words like “Do it now!”, “I'm the boss, do as I say”, or “Keep going like that!”, without asking nicely or using the slightest courtesy. If you feel like a child when you meet this person, it may be that this person is trying to control you and/or the situation. This person will probably ignore your abilities, experience, and rights, because he prefers to brag about himself. The controller tends to think that he or she deserves to be the boss of the other person and takes responsibility for controlling the situation. This helps him feel better about himself.
In situations where this person does have authority over you (for example, if he or she is your teacher, legal officer, or boss), the tendency to control can be seen in the way he uses that authority. If he doesn't respect you, speaks in an arrogant tone, is pushy and takes orders, these are all signs that this person is controlling, not asking, negotiating, and respecting you. People in positions of authority will be good leaders or managers only if they value the people they lead. This includes leading by example or advice, trusting you, and delegating responsibilities to you
Step 4. Recognize that even “good” people can be controlling or taking orders
An example of this fact is the "sticky" personality type, who insists that "if you don't do X, the sky will fall". Maybe this "threat" is spoken in a sweet tone, while he thinks that you deserve to be thanked for his constant nagging warnings. These people may be good at voicing their reasons, while letting them know that you are being completely unreasonable. If you find yourself forced to make decisions without being able to voice your own opinion, “for your own good” and “deserved to be grateful for it,” you may be under pressure from a soft-faced dictator.
Many controlling people lack empathy and often don't realize (or don't care) about the impact their powerful words and actions have on others. This may be the result of insecurity (which comes in the form of a sense of superiority and power) and unhappiness. This too is a clear sign of pride
Step 5. Realize that your worth is not defined by this person
You should always view yourself as equal to the controller, even if his behavior doesn't show that. This is very important for your well-being. The controlling person, especially if he or she is a member of your family, can really lower your sense of self-worth. No matter how bad you feel about yourself because of his behavior (which happens over and over again), remind yourself that the control problem is his problem, not yours. If you let his behavior control you, he wins.
Remember that you are rational and have reasonable standards of what a person can and cannot do. Don't let other people's unreasonable desires lead you in any way to feel worthless or inadequate
Part 2 of 4: Giving a Constructive Response to the Controller
Step 1. Express your thoughts
This might not be easy if you're not used to it, but it's still trainable and this controller is a good target for you to practice with. It's important that this controlling person knows that you won't tolerate his controlling behavior. The longer you let him do that, the more firmly the behavior becomes a repeating pattern and the more strongly he will assume that you accept his treatment.
- Go to the controller in person to explain your thoughts. Don't do this in public.
- Keep the conversation focused on how his controlling behavior is affecting you, and don't insult him by calling him a powerhouse. For example, if you feel that your boss is always pushing you around regardless of your abilities, just say, “I have worked in this capacity for five years and I can do this job well. However, when you ask for the results and then rework everything, I feel that my abilities are being ignored and my work is not appreciated. Basically, I felt distrusted to work with my educational and training background, and I felt unappreciated. I beg to be treated kindly and appreciated through words and actions.”
Step 2. Stay calm
It's important to remain calm and patient in dealing with the controlling person, even if your inner person wants to scream. Getting angry is useless. You also need to give him the opportunity to rest freely, if he seems tired, stressed, or unwell. If you are angry, the controller will behave more tensely. That's why it's so important that you take deep breaths, avoid harsh speech, and maintain a steady, calm tone of voice.
- If you appear angry or irritated, the controller will assume that he has found your fault, and this will fuel the behavior to continue.
- Getting angry will only make the controller see you as weak and easy to control. You don't want to sound like that, of course, as this will make you more of a target for his behavior.
Step 3. Avoid this person as much as possible
Sometimes the best thing you can do is avoid this behavior. While talking to the controller about his behavior and how it makes you feel bad can help him understand his behavior and make changes so that the two of you can work together better and interact more easily, sometimes you can feel that the only thing that can you do is get out of that situation. Of course, this depends on the people you want to avoid, but there are a few things you need to keep in mind:
- If this person is a member of your family, try to stay away from them. Sometimes it seems that things are not going to satisfy the controller. This person will criticize you in every way and you will find it very difficult not to be personally influenced. This criticism can make you very angry and hurt. The “worst” thing you can do is fight with someone like this, because it's a complete waste of time. These people will not, and cannot, change without help. Remind yourself that their controlling behavior is their way of surviving, not your self-worth. This is a deep problem with them, not with you.
