In a heated situation, it is very easy to accidentally hurt someone. To be a gentle person, you have to be careful and wise. You must try to channel the power and control the impulses within you. Think before you act, control your anger and always consider the consequences.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Practice Self-restraint
Step 1. Know your strengths and practice being extra careful
If you are not careful, you can accidentally hurt other people. Be very careful when interacting with vulnerable people -- such as children, the sick or the elderly.
- Make sure you are always extra careful to avoid any risk. Treat fragile people as if they really could break like glass. You don't have to be overprotective -- just be tactful.
- If you are holding a small child, do not toss him in the air or rock him to and fro. Hug him gently with both hands and be careful not to drop him. Be fun, but don't be careless.
- If you are trying to get a child or another person you are caring for to come with you, do not pull their arm or push them. Pulling a child's arm can cause skin bruising, a dislocated shoulder and make the child no longer trust you. Ask him to follow you firmly but gently.
Step 2. Don't touch people you don't want to be touched
Physical proximity is an important part of living as a human being, but you shouldn't intrude on anyone's personal space.
- This can include joking touches. Actions such as tickling, poking or hugging can be very annoying to a person if he or she doesn't want to be treated that way.
-
Respect the approval of others. If someone asks you to stop, stop.
If you don't respect other people's personal space, they will not trust you.
- If you absolutely must touch someone you don't want to be touched (say, your child has a tantrum, but you need to change their diaper): do so as gently and gently as possible. Do what you need to do and give the person some personal space.
Step 3. Don't take gentleness the same as weakness
The most powerful people are those who can interact with other people--touching others, talking to others, loving others--in patient and caring ways. Being gentle means being able to hug someone without crushing them.
- Imagine a hug. Try holding someone close enough that they feel your warmth, but not so close that they can't breathe. Always be aware of how tight your hug is.
- Walk slowly but with strength at every step. You don't have to use all your energy all the time to show you have it. There is an apparent power of self-control.
Step 4. Be patient
If you get into an argument with someone--or if you ask someone to do something and they don't comply--be patient. Explain your reasons and try to find a middle ground.
- Arguing--both verbally and physically--will only make matters worse. If you want to build a lasting peace, you must try to understand the arguments from both sides. Don't be the first to react.
- Don't try to force someone to do something they don't want to do. Respect their position. Try to compromise.
Step 5. Don't throw a tantrum
When you get angry, count to 10. If you're still angry, keep counting. You may act rashly and violently when you allow yourself to be carried away by a wave of anger--but you can learn to control these urges.
Give yourself time to cool off. You may find that your anger is an overreaction to a situation. There is almost always a solution that need not involve physical or verbal violence
Step 6. Take a deep breath
If you get angry, try to think rationally and calm yourself down before you do anything rash. Take a deep breath in through your nose as long as you can. Breathe out slowly.
- Close your eyes and concentrate on your breath. Take time to slow down your heart rate and balance yourself. Let the initial outburst of anger fade into the background. Clear your mind.
- Consider counting your breaths--like meditation. While inhaling, count slowly: 1… 2… 3… 4… On exhaling, count the difference in equal time. This step will keep you focused on your breathing.
- Consider practicing meditation. Meditation is a great way to focus your mind, practice mindfulness and control your emotions. Look for meditation tutorials available online and consider attending an instructor-led meditation session.
Step 7. Go away
If you can't calm yourself down and focus your energies, you may have to walk away from the situation. Take some time for yourself to think about why you are so upset.
- Resign simply and gracefully. Ask whoever is making you angry "Can we talk about this later?" or "I have to think about this first. Can I call you later?"
- Consider going somewhere that allows you to be alone. If you have a favorite place--shady trees, beautiful meadows, dark and quiet rooms--go there. Surround yourself with serenity.
- Consider finding a wise and stable person you can share your feelings with. Go to a friend or call someone and tell them what's really upsetting you. Your friend may be able to calm down and give her perspective on the situation.
Step 8. Practice "constructive confrontation."
Mark Gorkin, therapist, Licensed Independent Social Worker (otherwise known internationally as LICSW), author of Practice Safe Stress: Healing and Laughing in the Face of Stress, Burnout & Depression, Burnout & Depression), offers a five-step method for conducting "constructive confrontation":
- 1) Use "I" statements, questions or observations: "I'm worried," "I'm confused," or "I'm frustrated" are great ways to start your conversation.
- 2) Describe the problem specifically. Avoid accusations based on assumptions such as "You never finish your work on time." Instead, say specifically "I've inquired about the status of the reporting system three times this week and I haven't received the report or any response yet. What happened exactly?"
- 3) Explain why you are upset. Talk about effects and expectations. For example: "Because I didn't receive the report on time, I couldn't present it at the meeting and we all had to postpone decision making." That's the effect. Expectations: "We really need that data. I'd like to meet tomorrow morning at 9 to discuss how far you are progressing with this project."
- 4) Acknowledge the competence of your interlocutor and seek input from him. Let the other person know that you quite understand what is going on. For example: "I know you're working on some important projects. Let me know what's on your mind. Then we have to prioritize and increase the importance of this project."
- Listen and be honest. After doing the first four steps above, you can become more objective and can let go of any anger, offence or suspicion.
