Sometimes most teenagers lie about something to their parents. Usually this lie stems from a growing desire to be free and/or an attempt not to be scolded or punished. Studies show that parents generally have a hard time knowing whether their teens are lying or not. Knowing if your teen is lying is the first step to correcting this behavior and restoring trust between you and your child.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Discussing Your Teenagers' Lies
Step 1. Let your child know when you catch him lying
If you catch your child lying, you need to address this lie and the behavior associated with it (whatever the lie is). However, make sure you do it with care. Otherwise, your child will be angry with you and will be less likely to communicate with you about anything else.
- Don't look satisfied or triumphant when you catch your child lying. You should prioritize the safety of your child.
- State this factually. Try not to mince words and be open without coming across as aggressive.
- You could say, "I want to talk to you about something. You told me that _ at that time, but I knew that you were lying. I have spoken to _ and she said what you said That is not true."
- Ask him directly why he feels compelled to lie to you.
Step 2. Try to control your emotions
It's very important that you don't lose control of your emotions when dealing with your teen's lies. The situation is already difficult, and if you are angry or upset, it will only get worse.
- If you stay calm, chances are your teen will continue to communicate in this conversation with you. However, if you yell at him, he might even run away.
- It's okay to be upset, but don't take your anger out on your child. That will only make a bad situation worse.
- Try to calm down before talking to your child when you catch him lying to you.
- Take a deep breath, try to count to 10, try to go for a walk, make a cup of tea or coffee before sitting down and talking to your child.
- You could say, "You wait in your room. I'll be there in a minute and we'll discuss what happened."
- When talking, try to be calm. There's a chance your child may be upset, so you need to be a stable and rational side in this conversation.
Step 3. Express your disagreement
Start by telling him that his lies have hurt your feelings and reduced your trust in him. This doesn't mean you have to make him feel guilty, but you do have to let him know how his lies made you feel and how this is affecting your relationship badly.
- Don't call him a liar or think he can't be trusted. Instead, try to let him know that his lies are reducing your trust in him.
- Use this moment as an opportunity to teach him a lesson.
- Try to focus on his dangerous behavior instead of his lies.
- Talk about what happened and why your child made the decision to lie. Try to find out the reason behind this lie so you can better understand why your child behaves the way he does.
- Try asking what your child can do to avoid a situation like this and not lie to you again.
Step 4. Encourage him to have more open communication going forward
The best way to prevent him from lying again is to make your child feel that you are approachable. If he feels that when he's in trouble he can come to you or admit his bad behavior without getting scolded or punished, he's more likely to trust you (and you can trust your teen too).
- Remember that correcting the habit of lying is a process and not something that can be solved with a simple solution. Your child should feel that he or she can be honest and open with you, and this can take time.
- Let your child know that you love him and don't expect him to be perfect.
- Let your child know that she is less likely to be punished or scolded if she tells you the truth, instead of hiding it or lying to you.
- You can try to offer one last chance for your child to tell the truth.
- Let him know if he's being honest about the situation, you're willing to forgive him this time and not punish him.
- Make it clear that if he lies again, he will be punished.
- You should also emphasize that if he's lying to you, you'll find it harder to trust him and give him freedom.
Step 5. Define and execute the consequences if he lies
If your child continues to misbehave and lie about it, then he hasn't learned a lesson. If this is the case, it's a good idea to start enforcing the rules and punishing your child when you catch him lying again.
- Tell him what will happen if you catch him lying again (punished, withdrawn, have to do extra work, no allowance, etc.) and emphasize the consequences if this happens again.
- Do not punish with harsh measures. Physically abusing a child is both illegal and bad, and can destroy your chances of having a healthy relationship with them.
- Most teenagers want freedom (and many of them lie to get it). By limiting your child's access to freedom, you are also teaching him that the only way to gain this freedom is through honesty and good behavior.
Step 6. Deal with compulsive lying
Most compulsive liars get something from lying. Often this kind of behavior is driven by self-confidence issues. If your teen lies compulsively, even in a situation where there's no reason to lie (nothing to gain and no punishment to avoid), it's likely that you should intervene.
- Reassure your child that you love him or her.
- Let your child know that you can talk to him any time he's unhappy or dissatisfied.