- If a personal relationship starts to turn violent because of this person's controlling behavior, you should step out and leave it. Tell this person that you need time to get out of touch with them and to move on with your life. People who use violence or manipulation tactics will not change unless they are on long-term therapy.
- If you are a teenager, try to be polite and stay very busy at all times. You can be outdoors as much as possible doing sports, studying, and getting excellent grades. Tell family members that you'd like to spend time together and chat, but you're busy studying, playing, volunteering, etc. Give good reasons. Then go out and find good people who make you feel better about yourself. Set big but still achievable goals, then achieve them for yourself.
Step 4. Monitor the controller's level of anxiety
A controller does not have the ability to endure stressful conditions and this is why he takes the pressure off others. The controller believes that no one else can do something as good as he does. He will be depressed because he feels overwhelmed by too many responsibilities that he is taking on, then take this feeling out on others. Try to be aware of these mood swings and make sure that you are always prepared for them. If you know that the controller's anxiety level is increasing, know that he or she will begin to control this and that.
Actively noticing that this person is spinning uncontrollably and offering to help take over some of his responsibilities may be good enough to stop his pretentious behavior. For example, you may notice that when your boyfriend is under stress, he becomes very grumpy and controlling. On a day when he seems really stressed about a work presentation that needs to be done soon, try to encourage him by showing that he looks stressed and tired, while reassuring himself that he will do a great job. Don't go overboard with all of this, and be careful that she may still get angry, but know that encouragement can help relieve some of the stress of anxiety
Step 5. Look for the plus side
This may seem impossible, but it can be very beneficial for you to be able to take control, especially if you have to deal with this person on a daily basis. You may be thinking, “My boss is very controlling and demanding, but on the plus side, he's very friendly to clients and he's managed to get a lot of business deals. He's also very competent at X, as long as we keep him away from Y. Look for ways to manage the negativity, as well as ways you can do what really needs to be done.
Looking on the positive side may take some creativity, but you'll find that a controlling person who understands that you understand his standards of ability and always has positive things to say about him will stop seeing you as a threat in his anxiety-driven thinking
Step 6. Praise the controller when he deserves it
Watch for when the controller shows trust in the other person. If this powerhouse shows trust, respect, or delegates responsibility to you, express it and praise it. By noticing the positives and praising them openly, your controlling opponent can feel fine in his or her mind and this fosters a desire to do those positives again.
For example, say something like, "Thank you for trusting me to do this task." This will make the controller feel comfortable and will help him to pass his power over to you a bit
Step 7. Understand that your voice may not be heard
If you're an idea-driven, creative, or problem-solving person, working with a controller can erode your identity. You seem to suggest ideas, solutions, or warnings of possible consequences, only to be clearly ignored or even dropped. But take a good look, your idea or solution is then presented as an idea or solution of its own, after a few weeks or a few months. As it turns out, what you're saying goes into his mind, and you're just not being appreciated. Unfortunately, this frustrating behavior is very common in controllers. If this is happening to you, here are some ways to deal with it:
- Look at this situation as it is. Sometimes, it's better to throw out an idea or solution than it doesn't happen at all. In a case like this, just smile and accept it for the good of your work team, organization or company. Support the result and don't take it as a personal attack on you.
- Express your objection to this person. This is quite risky and should be done depending on the context of the event, the dynamics of the group and the people involved. If clarifying that it was you who thought of this idea/solution first is really important to you, try to reveal the facts, for example, “Oh, that was an idea we discussed in May 2012 and I still have pictures of the prototype in my archive. It is my understanding that our team will be involved in the development of the idea and I am pretty sure that we have noted this. I was a bit disappointed that the first time we heard about it, it turned out that this idea was already at the testing stage. However, after revealing all of this, since the process has come this far, we are ready to help carry out the testing."
- Take good notes. If you absolutely must prove that you came up with the idea first, make careful notes that you can use as a defense if needed.
- Stop pitching ideas at work if your input is always being ignored or stolen. Just be agreeable for the sake of an amicable situation, and try to keep the controller from worrying about your part. Maybe you need to constantly reassure him that he is the “boss” and that you value your work. If possible, start looking for a new job.
