There are many reasons to want to control other people. Some reasons are healthy and others are not. Either way, you can find an approach that helps you do the right thing by trying to understand others and yourself a little better.
Step
Part 1 of 4: Understanding Your Subject
Step 1. Make sure they are capable of doing what you want
Before you do anything, make sure the person you're trying to control can actually do what you want them to do. Sometimes, no matter how much we want someone to do something, they just can't do it. It's important to think about this because if someone can't do what you want, then you're only setting yourself up for failure, which will hurt everyone involved.
- An example is when you want a girl to love you (because you love her so much) but she can't. You can't make him love you because he can't make himself love you. There are a lot of things like that in life, things we can't control, so before proceeding, think about whether what you want is something they can give you.
- Examples of some of the things that are beyond our control are love (and related, divorce), addiction and regular and mental illness, intelligence, social level (introvert and extrovert), energy level, personal interests and preferences, and sometimes things like money. and work.
Step 2. Evaluate why they did what they are now doing
Right now, the person you are trying to control is doing something you don't want them to do. But before you start persuading them to do something different, you must understand what motivated them to choose their current course of action. What makes them think that what they are doing is a good idea? Once you know their motivations, you can manipulate those motivations to lead them to something different.
- Usually, the easiest way to find out their motivation is to ask: “Why do you think this is a good idea?” Of course, you can also try to find out for yourself, by listening to what they have to say and watching what they do.
- For example, maybe you want your lab partner to do more work on the project, but maybe he already thinks he's done half of it and sees no reason to do more.
Step 3. Find their best motivator
Now that you know what their current motivation is, try to understand the most important motivators for them. Manipulating these motivators will be the easiest way to have a big impact. Think about what they value most in making decisions by thinking about decisions they've made in the past or old debates between you and them. If you know what's most important to them, then you can introduce those motivators to get the results you want.
For example, you want your mother to vote for a certain candidate in the election. She will vote for an incumbent candidate because she knows the candidate's political stance better, but you know that what your mother values most is the education fund because she was once a teacher. You can use facts about your candidate's relationship with children, family, and education policies to motivate him to change his mind
Step 4. Understand what's holding them back
Now that you understand what makes an argument look good to them, you need to look at the factors that keep them from your argument. What if what you're trying to do makes them think it's a bad idea? When you know what they perceive as a risk is what you are asking for, you can look for ways to make that risk appear smaller.
There's no shame in finding out why someone doesn't like an idea. Often, when someone says why they don't like an idea out loud, they'll either think it sounds stupid or realize they can't explain it well, which will give you the perfect opening to persuade them
Part 2 of 4: Creating Relationships and Confidence
Step 1. Let them see themselves as heroes
One of the most motivating ways to convince someone to do something is to help them see themselves as the hero of the story. Humans want their lives to have some kind of continuity… that makes them feel as though they can expect a happy ending. When you play with them and help shape their perception of their own life story, showing that it would be better if it were part of yours, you'll be able to get them to do almost anything.
For example, let's say you want an investor to support your new company. Tell them that by supporting your company, they will pave the way for innovation. They will become heroes who bring positive change to society. They would be the next Andrew Carnegie, leaving a trail of great work in history
Step 2. Give them a sense of community or identity
Another way to make your idea look more appealing is to make the person you're trying to convince feel like part of the community or make them feel like they play a very specific role in the community. People have a very strong need to feel part of a group and when you make them feel that way, they are more likely to agree with what you want them to do.
For example, let's say you want to switch rooms with your sister. Help him see that by swapping rooms, he'll be in a place where he can hear what's going on in the house so he's in a better place to help everyone (because he really cares about family, right?)
Step 3. Do something for them
When you help other people and do something for them, they will feel indebted to you, so they will tend to think that they should do what you ask. Do some significant things that help them (like help move house, help find work and get them a job, or arrange great dates) and they'll be there to help you in return when you ask.
However, the important part of this technique is that you don't let them see that when you help them, you're actually doing it so you can get what you want later. They have to believe that you genuinely want to help because you like them and for no other reason. This means that you have to do a favor long before you ask them to do what you want
Step 4. Let them see you in control
Another way to make them feel that your path is the right one is to appear as if you are in control of the situation. If they think that you are at the helm of the wheel of life, then they need not worry about surprising results. This makes your way look like a safe way.
Being in control means having knowledge first. Do some research. Know what you're talking about. After that, show confidence when you discuss any solid plans you have. Be prepared for questions and prepare lots of counter-arguments too
Step 5. Catch flies with honey
There is an old saying that you will catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, and while this is not always true with flies, it is true that being kind to others and showing positive feelings will make them more willing to listen to you, respond to you with kindness. seriously, and agree with what you are saying. When you talk to other people, don't be judgmental, condescending, rude, critical, or confrontational. Firm and confident, but not mean.
- For example, you need to avoid the urge to call their views or choices “stupid” or explain your views as if they were a child or mentally disabled.
- Instead, build them up, be positive in your interactions, and do good things. When they see you as a good person trying to help others in any way they can, they will want you to succeed, they want you to find a way, because it reinforces the idea that fate rewards good people. Their need for the world to be "fair" will require them to do what you ask.
Part 3 of 4: Using Convincing Language
Step 1. Play with their emotions
Some people are very emotionally vulnerable. They experience strong emotions and then tend to think about how events that happened affect how they feel. This is the kind of person who shares a video of a “soldier returning from duty finally reunited with his dog” on a Facebook wall. When you talk to these types of people, use language and arguments that play with emotions in order to convince them to do what you want.
- For example, make them feel sorry for you. If you're trying to convince your mom to let you go camping, say something like, “You know, I just don't want to be when I'm 40, drive my son to camp, and think it's an experience I've never had. I don't want to have regrets like that in life."