- If your child is depressed or has other reasons for compulsive lying, you may need to seek help from a therapist who is qualified to treat teenagers.
- Ask your doctor or pediatrician for a recommendation. This doctor can know someone who specializes in juvenile depression and/or compulsive lying.
- You can search online for therapists working with teens in your city, or if you're in the United States, use the database from Psychology Today to find a specialist near you.
Step 7. Discuss his lies regarding dangerous behaviors such as drug and alcohol use
For many teenagers, drug and alcohol use is a phase of experimentation. However, this experimentation is dangerous. Even seemingly harmless alcohol and marijuana can have serious health implications, especially if your teen is still growing. Casual use could make him addicted, and if he was caught, his legal record could be tarnished. If your child uses drugs or alcohol, you should take the matter seriously and if things don't improve, you may need to seek the help of a qualified mental health professional.
- Lying about illegal or harmful behavior should be addressed directly. Sometimes some underlying issues such as depression, anxiety, or self-confidence problems can make teens run away to heady things.
- If your teen is lying about drugs or alcohol and you've been trying to talk to him or her to no avail, try searching online to find a mental health professional in your city who works with teens and addiction.
Part 2 of 3: Knowing If Your Child is Lying
Step 1. Know the most common lies
If you're really worried about whether or not your child is telling the truth, maybe you can try to find out what teenagers lie most about. You can't accuse your child of lying about everything, but if you know what your teen is most likely lying about, you can prevent this from happening in the future. Some of the things that make teens often lie are:
- how he spends his time
- what does he use his pocket money for?
- meet friends whose parents disapprove
- what movies did he watch and who did he go see them with
- what kind of clothes does he wear outside the house
- drinking alcohol and/or using drugs
- driving while drunk or in a car driven by a drunk person
- attend the party
- there is an adult watching or not outside the house
Step 2. Handle this situation with care
It's hard to know your child is lying, and you have to be careful with your suspicions. When you're overly suspicious of him, you're also less likely to find out what he's lying about. You're more likely to find out your child is lying about something when you suspect it, but you may be mistaking what he's lying and why he's lying.
- Accusing her of lying when she's actually being honest can make it hard for her to be open and honest later on.
- Try to evaluate the teen's behavior in the context of his past behavior patterns. If your teen is in trouble (or has been in trouble), he or she is more likely to lie to you.
- Remember that no teenager is lying about everything all the time. You may feel suspicious, but you should realize that he can also tell the truth, and that you should be fair when you examine his honesty.
Step 3. Think of ways to tell if your child is lying or not
Some parents may not feel comfortable catching their child lying. However, if you are suspicious and want to stop being suspicious, try hearing your child's story. This can establish a basic pattern of behavior so you can know what to expect in the future.
- If your child admits he spent the day at a friend's house, contact the friend's parents to see if this is true or not.
- You can try asking your teen to see if he's lying or not. Remember what he said, and ask questions again to see if he said the same thing he said before.
- Therefore, it's important to realize that trying to "trap" your child into a lie will only make it hard for him to communicate openly and honestly with you.
- Don't follow the urge to spy on your child or check his belongings. This can damage his trust in you and damage your communication.
Step 4. Express your suspicions
Maybe you caught him lying or you didn't believe the story he was telling. You should respond to this by conveying it to him calmly and without rambling. Don't be angry and don't accuse him of lying. Instead, open up a conversation about what your child told you earlier.
- Do not interrogate your teen. This will make him more likely to lie to you again.
- Let him know that you don't really believe the story he's telling you.
- Give your child a way out. Maybe he'll tell the truth if you offer him some sort of immunity from punishment.
- You might try saying, "We're pretty sure you're not telling the truth. Do you want to stick with your story or is there something else you'd like to tell us?"
Part 3 of 3: Preventing Children from Lying Again
Step 1. Set a good example by being honest
Many adults lie to other adults for reasons that prompted your teen to lie to: to avoid punishment or scolding, or to continue doing things you know you shouldn't. If you lie to other people but also punish your child for doing so it sets a bad example and makes you look like a hypocrite. Instead of lying to cover up what you're doing, try to be open and honest about your actions and motivations. This will show your child that honesty will bring better results.
- Don't be tempted to tell "white lies."