Method 2 of 3: Be Wise
Step 1. Think before you act
If you're quick to anger, you might end up doing something in the heat of the moment that you'll regret later. Consider the consequences of what you want to do. Don't react; but give feedback.
- Try to contain your anger and judge it. Ask yourself what exactly makes you so angry. Ask yourself are you overreacting?
- Think of all the consequences of your actions. If you reacted harshly in this situation, would you break the ties of friendship? Will that reaction have an adverse effect on your relationship? Will you risk being arrested, suspended or punished for your actions.
Step 2. Make a conscious effort not to hurt anyone
It's easy for you to be rude to other people if you don't consider the effect your actions have on their feelings. Be careful.
- If you find yourself hurting another person without intending to do so, try to understand what really hurts them. For example, is this person very sensitive? Did I subconsciously pull his arm too hard?
- Consider treating other people as if they were very fragile, at least the first time. Be as sensitive as possible without having to act as if you are walking on eggshells or too much.
Step 3. Empathize
Try to understand why someone acts the way they do: try to find out how they feel and what they think. You may find it harder to get angry when you understand where someone is coming from.
- If you can't understand why someone does a certain action, just ask them. Tell them what you don't understand and listen carefully to the answers. It could be that they are just as confused about what you are thinking.
- Empathy is a two-way relationship. Try to be open about what you think. Try to build mutual understanding.
Step 4. Accept the things you cannot change
Learn to let go. You may find that many of the things that stress you out are things you really have no control over.
- Think about the source of any stress. Can you solve it violently? Can you change it with kindness? Do you understand why this bothers you?
- Let go of the things that make you angry--whether it's an unhealthy relationship, a bad job, or a grudge from the past. Make a commitment to yourself to focus on the present and not on the past.
- Learn to let go, for example, when you are cut off while speaking. Take a deep breath. Don't let yourself explode over something you'll be forgetting about in a week or so.
Step 5. Change what you can change
You can change your own behavior, as well as the way you react to things. For example, you can choose not to do things that could trigger negative feelings in other people. In addition, you can also try to overcome the triggers of anger yourself.
Anger helps you understand how you feel about something. If you feel angry, find out why. For example, if your job makes you angry, it might be time to look for a new job
Step 6. Set aside time to relieve stress
It's easy for you to get lost in the daily demands of work, school, romantic relationships and family. Give yourself time to just be yourself.
- Go out. Find a quiet place. Go for a walk or swim. Go see a movie at the cinema. Head to a body care center for a massage or treat your nails. Do whatever allows you to forget about your problems for a moment.
- Consider leaving your cell phone behind. You may find that it will be easier for you to leave the troubles of everyday life if you are not constantly bombarded with text messages, calls and e-mails. Enjoy the moment.
- Reducing stress is a fantastic step for your health. If you are always stressed and often angry, you may be at risk of suffering from high blood pressure. Take steps to relieve stress and you can live a healthier and longer life.
Method 3 of 3: Rebuilding Trust
Step 1. Try your best to be gentler
Actions have more impact than words. If you want to show the people in your life that you've turned a new leaf, you have to prove it by being very careful.
- Be patient. Building trust takes time. Try to be as gentle as you want and evaluate your actions continuously. Have I been gentle? Am I being nice?
- Don't expect anyone to forgive you. If people have truly forgiven you for past violence, don't expect them to forget it. You can't change the past, but you can build the future.
Step 2. Tell your loved ones
If you are trying to overcome a violent impulse and become a more gentle person, consider sharing this story with people in your life who have been hurt by anger. Ask them to let you know when you're out of bounds.
To be able to do this step you must be prepared to accept constructive criticism. Trying to stay calm when someone asks you to contain your anger can be a challenge-- few things sound more annoying than the phrase "Calm down!" Remember that your loved ones are only trying to help yourself
Step 3. Consider hiring an anger management coach
Look for therapists and psychologists in your area who specialize in helping people deal with their grief. Trying just one session first has nothing to lose.
- Search the internet for "anger management coach or class". You can find such courses on the internet. If you want to meet face-to-face with a coach, search for the keyword "anger management coach" followed by your city (eg "anger management coach Jakarta")
- Take the class with an open mind. Nothing can help change you unless you are ready to help yourself. Work with the people in your life, not against them.
- Find out about the anger management coach before making a final decision. If you can find an online review of the coach, read it. Try to contact someone who has met this trainer in person.
Step 4. Join a support group
A support group can help you create positive changes in your life. You can share what you are experiencing and learn from others during group meetings. Look for support groups staffed by mental health professionals who can ensure a therapeutic environment is created during group sessions.
Look for support groups near you via the internet or a local mental health clinic
Step 5. Accept your emotions
If you act rashly and rudely, you make negative emotions fill you. Embrace and let positive emotions guide you through a trying time.
- It's okay to be fragile and it's okay to cry. You can be strong and stay sensitive to your feelings.
- Don't be afraid to express your feelings. Find someone to talk to about your problem. You may find that outside support can make it easier for you to deal with stress.
Step 6. Stay consistent
Be gentle and self-aware. If you feel angry and do something rash, you can destroy all the efforts you have put in.
- Continuously evaluate whether your actions were gentle or harsh. Don't forget about your old self.
- In the end, with time and attention, you can change your image: you can become a really gentle person in the eyes of yourself and in the eyes of others. Practice makes habit. Start from now.