- In the study of argumentation, this is called attracting one's pathos or emotions.
Step 2. Draw their logic
There are other types of people (sometimes these two groups overlap) who enjoy public arguments. They want proof and good reasons before being convinced. These are usually people citing news stories refuting the Supreme Court's decision with evidence that followed after and how that decision turned out to be bad (or good). When talking to people like this, use logic in order to attract them.
- For example, say something like, “You should wear this color because it makes your eyes stand out. If they focus on your eyes, they will take you seriously and you will likely get the job.”
- In the study of argumentation, this is called drawing on one's logos or logic.
Step 3. Praise them
With almost everyone, use language that makes them feel capable, confident, intelligent, knowledgeable, important, and good. Using subtly flattering language will make them like you more and will also distract them. If they're too busy thinking about how great they feel for getting a compliment they didn't expect, they won't notice that your argument doesn't make 100% sense to them.
For example, say something like, “You know, I want to be the speaker of our presentation but I'm definitely going to say the wrong thing. It might even freeze. You are much better at speaking and making convincing arguments than I am. You may even have a group of people who do exactly what you say.”
Step 4. Make them think it was their idea
Women have said for centuries that the best way to get a man to do something is to make him think it was their idea. However, this applies to everyone. If they think that the idea is not only good but also theirs, then they will not refuse to do it.
For example, say something like, “My poor friend is a nice guy. Too bad he never seems to have any luck. He also has many good qualities: he is hardworking and very intelligent. He's even charming, very charming, once you get to know him." if you want to put in the effort and make them realize that they have to hire/date/do whatever it takes to your friend. They'll hear this fantastic description and think, “You know, it looks like he not too bad. Maybe I should…”
Step 5. Create fear or anger
This shouldn't be the first attempt, but using fear and anger in trying to convince someone to do something is a very effective technique. Use language that plays with and increases fear and anger, to make them feel compelled to do what you want and do it quickly.
- For example, say something like, “You know, I heard they won't be making this product anymore. If you want it, maybe it's better to buy it now, before you have to spend three times as long on eBay to get it."
- This type of language and persuasion should be a last resort as you can usually only do this once. People will quickly find out that you are only using their fear to get what you want, and then they won't believe anything you say. A reputation like this will spread, so be careful.
Part 4 of 4: Looking for a Healthier Experience
Step 1. Analyze why you feel the way you do
It's important that you understand that feeling the need to control others is not usually a healthy feeling. Just as you don't want someone to control you, it makes sense that other people don't want to be controlled either. However, your need for control is usually a symptom of a bigger problem. Generally it's because you have no control over other situations in life. Because other aspects of your life feel out of control, you want to control others so that you feel more secure. You have to understand that controlling other people will not make the situation any better, and that finding other ways to actually fix the problem will have a much better impact on your life.
For example, you may want to make a girl fall in love with you. However, what you're really worried about is that you feel like you've never met the right person, so you cling to this girl that under normal circumstances you wouldn't even like (or at least you have nothing in common). A better way to deal with this situation is to start looking in the right places, so that you'll find someone who really fits you. Even if you don't find a date right away, at least you know they're out there
Step 2. Know that things may not go the way you want
If you want to have a satisfying experience with life and feel positive about most of the events that happen, you have to understand that many things in life don't go the way you want them to. As a sage once wrote, “The world is not a factory that grants all wishes.” If you know you may not get what you want, it's better to be prepared for disappointment when it does. When you get it, it will be a pleasant surprise… meaning both will be good for you.
Step 3. Let go of your need for control
We can't control everything in life and we especially can't control other people. When you feel the need to control everything, it creates a lot of stress and negative feelings for you. It may make you feel worse in the long run, than if you just let things go their natural way. Letting go of the need to control will make you feel free and enjoy life more.
- Ask yourself: Why do I need to control this situation? What happens if I don't control it? You may feel like things will go wrong if you don't control the situation. However, who said that what happened was wrong? Even bad results may actually be good results in disguise.
- For example, maybe you want to control the girl you like to get her to date you. However, if you can get him to date you, he may turn out to be mean, manipulative, or not good for you in some ways. Now you are stuck with this girl and that bad experience comes from dating her! You certainly don't want that to happen.
Step 4. Embrace the natural flow of life and relationships
It is much healthier to let life run its course, rather than trying to control all aspects. When you realize that things don't have to go according to plan, you will be much happier and feel more relaxed.
- Start embracing this concept by letting the little things go, like allowing the waiter to suggest something for you to eat at a restaurant.
- You can also develop the ability to accept situations by exposing yourself to more situations that are out of your control, such as traveling to a foreign place.
Step 5. Find control elsewhere in your life
Often times, we try to control others because we feel we don't have enough control over our own lives. Before you try to control other people's lives, try to find areas in your life where you can change the way you act in order to gain more control over what happens to you. This is much healthier than the negative interactions that often come from controlling other people.
For example, maybe you can make a schedule and try to stick to it, in an effort to create more time to get things done and do them well. This will be better than trying to control coworkers to get them to do your job
Tips
- For long-lasting dominance, be sure to stay likable, keeping your negative traits hidden from everyone.
- Make sure no one finds out what's hidden so you can get away with what you're doing.
- If you want to know how to control, you have to be controlled first.
Warning
- Even if you pay someone, they won't necessarily comply, see Bane in The Dark Knight Rises. He killed the man who financed it.
- Police and other government/legal officials are so difficult to control that it is almost impossible to achieve. They have what philosophers call "legitimate power." Also, it is impossible to reward or punish these people, unless you live in Mexico.