- Don't lie to your boss if you're late for work. Apologize to him for being late and try to leave early the next day so this doesn't happen again.
- Resist the urge to hide information from your partner. Try to be honest and open, and show your child how your relationship with your partner is better because it's based on honesty.
- If your child asks a difficult question, try to be honest. Instead of lying about past bad behavior, tell the truth and admit that it was wrong.
Step 2. Spend more time with your teen
Many teenagers who often lie to their parents may have trouble seeing their values. A good way to prevent him from lying again is to spend as much time as possible with him and let him know that you see great potential in him. Spending time together lets you know what's going on in his life and makes your child feel that he can count on you if he needs someone to talk to. It also shows that you are interested in knowing what is going on in his life and want the best for him.
- Ideally you spend time with your child every day.
- Open an honest dialogue by discussing your day and asking how it was.
- You can try spending time together by doing something your child enjoys. You can try playing video games with him, taking a walk in the park, or doing other activities that make him happy.
Step 3. Emphasize open, honest communication
When spending time with your teen, convey how important honesty and communication are. You don't have to say it out loud, but you should let your child know that the trust between you helps you know that your child will always be safe and will make the right decisions.
- Remind your teen that you will trust him more if he is honest and trustworthy. Let him know that lying makes it hard for a person to trust others.
- Don't punish your child if he opens up to you about a difficult situation and asks for your advice. If you punish him, chances are he won't ask you for help again in the future.
Step 4. Teach children to solve problems and make good decisions
If your child learns to make smart, healthy decisions, he's less likely to have to lie again because he did something bad. Teenagers deserve freedom when they are able to identify emotions, show self-control, deal with unpleasant emotions, and make smart decisions to solve problems.
- Many teens lie to cover up behavior they know is not good. If you can get rid of this bad behavior, you should be able to trust your child more and more.
- Emphasize open conversation. Let your child know that he or she can come to you if she needs advice, and that you can provide helpful, non-judgmental advice.
- Try talking to your child about how to evaluate a situation and make the right decision.
- Try to discuss how to deal with unpleasant feelings with your child in a healthy and productive way.
Step 5. Be willing to compromise
Teenagers usually want their freedom to increase. They are about to enter adulthood and want the freedom to make decisions without having to ask permission first. While you should keep an eye on your child's behavior, you may want to add a little more freedom to your child if this will make him more honest with you.
- If you're willing to compromise on things like his curfew, the friends he can hang out with, or where he can go, chances are he won't be lying either.
- Compromising doesn't mean agreeing to his demands, and it doesn't mean you don't want to hear his requests.
- Sit down with your child and try to find a solution that works for all. For example, if your child's curfew is 9 p.m. and he wants to extend it until midnight, maybe you can compromise and change this curfew to 10:30 or 1:00.
- Be willing to make exceptions under certain conditions. For example, if your teen wants to go to a concert that ends after his curfew, allow him to go but have an adult accompany him or take him there.
- By compromising and engaging in your child's activities (like the concert example above), you can prevent your child from lying about where he is, when he's coming home, and how to get home.
Step 6. Let your child's behavior determine his or her freedom
It is important to emphasize to your child that the choices he makes will determine the amount of freedom he is given. He also feels as if he is not being punished, because your child understands that what you are doing is a way of responding to his behavior.
- Give him the freedom he wants, but explain to him that violating your trust will affect this freedom.
- Remind her that the independence that adults gain requires sacrifice. A person can have independence as an adult if he follows certain social and legal rules, just as a teenager must follow the rules at home.
- So it all depends on your child. If he is satisfied with his freedom or wants more, he must prove himself trustworthy.
- Give him more freedom if he proves himself trustworthy and honest. You could increase his curfew or his allowance, for example.
- Reduce his freedom if you catch him lying. Remind your child that you've said lying leads to reduced freedom, and enforce the rules you've set.
Tips
- Open and honest communication and the ability to make good decisions are the best ways to prevent your child from lying to you.
- Set a good example and be honest about what is expected of your child.
Warning
- Realize the difference between lying and keeping a secret. If your child doesn't feel comfortable telling you things, it doesn't mean he's lying.
- Don't be a strict or overprotective parent because you want to prevent your child from hiding things that are going on in his life. Most likely this strategy will not work.
