Grief is something that eventually befalls all of us, and we rely on the support of friends when dealing with it. Being a patient, dependable and helpful listener is the best way to help someone who is experiencing the loss of a close relative. While there's nothing you can do to speed up the bereavement process itself, you can be a bright light that helps your friend through the darkest of times. See Step 1 onwards to learn what to say and do.
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Method 1 of 2: Know What to Say
Step 1. Know what the situation is
Death is not easy to talk about, and most people have a hard time discussing the subject. But avoiding this topic because it causes inconvenience is not going to help your friend. You might think that talking about other topics would be a good distraction, but your grieving friend won't find it easy to laugh at jokes or talk about general topics. Ignoring the biggest problem in your friend's life isn't the way to support it, so muster up the courage to bring this topic up, instead of acting awkwardly like nothing happened.
- Don't be afraid to say the word "die." Don't say "I've heard what happened." Say "I heard that your grandmother died." When you tell the truth, even if it hurts, you are showing your friend that you are willing to talk about the tough things in life. Your friend needs someone who is aware of this and is able to talk about it.
- Say the name of the person who died. Saying the name of the person who died may bring tears to your eyes, but it will help your friend to realize that the person who died still means a lot to other people.
Step 2. Express your concern
Tell your friend how sad you are at the death of a family member. Telling your friend that you are sad and that you love and will help her will cheer her up. Hugging your friend or touching their shoulder can also help communicate the sadness you feel about what's going on. Say things like "I'm sorry."
- If you know a family member who recently passed away, share the memory of that person with your friends, and mention good qualities. Remembering the person's kindness can help your friend feel a little better about what happened to them.
- If you and your friend are religious, you can take the initiative to pray for him/her and his/her family. If they are not religious, tell them what you think about them and that you are sorry for their loss.
Step 3. Be sincere
Since death is such a difficult topic to talk about, it can be difficult to express your true feelings to your friends. But using one of the dozens of clichés people say to make it easier to talk about death isn't going to be very helpful. If you tell your friend how you really feel, you'll sound more sincere, and your friend will be more likely to turn to you when they need someone to listen.
- Avoid saying things like "He's in a better place now," or "He wants you to be happy now." You yourself are not sure of the truth of what you say are you? Hearing meaningless statements like this won't help.
- If you're having trouble putting your feelings into words, it's okay to say something like "I don't know what to say. I can't express how sad I am about this."
Step 4. Ask the person's feelings
You may think this is a common question, but most people are either afraid to ask it or just don't want to deal with the answer. When your friend is at work or with someone, she may have to pretend like everything is okay. That's why as a close friend, giving him space to talk will really help him. You must be prepared to accept the answer, even if it is difficult to hear.
- Some people may not want to be asked about their feelings. If your friend doesn't seem to want to talk about it, don't force it.
- If your friend decides to open up, encouraging him to talk as long as this will help him. Don't try to change the subject, or inject excitement into the conversation; let him be expressive and let go of all the emotions he's holding back.
Step 5. Don't criticize
Let him be himself, no matter what it means. Everyone has a different response to the loss of a relative, and there's no right or wrong way to feel about it. Even if your friend has a reaction that you don't think would happen to you, it's important to let the person express their feelings without your criticism.
Get ready to get to know your friend on a deeper level, and see him act in ways you've never seen him before. Hopelessness and sadness can erupt in a variety of ways. Your friend may feel rejection, anger, numbness, and a million other emotions in response to their grief
Step 6. Don't say "time heals everything"
Time may take away the initial pain, but when a close relative dies, life will never be the same again. The idea behind the saying that time will heal everything suggests there seems to be a time limit to when one should feel "normal" again, but for most people this will never happen. Instead of focusing on helping someone "get over" their sadness, put your efforts into being a source of support and joy in that person's life. Never force your friend to finish the bereavement process quickly.
Forget the "five stages of grief." There's really no timeline for grief, and everyone will deal with it in their own way. While thinking of grief as a series of stages may help some people, it doesn't work for others. Don't force your friends on any timeline
Step 7. Don't say "you're a strong person"
This common sentiment sounds caring, but it can make the bereaved person feel worse. For calling him strong is as if you expect him to stand tall even when he is suffering. When a person has lost a relative, he may experience times of tripping and falling. A good friend like you shouldn't expect someone to be strong all the time when the world feels like it's falling apart.
Method 2 of 2: Know What To Do
Step 1. Face the tears with tenderness
A person will feel very vulnerable when he is crying. Your reaction when your friend bursts into tears can be very helpful or very hurtful. The best way to deal with crying tears is with acceptance and love, not awkwardness or hatred. Know that your friend will cry from time to time, and be prepared to deal with her tears in a positive way or by providing her with support, rather than making her feel worse.
- Think in advance how you would respond when your friend cries when you are with him or her. Be prepared to give him hugs, keep eye contact, and stay by his side for as long as needed.
- Leaving the room, not looking at him, making jokes or somehow interrupting the conversation will embarrass him.
Step 2. Answer the incoming message
Being someone you can rely on will be more important than ever when your friend is going through the loss of a relative. Answering or calling him back means a lot to him. Be sure to answer texts and respond to any messages when your friend is going through a bereavement period. If you tend to be unreliable for this, make an extra effort so you can be there when needed.
Step 3. Help her
Ask your friend what you can do to ease the situation in the first few months after a relative's death. Don't just say "Call me anytime if you need help"; a lot of people will say these words, and they usually don't really intend to get involved. If you really want to do it, ask about concrete things you can start doing to make the life of your friend and/or family easier. Here are some things you can do:
- Make food or bring food to your friends and/or family. Or, if you're not used to cooking, you can buy cooked food.
- Give a ride
- Help with household chores
- Taking care of someone's pet
- Doing someone's homework
- Making a phone call to inform the other party of the person's death
Step 4. Look for small things as a form of attention
The best way to express support to your friend is to show them that you're thinking about them. Pay attention more often and more than you normally would. Little ways in which you show your friend you care can be as meaningful as having a heart-to-heart conversation. Try doing the following:
- Cook or bake a cake for her
- Take friends to the cinema or go for a walk in the park
- Sending considerate cards in the mail
- Send email often
- Invite your friends in social activities more often than usual
- Give gifts every now and then
Step 5. Be patient and understanding
Your friends may not be the same as they used to be for a long time. He may appear sad, unfocused or slightly less energetic for months or even years after a close relative has died. Being a good friend means staying friends even when someone goes through major changes, and if you love your friend, you don't expect him to "get back to the way he was" - you'll be with him along the way.
- Don't force your friend to do activities that no longer interest them.
- Understand that your friend may be in serious trouble after losing a relative. Sometimes a person can turn to addictive behaviors or experience severe depression due to grief and trauma. If you're worried that your friend is putting themselves in danger, ask your friend for help.
Step 6. Always be there for her
After a few months, most people will return to their own lives and stop thinking about the grieving person. But your friend will need more support than just a few months after the death of a close relative. Always there for your friend because he will always need a little help and attention.
- Be present on the anniversary of the death of your friend's relative. Ask your friend's condition.
- The best thing you can do for your friend is to be there when they need you, whether they call, talk or make plans. If not, send a card saying you thought about it. It's best to let him grieve while you offer hugs and love.
Tips
- Small things will be easy for someone to remember, and small things will not be too stressful.
- Remember that sometimes everyone needs a friend.