Part 3 of 4: Observing Your Own Tendencies
Step 1. Pay attention to your own role in triggering the popping overpowering attitude
At times, you may be pressured by the overbearing behavior that insists on controlling you in everything you do. However, this is not an excuse for you to behave manipulatively towards the controller. Instead, it's a situation where you have to keep perspective and find that there are times when you're also putting other people down! Be honest when checking yourself if you really want to get rid of the pretentious behavior. Here are some things you need to pay attention to:
- Have you ever done (or failed to do) something that triggered controller behavior? For example, if you constantly fail to meet deadlines or never clean your bedroom, don't be surprised if those in authority over you, whether your parents raised you or your employer who paid you, are controlling you.
- Controlling people often display power in front of others that they see as useless. They are particularly triggered by passive-aggressiveness, just as a bull is triggered by a red cloth. This attitude must make them more insistent on control because they are frustrated by the inadequate response they get. It's better to be open about your dissatisfaction and start expressing your thoughts, rather than quietly trying to find fault with the powerhouse.
Step 2. Pay attention to your own tendency to be controlling
No one is completely innocent when it comes to control. Everyone has a tendency to control other people in various situations in life. This may be when you understand something in great detail, or when you are in a position of authority, or when you feel stressed or anxious that you feel compelled to be a little pushy. Use your memory of these experiences to help you understand the controlling person better and perhaps understand the causes of the behavior.
Try to be more sensitive to others if you feel tempted to be controlling. Watch their reactions. By doing this, you learn a lot about managing the emotions that the controller feels most of the time
Step 3. Learn how to honestly state your strengths and failures
You can do this by discussing the matter privately with a neutral, unrelated third party. Make sure that you choose a person who can be trusted to hold the secret, who understands how to handle similar situations, and knows you enough to be able to provide accurate feedback. No one is completely good or completely evil. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. When you get to know who you really are (both good and bad), you won't be fooled by the emotions and tactics of the controller.
Understanding yourself better when you're stuck in controlling behavior, whether at work or in a personal relationship, can help you better understand the true side of the controller's expectations. On the other hand, if you have someone helping you, you'll see that you don't have to worry too much about everything, and that the controller is actually being unreasonable too
Part 4 of 4: Deciding to Break Free
Step 1. Realize that your life is important
There will always be other jobs and other people ready to have a healthy relationship with you. If your situation is intolerable, don't torture yourself, find a way out. No one is worthy of controlling your life. This is your own life. Don't forget that. While you may think that you won't be able to land a new job, if you are in a bad working environment, it's best to leave it for your own mental health.
For teenagers who are not old enough to leave their parents' home, find volunteer work, sports activities, work, or other things that can make you escape for a while from the home environment. Ask your parents to pay tuition fees if they can afford it, then enroll at a campus located outside the city. If they argue about this, explain that it is the only campus that has program X courses (according to your interests, but still realistic and reasonable)
Step 2. Decide to forgive
Controllers are insecure with fear and insecurity, so they are always dissatisfied and unhappy. They demand perfection from themselves, and this is a very difficult, if not impossible, thing to achieve. Their inability to understand that failure is part of the cycle of life jeopardizes their growth into fully competent adults, as well as keeps their emotions running high. All of these are sad situations that have them trapped. Whatever your own situation, you can rise up and seek happiness for yourself, whereas unless they decide to change their mindset, they will never be able to find peace in life.
Seeking happiness doesn't always mean leaving the situation. You can also take up a hobby to pass the time, or even practice a certain religion, so you don't have to deal with the controller too much. Remember that the controller's opinion of you doesn't have to define or undermine your self-worth. Focus on yourself and remember that you are not responsible for behavior changes at the controller
Step 3. Start rebuilding your confidence
Chances are high that your self-confidence has taken a hit. Be nice to yourself. If you're being pressured by a controller, he may think you're worthless, and he's pressuring you to stop yourself from moving forward and leaving him. Never believe this assumption. The controller loves to make other people feel insecure about themselves. Don't fall for the trick. Start taking distance slowly. Believe in your personal growth. You have the potential to grow for the better.
- You can restore your confidence very effectively by spending time with people who make you feel good about yourself, and people who don't feel the need to control you.
- Do things that make you feel valuable and competent. Maybe the controller has made you feel unable to do anything right. Take time to do tasks you can confidently do, whether it's yoga or writing an annual report.
Step 4. Decide what you will do next
In this situation, make a plan to stay and continue the work/love relationship, or leave. However, set a time limit, so that you feel in control of a certain part of the issue. If you live with a controller, try to handle things carefully and strategically. Don't spark debate. Say how you feel calmly but effectively. You don't need to be under someone else's control. Remember that you have the right to do whatever you like.
In the end, sometimes leaving is the only thing you can do, especially if expressing your thoughts/feelings and holding on doesn't result in any improvement in your situation
Tips
- A controller may use emotions to control you, for example, he or she may panic about things because this will allow them to gain control when you sympathize with them.
- When dating, make sure that you spot the signs. Jealousy and guilt can be a way to control someone. The controllers are very good at manipulating too. Open your eyes and ears wide!
- The controller is more concerned with his own feelings that everything is going right as he wants it to be, more than he is concerned with his relationship with you. If this controller is your boss, just agree to the small things, even if you don't really agree. However, don't compromise yourself by breaking the law or hurting others. Keep standing firm and be a person who has moral standards and values of life.
- Be careful if the controller wants to do everything for you in a relationship, like driving you, shopping for you, etc. Test this by telling him that you have other plans for the weekend. If he's constantly calling you and wanting to be involved in your life, he's probably really controlling. Beware, you are moving towards disaster.
- A controlling person may say that he cares about you and that he does everything because he loves you. This can make you lose your guard over things and maybe even wonder if you're the one who misunderstood the situation. In this way, you are trapped in its control.
- If you are a teenager and your parents are controlling, it is very important that you explain to them how this affects you. Maybe they want to "protect" you from wrong decisions, but they need to realize that you have the right to make your own decisions, because this is your own life and it's only natural that you want to control your own life.
- Realize that the controller may have struggled through things. Try to be sympathetic to him, as this will help you to be calmer when dealing with him and less easily frustrated. This may not be acceptable behavior, but for the controller, it is a way to feel better about himself or a way to manage stress. By understanding this, you don't have to allow everything he does to please him, but know what drives his behavior and try to deal with it in a way that's still protective of yourself.
- Try not to relate to or work with a controller, if possible. A really obvious sign is if someone feels the need to force things to be done their own way, always finds fault with others, and can't relax and let other people take responsibility for things/projects. He may feel the need to control your actions in a personal relationship. He may be very jealous and possessive for no apparent reason.
- A controller can make you feel that you are the one being overly concerned and that you are the problem (a distortion of the facts). This can hurt your mental health. You're not the problem, but this tactic can make you less alert, as the controller wants you to be.
Warning
- Certain types of controllers are difficult to handle and even dangerous when rejected in a personal relationship. If you know that this person tends to be out of control and has fragile feelings, be careful when breaking up. If possible, give him reasons for breaking up with you, such as lazy communication, spending too much money, or other things that show you are difficult to control. Thus, the breakup becomes his own initiative and he can more easily accept. If this is too difficult, disconnect in a way that makes you feel safe, such as over the phone or with a friend. It helps to show that you have friends and family who support you, so that this person doesn't threaten you in any way.
- Record any threats this person makes against you, if he won't let you break this relationship. Then, report it to the police and ask the police to issue a ban on him approaching you. Make sure that this person is aware of this prohibition and save the police contact number on your cell phone's speed dial data. Have the neighbors watch over you. If you're feeling scared, move out of town or a shelter if you're in danger but don't have friends to keep you company. If you have friends or family and can live in their house, make sure that they can protect you and protect themselves. Choose a person who makes you feel safe and is willing to confront the controller, ideally someone the controller doesn't want to face head-on (that is, someone the controller doesn't think he can control).
- Don't assume that the controller must be someone you can't stand to deal with, especially in a work and social context. Granted, there are people who exhibit violent behavior out there, and yes, they may be impossible for us to change without us leaving for good, but on the whole, make an effort to get on well with all kinds of people in your life. Reducing contact can be a healthier response than creating more excitement. Keep their behavior in the right perspective while managing your own weaknesses and setting boundaries with others, for example by learning to express thoughts/feelings or communicate more clearly.
